If handling things alone and taking care of yourself was what you had to do as a child, it may feel unfamiliar and scary to be in a close committed relationship.
Many survivors describe intimacy as suffocating or invasive.
I would do anything in the world to have the kind of friend who would just put their arms around me and hold me and love me and care, without me having to give anything back.
You may not be able to say no, to set boundaries and limits. You may have no idea what a healthy relationship is like. It was stolen from you.
The other half of any relationship is a person you can't control.
Like with anything, when we get a new skill or new tool we almost bludgeon people with it until we're comfortable enough to back off and relax.
Your changes make demands on the people close to you.
One step, not twenty... instead of spilling out all your innermost thoughts, say "I'm frightened" one time.
A calculated risk is different from a blind leap. Blind leaps rarely pay off.
Survivors tend to see trust as an absolute, either not trusting at all or trusting completely.
That kind of absolute love is what a child feels for its parents. It's not what two mature adults feel for each other.
The more I love myself, the more that allows me to love someone else.
Maybe trusting is not as dangerous as it was when you were child.
Whom did I pick to trust? What kind of thing did I trust the person with? Were there any elements of the interchange that paralleled my original abuse?
"I'd trust the wrong person, or the right person for the wrong thing."
I had no idea there were right or at least better times, people and places for trusting. I had learned from my conditioning that I had to take everything that came along, good or bad. That was a lie. It was true when I was three...
It's healthy to do some testing in a new relationship.
It's important to be able to separate from someone you're close to, so you can nurture other aspects of your life and keep your relationship in perspective. Being close, and then returning to yourself, and then being close again is a natural cycle in a healthy relationship.
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