Our culture leaves little room for any woman to develop a healthy, integrated sexuality.
If your stepfather violently raped you, you might experience pain in your vagina today, or you might be scared of intercourse.
There is nothing crazy about you if you have these problems. Your sexual problems, like the abuse itself were forced upon you.
Because these good feelings were entwined with fear, confusion, shame and betrayal you grew up feeling that sexual pleasure was bad.
It was a terrible violation that your body's natural responses were exploited.
(Celibacy period) It's up to you to say how long this time of celibacy should last. You may want to take a year or years. Or a month may feel sufficient.
To heal sexually you must learn to say no to unwanted sex.
Every time you have sex when you genuinely don't want to, you add another layer of abuse, repeat the pattern of victimization, and thus delay your healing.
If you have a lover and have taken a break from sex, it is essential that you don't start again solely because you feel pressured, want to avoid conflict, or are afraid your lover will leave you.
"I feel that I'm missing out on an important part of life," " I want to feel pleasure," " I don't want my past to rule me," "I want to experience an intimate sexual relationship. "
If you force yourself to be sexual before you're actually ready, it's likely you'll experience struggle and disappointment, but little growth.
As a child you engaged in sex because someone else wanted you to. It is essential that you break this pattern.
It's important to remember that everyone comes into a new relationship carrying unresolved problems.
If you don't know your lover well enough to talk, consider getting acquainted first.
"If you're in a relationship where you can't say no, then you're sleeping with Daddy."
Although you risk a negative reaction in being honest, you also stand a chance of gaining your strongest supporter.
Whatever your lovers reaction, healing requires that you stop pretending and tell the truth about your experience.
Talking is another way of making love.
In exploring sexually with a lover, it's important to remember that you can stop anytime.
Go slowly enough so that you can feel
If your lover does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, say so.
Talk. Share. Experience the level of closeness and touch that you can handle now.
There is no finish, no goal except intimacy, honesty, and pleasure.
If you find yourself spacing out or splitting while you're making love, stop or slow down.
Don't keep going through the motions while you are disconnected from your feelings.
"I want to stay here, with you. I don't want to go back to the past. Help me stay here. Talk to me. Call my name. Remind me who you are."
If you do not want to make love, you might be willing to suggest alternatives: a massage, kissing and cuddling, a walk holding hands, sharing a bath, an intimate talk...
"Once I realized that my sexuality was my power, I was able to embrace it. I'm looking forward to a lot of fun practice for the rest of my life."
"Now sex is fun."