Chastity Slogans...
These slogans might help you stay chaste today. This is an elective, not a requirement. The requirement is no masturbation and faithfulness to your partner. Chastity is purely spiritual extra credit.
"Don't be like the horse or the mule." This is from Psalm 32. It means don't be stupid. If nothing else, chastity keeps you from cheating on your wife.
"No sex except within a marriage". This is from the Sexaholic's White Book. People have very strong beliefs, pro and con about that book, but this slogan might keep you out of trouble, for a day, or even just three hours. Doesn't really matter...you're not going to get married that day, but you might stay sober.
"I surrender my right to be sexual". This is old school SLAA, which says that you have to go through "Withdrawal" to call yourself sober...Their rules.
"A vow of chastity"...just for today. From Gandhi, who had a pretty severe sexual program...but look what he did with his life.
"No sex except to create children". If you like the All Addictions Anonymous' adherence to the principle of "Absolute Purity"...this is the ultimate.
"I Surrender". Old school AA...just give up and rely on God.
"There are those who choose to live like Eunuchs to know the Kingdom of Heaven" Matt 19:11-12 .This is a pretty Big Promise, but that's what Jesus said...in his very least quoted line. There are many people who don't believe in an afterlife. What we believe is that each of us has a soul, just like it says in Psalm 23. We just believe you can access it, now...if you surrender enough addictions.
"Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the vow". This is Gandhi saying that if you allow yourself to feel hungry, that need will supersede your desire to be sexual. Not much of anyone of us on this site is trying to stop having sex forever, including me. But, there are times when being sexually abstinent is useful, sometimes critical, and attention to diet can help sometime increase the probability of success.
"Acceptance is being positive". When I am being chaste it is very easy, unconsciously, to fall into self-pity. "Poor me! I can't have sex!" But, I do have control over my attitude. I can be positive about what I do have...instead of feeling sorry for myself about what I don't have.
"Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings" and "Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others" These two expressions were both written by Solomon, who many people consider the wisest man in Jewish, Muslim and Christian history. What does he mean, "Your best strength"? Think about it. Think about when you are attracted to a woman. Think about the incredible presence, flexibility, amiability, generosity and humor you display to a woman...before you have had sex with her. That's what he's talking about. That strength is given to us to attract a mate...but it can be stored up, saved and used for very different and sometimes wondrous purposes.
"When should you have sex with a woman? When you want to lose the strength you have". Pythagorus, who we unfortunately remember for his Pythagorean Theorem, although much more importantly he invented the musical scale that has been used for the last 2700 years in Western culture, was a profound spiritual thinker, first, before math or music...He is just hammering home what Solomon said.
"A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary incontinence" Gandhi and Bill Wilson both believed that misuse of sex weakens the body and thereby makes you susceptible to illness. Think about it: After you masturbate do you feel strong, vibrant, masculine and resilient, like you could take on the world? Don't be like the horse or the mule...
"Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like". This is the harshest thing Gandhi ever said. You may find it extreme. On the other hand, why is it he led hundreds of millions to freedom...and you have not? He may know something you don't understand, yet....just sayin'.
"Have mercy on me Lord, a sinner". This just helps to take a load of guilt or shame off and has the wonderful side-band benefit of making you humble.
"Sister may no harm come to you from me". This is an extremely useful prayer, used every time you see a pretty girl and are tempted to do something that your wife would not approve of. It breaks the "bondage of self" because instead of "taking" , through selfish and dishonest objectifying, you are "giving". A remarkably simple and powerful prayer.
"Cling to the Lord and cry out for mercy" This is an old religious adage, but when I am at the bottom of a sexual acting out bottom this is a beauty of a prayer to start my ascent to sanity, reaching for sobriety...
"Celibacy, Service and Laughter" For me, these are my three highest goals. They present the very best part of me to the world when I pray this in my head...and carry it out with my body.
"Chastity is happiness" There is something nice about walking through the world, which is half-populated with women, many who are beautiful and attractive...and being impervious.
"Chastity is contentment" An addict's brain is rife with an attitude of self-pity, but right beneath that is an attitude of mercilessly demanding perfectionism. There is something uniquely satisfying about surrendering all sex for a finite period...which makes the very real human need for contentment within reach.
"Chastity is peace" There's something that relieves all that longing for women who are better looking than you, who you will never have a chance with, who you have masturbated to, time after time, in a revery of fantastical sexually impossible dreams that only leave you feeling "pitifully and incomprehensibly demoralized" afterwards...and that is complete surrender. In that chaste moment...there is sexual peace. Because, finally, knowing your soul...brings peace.
Chastity Office #2
Seven Bad things that won’t happen to you if you practise Chastity…and one good thing that will:
Chastity is defined as celibacy (no genital contact) plus no intrigue, objectification or fantasy.
When you are chaste:
- You do not have “an anxious mind”. Why?
Because all your pain and problems are one step removed from your immediate, emotional field of activity , because you have a higher, more important, spiritual goal that you can turn to in times of stress, which gives you perspective on your pain and problems. And perspective is how the Big Book defines “sanity”. Without perspective... you are nuts.
2. You do not have “eyes weary with longing”
When you objectify, there will always be women who are more beautiful than you could possibly hope to match with your looks, too young to be possible for you to reasonably attract, too wealthy for you to be able to interest, too socially connected-up to even notice you.
This creates “ eyes weary with longing “.
It’s what the 12x12 describes as “sexual desire all dressed up as dreams of romance ”.
This unresolvable, sexually hungry environment sets you up for masturbation with adolescently impossible fantasies with the pursuant “ pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization”…which always follows.
3. You do not have “a despairing heart”.
It is heartbreaking to think that you will never make love to, or be loved by, sexual “genetic celebrities” that you see on movies, magazines or walking in your neighborhood.
The truth is that the very best you can attract is exactly where you are.
If you have sexual problems…you will attract a partner with her own constellation of sexual problems. If you are obsessive, you will attract a partner who has problems with her own obsessions.
Actually, you can attract someone who is worse than you, because all of us are “ dating up”, but you will never attract someone better than you.
That leaves you with only two choices: Work on yourself and “develop your character”…or have a “despairing heart”.
4. The sights you see will not “drive you mad”.
If you are a male sex addict (and you are straight) you may feel anger towards all females who are above the legal age and who are not ugly, old, fat or crazy.
Why is that?
If your belief is that sex, and particularly sex with love, is the very best thing that life offers you as a man, and you don’t have the social skills to implement the successful beginning of this process, you may start to believe that women are “holding out” on you, that they are in control of the "best part of life", and are denying you access for some inscrutable, indecipherable reason.
That means you’re mad at every woman you see.
It’s possible, in a world of infinite possibilities, that this male rage…is not their fault.
This rage is actually what drives the compulsion to masturbate to porn.
The mere sight of pretty women could thereby simply “drive you mad”....but, that won't happen with chastity.
5. You are not “in suspense”.
One of the problems with holding and adhering to this preceding set of false beliefs is that the possibility of you finally getting what you erroneously believe you truly “need” is precarious, dependent on the whims or fancies of women who you have little influence over and certainly no control.
Instead of being calm …You will be jumpy all the time, waiting for some girl to be sexually generous , or not subtle enough to see that you are just trying to hustle her.
6. You will not “ be filled with dread”.
The feeling state that these beliefs cause is dread. “ Oh, no, another day of fighting the world for what I need! “ “This is unbearable”. “ Pot, Cigars, Coffee, a couple of French Danishes will get me through this holy hell I am living in”.
Chastity eliminates that dread…without the Danishes.
7. You will not be “unsuccessful in everything you do”.
That feeling of dread, of being held in suspense, of being driven mad, feeling weary, despairing and anxious is a perfect description, emotionally, of sexual unmanageability and leads only to one thing…failure in life.
On the other hand, if you surrender all this madness:
- You can “be sure of your life today”.
There is a wonderful, simple, feeling that AA discovered 87 years ago. Once you find out what God’s will is for you, and do it, life is pretty simple and pleasant.
Chastity Office #3
The Seven Steps of Celibacy
1) I accept that there is power within me
2) I sing, discipline my body, pray and meditate…everyday
3) I feel all my feelings...and share them where it is wise to
4) I am open to feedback from trustworthy people
5) I confront and set boundaries with others
6) I accept my limits
7) I laugh
Chastity Office #4
“There is no time like the present.”
Joan of Arc
"For some of us, however, there is no passage to life, only from one stage of dying to another. Too few lessons have been learned, too little wisdom has been gained for the wound to heal. There is nothing natural or guaranteed about a springtime of the spirit."
"Behind every marvelous tale of death – left– behind is a common theme of peak moments. These peak moments may occur as long as we live. Or they may not. Perhaps we'd better make a decision someday sooner than tomorrow."
"Healthy living demands enough of a central focus that something gets finished once it gets started. Lacking this we often return to fight the same battle once again."
We have only two slogans…”Celibacy, Service and Laughter” and "Repent and Live"
Chastity Office #6
"To achieve chastity, be prepared to lose everything. Chastity is a ravaging force to which nothing seems sacred or inviolate. It rips to shreds the structures and foundations I built in weakness and ignorance." The Courage to Heal
"Talk doesn't cook rice." DOH,DOJ
“There are those who choose to live like eunuchs to know the kingdom of heaven. If you can accept it, accept it”. Matthew 19:11
“Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings."
“Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others”.
Solomon
“When should you have sex with a woman? When you want to lose the strength you have”. Pythagorus
“Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like”.
“A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary sexuality”.
"Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the vow."
Gandhi
Chastity Office #7
The Celibate Promises:
1) We will be more available to our children
2) We will be more present and productive at work.
3) We will become stronger and more supple.
4) Our financial situations will clear up.
5) Our artistic and “spiritual” aspirations will be realized.
6) Self-draining sexual/romantic relationships will suddenly wither and die
7) We will have more clarity, intuition and personal power.
8) We will have more fun.
9) We will finally...relax
Chastity Office #8
"Chastity is King"
Psalm 21 Excerpt:
1 O LORD, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give!
2 You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips. "Selah"
3 You welcomed him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.
4 He asked you for life, and you gave it to him--length of days, for ever and ever.
5 Through the victories you gave, his glory is great; you have bestowed on him splendor and majesty.
6 Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.
7 For the king trusts in the LORD; through the unfailing love of the Most High he will not be shaken.
The Promises of Chastity
Efficient perceptions of reality…We have the ability to judge situations correctly and honestly. We are very sensitive to the dishonest. Rather than being fearful of things that are different or unknown, we are able to view things logically and rationally.
Comfortable acceptance of self and others...We accept ourselves and others as they are. We tend to lack inhibition, are able to enjoy ourselves, and live our lives guilt free. We accept, with humor and tolerance, our own human nature with all its flaws, the shortcomings of others, and the contradictions of the human condition. Other people are treated the same regardless of their background, race, culture, or socio-economic status.
Spontaneity…We extend our creativity into our everyday activities. We tend to be unusually alive, engaged and spontaneous. We follow generally accepted social expectations, but do not feel confined by these norms and are spontaneous in our internal thoughts and our external behaviors. We are open and unconventional.
Task centering…We are motivated by a strong sense of personal ethics and responsibility, applying our problem-solving skills to real-world situations and helping other people improve their own lives. Each of us has a mission, outside of ourselves, to pursue and fulfill in life.
Autonomy...We are free from reliance on external authorities or other people. We tend to be resourceful and independent. We do not conform to other people's ideas of happiness or contentment.
Continued freshness of appreciation…We constantly renew our appreciation of life's basic goodness. A sunset will be experienced as intensely, with the same wonder and awe, every time, as it was the first time. We live in the moment and appreciate the beauty of each experience.
Fellowship with humanity…We will feel a deep identification with others and the human situation in general and yet, we feel we are an important part of humanity.
Profound interpersonal relationships…Our interpersonal relationships are marked by deep loving bonds and we grieve appropriately with their closure.
Comfort with solitude…Despite our satisfying relationships with others, we value solitude and are comfortable being alone. It is essential for us to have time to focus on personal discovery and for cultivating our individual potential.
Non-hostile sense of humor…We have the wonderful capacity to laugh at ourselves and situations but do not shame others with this capacity.
Peak experiences…We have frequent occurrences of peak experiences. These experiences are marked by feelings of ecstasy, harmony, and deep meaning. We will feel at one with the universe, filled with its beauty and goodness, feeling simultaneously more powerful yet more helpless, feeling stronger yet more calm than ever before. Afterwards, we have the conviction that something extremely important and valuable has happened to us, so that we are transformed and strengthened in our daily lives by each such experience.
We have the gifts of...clarity, intuition, personal power in relationships, resilience and visions…
Chastity Office #10
While most people come on this site for sex addiction recovery, the truth is that “Addiction is the disease that migrates”.
So, we are prepared for 22 addictions…for however your particular constellation of addictions may appear:
The Four “Basic Food” groups:
- Drinking
- Drugs
- Smoking
- Caffeine
The Seven Types of SLRR (Sex, Love, Romance and Relationship)
- Masturbation or Affairs
- Love
- Romance
- Relationship
- Al-anon
- Anon-anonism
- Sexaholism
The Four types of Money Recoveries
- Debt
- Workaholism
- Underearning
- Gambling
The Four Types of Self-Relationships
- ACA
- Codependency
- Victimhood
- Narcissism
The most abstruse recovery
- Artistic preoccupations
The most recent discovery
- Media addiction
The most obvious, but yet denial ridden, recovery
- Fat
Chastity Office #11
Sex Addiction - Obsessive/compulsive sexual activity that negatively impacts other parts of the addicts’ life...or other people's lives. The compulsiveness can be expressed in many ways. Possibilities are through the use of masturbation, promiscuity, affairs, multiple partners, anonymous sex, sex in public places, strip clubs, lingerie parlors, prostitution, child molestation, rape, pornography, x-rated bookstores, voyeurism, exhibitionism, orgies and porn theaters...but are not limited to these.
Relationship Addiction - An expression of powerlessness in the inability to leave or stay out of self-destructive relationships. The sexual or romantic aspects of the relationship may not be highlighted. It is the clinging to stay in a current relationship or the clawing to get into a new relationship that characterizes this addiction. The solution here is 12-step recovery with an emphasis on multiple, healthy, non-sexual, intimate friendships to fill the unmet needs for family that the addict experiences.
Love addiction - An obsessive/compulsive need to satisfy the desire to feel whole or complete through using the presence of another person. When there is a feeling of “oceanic one-ness” in the beloved’s presence and a corresponding sense of doom, futility, pointlessness and despair at the prospect of never “having” the love object then love addiction is present. There may be no “relationship” in the conventional sense and there may not even be sexuality present. 12-step recovery works here, too, but the emphasis needs to be on learning how to love yourself thoroughly before you love others.
Romance Addiction - An obsessive/compulsive need to be excited by romantic, though not necessarily sexual or relational, activities. Endless series of brief relationships, inability to commit, self-destructive pursuit of the manic, fantastic and chaotic “relationships” as well as the demand that the “ideal perfect partner” be found characterize this addiction.
Chastity Office #12
Intrigue - The transmission of sexual information or energy to see if the other person is available sexually. Sexual innuendo, double entendre, sexual jokes or simply bringing the topic of sex to the conversation. In its more subtle forms intrigue can be accomplished with eye contact, body language or intentional contact with someone who ‘triggers’ you.
Objectifying - Viewing another person as the object of personal sexual gratification. Also called "body parting" or "rubbernecking".
Fantasy - The use of memories of previous sexual experiences or the use of imagination to create sexual fantasies for the stimulation of sexual arousal. It is frequently, but not always, accompanied by masturbation.
Healthy Sexuality – Most of us believe that a healthy sexuality is characterized by commitment, love and intimacy.
Intimacy - The ability to share feelings, desires, needs, thoughts, attitudes and beliefs honestly and openly with another person; with yourself; or with a Higher Power
Commitment - a willingness to stay with a partner and work through pain and problems regardless of how you may feel. There is a limit to this commitment and that is when staying with a partner is clearly detrimental to oneself spiritually.
Love - actions, words and thoughts that are characterized by gentleness, positiveness and acceptance.
Spirituality - We define this for ourselves but a temporary definition might be-actions, thoughts, attitudes and beliefs that create and sustain healthy relationships with ourselves, others and perhaps a Higher Power.
Higher Power - The belief that there is a “Power greater than oneself”-if only the power of the collective wisdom of the group, which can be helpful when you are powerless.
Celibacy Period - a time of complete abstinence from all sexual behavior including masturbation and sex with a partner. This is initially designed to determine exactly what behaviors you are addicted to.
Chastity - Celibacy accompanied by no fantasizing, objectifying, intriguing, or any other activity which would arouse one’s own or another’s lust.
Chastity Office #13
According to Werner Herzog's 2016 movie "Lo and Behold: Reveries of the Connected World".
“If the information that passes through the internet in one day were stored on a CD-Rom and stacked up...they would reach to Mars and back”
Mars is 57 million miles away. There are 1.3 million CD ROMs in a mile and a CD rom is 74 minutes long.
Multiply that by the 57 million miles to Mars and you have 89 quadrillion hours of internet information per day.
Divide that by the 7.4 billion people in the world and you have over 12,000 hours day of internet information per person.
The most conservative estimates are that 4% of internet traffic is porn
That means that there are 500 hours of porn per day for every person in the world each day.
That’s a lotta porn...
Chastity Office #14
“About 40 million Americans visit porn websites on a regular basis”
“The number of people in the United States living with sex addiction is currently estimated at 12–30 million.”
“Approximately 5% of people successfully recover from their sex addiction.”
These statistics indicate that, on average, if you visit porn sites regularly, you have a better than 50% chance of becoming a sex addict.
But, the really scary number is that you only have a 1 in 20 chance of recovering.
The next time you say to yourself, “I’ve already been to two 15 minute meetings today”…think about that number.
Chastity Office #15
Religion’s descriptions of Chastity:
I have found the "Pearl of great price"
I have found the "Kingdom of God"
I have found the "Kingdom of heaven"
I have found "Eternal life"
I am no longer a "House divided"
I am no longer a "Kingdom divided"
I am no longer "Serving two masters"
"Free at last, free at last...Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!"
Chastity Office #16
(Excerpts from Think And Grow Rich, the most famous book on money in the English language)
The men of greatest achievement are men with highly developed sex natures; men who have learned the art of sex transmutation.
Sex energy is the creative energy of all genius.
The road to genius consists of the development, control, and use of sex, love, and romance.
The factor of personality known as "personal magnetism" is nothing more nor less than sex energy. Highly sexed people always have a plentiful supply of magnetism.
When (sex is) harnessed, and redirected along other lines, this motivating force maintains all of its attributes of keenness of imagination, courage, etc., which may be used as powerful creative forces in literature, art, or in any other profession or calling, including, of course, the accumulation of riches.
Highly sexed successful men: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Napoleon Bonaparte
Chastity Office #17
We used to sing a piece of liturgical doggerel when I was a kid:
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above ye Heavenly Host.
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
I think that’s just a verbose way of saying…”Be Grateful”.
Chastity Office #18
Why, you might ask all the emphasis on Chastity, since a lifetime of Chastity is clearly not our goal?
Because, even the most liberal of the Sex Addiction 12 Step Groups, Sex and love Addicts Anonymous states, “You need to go through withdrawal in order to become a whole person.”
We believe that a healthy man can do without any genital contact, with himself or others, for a minimum of 60 days.
Chastity Office #19
I heard something I’ve never heard in AA tonight:
“I need my Higher Power to be as “ Cunning, baffling and powerful” as my disease.”
That’s right…I usually think of God as positive, gentle, accepting, even humorous, strong, honest, compassionate, forgiving and patient.
But, I need a God that can get down and do battle in the trenches, when hand-to-hand combat is needed.
“Cunning, baffling and powerful” …yeah, that’ll work.
Chastity Office #20
“Religion without sacrifice means nothing”
Gandhi
Surrendering a broken relationship to God is one thing.
But, how about surrendering the possibility of a healthy relationship with an emotionally available, spiritual developed, physically-fit woman?
Would you surrender that possibility for the gifts of Chastity?
What gifts does a healthy relationship bring?
Someone to love
Someone to love you
Someone to share your life with
Sex
Shared wealth
Someone to cuddle with
Someone to share meals with
Someone to share holidays with
On the other hand, these are gifts of Chastity:
Efficient perceptions of reality
Comfortable acceptance of self and others
Spontaneity
Task centering
Autonomy
Continued freshness of appreciation
Fellowship with humanity
Profound interpersonal relationships
Comfort with solitude
Non-hostile sense of humor
Peak experiences
Clarity , intuition, personal power in relationships, resilience and visions…
On the other hand a relationship can bring you children…that’s pretty darn hard to top.
On the other hand Celibacy Promises:
We will be more available to our children
We will be more present and productive at work.
We will become stronger and more supple.
Our financial situations will clear up.
Our artistic and “spiritual” aspirations will be realized.
Self-draining sexual/romantic relationships will suddenly wither and die
We will have more clarity, intuition and personal power.
We will have more fun.
We will finally...relax
Socrates said “ Let a man choose marriage or Chastity…he will be sure to repent”. I never get tired of laughing at that.
Both choices have gifts. Both have costs.
With periods of finite Chastity…you can have both.
Chastity Office #21
What if you woke up one morning on a different planet?
What if you woke up to a world where one out of four men cheat on their wives and 92% of men masturbate.
What if you woke up to a world where young women were being held hostage with narcotics, to perform sexual acts on pornographic video, controlled by small-time organized crime, known for their use of extortion, physical beatings and murder?
What if you woke up to a world, where in your country, 33,000 women and children were being sold as sex slaves for a profit each year?
If that were real and true (as it currently is in the US) I might think or begin to believe that, just maybe, the way we were utilizing sex might be a little off kilter?
Maybe it’s time to rethink what sex is used for.
Here is a quote from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:
“But, the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic.
It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But, the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process I had the curious feeling that my sexually obsessive condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be.”
What am I doing that is wrong sexually?
Chastity Office #22
How do I HALT? I remember:
Easy does it
Take it easy…Everything will work out
Just breathe, surrender your thoughts and relax
Or, as Frank Zappa used to say, “Shut up and play your guitar”…
Chastity Office #23
Surrendering sexual behaviors that cause “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” are the actions that define sexual sobriety.
But…to “Develop my character”, I must surrender objectification, fantasy and intrigue.
These three things define my “Sexual Character.
Chastity Office #24
If I wander into my middle circle of “Intrigue, fantasy or objectification“ I open up an aperture that tears into the shield of my recovery…and the obsession returns.
As a sex addict I then become, as the AA 12x12 says, a “Victim of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it”.
If that happens, it will get worse, to the point where, finally, “I stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.”
Chastity Office #25
HP,
I believe it is your will for me to be chaste today.
According to the Big Book: “Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.”
So, the best way for me to be “reasonably comfortable” practicing Chastity, is to help other men who are interested in practicing finite chastity.
Chastity Office #26
“Without a vision my people perish”.
Proverbs 29:18
Here is the very unpalatable truth…I have been given a vision.
I have been teaching it to others.
I cannot abandon it. I must learn to live with it.
It will require everything I have learned thus far…
Chastity Offices #27
Everybody is different, but, for me, I do not have the opportunity to experience real peace of mind, unless I am chaste.
Otherwise…I’m still lookin’.
Chastity Office #28
Help me to be unselfish, just for today.
Help me not to see women as objects of my sexual desire, just for today.
Help me not to see women as possibilities to meet my own neediness for emotional safety, love and belonging or esteem (validation), just for today.
Help me not see women as occasions for romantic or relational intrigue, just for today.
Help me not see women as people who might meet my desire for affection or for company, just for today.
Help me not see women as objects of love that may complete an emptiness within me, just for today.
Help me see women, as I see men, as people to serve, just for today.
Chastity Office #29
As Lao Tze would say, “Help me on this journey of mightiness (health).”
Help me conquer myself, just for today.
Help me have a "springtime of the spirit"
Help me first, to be satisfied in conquering myself and secondly, to know peace, through experiencing my soul.
Help me to surrender my thoughts, to breathe in deeply and to experience my soul as often as I can today.
Now that I am free, help me build a new life, doing what you want me to do.
Help me to surrender anything that would distract me from my soul.
Help me to remember that as I change myself, I change the world.
Help me to remember when Al-anon quotes Blaise Pascal "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
Today I will look for love within myself….gentle, positive, accepting.
Give me courage to act and wisdom to know when to act.
Help me to be positive, gentle and accepting of myself all day long today.
Chastity Office #30
As one of my highest order needs, the need for contentment comes from being what I want to be.
Help me to want something I can achieve, so that I will feel content.
Help what I want to be sane and attainable, so that I may feel content.
While service makes me feel happy, joyous and free, feeling content is different.
Help what I want to have, do, or be, be reasonable, just and sane, so that having attained it, I am content with myself.
Help what I want to be modest, so that it is attainable, so that I may obtain contentment .
Chastity Office #31
I will have mercy on myself.
I have mercy on the child I was as a boy.
I mercifully wash away the guilt I feel for what I did as a youth.
I am cleansed of my sin as God's tenderness flows through my merciful heart.
I am new.
I will protect the new me, as I am tender.
Guide me Lord in my new life, Amen.
Chastity Office #32
I have come for me
Help me to unbaffle and uncunn myself
Help me to walk like a King
Forgive my sins
Renew my youth like an eagle
Help me to breathe deeply today
Help me to exercise hard for my heart
Remove my character defect of lust, please
Help me to feel my soul so that I feel that I have enough.
Chastity Office #33
I must:
Fight for my chastity, when necessary
Strive for absolute honesty
Strive for absolute purity
Strive for absolute love
Strive for absolute unselfishness
Be merciful and forgiving when I fall short of absolute perfection.
Chastity Office #34
Help me be gentle with myself when I fail.
Help me to be as merciful to myself as a great father would be to his child.
Help me to encourage myself.
Help me to have faith in myself.
Help me to be proud of my courage.
Help me to love myself today by taking the actions of love, having an attitude of gratitude and contentment, believing beliefs that are positive, gentle and accepting, thinking hopefully and feeling everything I feel.
Chastity Office #35
Help me to take care of myself in chastity.
I will feel more.
Hurt is one of the feelings I will feel more.
When I feel hurt help me to remember that I need my anger more to protect me from feeling victimized, which is the number one addictive trigger to cause failure at chastity.
I am going to feel angry more…or I am not going to make it.
I commit to feel my anger…
Chastity Office #36
Chastity-Suffering and Character building:
“But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness.”
“Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not.”
“We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering.”
“Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.”
As a child, the suffering I experienced was at my parents' hands, so I revolt at the injustice of that suffering. But I am a man now.
I can choose to suffer (which simply means that I feel the meta-feeling of hurt, needy, sad and lonely).
When I surrender what I want (which is to be sexual right now) I can build my character…I can “Man up”…one day at a time.
Chastity Office #37
While there are many, many things to do to become enlightened, to walk through that door, for me, with my mindset… I can only enter through chastity.
Chastity Office #38
“In brahmacharya lies the protection of the body the mind and the soul”.
_Gandhi
It is true. I feel:
More resilient socially
More energetic
More athletic
Have a purer, more serene mind
Am more attentive to business
More intuitively in touch with my Higher Power
Stronger
More artistic
More fun loving
Chastity Office #39
Jesus only mentions sex three times: Once warning about divorce, once warning about objectifying and then this curious, very little utilized, passage: "There are those who choose to live like eunuchs to know the kingdom of heaven. If you can accept it, accept it”.
Eunuchs are people who don’t have sex and there are, according to him, three kinds:
- People born that way
- People who are made that way: Members of the ancient Chinese Emperor’s staff, Italian Castrato (young boys who sang very high parts in operas during the mid 16th century) and various felons who were being punished, typically for sexual crimes
- And then...people who want to know the Kingdom of heaven
Now wait a minute...You mean to say first of all that there really is a kingdom of heaven... and then you say that to know it I must give up sex!
Yeah, that’s pretty much Jesus’ observation.
Are you crazy? I don’t want to give up sex...
But, on the other hand, if this is true, I don’t miss the boat on the kingdom of heaven, either.
What can I do?
There is a way to have both...“Finite periods of chastity”. A minimum of 60 days is what my sponsor taught me.
60 days abstinence ain’t bad...to get the kingdom of God
Chastity Office #40
“Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings”.
_Proverbs 31:3
Well, I am no king, but I certainly don’t want to be “Ruined”.
During this “Finite period of chastity” with my wife I have enjoyed: a strong energy boost, more productivity, better sense of humor, better health, more exercise and more social resilience.
I don’t want to give that up today.
Chastity Office #41
“When should you have sex with a woman?...When you want to lose the strength you have”.
_Pythagorus
I want to be strong in relationships, to take care of myself, to keep my boundaries, so as not to feel victimized.
I want to be strong physically: cardiovascular, flexibility, strength, endurance and conformation.
I want to be strong financially so I can take care of myself, my wife and my son.
I want to be strong spiritually and that means being honest and loving, with myself, God and others.
Chastity Office #42
“Chastity is peace”.
There is an attitude of self-demandingness, below the level of self-pity, which drives me mercilessly, madly on, like those armies who’ve decided to attack Mother Russia in the winter snow.
As Bill W. would say in the Big Book p.4: “The old fierce determination to win came back”.
This attitude comes from a conversation with my father when I was 12.
He took me to a pretty creek and was going to give me the “Birds and Bees” talk. He started by saying, “Is there anything you want to know about?”
I, naively, said “Yes. I’d like to know about that brown liquid you are drinking”.
He tried to recover his composure, but was clearly stung deeply with a sense of shame.
In trying to explain his current behavior he said that “No matter what we do, we can always do better.”
As Bill Wilson would say, from that moment “The drive for success was on”.
Big Book p.2
That would be the seed, for me, that would grow into a life long pursuit of absolute perfection. That’s the bad news.
Here’s the good news...“Chastity is peace”.
Looking back, my father’s shame was not motivated by drinking...but by his sexual behavior.
And the best way to eradicate sexual shame, at least initially, is through chastity.
“Chastity is peace”.
Chastity Office #43
I will:
Laugh at myself
Believe that I will get better
Trust God
Serve others
Have a positive attitude
Smile
Forgive myself
Pray
Read spiritual literature
Exercise
Forgive others
Manage my money
Relax
Do nothing
Have fun
Be aware of my food
Be conscious of my sexual choices
Announce limits
Grieve losses
Set boundaries
Accept reality
Feel my feelings
Meet my needs
Be self-restrained
Enjoy my choices
Share with others
Persevere
Connect
Practice self-discipline
Rejoice
Chastity Office #44
HP,
In order to stay chaste today help me to love myself today.
Specifically, help me to:
- Stay in touch with my feelings
- Set boundaries with those who are harmful
- Announce limits so as not to harm myself
- Keep myself emotionally healthy by meeting my needs for:
- Safety
- Love and belonging
- Esteem of others
- Self-esteem
To fully actualize myself, help me meet my needs for
- Near constant Prayer
- Self-transcendence through Service
- Spirituality through connectedness, originally with God, then others, and finally, lastingly and constantly, with myself
- Contentment through realization of my highest, realistically attainable goal
- Creativity through creating beauty for the joy of it
- Peace of mind through knowing my soul
Chastity Office #45
How do I want to live life, old?
Laugh as much as possible...
Accept instead of change.
…so it’s important to change everything I want to change before I get old, LOL.
Chastity Office #46
What about, not from the old school inner child’s perspective, but on the other end of life?
How is the best way to, in fact, be old?
Laughing at myself
Freedom from all addictions…which is enlightenment
Knowing my soul
Exercise
Reading
Inventorying
Prayer
Service
Chastity Office #47
The 1976 film Rocky I and the 2015 film Creed I both have a deft, subversive and pugilistic underground message “Sex makes your legs weak”.
If that is really true (and I have heard that said by a professional boxing promoter I know) then, while you’re practicing finite Chastity, it might be fun to try some things that require really strong legs, like running, biking or swimming…Just to see if you notice any difference.
Chastity Office #48
Step Four : Made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves” then read, as a Fifth Step, to Matt D. on Sunday March 19, 2023.
Is it possible that everything sexually that I have ever done is wrong?
The Big Book, on page 69, asks me nine questions about sex:
Where have I been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate?
Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?
Whom have I hurt?
Where was I at fault and what should I have done instead?
If I leave out the many, many women I have been sexual with because we both thought it was fun at the time, and look only at the two women I have loved and the five women I have been in love with in my life, I hurt all of these women, when I left them. I also hurt all of them, again, by going back and forth after breaking up.
Chastity Office #49
Honestly, as tough as Chastity is, it ain’t enough…if I am still doing ancillary self-destructive behaviors.
Cause with Chastity I feel more…so doing bad stuff makes me feel even worser!
Chastity Office #50
Surrendering sexual behaviors that cause “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” are the actions that define sexual sobriety.
But…to “Develop my character”, I must surrender objectification, fantasy and intrigue.
These three things define my “Sexual Character.
Chastity Office #51
After I get sober from sex addiction (The hardware) I need to deal with my thinking (The software).
We have Offices specifically designed for that (The Codependency Readings and the Adult Children of Alcoholic Readings).
They say that “Once you take away the porn from a sex addict…what you have left is a codependent.”
Internal emotional/spiritual balance is between the extreme of narcissism and the extreme of codependence.
These issues are not apparent to me when I am using porn, masturbating, cheating on my partner, intriguing, fantasizing or objectifying.
So, if I get the opportunity to work on the balance between the extremes of codependence and narcissism…I am clearly growing in sex addiction recovery.
Chastity Office #52
Sexual sobriety is not enough…for me.
I need to let go of other things that I find harmful…and that’s quite a list.
Healthy food and regular moderate exercise makes me feel robust and strong, which is how I envision and experience genuine sobriety.
Otherwise, for me…I am “Stark raving sober”…and that doesn’t sound too good.
Chastity Office #53
The Big Book refers to fear as an “Evil and corroding thread”.
For me, fear is a feeling, but to act on fear is cowardice…and that is corroding.
I need to Act with Courage…
But, I only get that opportunity to Act with Courage and face my fears, if I am sexually sober…and that includes objectification, fantasy and intrigue.
Chastity Office #54
Fantasy is imagining being sexual with someone or replaying previous sexual memories…and both assault my character.
My mind become weak, porous and vulnerable to other negative thinking.
When I allow that, other addictions start to leak in, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
Where do I draw a line in the sand and say “No more!”.
12 Step teaches “Prayer does not change God…it changes me”.
If I am doing something addictive, like fantasizing, I can simply pray the first three steps, as a prayer, and it will change me.
Chastity Office #55
Intrigue is middle circle. It is a “Yellow light” that cautions me that I am headed for a “Red Light”.
I am clear that sexualizing conversations with a woman (I am a straight male) is middle circle.
But, just having proximity to certain people can be dicey.
I love what the Sexaholics say “If you don’t know whether or not what you are doing sexually is okay…ask your wife”.
Chastity Office #56
God,
We all think you’re up there in the sky, watching everything we do, hoping you are feeling merciful.
We all think you have given us life and, on a good day, we try to be grateful.
If you could just give me a nudge, from time to time, to lighten up and not “take myself too damned seriously” I sho’ would appreciate it.
Amen
Chastity Office #57
Social Resiliency is the greatest gift of Chastity.
Chastity Office #58
“Repent and Live”.
What does that mean to me?
To let go of my sexual obsession and relax and have fun…just for today.
Chastity Office #59
When I am in withdrawal I remember will feel:
- Washed out
- Like I’m gonna die
- Like the world is gonna end
And while I am feeling that way… try to be grateful that I am getting more sober.
Chastity Office #60
Even if you are not masturbating, using porn or cheating on your wife.
Even if you are perfectly celibate.
Even if objectification, fantasy and intrigue are pretty much at absolute zero in your life…
There is still sexual desire…
The AA 12x12 says:
“It is nowhere evident, at least in this life, that our Creator expects us fully to eliminate our instinctual drives. So far as we know, it is nowhere on the record that God has completely removed from any human being all his natural drives.”
So that natural drive is going to stay…
How do we keep it from turning from desire to obsession?
Gandhi has a thought:
“I found that complete control of the palate made the observance of the vow of chastity very easy.”
SLAA also has a positive suggestion:
“Some of us took up jogging, or other exercises that required greater physical effort. These helped to provide a physical sensation of tiredness which could fill the void left by the absence of sexual release, or even replace it.”
So, they say complete control of my food and greater physical exercise, both help.
Chastity Office #61
The Ten Points:
1. Completely giving ourselves to this simple Program;
2. Practicing rigorous honesty;
3. Being willing to go to any lengths to recover;
4. Realizing that there is no easier, softer way;
5. Being fearless and thorough in our practice of the principles;
6. Letting go of our old ideas absolutely;
7. Recognizing that half measures will not work;
8. Asking God’s protection and care with complete abandon;
9. Being willing to grow along spiritual lines;
10. Accepting the following pertinent ideas as proved by All Addicts Anonymous experience:
(a) that you cannot manage your own life;
(b) that probably no human power can restore you to sanity;
(c) that God can and will if sought.
Chastity Office #62
We stand ready to do anything that will lift the merciless obsession from us.”
P.24 AA 12x12
What if you are not masturbating, objectifying, intriguing or fantasizing…but, the obsession is still on you?
Gandhi says to eat less.
Chastity Office #63
The AA Promises interpreted for Chastity:
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through.”
No ancillary addictions….Watching our food and exercising.
“We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness:”
Freedom from feeling shame around masturbating, the guilt of cheating on our wives and the knawing lust of fantasy, objectification and intrigue.
“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”
Forgiveness from divorces, custody cases, lost girlfriends, heartbreaking breakups.
“We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.”
Being okay whether I get what I want or not and knowing my soul, after all my addictions are stopped.
“No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.”
Failures are what newcomers can identify with.
“That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.”
I become useful through service.
“We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.”
Serving others brings joy.
“Self-seeking will slip away.”
No more hustling men for money or sex from women.
“Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.”
An attitude of gratitude and acceptance replaces merciless self-demandingness.
“Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.”
I have enough.
“We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.”
God guides me through each and every day
“We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”
God is real.
“Are these unrealistic promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will materialize if we work for them.”
I do my 1%. God does the rest…
Chastity Office #64
Chastity makes every other type of recovery look easy
It’s nice to experience what some of our hero’s experienced: Saint Augustine, Joan of Arc and Gandhi…
You don’t have that kind of spiritual talent to share a simple tool with them…Chastity, for just three hours at a time.
Chastity Office #65
What can I do to make Chastity more comfortable on top of the normal 12 step stuff: meetings, sponsorship, step-work, reading literature, prayer and meditation?
Exercise very hard, super clean food…have fun
Chastity Office #66
In May of 1990 after doing my first celibacy period (7 1/2 months) and starting a very active committed monogamous relationship for 4 months, I suddenly realized that sexual sobriety and chastity were not the exact same states of being.
One required more sacrifice…but, gave more gifts.
I felt so cheated, so let down, almost betrayed.
Why didn’t anyone tell me that?
Back then, no one really knew…Now we do.
Active, healthy sexuality is lovely. It is “God given” according to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
But, luckily for me, my S-Anon sponsor also told me, “Chastity is a special state of Grace”.
Chastity Office #67
Why do people get fat when they get old?
When you don’t have sex the most sensual thing you do is eat…
Maybe old fat people…just miss sex
Chastity Office #68
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
Even if I am perfectly chaste that doesn’t mean that other people are sober in their respective diseases.
I need the social resilience that comes from chastity when I am around someone who is flaming in their addiction…
Chastity Office #69
When I choose chastity, just for today, I have attained my highest goal of self-love.
I am as close to myself as I can be.
I have a gift I can give God that brings me closer to Him, personally.
I am fully realized, self-actualized, enlightened and mighty.
My whole life, up to this point, makes sense.
Then...I can wear my recovery "Like a loose garment".
Chastity Office #70
It is my experience that the part of me that esteems myself is also the same part that intrigues, objectifies and fantasizes…and I can't do both things with that same part.
Therefore, lust (through intrigue, objectification, and fantasy) destroys my high self-esteem.
Chastity Office #71
Masturbation feels violent, vicious, ripping and tearing through my boundaries, extinguishing my self-esteem, self-drop-kicking myself into two days of depression...every single time.
Chastity Office #72
While in conflict, my need for safety, my need for love-and-belonging and my need for esteem-of-others is not met by the other person, because they are too busy protecting themselves.
To make up for that deficit of love from the other person, I can love myself...by choosing finite chastity.
Chastity Office #73
What would I do differently if I accepted a vow of chastity, just for today, starting today?
I would:
Practice breath prayer
Discipline my mind to choose a positive attitude
Do more exercise
Make sure my food was as clean as I could make it
Create art as a creative "outer circle"
Transmute all the energy of intrigue, objectification and fantasy...to prayer.
And go to PrayerCall a lot
Chastity Office #74
When I start to reach for 'sex, love, romance, or relationship', unhealthily...help me feel my soul within me.
"The kingdom of God is within" says the gospel of Luke.
If my soul is not the kingdom of God…Then what is?
Lord, help me, just for today to feel my soul.
Chastity Office #75
Chastity is my personal highest spiritual goal today.
I have an attitude of gratitude around chastity.
I am humbly grateful to have received this gift.
I am grateful I no longer feel lonely or needy around being alone.
I am grateful to have developed the skills of being with myself.
I believe I am the very best I can be when I choose chastity.
Chastity Office #76
Intrigue is any conversation, look, or body language that would convey sexual interest in another person.
There is a time for that: When dating an appropriate person or starting to engage romantically with a committed partner.
Women always sense intrigue, instantly, and as describe it as “It feels weird around him”, otherwise.
HP,
Keep me perfectly pure, in both my words and my thoughts.
Chastity Office #77
I surrender sex, love, romance and relationship, just for today.
I will use my sexual energy to serve others and take care of myself in an "enlightened self-interest" sort of way.
I will meditate and try to ascertain God's will for me.
I will not take myself too damned seriously.
Chastity Office #78
I will be grateful that my sexual energy is so strong and that I can channel it in positive, creative and useful ways.
I will work on my cardio, strength, endurance and flexibility today. As Gandhi says "As with the body, so with the Universe".
I will be grateful for the things I have.
I will pray often throughout the day.
I will practice mercy and forgiveness, with myself and others.
I will practice being content with my soul
Chastity Office #79
A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary incontinence”.
_Gandhi
Incontinence in this sense means “Failure to restrain sexual appetite”.
Is that really true? Does sex make you weak? Do you really lose your strength?
Pythagorus, Plato, Gandhi and that great philosopher Rocky Balboa thought so.
There are two kinds of loss.
The first accompanies doing something I know full well is wrong, like cheating on my wife or masturbating. I then feel “Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization”. That is the stuff sex addiction programs deal with.
But that is not what Gandhi is talking about.
He is saying that there is some energy inside a man’s body that, when I employ my body for sexual activity, is not available for other activities.
It’s just physics...nothing personal.
Chastity Office #80
Chastity is happiness”.
If chosen, finite, chastity raises self-esteem in a sex addict more efficaciously than any other action, and it does...then chastity paves the way for the freedom of happiness.
Chastity Office #81
Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others”.
_Proverbs 5:8
When I am doing a 60 day celibacy period, it may be a good idea to keep some distance from my beloved...if I am feeling vulnerable.
As Gandhi would say, “Renunciation without aversion is not lasting”.
AA would say, “If you keep hanging around a barbershop...you are going to end up getting a haircut”.
Chastity Office #82
For me, there are three things that I can do to increase the probability that I will feel God in my life:
1. Practice celibacy: This means no genital contact with myself or others. “Chastity”, also includes no objectification, no fantasy and no intrigue.
2. Service: This has to be addiction-specific to work. That is, if I’m a sex addict I have to help sex addicts get sober. If I am an alcoholic I have to help alcoholics not to drink. It can’t be that I help an old lady across the street or that I find a stray puppy and take him home. That’s nice…But it won’t stop addiction, because there’s no humility involved with that.
3. Laughter: There is an expression in 12 step, “If you haven’t got joy…you haven’t got anything I want”.
Chastity Office #83
Sister may no harm come to you from me”.
This prayer is my first line of defense against objectifying if I see a beautiful woman in person, in a magazine, a movie, online or on a billboard.
It’s also my first defense against fantasy. If an image of a former partner pops up from my subconscious I can defeat it with this prayer.
Thirdly, if I want to intrigue-sexualize conversations with women-I can stop myself with this prayer.
Chastity Office #84
There is something completely unique about surrendering all sex. You cross a line when you do that.
That line crosses into the realm, not of health (which is what all 12 Step programs address)...but of holiness and you get to try out something that some interesting people tried like:
Mohammed Ali (for six weeks before a title fight)
Saint Augustine
Gandhi
Jesus
Pythagoras
Joan of Arc
Leonardo da Vinci
Pythia...The Oracle of Delphi
Chastity Office #85
What a blessing it is to be chaste.
I “recreate” myself, which means to:
refreshen
recharge
revive
regenerate
rejuvenate
renew
repair
restore
resuscitate
revitalise
Chastity Office #86
All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness”
(AA 12x12, Page 40)
For me, this is probably the most spiritually enlightening sentence in the entire AA 12x12.
Everyone needs to try to stop addiction by themselves at first. It’s the most natural thing in the world. If I have a problem I want to solve it. So I try, and I try, and I try.
But, at some point, I have to be honest with myself, “I am failing at trying to stop”.
A failure is the most terrible thing you can be in the American consciousness, as a man...That word strikes shame at the very core of self-esteem.
But it is absolutely necessary, critically necessary, to “Develop the quality of willingness“.
I have to “hit bottom”, as the AA first step says.
It may take months. It may take years to accept powerlessness.
But, at last...with that self-honesty, I have an opportunity to develop something I have known very little about in my life...humility.
“I admit that I am powerless over masturbation-that my life has become unmanageable”.
Without this willingness there will never be success.
The crucial point is...am I willing to try something different and to let go of my old ideas?
Chastity Office #87
Objectification is the single most hinderance to a sex addict’s Chastity
It is aided and abetted by the fact that every woman is trying, through picking “ cute” clothes, manicures, pedicures, mascara, lipstick, foundation, blush, eyeliner and sexy shoes to be attractive as humanly possible. (If you don’t think this is true…try to get your wife out the door when she is putting on her make-up).
But, this is our problem…not theirs.
The prayer “Sister, May no harm come to you from me”, if applied frequently enough, will neutralize anything Dior, L’Oreal or Chanel can throw our way.
The purity and freedom of chastity is worth it.
Chastity Office #88
How do you become an instant Narcissist?
…disagree with a woman
Lighten up guys…
Chastity Office #89
Let’s say that you’re deep in an addiction and you feel the need to control everything around you because you don’t see that you’re the problem.
You can control people with one simple rule:
“No one is allowed to feel better…than the most miserable person in the room”.
Then, you go around being the most miserable person in the room… Until you’re finished punishing whoever you’re mad at.
Everyone suffers. Of course, you don’t care, because they’re the problem…not you.
Lighten up, boys…
Chastity Office #90
One of the great reliefs of Chastity is you don’t have to lie…as much.
Wife: Do I look fat in this dress?
Husband: Do I look stupid?
Chastity Office #91
It is not good for the man to be alone”
No…He needs someone who will cut off the sexual supply when he doesn’t like his mate’s mother, her cat, her hairstyle, favorite Tik-Tok artist, new shoes, investment plans, political views, food choices, exercise plan, career trajectory, childcare opinions , work friends or drinking habits.
Chastity Office #92
All women have two eyes, two ears , a mouth and a nose….and yet each one has completely unique look and are infinitely interesting for a sex addict to look at.
But…the problem is that sex addicts have a “core belief”, as Patrick Carnes PhD the founder of sex addiction states, that renders them sex addicts and that belief is that nothing feels better than sex and nothing feels better than the romantic love that surrounds it.
Because of that belief, sex addicts have an obsession with looking at women, or “objectifying”.
Obsession, by definition, is mental illness.
It's hard for a sex addict to accept that this is in fact a mental illness, but that is what the AA 12x12 states on the last page of Step #2.
12 step teaches about “Service” or helping others “for fun and for free”.
That is something that is not only more powerful than the obsession, but is also more interesting than the infinitely varied women's body parts.
Chastity Office #93
There are 168 hours in the week.
If you masturbate 30 minutes a day, seven days a week that’s less than 2% of the week.
AA says we drink because “ We don’t live life on life’s terms”.
How does that translate sexually?
98% of the time, if we are intriguing with someone online, at work or at the gym, objectifying as we walk down the street, watching movies or noticing ads, or fantasizing, then we are not “ Living life on life’s terms”, and we will eventually reach for the 2% of physically “ acting out” caused by our 98% of mentally acting out that we have allowed to roll around in our heads.
Being sexually sober is not masturbating and not cheating on your partner, but if you want to be sober, and stay sober, you have to deal with the stuff when nobody else is watching: fantasy, intrigue and especially…objectification.
Chastity Office #94
HP,
I believe it is your will for us to be free of objectification (looking at women sexually), because it makes them feel “ weird”.
As we are sexually addicted, and thereby obsessed with sex, we cannot stop or control this behavior anymore than we can stop masturbating or cheating on our partners.
Your will, more than anything else, is for us to be honest.
But you want us, after being honest, to be humble, and the simplest way to do that is to go to meetings and announce our day count.
Chastity Office #95
Fantasy is as instantaneous as objectification, but is more pernicious.
Why? Because every thought, image, feeling or memory of any female you have encountered is stored in your brain and can come to consciousness, unbidden, at any moment.
This is particularly tricky, because it appears sequentially, as though it was in the natural course of the human thought process.
Recent, conservative estimates are that men think about sex 19 times a day.
Chastity Office #96
Here are some signs that your life may unmanageable:
“You are never sure of your life”.
“The sights you see drive you mad.”
“You have an anxious mind, eyes weary with longing, and a despairing heart.”
Even if you can endure unsureness, anxiousness, weariness, despair and the madness associated with Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy how many of us could live with: “You are unsuccessful in everything you do”.?
The only way to be rid of that, is to find God’s will…and do it.
Chastity Office #97
Objectification and fantasy take people out of the world of shrieking toddlers, the fierce competition for money, the disappointments in love, the frustrations at work, and the self-dissipation of the body.
But, it also takes us out of the glory of our children's smiles, the warmth of our safe friends, the love flowing from service, and the knowable presence of God.
It’s a two edged sword.
Help keep us chaste, Higher Power, please.
Chastity Office #98
Objectification, Intrigue and Fantasy are not your will for me.
Masturbation and affairs are never your will for me.
Sex, love, romance and relationship are not your will for me…today.
Your will for me, today, is to be happy, joyous and free.
Objectification, Intrigue, Fantasy, Masturbation and Affairs always make me suffer.
Sex, love, romance and relationship, if it is your will, and if I do it your way, are just fine.
But calling addicts, going to meetings and writing literature makes me happy, joyous and free…always, everyday.
Chastity Office #99
I must fight for my chastity, when necessary:
Strive for absolute honesty
Strive for absolute purity
Strive for absolute love
Strive for absolute unselfishness
And be merciful and forgiving when I fall short of absolute perfection
Chastity Office #100
When you hear the terms objectification, fantasy and intrigue together you can get the impression that these behaviors are 1/3, 1/3 and 1/3.
But this isn’t true.
When we intrigue, we are aware we are doing that.
When we lie in bed and consciously imagine having sex with someone, we know what we're doing.
But, objectifying is much more pernicious.
When there is a police incident the first thing that the reporting officer asks you is “Was it a man or a woman?”.
Sexual description comes before race, age, height or physical characteristics in their identification process, because, it is the very first thing that you notice about a person.
That being the case, objectification is the thing that is most negatively impactful, in terms of bandwidth, in a sex addict's life, day in and day out.
But, prayer still works.
You know the drill, repeat after me…“Sister, may no harm come to you from me”.
Chastity Office #101
We are so grateful to be free of objectification on beautiful, warm, sunny days.
The women are all dressed to be alluring, to attract mates, but you have made us impervious to them and therefore, free.
We enjoy our freedom from the mental illness of sexual obsession.
We are now average and normal....in a good way.
You have restored us to sanity…and we are humbly grateful to You.
Chastity Office #102
Outer Circle is critical to success in Chastity.
Physical humility has four parts, which inevitably lead to a fifth part:
Physical strength- push-ups, free weights, machines, etc. How much you can do.
Cardio-Running, Biking, Swimming, etc. Stuff that makes you sweat.
Endurance-How long you can do the above
Flexibility- Stretching, yoga
These four lead to good Conformation.
Chastity Office #103
While objectification is more ubiquitous, intrigue is far more potent in throwing a sex addict out of equilibrium.
Why? Because a woman is making a direct, conscious effort to connect in a non-Platonic way.
When an addict is sober, healthy and free, this is perfectly acceptable as “flirting”.
But, an addict has to make a few judgments:
Am I sober?
Am I committed to someone else?
Is this woman involved with someone else?
Is this person a match, if not, I am using them.
Is this the right time for me?
Lastly, am I attracted to this person?
Chastity Office #104
One of the great things about not objectifying, not intriguing and not fantasizing is that, since my mind is not locked up in it’s own selfishness, that I notice, not just my own feelings, but other people’s feelings.
This gives me social cues on how to respond.
Objectification, fantasy and intrigue have absolutely nothing to do with our physically acting out, but they are 98% of the illness.
I want to be completely free of the disease…
Chastity Office #105
When I am free from objectification, fantasy and intrigue I notice I am free from something else…I am free of my pitiless, merciless self-demandingness.
When I am in Middle Circle I feel, within me, some shame...because I know I am doing something wrong.
To remain in balance, I feel a need to counter that shame with doing something superhuman.
It is more sane to just surrender Middle Circle
Chastity Office #106
Outer Circle is critical to success in Chastity.
HP, You have given me a body to live in.
You have given me the gift of health.
Help me today to value, respect and honor that gift by taking care of my body, through some attention to strength, some to flexibility and some to cardio.
Help me to be moderate…but vigorous.
Chastity Office #107
What is an edge?
According to the Internet:
“The ability to identify benefits of your service and demonstrate how it is better than the competition”.
Spiritually, you can get an edge, but, in this instance the person you are competing against…is yourself.
Chastity will do that.
If you don’t think that is true, look at a guy when he’s interested in a new woman.
Look at the rapidity of his thought, the precision of his words, penetrativeness of his eyes, and the light, quickness of his movements…It’s an edge.
He’ll need that to compete against the other males for the attention of the new female.
But, this chaste edge can be used for other things, like running long distances, biking up great elevations, reading hard books or getting a good job.
There is a T shirt that goes…” If you’re not out on the edge…you’re taking up too much space”.
Chastity Office #108
What if you could really increase the vitality of your spiritual life by doing one simple thing?
Now, it won’t work, if your mind and heart are not in it, too.
Just try not being orgasmic for 60 days…and see what happens.
Chastity Office #109
Being chaste means no genital contact with oneself or others plus no intrigue, objectification or fantasy.
Mentally, though, it means asking God for help when you are powerless, but, also…committing to utilize your will when you are not powerless.
You have to use your willpower to be honest.
You have to use your willpower to have courage.
Chastity Office #110
Most all sex addicts are love addicts, too, and often feel isolated, separate, disconnected and alone.
What they don’t realize is that their own belief system is what is keeping women at arms length.
If you believe that it’s okay to have sex with anyone who is even remotely open to you in conversation, then a smart woman will “ ghost” you.
On the other hand, if you have a belief system that says “ There are no words that you can say, no action you can take, no feeling you can express, that would cause me to be sexual with you”, you’d be profoundly surprised how they react and you won’t have to be alone anymore…unless you choose to.
Chastity Office #111
Flirting is middle circle.
That’s where I present myself as funny, cute, adorable, sexy, brilliant and entertaining to a female.
I am saying “ Pick me!”, “I am the one you should have sex with”.
You gotta do it, and do it well, if you want to successfully have sex with a female.
But, there is nothing chaste about that…nothing.
Chastity Office #112
The Big Book refers to a state of “ Neutrality “:
“We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.”
Is that possible for sex addicts? Yes, it is.
What would you give for that kind of freedom?
What if it cost you some Chastity time?
What if it cost you a lot of Chastity time?
Would that kind of freedom be worth it, to you?
Chastity Office #113
Sex is not a need. It is an instinct.
Eating is a need.
If I surrender all sex, love, romance and relationship, just for a day, it’s amazing how simple my real needs become.
Essentially I need to feel loved and like I belong and also I need to feel esteemed by others to be happy.
That’s pretty much it…but I don’t know that until I surrender all sex…first
Chastity Office #114
Early in my life, I really wanted to be with a woman.
Actually, I really didn’t want to be with myself.
But, the real reason that I didn’t want to be with myself was that I was not in touch with my soul.
Without being in touch with my soul there is, as AA says “A God-sized hole” in me, with the wind just rushing in and out.
But, to find my soul I had to give up my obsessions, the most obvious obsession being, wanting to be with a woman.
Chastity, for me, leads me to my soul.
Chastity Office #115
If you’ve been chaste for a long time it’s easy to forget why you started.
It’s easy to forget, and take for granted, that increased intuition that increases the quality of your own personal judgment in assessing relationships that are healthy for you…or not.
It’s easy to forget that your personal presence in relationships with your family have noticeably, if not occasionally, dramatically, improved.
It’s also very easy to forget the most common gift of Chastity which is increased clarity.
It’s easy to write off, devalue, and diminish the greatest gift of Chastity, which is social resilience….That means when somebody does something hurtful, or says something hurtful, it just rolls off your back and you don’t think about it for hours, or days.
But when you do remember these gifts… you can get real practical about sex.
What kind of sex is worth losing those four things?
What is the loss of Chastity worth in real, practical terms?
Chastity Office #116
Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy:
“God asks only that we try as best we know how to make progress in the building of character.”
AA 12&12 Step Six, p.65
In 35 years of sex addiction recovery I’ve never fully understood how this applied to sex addiction.
Now I do…
The acting out behaviors, the compulsions: Masturbation, affairs, pornography, etc, have to fully stop.
They are actions…
But intrigue, objectification and fantasy are mental processes. It is the “character” of my mind that creates these things.
Actually, intrigue involves speaking.
Objectification, involves looking.
Only Fantasy is purely mental.
Fantasy, where no one can hear it and no one can see it, but me, is where I need to shut the door on disease. It is a good place to finish up my building character.
One day…three hours at a time.