Chastity Office #1

I will:

Laugh at myself

Believe that I will get better

Trust God

Serve others

Have a positive attitude

Smile

Forgive myself

Pray

Read spiritual literature

Exercise

Forgive others

Manage my money

Relax

Do nothing

Have fun

Be aware of my food

Be conscious of my sexual choices

Announce limits

Grieve losses

Set boundaries

Accept reality

Feel my feelings

Meet my needs

Be self-restrained

Enjoy my choices

Share with others

Persevere

Connect

Practice self-discipline

Rejoice

Chastity Office #2

HP,

In order to stay chaste today help me to love myself today.

Specifically, help me to:

  • Stay in touch with my feelings
  • Set boundaries with those who are harmful
  • Announce limits so as not to harm myself
  • Keep myself emotionally healthy by meeting my needs for:
    • Safety
    • Love and belonging
    • Esteem of others
    • Self-esteem

To fully actualize myself, help me meet my needs for

  • Near constant Prayer
  • Self-transcendence through Service
  • Spirituality through connectedness, originally with God, then others, and finally, lastingly and constantly, with myself
  • Contentment through realization of my highest, realistically attainable goal
  • Creativity through creating beauty for the joy of it
  • Peace of mind through knowing my soul

Chastity Office #3

According to Werner Herzog's 2016 movie "Lo and Behold: Reveries of the Connected World".

“If the information that passes through the internet in one day were stored on a CD-Rom and stacked up...they would reach to Mars and back”

Mars is 57 million miles away. There are 1.3 million CD ROMs in a mile and a CD rom is 74 minutes long.

Multiply that by the 57 million miles to Mars and you have 89 quadrillion hours of internet information per day.

Divide that by the 7.4 billion people in the world and you have over 12,000 hours day of internet information per person.

The most conservative estimates are that 4% of internet traffic is porn

That means that there are 500 hours of porn per day for every person in the world each day.

That’s a lotta porn...

Chastity Office #4

Sex Addiction - Obsessive/compulsive sexual activity that negatively impacts other parts of the addicts’ life...or other people's lives. The compulsiveness can be expressed in many ways. Possibilities are through the use of masturbation, promiscuity, affairs, multiple partners, anonymous sex, sex in public places, strip clubs, lingerie parlors, prostitution, child molestation, rape, pornography, x-rated bookstores, voyeurism, exhibitionism, orgies and porn theaters...but are not limited to these.

Relationship Addiction - An expression of powerlessness in the inability to leave or stay out of self-destructive relationships. The sexual or romantic aspects of the relationship may not be highlighted. It is the clinging to stay in a current relationship or the clawing to get into a new relationship that characterizes this addiction. The solution here is 12-step recovery with an emphasis on multiple, healthy, non-sexual, intimate friendships to fill the unmet needs for family that the addict experiences.

Love addiction - An obsessive/compulsive need to satisfy the desire to feel whole or complete through using the presence of another person. When there is a feeling of “oceanic one-ness” in the beloved’s presence and a corresponding sense of doom, futility, pointlessness and despair at the prospect of never “having” the love object then love addiction is present. There may be no “relationship” in the conventional sense and there may not even be sexuality present. 12-step recovery works here, too, but the emphasis needs to be on learning how to love yourself thoroughly before you love others.

Romance Addiction - An obsessive/compulsive need to be excited by romantic, though not necessarily sexual or relational, activities. Endless series of brief relationships, inability to commit, self-destructive pursuit of the manic, fantastic and chaotic “relationships” as well as the demand that the “ideal perfect partner” be found characterize this addiction.

Intrigue - The transmission of sexual information or energy to see if the other person is available sexually. Sexual innuendo, double entendre, sexual jokes or simply bringing the topic of sex to the conversation. In its more subtle forms intrigue can be accomplished with eye contact, body language or intentional contact with someone who ‘triggers’ you.

Chastity Office #5

Objectifying - Viewing another person as the object of personal sexual gratification. Also called "body parting" or "rubbernecking".

Fantasy - The use of memories of previous sexual experiences or the use of imagination to create sexual fantasies for the stimulation of sexual arousal. It is frequently, but not always, accompanied by masturbation.

Healthy Sexuality – Most of us believe that a healthy sexuality is characterized by commitment, love and intimacy.

Intimacy - The ability to share feelings, desires, needs, thoughts, attitudes and beliefs honestly and openly with another person; with yourself; or with a Higher Power

Commitment - a willingness to stay with a partner and work through pain and problems regardless of how you may feel. There is a limit to this commitment and that is when staying with a partner is clearly detrimental to oneself spiritually.

Love - actions, words and thoughts that are characterized by gentleness, positiveness and acceptance.

Spirituality - We define this for ourselves but a temporary definition might be-actions, thoughts, attitudes and beliefs that create and sustain healthy relationships with ourselves, others and perhaps a Higher Power.

Higher Power - The belief that there is a “Power greater than oneself”-if only the power of the collective wisdom of the group, which can be helpful when you are powerless.

Celibacy Period - a time of complete abstinence from all sexual behavior including masturbation and sex with a partner. This is initially designed to determine exactly what behaviors you are addicted to.

Chastity - Celibacy accompanied by no fantasizing, objectifying, intriguing, or any other activity which would arouse one’s own or another’s lust.

Chastity Office #6

While most people come on this site for sex addiction recovery, the truth is that “Addiction is the disease that migrates”.

So, we are prepared for 22 addictions…for however your particular constellation of addictions may appear:

The Four “Basic Food” groups:

  1. Drinking
  2. Drugs
  3. Smoking
  4. Caffeine

The Seven Types of SLRR (Sex, Love, Romance and Relationship)

  1. Masturbation or Affairs
  2. Love
  3. Romance
  4. Relationship
  5. Al-anon
  6. Anon-anonism
  7. Sexaholism

The Four types of Money Recoveries

  1. Debt
  2. Workaholism
  3. Underearning
  4. Gambling

The Four Types of Self-Relationships

  1. ACA
  2. Codependency
  3. Victimhood
  4. Narcissism

The most abstruse recovery

  1. Artistic preoccupations

The most recent discovery

  1. Media addiction

The most obvious, but yet denial ridden, recovery

  1. Fat

Chastity Office #7

Objectification is the single most hinderance to a sex addict’s Chastity.

It is aided and abetted by the fact that every woman is trying, through picking “cute” clothes, manicures, pedicures, mascara, lipstick, foundation, blush, eyeliner and sexy shoes to be attractive as humanly possible. (If you don’t think this is true…try to get your wife out the door when she is putting on her make-up).

But, this is our problem…not theirs.

The prayer “Sister, May no harm come to you from me”, if applied frequently enough, will neutralize anything Dior, L’Oreal or Chanel can throw our way.

The purity and freedom of chastity is worth it.

Chastity Office #8

“About 40 million Americans visit porn websites on a regular basis”

“The number of people in the United States living with sex addiction is currently estimated at 12–30 million.”

“Approximately 5% of people successfully recover from their sex addiction.”

These statistics indicate that, on average, if you visit porn sites regularly, you have a better than 50% chance of becoming a sex addict.

But, the really scary number is that you only have a 1 in 20 chance of recovering.

The next time you say to yourself, “I’ve already been to two 15 minute meetings today”…think about that number. 

Chastity Office #9

Religion’s descriptions of Chastity:

I have found the "Pearl of great price"

I have found the "Kingdom of God"

I have found the "Kingdom of heaven"

I have found "Eternal life"

I am no longer a "House divided"

I am no longer a "Kingdom divided"

I am no longer "Serving two masters"

"Free at last, free at last...Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!"

Chastity Office #10

Fantasy is as instantaneous as objectification, but is more pernicious.

Why? Because every thought, image, feeling or memory of any female you have encountered is stored in your brain and can come to consciousness, unbidden, at any moment.

This is particularly tricky, because it appears, sequentially,  as though it was in the natural course of the human thought process.

Recent, conservative estimates are that men think about sex 19 times a day.

So, there you go. The “Sister, May no harm come you you from me” prayer has to be pulled out 19 times a day…and that’s just for Fantasy.

Chastity Office #11

(Excerpts from Think And Grow Rich, the most famous book on money in the English language)

The men of greatest achievement are men with highly developed sex natures; men who have learned the art of sex transmutation.

Sex energy is the creative energy of all genius.

The road to genius consists of the development, control, and use of sex, love, and romance.

The factor of personality known as "personal magnetism" is nothing more nor less than sex energy. Highly sexed people always have a plentiful supply of magnetism.

When (sex is) harnessed, and redirected along other lines, this motivating force maintains all of its attributes of keenness of imagination, courage, etc., which may be used as powerful creative forces in literature, art, or in any other profession or calling, including, of course, the accumulation of riches.

Highly sexed successful men: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Napoleon Bonaparte

Chastity Office #12

Objectification, Intrigue and Fantasy are not your will for me.

Masturbation and affairs are never your will for me.

Sex, love, romance and relationship are not your will for me…today.

Your will for me, today, is to be happy, joyous and free.

Objectification, Intrigue, Fantasy, Masturbation and Affairs always make me suffer.

Sex, love, romance and relationship, if it is your will, and if I do it your way, are just fine.

But calling addicts, going to meetings and writing literature makes me happy, joyous and free…always, everyday.

Chastity Office #13

While objectification is more ubiquitous, intrigue is far more potent in throwing a sex addict out of equilibrium.

Why? Because a woman is making a direct, conscious effort to connect in a non-Platonic way.

When an addict is sober, healthy and free this is perfectly acceptable as “flirting”.

But an addict has to make instant judgments:

Am I sober and not committed to someone else, is obviously first.

But, then:

Is this woman involved with someone else?

Is this person a match? (Believe me, you will not be hit on by somebody way out of your league), so you have to decide, if they are right for you…otherwise, you are using them (I learned this through bitter, hateful, furious experience).

Is this the right time for me? You may be involved in school, a work project, raising children or an athletic or artistic project.

Lastly, the simple, mundane question: Am I attracted to this person?

Fortunately, this does not happen often…unless you are Tom Cruise.

Still, a day count is the best way to stay honest.

Ask yourself “Why am I not announcing my day count?

Chastity Office #14

Flirting is middle circle.

That’s where I present myself as funny, cute, adorable, sexy, brilliant and entertaining to a female.

I am saying “ Pick me!”, “I am the one you should have sex with”.

You gotta do it, and do it well, if you want to successfully have sex with a female. 

But, there is nothing chaste about that…nothing.

Chastity Office #15

The Big Book refers to a state of “Neutrality“.

“We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.”

Is that possible for sex addicts? Yes, it is.

What would you give for that kind of freedom?

What if it cost you some Chastity time? What if it cost you a lot of Chastity time?

Would that kind of freedom be worth it, to you?

Chastity Office #16

Sex is not a need. It is an instinct.

Eating is a need.

If I surrender all sex, love, romance and relationship, just for a day, it’s amazing how simple my real needs become.

Essentially I need to feel loved and like I belong and also I need to feel esteemed by others to be happy.

That’s pretty much it…but I don’t know that until I surrender all sex…first

Chastity Office #17

Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy 

“God asks only that we try as best we know how to make progress in the building of character.”
AA 12&12 Step Six, p.65

In 34 1/2 years of sex addiction recovery I’ve never fully understood how this applied to sex addiction.

Now I do… 

The acting out behaviors, the compulsions: Masturbation, affairs, pornography, etc, have to fully stop.

They are actions…

But intrigue, objectification and fantasy are mental processes. It is the “character” of my mind that creates these things.

Actually, intrigue involves speaking.

Objectification, involves looking.

Only Fantasy is purely mental, so that is a good place to finish up my building character.

Intrigue is the most egregious of the three potentials for “character building”, because I’m talking trash. I’m lying to some woman.

Objectification, is in the middle. It needs to be dealt with next.

But finally, Fantasy, where no one can hear it and no one can see it, but me, is where I need to shut the door on disease.

That’s where I need finesse in my character building… One day, three hours at a time.

Chastity Office #18

Early in my life, I really wanted to be with a woman.

Actually, I really didn’t want to be with myself.

But the real reason that I didn’t want to be with myself was that I was not in touch with my soul.

Without being in touch with my soul there is, as AA says “A God-sized hole” in me, with the wind just rushing in and out.

But, to find my soul I had to give up my obsessions, the most obvious obsession being, wanting to be with a woman.

Chastity, for me, leads me to my soul.

Chastity Office #19

“We were reborn”
Big Book p63

What if you could start your life all over again…knowing what you know now?

AA says you can. It promises that to alcoholics who stop drinking.

Don’t you think that is true of us as well?

Perhaps, even more so.

AA teaches that the three things that cause us to drink are resentments, fears and selfish sex.

But, the truth is that, in actual practice, AA is noticeably silent on the specifics of sex.

If you don’t think that is true, go into any AA meeting in the world, and start “getting honest” about your masturbation.

And yet, God promises alcoholics a life that is “reborn”.

How much more true for those of us willing to let go of all sex “for a finite period”?

It’s a nice feeling to be reborn at 68.

Chastity Office #20

How do I HALT? I remember:

Easy does it

Take it easy…Everything will work out

Just breathe, surrender your thoughts and relax

Or, as Frank Zappa used to say, “Shut up and play your guitar”…

Chastity Office #21

We used to sing a piece of liturgical doggerel when I was a kid:

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Praise Him all creatures here below.

Praise Him above ye Heavenly Host.

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

I think that’s just a verbose way of saying…”Be Grateful”.

Chastity Office #22

When I am in withdrawal I remember will feel:

  1. Washed out
  2. Like I’m gonna die
  3. Like the world is gonna end

And while I am feeling that way… try to be grateful that I am getting more sober.

Chastity Office #23

Why, you might ask all the emphasis on Chastity, since a lifetime of Chastity is clearly not our goal?

Because, even the most liberal of the Sex Addiction 12 Step Groups, Sex and love Addicts Anonymous states, “You need to go through withdrawal in order to become a whole person.”

We believe that a healthy man can do without any genital contact, with himself or others, for a minimum of 60 days.

Chastity Office #24

Even if you are not masturbating, using porn or cheating on your wife.

Even if you are perfectly celibate.

Even if objectification, fantasy and intrigue are pretty much at absolute zero in your life…

There is still sexual desire…

The AA 12x12 says:
“It is nowhere evident, at least in this life, that our Creator expects us fully to eliminate our instinctual drives.  So far as we know, it is nowhere on the record that God has completely removed from any human being all his natural drives.”

So that natural drive is going to stay…

How do we keep it from turning from desire to obsession?

Gandhi has some thoughts:

“I found that complete control of the palate made the observance of the vow of chastity very easy.”

“Fasting is as necessary as selection and restriction in diet.”

SLAA has a positive suggestion:
“Some of us took up jogging, or other exercises that required greater physical effort. These helped to provide a physical sensation of tiredness which could fill the void left by the absence of sexual release, or even replace it.”

So, complete control of my food and greater physical exercise.

Yeah, I can do that …

Chastity Office #25

I heard something I’ve never heard in AA tonight:

“I need my Higher Power to be as “ Cunning, baffling and powerful” as my disease.”

That’s right…I usually think of God as positive, gentle, accepting, even humorous, strong,  honest, compassionate, forgiving and patient.

But, I need a God that can get down and do battle in the trenches, when hand-to-hand combat is needed. 

 “Cunning, baffling and powerful” …yeah, that’ll work.

Chastity Office #26

What can I do to make Chastity more comfortable? 

Exercise very hard, Super clean food, Play the guitar 

On top of the normal 12 step stuff: meetings, sponsorship, Step work, reading literature, prayer and meditation.

Chastity Office #27

“Religion without sacrifice means nothing”
Gandhi

Surrendering a broken relationship to God is one thing.

But, how about surrendering the possibility of a healthy relationship with an emotionally available, spiritual developed, physically-fit woman?

Would you surrender that possibility for the gifts of Chastity?

What gifts does a healthy relationship bring?

Someone to love

Someone to love you

Someone to share your life with

Sex

Shared wealth

Someone to cuddle with

Someone to share meals with

Someone to share holidays with

On the other hand, these are gifts of Chastity:

Efficient perceptions of reality

Comfortable acceptance of self and others

Spontaneity

Task centering

Autonomy

Continued freshness of appreciation

Fellowship with humanity

Profound interpersonal relationships

Comfort with solitude

Non-hostile sense of humor

Peak experiences

Clarity , intuition, personal power in relationships, resilience and visions…

On the other hand a relationship can bring you children…that’s pretty darn hard to top.

On the other hand Celibacy Promises:

We will be more available to our children

We will be more present and productive at work.

We will become stronger and more supple.

Our financial situations will clear up.

Our artistic and “spiritual” aspirations will be realized.

Self-draining sexual/romantic relationships will suddenly wither and die

We will have more clarity, intuition and personal power.

We will have more fun.

We will finally...relax

Socrates said “ Let a man choose marriage or Chastity…he will be sure to repent”. I never get tired of laughing at that.

Both choices have gifts. Both have costs.

With periods of finite Chastity…you can have both.

Chastity Office #28

What if you woke up one morning on a different planet?

What if you woke up to a world where one out of four men cheat on their wives and 92% of men masturbate.

What if you woke up to a world where young women were being held hostage with narcotics, to perform sexual acts on pornographic video, controlled by small-time organized crime, known for their use of extortion, physical beatings and murder?

What if you woke up to a world, where in your country, 33,000 women and children were being sold as sex slaves for a profit each year?

If that were real and true (as it currently is in the US) I might think or begin to believe that, just maybe, the way we were utilizing sex might be a little off kilter?

Maybe it’s time to rethink what sex is used for.

Here is a quote from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

“But, the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic.

It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But, the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process I had the curious feeling that my sexually obsessive condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be.”

What am I doing that is wrong sexually?