♣Step 1 - on Caffeine/Food
...Admitted we were powerless - that our lives had become unmanageable
1. How many times and in how many ways have I tried to stop or control my caffeine addiction?
Eating tons of caffeinated sugar-free energy bars.
Eating raw organic sugar-free desserts with cacao in them…for 15 years I did not know that these desserts also had a shot of espresso in them. Did this 5 times a week, for ten years driving 30 minutes each way to the raw foods restaurant.
Drinking ice cold southern Lipton tea...like my Mama did.
Drinking liters and liters of Diet Coke daily.
Switching to Green tea.
Using only $500/pound White tea.
Using just espresso.
2. How have I been dishonest with others and myself and how have I tried to hide these behaviors?
Been dishonest that Yerba Matte was not caffeine.
Honestly not seeing the connection drinking caffeine between eating and when I did, I just went into euphoric recall and couldn’t “remember with sufficient force” to stop myself.
Thinking that I could drink caffeine only with good friends on special holidays.
3. How have I tried to justify, rationalize or explain my behaviors to others and myself?
When I asked my father at age 12 if coffee was bad for you he said “Not as bad as other things”.
My 100 year old virgin Catholic monk sponsor, when he was dying asked for coffee...so I rationalized that it was okay for me, too.
I made a deal with myself: If I don’t act out sexually...I will reward myself with caffeinated desserts.
How has my coffee affected the following aspects of my life?
. 1) My feelings?
Numbed my feelings. Got me feeling excited for 45 minutes and then I felt wretched for 11 hours
. 2) My physical/mental health?
After coffee, I eat too much to come down from the high then:
My fingernails are yellowing and look corpse-like.
My arm is getting deep red age spots.
Hard to breathe-more like heaving.
My right shoulder is killing me.
Left side of my neck hurts.
Knees and back hurt.
Stiff all over.
My belly is extended.
I am sweating.
Clothes don’t fit.
Body stinks.
My heart hurts some.
My skin feels like it’s exploding from the inside.
I feel like I slightly want to pass out.
I feel stuffed.
Slightly congested.
Feces and gas smells really bad.
I feel listless.
My hands feel too stiff to play guitar.
Very slight headache, not much.
. 3) My spirituality?
I didn’t believe God would have anything to do with something as simple and small as my coffee addiction.
. 4) My relationship with myself (integrity, self-respect and self-esteem)?
When I am high on coffee I don’t care about developing my relationship with myself...I just want to be high.
. 5) My relationships with family and friends?
I notice that my character defect of narcissism magnifies when I am high on coffee.
. 6) My finances/career/education?
Four Starbucks double lattes a day is about $16/day or $477/month.
I am much more inclined to work on my career or education if I am not high...on anything.
♣Step 1.1 on Caffeine/Food
What if I could be a winner...by admitting I was a loser?
The most beautiful sentence in the English language is said to be “God is love”.
I find the following sentence more beautiful and more personal:
“ God, please help me stop doing _____.”
Why?
Because it takes me out of the Bible, the Koran, the Pentateuch, the Bhagavad Gita, the Big Book and the 12 X 12 , all of which are postcards of where God has truly been...and places me, gently, humbly...right where the Living God is truly.
It doesn’t get any better, in my experience, than being in God’s presence. That is unspeakably indescribable...yet, it is open to anyone.
It requires something though...it requires self-honesty and God-humility.
Those are tough qualities to come by, as an addict.
We are a rebellious lot, sadly stemming from our childhood experiences, and the very tools by which we survived: doing the impossible, never stopping, never giving up, trying to get everyone to like us, or the other extreme not caring whether anyone did, ignoring or burying or feelings, never asking for help or never standing up for ourselves...all these things defeat me when I need God the most.
I am hard headed. No one can tell me what to do. In that sense I am simply retarded in my emotional growth. I am an arrested adolescent.
It is going to be really hard for me to have a contrite heart if I am like that.
Painfully, but fortunately, there is a solution to this...Hitting bottom
It can be a divorce, a custody battle loss, an arrest, a life threatening illness, being fired...or it can be, for some, simply, “ Being sick and tired of being sick and tired “.
Here is a simple internet definition “Those who have a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment.’
But I only get that way when I say “ I am a loser “.
Oh!!! That is so painful. Especially for men, and especially for Americans who, since 1945, have dominated the world.
Listen to those words “I am a loser”and see how they grate at your very soul, because that is what is at stake here...your very soul.
“ God, please help me stop doing _____.”
Because when I try to stop, I fail and fail and fail...and I won’t ask for help.
This posture may work for Superman, Mighty Mouse, Popeye, Zorro and John Wayne, Tom Cruise, Clint Eastwood and Sylvester Stallone characters.
But, if I am too proud to ask for help from any other human on earth, maybe I can ask God for help
“ God, please help me stop doing _____.”
♣Step 2 - On Caffeine/Food
...Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
What do I hope my life would look like if I were restored to sanity around?
. 1) My feelings?
I like the not being crazed for food from caffeine.
. 2) My physical health/mental health?
Body stops stinking.
Back, shoulder, neck, and knees hurt less.
Breathing better.
Skin getting smoother.
My headache is diminished.
Nails look way better.
Conformation improves.
Occasional blips of hope and peace
Sense of smell returns slightly...after having green drinks, instead of coffee
No desire for meat or dairy.
Painful constipation from meat is over.
The numb, tingly fingers are gone.
Leg, chest and abdominal (Cobra) muscles begin to bulge.
New jeans fit.
I become slightly interested in fashion.
. 3) My spirituality?
I like the feeling of health from cardio, which I do when I am not high.
Cardio was my first outreach for spirituality when I was 8 years old and began to run.
. 4) My relationship with myself (integrity, self-respect and self-esteem)?
I like the not being fat from meat or dairy.
I like the anti-inflammatory of live greens.
. 5) My relationships with family and friends?
I am in the middle when I am not high on caffeine: not narcissistic...not codependent
. 6) My finances/career/education?
Save $477/month from Starbucks
I love to read (education) and I love to play the guitar (career)...when I am calm, from the absence of caffeine
♣Step 2.1 - on Caffeine/Food
Honestly admitting that I am powerless over food and doing what I have to do to not overeat and get fat...I then practice the principle of hope for some things in my life:
First, with God’s power I want to stay thin:
Staying at 128.8 pounds every day is important to me.
It keeps away the compulsion to eat too much.
It keeps away the obsession to lose weight.
My mind becomes free.
What I notice is that I more often than I’d like, I feel weak at 128.8 but in truth, I am acting strongly...So, strength sometimes feels like weakness.
Work out with cardio every other day running and then biking five days a week:
This gives me physical courage and strength. And, it gives my heart the pump I need to feel serene emotionally.
Eight sets of 40 push-ups every day five days a week:
This gives me the conformation that I look for in myself and know that I am capable of.
Eating mostly living foods from our garden:
There is something ameliorative about freshly harvested greens which is very youth giving...and at 66 I appreciate that a lot.
Reading books:
I love how my mind can not only be detached from my own problems but also,in reading, I get to spend my time with some of the greatest minds that have ever lived...and that is very pleasant for me.
Praying all the time:
...nothing satisfies me like this. Clearing my mind of it’s “pain and problems” so that I am able to reach my soul, and that is where peace of mind is...and only there.
Playing music with my friends:
My need for creativity is met here and it’s fun.
♣Step 2.2 on Caffeine/Food...practicing the principle of hope
I don’t want to fall backwards and get stuck ridiculously close to curing addiction and fail. That would be nearing unbearable. I want to move on forward and find out what happens...no matter what.
I hope to maintain my 128.8 pound daily body weight.
I hope to maintain my no caffeine use.
I want to continue practicing humility through anonymity.
I want to enjoy avant-garde music. I have this week joined a James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake weekly book club and I am writing music using his writings as lyric/narrative content and have started writing for stand-up bass and acoustic guitar and rehearsing once a week. I have started practicing again....so fun.
I hope to maintain running five miles, or biking for 90 minutes, five days a week.
I hope to maintain my 8 sets of 40 push-ups, five days a week.
I hope to maintain having three 12 ounce “living foods” drinks every day from the garden my wife grows and drinking them within five minutes of harvesting.
I enjoy periods of finite chastity practiced with my wife for clarity and intuition...even if it is just a few days, or even just one deliberate day.
Prayer five times a day with Prayercall anchors me and keeps me going in the right direction. It is my Light to my path.
Reading Fran Lebowitz, C. S. Lewis, Ernest Becker, Gerald Durrell and George Eliot this week...for giggles.
Frequent use of breath prayer from 50 to 500 breaths to access my soul is now the peak of my spiritual life. It is at least on par, for me, with unselfish service in getting connected with the God of my understanding.
Enjoying being with my wife and son and singing together or visiting wooded areas.
♣Step 2.3 on Caffeine/Food
If it is true that 98% of addiction is mental obsession then what can I do about it...assuming all physical addictions are stopped?
Probably the best action to take for mental sobriety is to share “experience, strength and hope” with other people who want to be sober, in whatever addiction.
There is a cleansing, creative, joyful power that is the Living Spirit of God which flows through me, and is available to anyone else who is willing, that heals and makes my mind healthier than any other activity when I serve others.
The second two activities that are very mentally healing, sobering, steadying and calming are prayer and meditation.
People refer to these as though they were of equal importance, but that is not true.
To the beginner, prayer, or speaking to God, is most important.
But to the more advanced student of God meditation is more important.
Why?
Because in the beginner the many voices that are heard within: the addictive voices craving for more, hurtful expressions of family members that one may have carried for years, the voices of wayward friends giving bad or immature peer advice, or just understandably commercially motivated voices of media...all need to be stilled.
Initially this is not possible except through drowning out those old messages with repeated, solid prayer.
Eventually, the mind begins to be calmed and listening to God, or meditation, becomes more fruitful.
So prayer and meditation become, only after service, the best “treatment for the mind” as my friend’s “Church of Religious Science” used to say.
♣Step 3 - on Caffeine/Food
...Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, as I understood God.
What I am willing to do in order to be restored to sanity?
Here are three things I’m willing to stop doing, and three things I am willing start doing to realize those hopeful things in my life:
To start doing:
Work out every day on running, biking, 6 sets of push-ups/day, yoga/free weights/abs
Practice the guitar as a 9th step.
Read voraciously.
To stop doing:
Worrying
Thinking about a van to drive or land to buy
Performing
♣Step 3.1 on Caffeine/Food
There is an old joke: “Of all the things I’ve lost...I miss my mind the least.”
There is another: “I am glad I lost my mind. It used to sit on my shoulders...and just bother me.”
There is something wonderful that begins to happens when I contact God...my mind starts to be my own again.
You would think that if you gave your “life and will” to God that you might become a slave or an automaton, but actually the opposite is true.
God, unlike a child, or a demanding boss does not need your “life and will” to be okay...so He releases it back to you.
The mechanics are: I give my mind to God. He gives it back to me. I can then use my mind creatively.
Saint Augustine said it this way “Love the Lord...and do as you please”.
Contrarily, if I keep my mind to myself, and do things my way, I usually run things into the ground with personal excess, become physically addicted, and then my mind is then just a slave to obsession. So, I actually lose my mind...even though I think I am in control.
♣Step 4 - on Caffeine/Food
...Made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves.
The Big Book say on page 64 "We had to get down to causes and conditions".
Why do I use caffeine and food? To change my feelings. What caused those feelings?
If I can inventory my life and find what is the originative source of that pain I might be able to develop self-compassion.
Here is one source. Beware this is ugly:
My father was trained in Military Intelligence at the Presidio of San Francisco between 1954 and 1956.
My father was also a lifelong alcoholic.
When I was five years old I saw something that I was not supposed to see, or recognize that was very, very incriminating and would have cost my father his freedom or his life.
The next day my Father put me in a blue duffle bag, tied it, and hoisted me up between the braces below the joists in our suburban home’s basement.
The weight was too great, so he used the rope from the duffle bag and tied it over a horizontal steel beam.
He then took out a baseball bat and beat me...until he believed that I was dead.
The unspeakable horror of this action usually puts people in a temporary state of shock, to which denial is the most easily available tool to deal with this level of terror...so I have kept this to myself the last 32 years that I have known about this...but it will not wait any longer.
The feeling I feel, when I am not hyper-vigilante, is the feeling of being beat to death.
It looks similar, facially, to extreme exhaustion or advanced depression, but it is neither.
I have avoided this feeling all my life, for the last 60 years.
The God of my understanding, or rather of the God of my then “not-understanding-much-about-at-all “ healed me through various persons acting, I believe, on His behalf.
This left a lifelong fascination and interest in the healing of injury and illness, deep within me.
That fascination with healing would supersede any academic or artistic interest, or activity, which explains why my success in both of these fields, though quite extensive, disciplined and extended, were only modest.
I am so grateful for God’s healing processes and for the people who are skilled at healing.
There is something fascinating, not so much about those skills, but about a personage that would be motivated to share those skills freely...it is thrilling, really, bordering on the magical and angelic, for me.
Whatever it is, I am humbly grateful to have received those gifts, freely.
The extreme abuse impacted me, but the love and care afterwards...changed my life.
My abuse was very extreme, but most abuse is not.
There are six types of child abuse:
Physical neglect: Lack of food, shelter or clothing. Most people in the US don’t suffer from this.
Emotional Neglect: If you didn’t receive the kind of emotional information that you regularly get at PrayerCall, when you were a child, then you were emotionally neglected. Pretty much everyone in the US suffers from this.
Emotional abuse: If you were “shamed, blamed or controlled” as a child then you were emotionally abused. Patrick Carnes, the founder of sex addiction recovery, says that 96% of sex addicts were emotionally abused.
Physical abuse: beating, hitting, slapping, pushing.
Verbal abuse: the use of obscenity or profanity while expressing anger
Sexual abuse: Not just genital contact with adults, but sexualized humor, “talking trash” around children, or adults having pornography in the house are just examples of being sexualized too early in one’s life.
Patrick Carnes says that there is a 400% greater chance that someone will become a sex addict if they were abused as children.
For me, as I do a 4th step inventory of my childhood abuse, I experienced five out of six of these types of abuse.
The good news is...we have the tools to recover from all this things.
In the 7th step in the AA 12x12, p. 76, there are a couple of beautiful, aspiring lines:
“Each of us would like to live at peace with himself and his fellows.
We would like to be assured that the Grace of God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.”
After my worst beating from my father I felt...rather dead.
Very specialized treatment was necessary to engender life to come back into me.
I absolutely must feel that feeling of being “dead” after that beating, which I never let myself feel, so that I can finally let it go...and I have been doing that recently.
But now, after the grieving, comes the choice, to focus on the beating...or to focus on the “angels” that God sent to heal me.
God healed me. I can now look at his “angels” and be grateful and amazed...or I can dwell on my father’s treachery and feel dazed and confused.
If it is true what the Big Book p.63 says “We were reborn”, unlike when I was originally born, I will have to take some responsibility in this new me.
I have changed all the bad stuff about me that I didn’t want everybody to know about…(Though I’m sure they already did know about it all).
Now I want to be accepting and funny.
That is a good posture for an old man…
Though I’m not old...damn it!
♣Step 5 - on Caffeine/Food
I shared my Fourth Step on the PrayerCall Meeting on September 3, 2020 which constitutes my Fifth step
♣Step 6 and 7 - on Caffeine/Food ...Character Defect of Worrying
I am entirely ready to have God remove my defects of character of worrying about the fight with my landlord over our garden and our tenancy.
I humbly ask You to remove this shortcoming.
I have been praying this prayer multiple times throughout each day: “I ask you to remove my defect of character of worrying”.
When Sigmund Freud found out that he was dying from mouth cancer from smoking 20 cigars a day he spent his last year and a half studying anxiety.
Here is mine, currently:
Step 6- I am entirely ready to have you remove my character defect of worrying that my land lord is going to win and throw my me and my family out of my home of 17 years.
Step 7- I humbly ask God to remove this shortcoming of worrying.
I prayed this for half an hour today, incessantly, with really not much relief.
So, I started praying something I know to be a doozy of a prayer to relieve anxiousness: “In Brahmacharya lies the protection of the body, mind and the soul”.
Step Seven does not, I remembered, work like the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny or Santa Claus...I have to do my part.
And so, my willingness to accept intentional chosen chastity really helped feel considerably safer.
But, the anxiousness did not go away completely, until I practiced humility and asking for help...by going to see my lawyer.
Humility (asking for help) does not come naturally for me.
Historically, I have liked to conquer my problems and then boast about how facile, clever and resourceful I am while drinking beer and exaggerating the truth...in a word, lying.
Stopping drinking cut down on my lying considerably, but I still didn’t understand the mechanics of humility.
I really learned about humility in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics).
That was where I learned to feel, and to talk about what was really going on with me...and to trust.
But, most importantly it’s where I learned to reach out for help.
It was scary...and I was really convinced at the time that reaching out for help wasn’t very manly.
I never saw the military men I grew up with as a child do it, even once.
My parents certainly never asked for help...
Hell, even my childhood hero Jimi Hendrix never asked for help.
But I did it anyway.
Thirty-two years later I know how to reach out for help...to my attorney at this particular time.
I was so appreciative that I wrote my lawyer this little ditty about our enterprise:
“You make me weep
You make me moan
Now you want to throw me out of
my happy home
But someday Mr. Landlord
You ain’t gonna worry my life anymore”.
And sure enough...my “Worried blues” went away.
Thanks to the guys and girls who modeled humility for me 32 years ago...really, thanks.
♣Step 6.1 and 7.1 - on Caffeine/Food
In the Light Hearted Offices on the ActWithCourage website there is an expression by Confucius:
“Walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.”
I worked with someone recently and I saw something:
When people treated this person like a prince and let them get away with things they felt like they were “getting over” on someone and that this was the way life was really supposed to be, for them.
On the other hand: When people held this person accountable, that they, too, had to follow the rules, they felt like they were being “punished”.
It was a pretty deft insight on my part, I thought, and I was feeling pretty darned good about myself as a temporary sponsor, but...
What I could not see, at that moment, was that I was exactly the same way.
Within 48 hours I had a conflict with someone and I could see where I was trying to “get over”, but that I was being held accountable and had to follow the rules.
I could see myself feeling hurt, inwardly pouting, and feeling like I had been treated unjustly.
God,
I am entirely ready to have you remove my defect of character of acting like a spoiled brat and I humbly ask you to remove this shortcoming…in me.
♣Step 7 - on Caffeine/Food...Character defect of Narcissism
One of my dorm hall mates at the University of Virginia, from New Orleans, saw my college roommate and I jamming for the first time on electric guitars. He announced to others that we were “Steve and his accompanist.”
I was better than him.
That set off a 50 year rivalry between two narcissistic, privileged, pot-headed, Marlboro smoking, white males who wanted to be the next Hendrix and Duane Allman, respectively.
I was better than him.
At 12 years old I moved from a lifetime on military bases to a very rural school district when my father retired from the Army.
There were 600 people from 6 to 12th grade in one building.
It was extremely bucolic, except for one boy.
He had a completely orange 1957 Chevrolet, a brand new blonde Fender Telecaster and a girlfriend with the largest breasts I had ever seen.
He was better than me.
I was at that school for six years, seven classes a day, which means I had 42 teachers.
The school hired new teachers from West Virginia, the second stupidest state in America, after Mississippi.
I was better than all of them...And they did not like it.
At 14, I heard that a 16 year old boy with a blue Thunderbird played drums. I invited I’m over and let him play my drums that Santa Claus had brought me in the eighth grade.
He sucked...
But I sold him my drums and he became my drummer.
He was the nicest guy anyone ever met...and became the biggest dope dealer that anyone ever knew.
Everyone was better than him.
At 15 years old, on a junior varsity basketball bus ride, I met the love of my life.
She was petite, feminine, warm, playful… And of course had the largest breasts that ever seen in my life.
She introduced me to the ways of love.
There was nobody better than her and since there was nobody better than me…We were a match.
When I was 13 years old I first heard Jimi Hendrix’s “ Are you experienced? “ album.
He was way better…Way, way better than me.
My parents were diehard southern racists.
They were convinced that they were better than African American people.
One day, quite by accident, I heard Aretha Franklin’s “Baby, baby sweet baby“.
I was clear, anybody who could make those kind of sounds…Was better than my parents
Living 35 miles outside of Washington DC I would often go to see the Washington monument, the Jefferson Memorial and the Lincoln Memorial.
These three guys had beautiful monuments built to them…They were clearly better than me.
The boy across the 600 acre field was good with tractors, rifles and could catch a long-passed football.
I taught him to play bass, but he had better voice than me...
So...we were better than each other
I lived on 112 acre cattle farm with a 12 room, 4 bathroom house...
But we rented in for $250/month
The owners were very clear they were better than us
From 1970-72 I earned my living by playing in a band with a 26 year old country bass player who had a voice like Englebert Humperdinck and a 55 year old jazz organist.
I was only 15...
but I was damned sure I was going to be better than both them.
♣Step 8 - on Caffeine/Food
In what ways have I hurt myself?
I have nine real, emotionally healthy, needs. The first three were discovered by Abraham Maslow in 1943:
1.Safety
2.Love and belonging
3.Esteem of others (then inculcated to self-esteem)
The next three needs were discovered by 12 step between 1939 and 1988:
4. Near constant Prayer
5. Self-transcendence through Service
6. Spirituality through connectedness, originally with God, then others, and finally, lastingly and constantly, with myself
The last three needs were contributed, anonymously, in 2017:
7. Contentment through realization of my highest, realistically attainable goal
8. Creativity through creating beauty for the joy of it
9. Peace of mind through knowing my soul
I hurt myself, very deeply, by failing to get my need for contentment met through playing and writing music.
I kept trying to get my need for contentment met outside of me and then when I failed I would use food to comfort me...which made me fat.
I failed in every way conceivable, in every style, on every instrument, in every state, from 17 years old to 33 years old to achieve a humane living writing or performing music.
It wasn’t that God did not want me to play or write music. It was that He did not want my need for contentment (my 7th healthy need) to be met through writing or playing music.
He wanted me to be content in this life with my accomplishments in recovery...
Then, if I wanted to play and write, to meet the need for creativity (my 8th healthy need) all I wanted.
I didn’t get this distinction at 17 years old....neither did my parents.
There were awful, wretched screaming matches about this issue, that neither my parents or I fully understood.
In fairness, no one at the time fully understood the subtlety of these needs.
Now, having eradicated all addiction within me, I want to re-invent myself, musically, by approaching the guitar as a ninth step amends to myself for the harm I have done myself.
♣Step 9 - On Caffeine/Food... Made direct amends for harming myself.
If I want a completely different life, then the first thing I must do is live with more prayer.
Total freedom from addiction, tons of prayer, tons of exercise, tons of living foods, tons of reading.
I want to embrace anonymity as a form of genuine humility.
I want to remember that If I lose my food abstinence, I lose the possibility of eradicating all the addictions…and the high self-esteem that comes from healing from it all.
I want to remember that if I maintain my food abstinence that all my addictions will be addressed…and that will be a splendid climax to a life of 40 years of self-love.
I just want to get completely free of any addiction…at any cost.
I am content. I got away from my old life...even “old school” recovery.
The principle behind Step Eight is Brotherly Love. The principle behind Step Nine is Discipline.
So, I need to practice brotherly love…in a disciplined way.
I have been a professional singer since I was 13 years old.
I never was a genius, gifted or even talented...simply competent.
But, for fun, I like to sing blues and I wail on the acoustic guitar pretty good...it’s really fun.
If there ever was any art in my music it was from the guitar playing...but my singing would sink any aspiration to greatness, to an immediate bitter disappointment...in any potential supporter.
Therefore...singing is where the fun is.
How to Unfuck my mind around playing the guitar...so I can use the guitar to help make amends to myself for hurting myself with food:
- Don’t measure yourself against the greatest guitar genius in history
- Don’t measure yourself against the greatest composer in history
- Don’t perform
- Don’t record
- Don’t write
- Don’t involve other people
- Don’t keep track of your time
- Don’t make money
As John Cage would say “Our ears are now in excellent shape”.
♣Step 9.1 - on Caffeine/Food
...Made direct amends to myself for harming myself
Freedom from addiction is the most important thing in life, for me.
I am making amends to myself for the harm I have cause myself struggling to stay not fat the last three years. I have been very successful, but it was a mighty battle as I turned 62 and my body began to change and I had to invent the tools that would be successful, for me.
The last 32 years of the 40 years that it took me to recover I have put meetings, sponsorship, being sponsored, reading spiritual literature, program calls, step work and writing literature first...after surrendering alcohol, sex and food.
14 hours of Step Nine Actions I took this week:
Business:
Let go of audio engineering...sold all my gear
Set up a new video studio and ran tests for Video formatting
Singing:
Singing...for fun and for health. It makes me feel better afterwards.
As for practicing personal humility: working on long and short vowels over scales and arpeggios three times.
Also practiced Abdominal breathing
and Opening my mouth wide...the most basic of techniques.
Chanted long syllables as prayer
Sang Gospel songs and felt the God’s presence
Also after relearning old country love songs I taught to my wife when we met three years ago, I have sung them eight times, for a half an hour...six times with my wife.
Sang old black American Blues
On Guitar:
Play guitar as a way to be by myself and enjoy my own company.
Practice bends and vibrato...my favorite technique.
For Others:
Taught Cake (my wife) melody of Dream and Amazing Grace.
Wrote Cake new arrangements of The Star Spangled Banner.
I composed a new Requiem for two and a half hours for a friend of mine who died two weeks ago.
I also rehearsed three people, for 15 minutes each, on the performance of the Requiem.
Spent 30 minutes arranging a performance for the new Requiem.
The Acoustic Music Nine Commandments
Thou shalt not start a band
Thou shalt not teach a bass player
Thou shalt not get a drummer
Thou shalt not get a PA
Thou shalt not get a car
Thou shalt not get gigs
Thou shalt not dress
Thou shalt not go to bars
Thou shalt not get other readers to perform
9th Step Prayer
HP,
I will never be a genius, gifted or talented singer.
Help me to sing humbly for the health of singing, as a Seventh Step.
Help me to sing joyously for the fun of it...as a Ninth Step.
I will never be a genius or a gifted guitarist, but honestly, you have given me, as Steinbeck was so fiercely described, “real but, limited talent”...
Help me use it today...for health and love.
♣Step 9.2 Caffeine/Food ...Letting go of my daughter.
Holding onto to her is only causing me pain.
I have been waiting for 3 1/2 years for her to change her mind and reconnect...That is enough.
I have been waiting for 13 years, after she left home, for she and I to have a once a month lunch or coffee relationship and we what we actually had for 10 years was a three-times-a-year relationship (Birthdays and either Christmas or Thanksgiving).
I have a much better connection with my wife and my son: all day and all night, every day.
My relationship with music was not as important to me as my relationship with my daughter for 32 years...but now it gets to move up a notch.
I am willing to make a deal with myself: If I let go my waiting on my daughter to return to our relationship, which only causes me pain, and in fact, does not happen, I will give myself anything I want.
...I am willing to let me live however I want to (of course not going back into any of my addictions)
What I would really like to do, for me, is to write avant-garde music as I used to do before recovery and fatherhood.
Yep...that’s the deal.
♣Step 10 - On Caffeine/Food...
Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
I stopped drinking alcohol and I stopped feeling incredibly hungover the next day. At the time I felt like a spiritual icon and believed that AA should build a statue to me for my superior sacrifice.
After six years of not drinking I relapsed over a woman and afterwards I decided to quit shucking, jiving and half-assing my recovery and I gave up the prescription drugs my doctor was giving me that I was using that kept me doped up, downed out and completely oblivious of my feelings.
I also quit smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. Fresh air got to be so important that 15 years later I finally moved from Atlanta GA, where I had lived for 25 years, and which is the second most polluted city In the US, after LA...so that I could breathe fresh air. My apologies to folks from Atlanta and LA.
Also, initially as I was cleaning up my act I wanted to give up coffee as it made me a crazy, nervous, narcissist wreck that nobody wanted to be around.
These four basic food groups: alcohol, drugs, tobacco and caffeine were the things I wanted to be free of to live my life well and happy, and with the exception of a terrible coffee relapse every four or five years...I have had a remarkably healthy life for the last 32 years.
But these four things would lead me to two more issues that were much more powerfully impactful in my life.
As I inventory my life, sex and food would be much more deeply rooted in disease, for me.
I just couldn’t get enough sex, love, romance and relationship and I couldn’t stop masturbating. It took a couple of years of really hard work to stop that stuff, but I have never once woken up and regretted giving up masturbation.
Only about three people in this fellowship talk about food, but, for me, I really hated being fat. It destroyed my self-esteem, I felt sluggish and torpid all the time and it ruined my sexual attractedness....so I lost 60 pounds and I have kept it off for over 30 years.
These six things: alcohol, drugs, tobacco, caffeine, sex and food were things I was using that kept me away from me. I did not want to be with me and the reason was that I was abused as a child and, tragically and erroneously...I blamed myself. The terrifically sad part of that is that if I stay away from me...I lose my soul.
So, as I continue to take personal inventory I am very much in touch with my soul, which, for me, is the goal of life.
There were, along the way, some other things that needed looking at in my life:
Unbelievable issues originating in growing up with alcoholics that caused me to be controlling, a people pleaser and a doormat.
There was the attitudinal addiction to viewing life as a victim, stemming from childhood sexual abuse trauma.
Codependency, and it’s equally self-destructive, but opposite reaction to bad or unlearned boundaries - Narcissism.
Also I had a lot of money issues : workaholism, debting, underearning and gambling-through day-trading
And finally artistic and mystical preoccupations: which just means I spent my conscious life trying to become a stupendously famous artist, and then, I also tried putting my religion in front of my recovery...and you can just imagine how that turned out.
As I continue to take personal inventory I am humbly grateful that I am free of all these things and have the opportunity to be in touch with my soul through the freedom I receive from being in community with each of you every day.
♣Step 10.1 - On Caffeine/Food
I am powerless over caffeine...because after a few days of caffeine I can no longer control my food.
If I cannot control my food I feel unhealthy and start to look old and beat up.
If I start to feel bad and look old I become ready to stop using caffeine.
But when try to stop...I cannot stop.
If I cannot stop I reach for God through the 12 steps.
Then I stop...with God’s Power.
If I stop, I feel good and look young and fit.
So, it is God’s power that let’s me feel healthy and look young and fit again.
So, is it God’s will to feel healthy and look young and fit?...Obviously.
Most practically, most simply, most clearly and most desperately-needed-in-wisdom is the truth about this next postulated belief , “Is it therefore not God’s will to use caffeine...for me?
Psalm 32:9 says “Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding”.
To not see the answer to this question...is simply being a mule.
♣Step 10.2 - On Caffeine/Food
I like to eat. I like to get high from the drug caffeine.
If I do those things the following things will happen:
Acrid burning of vomit in my windpipe
Night sweats
Slight headache
Blurry
Numb
Nausea
Heart aches
Short of breath
Breathing shallow
Eyes swelled
Belly distends
Bronchia raw
Nasal passages raw
Throat sore
Clothes don’t fit
Deadly serious
But...I am willing to make myself a deal to not harm myself, if I don’t do either one today I can:
Read a book, specifically George Eliot’s Felix Holt, The Radical
Play the guitar and sing
Listen to music
Watch a movie with my wife
Take a nap
Do written step work
Write prayers
Take calls from PrayerCall people
Do yoga
Do breath prayer
♣Step 11 - On Caffeine/Food
“We usually conclude with a prayer. We are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped.”
p.87 Big Book
Okay God, I don’t want to appear selfish or vengeful and I don’t want to malign your intentions or twist your purposes but...
I pray to ask You to help me beat my landlord senseless in court on the 29th of this month.
...so that it will help my wife and son.
Just sayin’...
Step 11.0.1
Dear God,
What I would really like is for you to take away all my feelings that I don’t like:
Neediness
Sadness
Hurt
Loneliness
Anger
Fear
Despair
Doubt
Confusion
Uncertainty
Anxiousness
And just fill me full of the feelings of:
Safety
Joy
Fulfillment
Contentment
Satisfaction
Happiness
Love
Closeness
Warmth
Intimacy
Acceptance
But, that’s what beer used to do for me...and I feel fairly certain you will not let me use you like that.
♣Step 11.0.2
God,
I am so grateful to have beaten this food thing that had beaten me for years and years.
I have been thin for many years, but I haven’t been rock-hard stable at precisely one weight until I learned a completely new way to eat.
I am so grateful to be free of this struggle so that I can think about something else. Anything...even reading Finnegans Wake!
♣Step 11.0.3
“Mind is the principal thing”
Gandhi
Having rid my body of all addictive substances or behaviors, just for today, I am left with my mind.
My addictive mind naturally goes to being fearful and negative.
It is up to me to change that, one thought at a time, to create peace within me.
Only I can give myself peace and I can only find that through accessing my soul.
If it is to be...it’s up to me.
♣Step 11.0.4
HP,
Thank you for the freedom from alcohol, masturbation and fat.
Those things were killing my body and cutting off my soul.
I absolutely could not stop doing any of those three things, but You could ...and You did.
And I am humbly grateful.
♣Step 11.0.5
Two old musicians promise each other that, whoever dies first, the first will come back and let the other know what heaven is like.
Sure enough one dies and comes back the next day:
“Well? Is there music in heaven?” Asks the first old guy.
“Well there’s good news and bad news:
The good news is heaven is jammin’ with Jimi, Trane and Ludwig
Bad news is...God’s got a girlfriend who thinks she can sing.”
RIP Eddie Van Halen
October 6, 2020
♣Step 11.0.6
“All will be well with us, here and hereafter”
P. 105 AA 12x12
If heaven is harps, wings, sandals and singing in the choir, it’s going to get boring pretty quickly, according to Mark Twain.
Personally, what I have learned from hanging around the 12 step communities is that there is great peace and joy in prayer and service.
If prayer and service are not deeply and fully interesting to me, intrinsically, as something I have found I really like to do...then I ain’t gonna like heaven, anyway.
Cause it’s just harps and wings after that, and besides...all my friends will be somewhere else.
♣Step 11.0.7
Matthew 17:20–21 “God’s Kingdom is not something you can see…It is within”
“Our Father who art in heaven”
In this most famous prayer God is said to be in heaven, but heaven is within, according to the Apostle Luke...therefore God is within.
That seems like a pretty useful piece of information to have.
I mean if I need God and I know where they keep him...inside...then that saves a lot of time.
That was Saint Augustine’s problem. He kept looking for God outside himself.
He very famously said, “ I looked for you without...and could not find you, My God Within”.
Why don’t I know that? Why can’t I perceive that?
Because....Every addiction cuts me off from my soul, from the Kingdom of Heaven, from the Father.
Well that’s a slap in the face!
You mean I am doing it to myself?
Yup, whether I know it or not, I am doing it to me.
Well, if I can get past the rage of denying it, that is a pretty sad thought.
The good news is… I can start on the path back home.
The first thing to ask is “What is the most addictive thing I am doing in my life today?
It could be masturbation and pornography.
It could be eating to the point where I’m fat.
It could be being a codependent.
It could be being a religious addict.
It could be debting.
If I am honest with myself, I can find a starting point and I remember that “It’s progress rather than perfection” and “The good life is a direction…not a Destination”
Father...I am coming home.
It may take a while, but I am headed in the right direction and I am taking one small step at a time.
I am coming home...
♣Step 11.0.8
“May your Kingdom come, may your will be done...on earth as it is in heaven”
This is a prayer for God’s will to be done, specifically to have the Kingdom (which as Luke says is within) be fully realized here on earth as it is in heaven...which is within me..
So what is so good that’s inside of me that we want it on earth?
Within my heart is love, truth, compassion, courage, strength, forgiveness, patience, humor and humility.
When I practice these things, with people, I am doing God’s will because I am bringing His Kingdom to earth.
♣Step 11.0.9
HP,
When I was in 10th grade and studying Calculus the principle of limits was introduced.
Simply, if you go half the distance to a certain point, then go half that distance, and then half that distance...at a certain point you actually reach the desired goal.
I was so infuriated at the apparent illogicalness of this concept that I quit the class.
However, as a recovering addict, I am willing to rethink things...I may have been wrong.
So, let’s say, as a young alcoholic, I was wrong, God.
Okay, if I get rid of alcohol, then I get rid of drugs, then tobacco, masturbation, being fat, caffeine, debting, codependency, overworking, underearning, narcissism, victimhood, Adult Child of Alcoholics, love addiction, Al-anon, relationship addiction, Religious addiction, Sexaholism, romance addiction, mystical preoccupations, media/gaming addiction and gambling...
I mean at what point, if the mathematical concept of limits is true...am I completely free of addiction...if I kick enough addictions?
I mean I don’t want to be a charlatan, maniac, quack, screaming down the road completely naked, like Archimedes did, shrieking “Eureka, I have found it!...but it does smell like we may be sneaking up on a cure.
♣Step 11.1.0
HP,
I have done everything that I know how to do to take care of my family financially, including and especially:
“Seeking first the Kingdom of God and his Righteousness.”
I can do no more today.
I surrender my anxiousness to you and I choose to enjoy the moment...as a “shining nugget of pleasantness”.
♣Step 11.1.1
HP,
I am grateful to be running 5 miles a day and that my wife, and child (in his stroller) are joining me.
I am grateful to be abstinent in every area that I know of today...just for today
♣Step 11.1.2
The Walden Prayers
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
Henry David Thoreau
That just means when I am sober that things are so much better than they could be...when things go wrong.
"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."
Henry David Thoreau
I read this when I was 14 years old and it has comforted me for 52 years.
♣Step 11.1.3
HP,
“Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”.
Step Two
“Ultimately, the Second Step helped us define spirituality for ourselves.”
Hope and Recovery...(The primary text for SAA for many years)
Alcohol recovery is first, sex addiction recovery is second, and food addiction recovery is third for me.
But, honestly and openly, I have defined my spirituality the last 3 1/2 years through the balanced relationship of food and exercise.
I want to thank you God for letting me approach you this way.
It is a privilege to have the opportunity to be able to approach you through this part of my powerlessness.
♣Step 11.1.4
HP,
I am grateful that I never got the success I dreamed of and fought for all my life.
I am grateful for the humility of anonymity.
♣Step 11.1.5
HP,
When I stop all my addictions I have only done 2% of the work.
98% of addiction is mental obsession.
Thanks for not letting me see that too early...I would have run in the other direction.
As it is, I will pray, read and serve others through conversation.
Thanks HP
♣Step 11.1.6
HP,
Breath prayer is very Illuminative to me.
I surrender my thoughts to you, positive and negative...and that is my Third Step.
As I breathe in slowly, deeply and regularly I am “Doing your will” as indicated to me in The Courage to Heal’s admonition "Just breathe“.
As I do this over the years I notice that pretty much most of my thoughts...were just “Periodic obsessions”.
I feel sad as I feel this truth, for me.
But, I am glad I found out...
♣Step 11.1.7
HP,
As I surrender my daughter, I pick up avant-garde musical composition and playing.
I must pick up something when I surrender something...or I will pick up the first thing over and over again.
The Big Book says “ We absolutely insist on enjoying life”.
I am enjoying my life very much...which is I am sure what you want for me.
I am not dumb as “A horse or a mule”.
♣Step 11.1.8
HP,
I am being juvenile.
In the name of surrender and being obedient to your will I am waiting for instructions and I am not making decisions and taking actions.
I am being “A horse or a mule”.
If it is true that 98% of addiction is mental, then I want to stop all physical addiction...so that I can get on with the lion’s share of the work.
♣Step 11.2 on Caffeine/Food
“I see the faults in others..and I correct them in myself.”
Confucius
I do not want to be like my father’s two brothers, Don and Chuck, or my brother David.
Also, I really don’t want to go back to FA. I was respectful, but really unhappy there.
In my spiritual community, I do not want to be like:
The most enlightened priest I have ever known, Gray Temple
The most gifted monk I ever knew, Pablo Maria or
The most gifted 12 stepper I ever knew, Terri Forester.
These three people were the most spirituality gifted people I have ever known.
HP,
They were all lost to the food...Please, please, help me to help myself not to do that to myself.
Also I do not want to be like my extended family:
My most beloved relative, my maternal grandmother Maggie
My paternal grandmother Willy
My mother Margaret Anne
My Aunt Kat, Annie, Lily and Claire
My Uncle Billy
My second cousins Earnie and Margaret Virginia
who were all lost to the food.
Only my father stayed thin...but, he was bulimic.
Have mercy on me as I fight the genetics that are within in me...with your help, one day, three hours at a time.
Amen.
♣Step 11.3 On Caffeine/Food
”We tried to improve our conscious contact with God”.
“When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.
We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.”
Page 25 Alcoholics Anonymous
HP,
What does that even mean “Rocketed into the fourth dimension”?
The Fourth dimension has been understood by physicists, for the past 114 years, since Einstein...to be time.
HP, I am trying to “improve my conscious contact” through understanding...Here’s what I’ve got God, so far:
Those in AAA and PrayerCall aspire to be, as the Big Book says, “ Those in whom the problem had been solved”.
But, even if the “problem had been solved, how is that being “Rocketed to the Fourth Dimension” ?
Because...
If you drink 18 drinks per week (and I was drinking 11 per day at age 27) you lose five years of your life.
So, if you stop drinking...you are “rocketed” in the specific dimension of time...because you will get to live five years longer.
If you stop smoking, not surprisingly, you will live ten years longer.
Stopping being overweight will give you 8 more years of life.
Stopping Opioids will give you only a surprising 2.5 months...although Elvis, Hendrix , Michael Jackson and Prince might argue with that.
That’s 23.5 years of life...Hmmm
If what AAA and ActWithCourage says is true...that you really can stop all addictions, permanently, one day, three hours at a time...then we receive what the Christians call the gift of “life and life in abundance”.
HP, I am 66 years old and I am certain that I would not have lived this long if I had not surrendered to you so, for me...this is all “Rocket time”!
♣Step 12 - On Caffeine/Food...
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
Step 12 is divided into three parts:
First, I have spiritual awakening by working the steps.
Second, I share this awakening with others who need it and ask for it.
Third, I practice this spiritual awakening with myself in my life.
The first part is very simple...I gradually awaken spiritually as I work the previous eleven steps.
But, then what is revealed to me is the spiritual secret of 12 Step’s success. It is the silver bullet, the golden ticket...that service is the greatest thing I can do for others...and for myself.
People a lot smarter than me have said that serving others, humbly and unselfishly, is the greatest freedom and joy that there is in life.
As Gandhi says:
“I had made the religion of service my own, as I felt that "God" could be realized only through service.”
...and
“Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.”
...and finally
“Service is the only thing worth doing...all else is rubbish”
Also, from a purely self-life-saving perspective, Bill Wilson says:
“Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.”
Any experienced recovering addict knows that the best way to save him/herself is to help others.
I raised my 34 year old daughter by myself since she was three. At 21 when she went out into the world to seek her fortune I said, “ I am your father and I have a right to say something to you before you head out into the world...”Learn to serve and you will be happy”.
Service is the key to freedom.
But what of practicing these principles in all our affairs?
It is extremely common, in 12 Step communities, to not be able to distinguish between selfishness and “enlightened self-interest” (p. 411 Third Edition of the Big Book).
It is God’s will to be “happy, joyous and free” and the way that we do that is to be “ of maximum service to God and our fellows” but...as Al-anon would teach us in 1951, we must balance that with “self-care”.
So self-care through “enlightened self-interest” ...what does that look like?
After I stop acting out and become honest and unselfish I need to look at my needs.
What are my needs?
Physical life-air, water, exercise, food and sleep...but, even my pet has a those needs, so let’s evolve:
As a human, a soul in a body, I have a need for safety, for love and belonging, esteem of others, spirituality, contentment, creativity and peace of mind.
Physical, emotional and financial needs are talked about in the AA 12x12 in the 4th step
Physical safety means not being in danger of being physically harmed.
Emotional safety means I am able to talk about how I feel without fear of being shamed, blamed or controlled.
Financial safety means that I have enough money to create a “humane” life.
Love and belonging needs get met by belonging to a group: a 12 step group, family, religion, support group, a married.
Esteem of others: this can be a best friend, sponsor, or an organization which awards or acknowledges you.
Spirituality: being connected with God, others and yourself through your actions, words, thoughts and feelings.
Contentment: Being satisfied with who you are and what you can do in life.
Creativity: anything that is fun that you can play at...like a child.
Peace of mind: the ultimate goal reached through attaining access to my soul.
So, I practice getting my needs met in an “enlightened self-interested” way and that is how I “practice these principles in all my affairs”.
This is the beginning of another round of step work on a different addiction ...Al-anonism. Powerlessness over other peoples behavoir
Step 1 - I admit I am powerless over my obsession with other people-that my life has become unmanageable.
Powerlessness:
1. How many times and in how many ways have I tried to stop or control my obsession with my crazy landlord’s behavior?
I have tried Step 6 on worrying about it...and failed
I have tried chastity, and while it helped, it came back
I have asked for help, but my obsession roared back after meeting with my lawyer
2. How have I been dishonest with others and myself and how have I tried to hide these behaviors?
I have been dishonest by not saying how angry, abused and unsafe I feel.
3. How have I tried to justify, rationalize or explain my behaviors to others and myself?
I have wasted time trying to understand this gentleman, his drinking habits, his cultural affinities, proclivities and beliefs and his business procedures...but I could not see my own powerlessness over obsessing about someone else’s behavior.
Unmanageability:
How has my obsession affected the following aspects of my life?
. 1) My feelings?
I feel overly serious, hurt, sad, unsafe, frightened and terrorized.
. 2) My physical/mental health?
The “pain and problems” associated with this man pops into my head when I am not being eternally vigilant mentally.
. 3) My spirituality?
I have approached God through Step 6 , but that’s like using a screwdriver when I need a claw hammer, so I am pulling out bigger spiritual guns...Step One
. 4) My relationship with myself (integrity, self-respect and self-esteem)?
I have not been available to myself because of my obsession with another person’s words and actions... as a result I have let myself be distracted from being with my soul.
. 5) My relationships with family and friends?
Driven my lawyer to distraction.
Been relatively boundaried with my wife about this, though.
I have surrendered this to God so that I am emotionally available to my son.
. 6) My finances/career/education?
This challenge has actually motivated me to be even more thoughtful with finances.
The AA 12x12 says in the Second Step:
“Some will be willing to term themselves “problem drinkers,” but cannot endure the suggestion that they are in fact mentally ill.”
“Constantly dwelling on my pain and problems” if not mental illness, sure isn’t mental wellness.
My Mama was like that.
People said she was crazy, but the people that said that were crazy, too, so I didn’t know exactly who or what to believe as a boy.
But, if “Constantly dwelling on my pain and problems” is crazy...then Mama was crazy.
Mama was always, always, thinking of ways to try to stop my father from:
Drinking
Cheating on her
Leaving her
Poor old girl never got a moment’s peace 
.
She was scared and that’s what she did when she was scared...try and try to figure out a way to solve her problems.
Me, too. I do that when I’m scared...or just simply terrified in the presence of a hurtful, unreasonable person.
And, like her, I can’t stop...I am powerless and my life is unmanageable, in the sense that my “Constantly dwelling on my pain and problems” can block me from enjoying my wife and son’s company...if I let it.
Sensing that possible foolish loss, I have hope that God can restore me to sanity and then I hand over my life to Him...and I feel better.
Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
If I were actually restored to sanity, what do I hope my life would look like around:
. 1) My feelings?
I wouldn’t feel terrorized or paranoid anymore about my landlord
. 2) My physical health/mental health?
No more time preparing legal briefs...more reading and exercise
. 3) My spirituality?
I would be assured that God will do for me what I cannot do for myself
. 4) My relationship with myself (integrity, self-respect and self-esteem?
Feel safe and have fun with my energy, time and money.
. 5) My relationships with family and friends?
More fun time with them
. 6) My finances/career/education?
No more legal fees
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, as I understood God.
I make a list of at least three things to I’m willing to stop doing, and make a list of three things I am willing start doing to do my part to have my hopes realized.
Turning my thoughts over to God
Trusting God
Living Three Hours at a Time
Serving...a lot
Practice chastity
Write daily
Stay abstinent
Count Breaths
Move from Fiction to History
Stop: Looking for property or vehicles
Step 3 1/2 I Do God’s Will
Having surrendered my will to God I now try, in my imperfect way, to do God’s will:
Trust God
Easy Does It
Just breathe
One moment at a time