Useful Slogans…if you absolutely, positively must do some Chastity

These slogans might help you stay chaste today. This is an elective, not a requirement. The requirement is no masturbation and faithfulness to your partner. Chastity is purely spiritual extra credit.

"Don't be like the horse or the mule." This is from Psalm 32. It means don't be stupid. If nothing else, chastity keeps you from cheating on your wife.

"No sex except within a marriage". This is from the Sexaholic's White Book. People have very strong beliefs, pro and con about that book, but this slogan might keep you out of trouble, for a day, or even just three hours. Doesn't really matter...you're not going to get married that day, but you might stay sober.

"I surrender my right to be sexual". This is old school SLAA, which says that you have to go through "Withdrawal" to call yourself sober...Their rules.

"A vow of chastity"...just for today. From Gandhi, who had a pretty severe sexual program...but look what he did with his life.

"No sex except to create children".  If you like the AAA's adherence to the principle of "Absolute Purity"...this is the ultimate.

"I Surrender". Old school AA...just give up and rely on God.

"There are those who choose to live like Eunuchs to know the Kingdom of Heaven" Matt 19:11-12 .This is a pretty Big Promise, but that's what Jesus said...in his very least quoted line. There are many people who don't believe in an afterlife. What we believe is that each of us has a soul, just like it says in Psalm 23. We just believe you can access it, now...if you surrender enough addictions.

"Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the vow". This is Gandhi saying that if you allow yourself to feel hungry, that need will supersede your desire to be sexual. Not much of anyone of us on this site is trying to stop having sex forever, including me. But, there are times when being sexually abstinent is useful, sometimes critical, and attention to diet can help sometime increase the possibility of success.

"Acceptance is being positive". When I am being chaste it is very easy, unconsciously, to fall into self-pity. "Poor me! I can't have sex!" But, I do have control over my attitude. I can be positive about what I do have...instead of feeling sorry for myself about what I don't have.

"Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings" and "Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others" These two expressions were both written by Solomon, who many people consider the wisest man in Jewish, Muslim and Christian history. What does he mean, "Your best strength"? Think about it. Think about when you are attracted to a woman. Think about the incredible presence, flexibility, amiability, generosity and humor you display...before you have had sex with her. That's what he's talking about. That strength is given to us to attract a mate...but it can be bottled, stored up and used for very different  and varied purposes.

"When should you have sex with a woman? When you want to lose the strength you have".  Pythagorus, who we unfortunately remember for his Geometry, although much, much, more importantly he invented the musical scale that has been used for that last 2700 years...is just hammering home what Solomon said.

"A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary incontinence" Gandhi and Bill Wilson both believed that misuse of sex weakens the body and thereby make you susceptible to illness. Think about it: After you masturbate do you feel strong, vibrant, masculine and resilient, like you could take on the world? Don't be like the horse or the mule...

"Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like". This is the harshest thing Gandhi ever said. You may find it extreme. On the other hand, why is it he led hundreds of millions to freedom...and you have not? He may know something you don't understand, yet....just sayin'.

"Have mercy on me Lord, a sinner". This just helps to take a load of guilt or shame off and has the wonderful side-band of making you humble.

"Sister may no harm come to you from me". This is an extremely useful prayer, used every time you see a pretty girl and are tempted to do something that your wife would not approve of. It breaks the "bondage of self" because instead of "taking" (selfishly  and dishonestly objectifying) you are "giving". Remarkably simple and powerful.

"Cling to the Lord and cry out for mercy" This is an old religious adage, but when I am at the bottom of an acting out bottom this a a beauty of a prayer to start my ascent.

"Celibacy, Service and Laughter" For me, these are my three highest goals. They present the very best part of me to the world when I pray this in my head...and carry it out with my body.

"Chastity is happiness" There is something nice about walking through the world, which is half-populated with women, many who are beautiful and attractive...and being impervious.

"Chastity is contentment" An addict's brain is rife with an attitude of self-pity, but right beneath that is an attitude of mercilessly demanding perfectionism. There is something uniquely satisfying about surrendering all sex for a finite period...which makes the very real human need for contentment within reach.

"Chastity is peace" There's something that relieves all that longing for women who are better looking than you, who you will never have a chance with, who you have masturbated to, time after time, in a revery of fantastical sexually impossible dreams that only leave you feeling "pitifully and incomprehensibly demoralized" afterwards...and that is complete surrender. In that chaste moment...there is sexual peace. Because, finally, knowing your soul...brings peace.

End of New Prayers for August 31, 2022

 

 

 

 

 

Objectification and Fantasy 

Objectification and fantasy take me out of the world of shrieking toddlers, the fierce completion for money, the disappointments in love, the frustrations at work, and the self-dissipation of the body.

But, it also takes me out of the glory of my child’s smile, the warmth of a safe friend , the love flowing from service, and the knowable presence of God.

It’s a two edged sword.

“Ya pay ya nickel…and ya take your choice”

Step 3 1/2

My best AA sponsor agreed that there is a procedural pot hole in the sequence of the steps, between Step Three and Step Four.

After I surrender my will, which was to masturbate and have sex with many women…I immediately am called to take an inventory.

“Something is missing” he said.

So, nowadays, after I surrender my will, to act out, I very simply “Do God’s Will”:

Easy Does It

Live One Day (Three hours) at A Time

Just Breathe

Let Go and Let God

That is a smooth, slow transition to Step Four.

Porn

Upon occasion, I get a random, unsolicited invitation to a porn site in my Junk Mail folder.

It is interesting to me that there is always a “Come on line” in the subject matter:

“Just thinking of you” or “You were on my mind” or  “You lonely, too?”  Or “Are you still getting over her?”. 

It’s never overtly sexual and certainly not disgusting…unless, and until, you click on the link.

It’s always a cooing, femininely sympathetic, call out.

What that says to me is that the pornographers have cleverly figured out that what they are targeting broken men.

Men are prey. Broken, hurt men are, specifically, being hunted…for commercial exploitation.

That…is something to feel angry about.

That is something we men…need to change in ourselves.

Steve D. 

A Moral Psychology...

Sex with children is wrong...Always

Sex with animals is wrong...Always

Help me to be tolerant, flexible, merciful, kind, gentle, loving and humorous toward myself and others,

But, help me to remember that...there is right and wrong in the world.

Physical Humility

After eight months of injury I was able to run 50 paces, four times today.

One of my character defects is extremeness, so it was hard to not do more.

I have been lucky to have been in love with a wonderful woman in my life…but, I’ll take running any day.

My apologies, mam…

Mariology Prayer #3…a gift for Old Ray

Mother Mary,

Yours is Absolute Purity-a spirit

intelligent, holy, unique, pervading all spirits, 

though they be intelligent, pure and very subtle.

Pray for us…to receive mercy.

Amen

Acceptance is being positive...Step #10:

202 days of Chastity 

Weight is the best it’s been since I was 10 years old

Taking care of my two year old son, the joy of my life, every day

Acceptance of poverty…” He is richest who is contented with the least, for content is the wealth of nature”. Socrates

Writing six prayers a day

Praying six times a day

End of New Prayers for August 30, 2022

 

 

 

 

 

Objectification

This is the single most hinderance to a sex addict’s serenity.

It is aided and abetted by the fact that every woman is trying, through picking “ cute” clothes, manicures, pedicures, mascara, lipstick, blush, foundation, eyeliner and sexy shoes to be attractive as humanly possible. (If you don’t think this is true…try to get your wife out the door when she is putting on her make-up).

But, this is our problem…not theirs.

The prayer “Sister, May no harm come to you from me”, if applied frequently enough, will neutralize anything Dior, L’Oreal or Chanel can throw our way.

Keep praying boys…freedom is good.

Intrigue 

While objectification is more ubiquitous, intrigue is far more potent in throwing a sex addict out of equilibrium.

Why? Because a woman is making a direct, conscious effort to connect in a non-Platonic way.

When an addict is sober, healthy and free this is perfectly acceptable as “flirting”.

But an addict has to make instant judgments:

Am I sober and not committed to someone else, is obviously first.

But, then:

Is this woman involved with someone else?

Is this person a match? (Believe me, you will not be hit on by somebody way out of your league), so you have to decide, if they are right for you…otherwise, you are using them (I learned this through bitter, hateful, furious experience).

Is this the right time for me? You may be involved in school, a work project, raising children or an athletic or artistic project.

Lastly, the simple, mundane question: Am I attracted to this person?

Fortunately, this does not happen often…unless you are Tom Cruise.

Fantasy

This is as instantaneous as objectification, but is more pernicious.

Why? Because every thought, image, feeling or memory of any female you have encountered is stored in your brain and can come to consciousness, unbidden, at any moment.

This is particularly tricky, because it appears as though it is in natural course of the human thought process.

Recent, conservative estimates are that men think about sex 19 times a day.

So, there you go. The “ Sister, May no harm come you you from me” prayer has to be pulled out 19 times a day…and that’s just for Fantasy.

Day Count

A day count is the best way to stay honest.

Ask yourself “ Why am I not announcing my day count?

How Exercise can become Prayer

  1. My AA sponsor required me to memorize the Third Step Prayer before, on my knees and holding his hand before a roaring fireplace, I took the Third Step.
  1. He was a subtle man and taught me that “ Prayer was talking to God, that meditation was listening to God, that anyone could talk, but it was much more difficult…to shut up and listen. So, he taught me, as the Buddhists do, to surrender my thoughts, and count my breaths instead…so that my mind would become “ Susceptible to Divine Influences”. Hence, meditation is advanced Prayer…as the 12x12 clearly instructs.
  1. Yoga is 50% postures and 50% breathing…so, in doing yoga, I was, as my sponsor taught, meditating.
  1. Applying that yogic principle to running, biking, swimming, free weights or push-ups, by counting breaths…and Voila! You have made exercise Prayer.

         Shazam!

Mariological Prayer…for Old Ray

Mother Mary,

Most blessed of Virgins,

Help keep our minds pure today.

We are grateful, as your children, for your love.

 

End of New Prayers for August 29, 2022

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Sex Addiction Statistics as of August 2022

About 40 million Americans visit porn websites on a regular basis”

“The number of people in the United States living with sex addiction is currently estimated at 12–30 million.”

“Approximately 5% of people successfully recover from their sex addiction.”

These statistics indicate that, on average, if you visit porn sites regularly, you have a better than 50% chance of becoming a sex addict.

But, the really scary number is that you only have a 1 in 20 chance of recovering.

The next time you say to yourself, “I’ve already been to two 15 minute meetings today”…think about that number.

Steps One and Two

The Steps don’t really make any useful tangible sense when I am still acting out, because I don’t sense, in any meaningful, palpable way, how powerless I truly am.

As an addict, if I am not ready to stop, no one can say, or do, anything that will make me be ready. I have to be ready, all by myself.

When I finally am ready, I try to stop, by tremendous will power…and I will do that for a while.

Then, I finally become more humble, by becoming teachable, and let someone that I trust lead me through the Steps.

When my neurochemistry is raging out of control and I am bursting out of my skin…The First Step finally makes sense.

Actually, when I am in withdrawal, it is the Second Step that is most loving, because it tells me that there is something, somewhere, that cares about me and has some real power to help me get through those wretched withdrawals.

Step Three

“Made a decision to turn my life and will over to God, as we understood God”

It’s notable that it says as “ We “understood God, not as “ I “ understood God.

What do we understand?

We know that we are powerless.

We know that whatever God is, it must be more powerful than us.

We also know that to access that Power we must go to meetings, make phone calls, read literature, do written Step work, pray and serve others. 

We know that…

You don’t need any more information than that to get sober and stay sober.

A 12x12 View of Sexual Sobriety

“All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness”
(AA 12x12, Page 40)

Everyone needs to try to stop addiction by themselves at first. It’s the most natural thing in the world. If I have a problem I want to solve it. So I try, and I try, and I try.

But at some point, I have to be honest with myself, “I am failing at trying to stop”.

I have to “hit bottom”, as the AA first step says.

It may take months. It may take years to accept powerlessness.

But, at last...with that self-honesty, I have an opportunity to develop something I have known very little about in my life...humility.

“I admit that I am powerless over masturbation-that my life has become unmanageable”.

Without this willingness there will never be success.

The crucial point is...am I willing to try something different and to let go of my old ideas?

In fairness and truth, there are people for whom masturbation is an annoying little habit and they can stop with some “Blood, sweat and tears”.

Those are not the people we serve.

If you think that you can stop addiction with a Tony Robbins style self-help program, your religion, or a YouTube video...Stop reading the this now. This is not for you.

For us, those are “old ideas”.

But, if you really want to stop masturbating and honestly can’t stop...we know how to do that.

Patience in Physical Humility

I am healing from knee surgery and having to patiently wait for the healing process to finish.

But, I am doubling down, and even tripling down, on my yoga, core and free weights.

My heart is getting virtually nothing, but I am grateful that I have learned to love myself by being patient, but faithful, with myself.

Rule # 62

Boy” Did you know that Facebook was originally set up to compare which girls guys wanted to have sex with in the Sorority next door?”

Girl: “You are an arrogant, grandiose, admiration-seeking, unempathetic, self-centered, braggart-fool, bastard, narcissist”.

Boy: “Okay…Hey, like my new shoes?”

 

End of New Prayers for August 25, 2022 Evening

 

Prayers 

I researched “miniature art” on the internet for a new piece of music I am writing.

The first thing that came up was a picture of Jennifer Anniston, naked.

Jennifer Anniston has the acting chops of an 8th grader and the only thing miniature about her is her emotional depth.

I remember when the internet first came out in the early 90’s and it was an interesting, creative, Wild West intellectual and artistic frontier.

Now, it is as ad ridden as Television was in the 70’s.

Regardless, I prayed for her…and the silly image of her body went out of my consciousness.

Prayer for Old Ray

Mother Mary,

I am grateful for your prayers.

You have brought safety and peace, where there was fear and hurt.

Thank you, Thank you

Prayer for my wife 

HP,

I am grateful for not masturbating, for being faithful, and for not objectifying, fantasizing or intriguing.

It has been a painful, chastening nine months, but, I have been obedient to you.

Bless my wife as she moves on into her new life.

Amen 

Story Prayer

I have always loved what the Christians call “ The Old Testament” more than the “ New Testament”.  It infuriates some of my friends.

But, I am a teacher and I use stories in my work, and the stories there are incomparable.

The stories of Abraham, Elijah, Joseph, Noah, King David, Moses, Adam, Elisha, Ruth and many others, make my heart sing.  

We don’t sell religion here, we simply try to stay sexually sober, but it is comforting sometimes to see what other men and women had to do in their individual walks to get right with God.

Thanks HP for those tools.

“Take what you can use…and leave the rest”

Fantasy

Invariably, when I have a “fantasy start” (that is, when there is an image, but I don’t allow it to become a movie) it is because I am falling back on a childhood tool to avoid one thing…Anger.

HP,

Help me to be a man, and honestly, feel my anger.

Amen

An Ideal

HP,

326 days ago, as the Big Book says on page 69, “ sexually, You, newly “molded my ideal and have helped me to live up to it”.

Now God, while I appreciate it, and I am sure you know what you are doing, I must admit…I wish you weren’t so darn proud of me, sometimes.

I am a simple music teacher and father, so if you are sure you have got the right guy…I’ll keep going…for at least another 39 days to complete a year.

After that, could we talk?

Amen

Self-esteem 

My 50th High School Reunion is in a month, the day my one year of my commitment to this new sobriety ends.

There are two people possibly coming that I think a lot of.

It’s funny, I thought of them, individually, and then I thought of myself.

I guess I did that, as a boy, in my peer group.

Then, I was proud, grandiose, determined.

You can’t change a tiger’s stripes.

But, half a century since, has given me just a nanometer of humility.

By trying to do God’s will for 40 years I am pleased with myself. Not proud, but satisfied and content.

I wrote this prayer 34 years ago and it seems to have worked pretty good:

HP,
I pray for peace of mind, contentment, satisfaction, happiness, and serenity.

Rule #62

How do you become an instant narcissist?

…disagree with a woman

How to Control other People

Let’s say that you’re deep in an addiction and you feel the need to control everything around you because you don’t see that you’re the problem.

You can develop the CoDependent Napoleon Complex, with one simple rule:

“No one is allowed to feel better…than the most miserable person in the room”.

Then, you go around being the most miserable person in the room… Until you’re finished punishing whoever you’re mad at.

Everyone suffers. Of course, you don’t care, because they’re the problem…not you.

Step Three

I surrender my body, as LA Dave directs us, but I also surrender my mind.

Initially, instead of just incessant, chaotically randomly, roaming thoughts, I discipline my mind with verbal prayer, as the Big Book directs us on page 164.

But, then I have a wonderful opportunity to turn prayer into meditation, by disciplinedly surrendering my verbal prayers to God…and silently listening.

 

End of New Prayers for August 25, 2022 Early in the Day

Physical Humility

From Wikipedia -“Muscular Christianity is a philosophical movement that originated in England in the mid-19th century, characterized by a belief in patriotic duty, discipline, self-sacrifice, masculinity, and the moral and physical beauty of athleticism”.

Now we don’t push any religion on people, but we are willing to learn from other people, as an act of humility.

How about “Muscular 12 Steppers”?

I mean what is the opposite of that? 

Lazy 12 Steppers?

Soft 12 Steppers? 

Fat 12 Steppers?

That doesn’t sound to good for anyone’s spiritual self-esteem.

Let’s follow LA Dave’s leadership…

What do say boys?

Fantasy

My sponsor used to say “ Your mind can only hold one thought at a time”.

So, when my mind is thinking “It would be nice to be in a relationship”, it is not thinking about how I can be of unselfish service to others.

HP,

Please help me keep my mind pure. Help me keep my mind on service to others.

Amen

Getting Old Beautifully

All you boys are younger than me on this site, but this may be my favorite, frolicsome Office:

How do I want to live life, old?

Laugh as much as possible...

Accept instead of change.

So it’s important to change everything I want to change…before I get old, ROTFLMAO.

Real Wealth

“It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver”.
Gandhi

For Spiritual health: “Our first priority will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating."
AA 12x12

The first thing I do for my spiritual health is surrender any and all addictions that I have identified.

For Interpersonal Health

“Self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.”
AA 12x12

Here’s a couple things to do to get along better and more clearly with other folks:

Service...to the willing

And, for health in a class by itself, periods of negotiated “Finite chastity”....because “Chastity is King”...even though I LOVE SEX!

God’s Tender Mercies

As I picked up Gummy from Pre-School and took him to the park for two hours, God was merciful to me:

…every female I saw was ugly.

Thank you “8 pound 6 oz Baby, Jesus”.

Silent Prayer

I did a formal Fifth Step with a man two days ago.

All morning I silently chanted his most memorable feedback “ Keep Chastity First”.

It made a 90 minute bike ride ever so pleasant.

St. Augustine


Give me chastity, just not today.

Love the Lord, and do as you please.

You have made us for yourself ,O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in you.

You were within, but I looked for you without...and could not find you

.

As we are, such are the times.

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.

I have read in Plato and Cicero sayings that are wise and very beautiful; but I have never read in either of them: Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden.

Our bodies are shaped to bear children, and our lives are a working out of the processes of creation. All our ambitions and intelligence are beside that great elemental point.

Pride changed angels into devils. Humility makes men as angels.

There never can have been, and never can be, and there never shall be any sin without pride.

There is something in humility which strangely exalts the heart.

 Rule #62

images.jpeg

 

End of New Prayers for August 24, 2022

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pretty Prayer

I grew up a Protestant and never heard this prayer until I was 23, in a Robert Redford movie, of all places.

Praying to saints was given lip service in my religion, but was really thought of as bordering on idolatry, still…it’s a pretty prayer:

“Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. 

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.”

Physical Humility 

"As we are, so are the times."
Augustine

"As with the body, so with the Universe"
Gandhi

 If it is true that:

“As we are, so are the times”  and  “As with the body, so with the Universe”,

Then why would I not put “Self-care” through exercise and diet, after my sexual sobriety, as my number one priority?

Fantasy 

Fantasy does not take much to leak into a perfectly healthy mind and let sewage in.

Today, I simply counted the days I had until I was divorced…37 days.

I was surrounded by women at the time.

That tiny little aperture of thought, suddenly opened the door to objectification, and within two seconds, I was having to reel my mind back in with the “ Sister, May no harm come to you from me" prayer.

HP,

I pray that all my thoughts be pure and unselfish. I enjoy the freedom I experience from following your ways and I, in no way, want to jeopardize that sweet freedom. Please guide me when I am stupid. Amen 

Patience

Strive for absolute honesty

Strive for absolute purity

Strive for absolute love

Strive for absolute unselfishness

But, most importantly, be merciful and forgiving when I fall short of absolute perfection

We were “Reborn”, Big Book

refreshen
recharge
revive
regenerate
rejuvenate
renew
repair
restore
resuscitate
revitalise

Rule #62

How do you become a narcissistic sociopath?

Don’t love a woman back…who is in love with you.

 

End of New Prayers for August 23, 2022

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love and Romance  

HP,

I spoke with the first love of my life today, from 52 years ago, on the phone about an upcoming high school reunion.

I could feel the excitation, from the days of old, but I remember a line from Les Miserables:

“He perceived that this was the second turning-point in his spiritual life and in his destiny:”

My life is about chastity, raising my two year old son, praying six times a day, working out and serving other addicts.

In 1995 there was a film that opened  “For my first girlfriend - may our relationship finally rest in peace”.

A-fuckin’-men

…back to playing with Gummy 

Prayers for God's Help Part Two

HP,

I pray for you to help me in four areas of my life today: Food, sex, money and family of origin issues.

I pray to surrender all actions and thoughts around sex, love, romance and relationship to you.

I pray to take actions that will keep me (or get me) thin.

I pray to take actions to be solvent.

I pray to take actions that will keep me free of acting out unresolved father or mother conflicts.

 

Help me to remember what Saint Augustine said, "Love the Lord…and do as you please" that means, as I surrender these four areas that I need to pick up something fun in their place.

Give me a light heart, that I do not "Make heavy going of life".

Help me to unselfishly serve others and balance that with self care.

Help me live One Day At A Time, three hours at a time.

If I do my part you give me in return:

Mightiness...from within

A socially resilient chastity

Strong body from fresh green foods and exercise

The joy of breath prayer

Fun entertainment

...and Peace through knowing my soul.

Physical Humility

Other than a one hour walk, on a two hour trip, to take my son to a new nearby waterpark I have done nothing about my acknowledging my need to be humble, physically.

I feel kinda weak and puny.

HP,

Help me to remember that you have given me the gift of life and health…and to shut up, and do something about it tonight.

Amen

PS: Did a 22 minute set of 10 core exercises, 10 yoga postures and 5 sets of free weights

I feel obedient…

Physical Humility...Two

My favorite athlete is 86 year old African-American woman named Ernestine Shepherd who started body building at 56, won two body building titles, has run nine marathons, and currently runs 80 miles a week.

Go, girl!

Insane about God

To succeed in sex addiction recovery we must replace our addiction with something positive, healthful and fun.

Do we accept that we cannot stop by ourselves, that willpower, guts and self-discipline will not suffice to be successful?

Are we willing to consider that that there may be something more powerful than ourselves in the Universe?

Are we willing to go one step farther and to consider that that Power may care about us?

If we keep looking at porn and thinking we can not masturbate, that is not sane.

If we keep looking at sexually titillating social media and thinking that that it will not lead us to porn, that is not sane.

If we believe that if we were just married, or just had the right partner, or could get our partners to behave in just the right way, that we would be okay, that is not sane.

We have the right to choose any conception that works for us to stop masturbating, but to use a form of God that does not, honestly, help us stop masturbating, specifically , is not sane.

 

End of New Prayers for August 22, 2022

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Freedom from Objectification, Fantasy and Intrigue 

Any addict who has experienced true powerless in his life and then been restored to the sanity of freedom from the grip of addiction believes that there is some power greater than himself.

That is a life changing experience. 

It completely re-orients one’s thinking because that phenomenon presents addicts with a very tangible new belief.

Not every who tries to get sober gets sober.

No one is completely sure why that is true.

You have to work very hard, but there are no guarantees.

But, those of us who are lucky enough to receive that Grace are obliged to “give freely what we have freely received” if we want to maintain that freedom.

We may not fully know why we receive freedom from objectification, fantasy and intrigue, but, we do know what we have to do to keep it…simply, serve.

Anger and Objectification 

There is an old 12 step saw: “Resentment is the number one offender”.

But, long before there is the opportunity for resentment, there is anger.

Whenever I find myself instantaneously reaching for objectification, I invariably find I am angry about something.

If I look at what caused the anger I find that I feel hurt about something.

That tells me that I use objectification to not feel hurt, and then masculinize that hurt into anger.

There are healthier ways to deal with hurt.

Porn

People say “ Pornography is the problem. Masturbation is okay”.

But, if you stop masturbation, porn feels sad and looks silly.

If you take away the fire…the smoke won’t bother you.

More on Porn

I have sponsored three hookers in my life.

One of them told me the most sobering thing I ever heard about porn:

“When you are looking at porn…you are looking at mental illness”

Physical Humility 

Months ago a fellow addict was expressing grief that despite his rigorous food plan and his incipient exercise program he still had some “loose skin” on his body.

I felt compassion, but couldn’t identify.

After my knee surgery four weeks ago I got very interested in developing my abs and I found, at 67 years old just a touch of “Loose skin”…and I felt his dismay.

I lost 45 pounds 34 years ago, and 15 years ago another 10 pounds, because I was shooting videos professionally.

But, I have hammered out the core work since my surgery, daily, often twice and sometimes three times in a day, and dropped another 5 pounds.

The good news” The “Loose skin’ has started to disappear.

Who says “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”

Woof!

Rule #62

When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong.

And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong.

Bart Simpson

 

End of New Prayers for August 19, 2022

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sexual Math

There are 168 hours in the week.

If you masturbate 30 minutes a day, seven days a week (with no time off for good behavior) that’s less than 2% of the week.

AA says we drink because “ We don’t live life on life’s terms”.

How does that translate sexually?

98% of the time, if we are intriguing with someone online, at work or at the gym, objectifying as we walk down the street, watching movies or noticing ads, or fantasizing (The Sexaholics actually say that we can do that in our sleep)…then we are not “ Living life on life’s terms”…and we will reach for the 2% of physically “ acting out”  caused by that 98% that we have allowed to roll around in our heads.

Being sexually sober is not masturbating and not cheating on your partner, but if you want to be sober, and stay sober, you have to deal with the stuff when nobody else is watching: fantasy, intrigue and especially…objectification.

Physical Humility 

Physical humility has four parts, which inevitably lead to a fifth part:

Physical strength- push-ups, free weights, machines, etc. How much you can do.

Cardio-Running, Biking, Swimming, etc. Stuff that makes you sweat.

Endurance-How long you can do the above 

Flexibility- Stretching, yoga

These four lead to good Conformation.

When you have good conformation it sends out a message “ When things get really, really bad…I can handle it”.

That is a message that is encoded in people for 200,000 to 5,000,000 years, depending on which Anthropologist you talk to.

Of course, there is still the food issue to be tabulated…but, one thing at a time.

Lust

For 25 years I have attended the largest men’s SAA meeting in San Francisco.

It is home for the most sexually sober men of the 3.3 million Bay Area population.

They have a sobriety definition that they read, each week, which clearly denounces the idea of lust as being a necessary component to sobriety.

This sobriety definition was written by a man named Jim M. from Los Angeles and is used, exclusively, in California.

I understand their need to distinguish themselves from Sexaholics Anonymous, who bitterly and fiercely oppose homosexuality, but oppose Lust.

But, have they gone too far?

Lust IS objectification, fantasy and intrigue.

I may not be masturbating or cheating on my partner, but how sober could I be if I am knawed to my marrow with Lust?

The Ancient Jews would say “ Be thee holy, as I am holy”.

Can you really see God, in the garden, eaten up with Lust…I don’t think so. 

Objectification 

It was been in the mid-70’s all week in San Francisco…That is hot for us.

Out come the mid-riff tops, short-shorts, Prada sandals, Stilettos and red nail polish.

But, through prayer, I have been sailing through town like Iron Man.

I used to think prayer was for little old ladies at Wednesday night Bingo games.

I was a fool.

I like being footloose and fancy free to walk my child up and down our neighborhood streets and just enjoy people.

Thank you God for freedom from objectification.

 

Rule #62

"How do you write women so well? I think of a man...and take away reason and accountability"

Jack Nicholson

 

End of New Prayers for August 18, 2022

Which is the more common “Middle Circle”?

When you hear the terms objectification, fantasy and intrigue together you can get the impression that these behaviors are 1/3, 1/3 and 1/3.

But this isn’t true.

When, as Mick Jagger would say “I’m tryin' to make some girl”, you are aware when you are doing that.

When you lie in bed and consciously imagine having sex with someone, you know what you’re doing.

But, objectifying is much more pernicious.

When there is a police incident the first thing that the reporting officer asks you is “Was it a man or a woman?”.

Sexual description comes before race, age, height or physical characteristics in their identification process.

Because, it is the very first thing that you notice about a person.

So, when you are just crossing the street, and just don’t want to bump into someone, sex is the very first thing that registers.

That being the case, objectification is the thing that is most negatively impactful in a sex addicts life, day in and day out.

But, prayer works.

You know the drill… “Sister, may no harm come to you from me”.

 

Physical Humility…The “Narc” effect

Twenty years ago MJ and I used to eat every day in a raw vegan restaurant  in San Francisco with Woody Harrelson.

He said that he used to eat meat to get that “Narc” effect of feeling semi-knocked out afterwards.

Now, no one here is advocating vegetarianism, but as I lay on the floor to prepare to offer my body to God, it does occur to me that some fresh greens might make it a little easier for me to do physical humility…than three pieces of cheese pizza.

Fantasy

The thing I miss the most about my wife and I’s former relationship was not the sex, or even the sweet affection, both of which were heavenly, but rather the human warmth from caring about someone and being cared about in return.

That is gone and I accept it.

However, to either wistfully replay it in my head, or to imagine having that with someone new that I meet…is fantasy.

It takes me out of my real life.

That is not what is healthiest for me.

Rather, being grateful for what is real now is what I need most.

I have a beautiful two year old son, who needs a great deal of care.

I have a score of men friends who are striving their utmost to do God’s will, sacrificing their wants, daily, three hours at a time.

That is a truly remarkable thing…and I am grateful.

Intrigue?

Sometimes simple, common human communication can be misinterpreted as intrigue.

I spoke to a mother, sitting beside me in my two year old’s Pre-K orientation, and she kind of shuffled backwards.

I thought to myself “Really? Mentioning the bench we were all four sitting on sounded like intrigue to you?”

I need to be constantly vigilant in the purity of my motives, but I also need to realize that sometimes…”It’s their stuff”.

 

"Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement.

In the end, you ignore everything and click I agree.”

 

End of Prayers for August 17, 2022

 

 

Objectifying…on the beach

I work very hard on my body.

The real reason is that “I am bodily and mentally different from my fellows”.

And because…”Any picture of the alcoholic which does not include the physical is incomplete”.

In all physical humility, I cannot maintain my serenity…without exercise.

But, I am a sex addict, too…and looking strong and healthy helps in attracting a better partner.

Personally, I find running and pushups to be the most effective in creating and maintaining good conformation.

The real acid test is…How do I look when I walk out on the beach for the first day of vacation?

You know, by who’s lookin’ at ya…

Now, it doesn’t take a social genius to figure out, that I am not the only one who had figured this out…This, of course, includes women.

When women walk out, or recline on the beach, they know, full well, that they are being watched by every male over the age of 10.

They are trying too be as attractive as they can…

Knowing that, as a sex addict in recovery, I can avoid the beach…or I can arm myself with prayer.

“Sister, may no harm come to you from me” is like a 45 in the Landing at Normandy, but I also have a back-up prayer.

If the “Sister Prayer” is insufficient, I prayer the first three steps, over and over, inserting the word “Objectification”:

I admit that I am powerless over objectification-that my life has become unmanageable.

I have come to believe that a Power Greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

I turn my life and my will over to the care of God, as I understand God.

If that doesn’t work, I call my program buddies…and they kick my butt, gently, but firmly.

Freedom from Fantasy

I was sexually abused by my mother when I was five, so I have a wire crossed in my head which, completely silently, says, “ Any woman that is nice to you…is open to having sex with you.”

I meet a number of new women every day of my life taking care of my two year old , at Preschool and at the various playgrounds I take him to.

Now guys, the very worst place to meet available women is in a playground.

Those women are totally mortgaged to their lovable children and can’t see you if you were Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt with $100 bills hanging out your back pockets.

But, I have to pray that tripwire in my head away, with “Sister may no harm come to you from me”.

Works perfectly…and I get a good, peaceful night’s sleep.

A Practical Abstinence from Intrigue

Intrigue is any conversation, look, or body language that would convey sexual interest in another person.

There is a time for that: When dating an appropriate person or starting to engage romantically with a committed partner.

But, 99.9% of the time that is a “No-No”, relationally.

Women sense intrigue, instantly, as describe it as “ It feels weird around him”.

For me, as my marriage is ending, and I want to have as relaxed, warm and friendly a relationship as possible with my soon to be ex, so that we stay, unselfishly, focused on the best interests of our two year old son, the slightest nuance of intrigue with her would destroy months of thoughtful groundwork laid, by both of us, in trying to eradicate the mistrust and fear that accompanies all divorces .

HP,

Keep me perfectly pure with my wife, in both my words and my thoughts.

Amen

Physical Humility…or Sloth?

Like recovery, physical humility, requires willingness.

Today I did six sets of 40 pushups during three PrayerCall and drug my son around in a cart behind my bike for 30 minutes, going to the park.

That, for me…is sloth.

I am angry with myself. I can do better than that.

So...I got off my lazy butt and did 5 sets of free weights, 10 core exercises and 10 yoga postures.

It took 25 minutes. That is moderate.

Ecclesiastes says "The man who fears God will avoid all extremes."

And that is all I am aiming to do...and I felt better.

End of Prayers for August 16, 2022

Objectification

HP,

I am so grateful to be free of objectification on this beautiful, warm, sunny day.

The women are all dressed to be attractive, to attract mates, but you have made me impervious to them and therefore, free.

I enjoy my freedom from the mental illness of sexual obsession.

I feel average and normal.

You have restored me to sanity…and I am humbly grateful to You.

 

Middle Circle

HP

I am so grateful to you for “ removing the obsession”.

One of the great things about not objectifying, not intriguing and not fantasizing is that, since my mind is not locked up in it’s own selfishness, that I notice, not just my own feelings, but other people’s feelings.

This gives me social cues on how to respond.

If someone is feeling afraid, I can encourage.

Hurt…I can console

Despondent…I can make them laugh.

Objectification, fantasy and intrigue have absolutely nothing to do with our physically acting out, but they are 98% of the illness.

I want to be completely free of the disease…

 

Self-demandingness

When I am free from objectification, fantasy and intrigue I notice I am free from something else.

I am free of my pitiless, merciless self-demandingness.

When I am in Middle Circle I feel, within me, some shame...because I know I am doing something wrong.

To remain in balance, I feel a need to counter that shame with doing something superhuman.

Could this be what drove my childhood heroes Jack Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr...who were both notorious womanizers?

 

Physical Humility 

HP,

You have given me a body to live in.

You have given me the gift of health.

Help me today to value, respect and honor that gift by taking care of my body, through some attention to strength, some to flexibility and some to cardio.

Help me to be moderate…but vigorous.

End of Prayers for August 15, 2022

 

 

 

 

Three Hours at a Time

In 12 Step we live “ One Day at a Time”.

More than that and we overwhelm ourselves…and act out.

That rhythm is the second most brilliant thing 12 step discovered, after the concept of powerlessness, which leads us to the inevitable necessity of God.

So, taking a lifetime vow, whether as a priest, or a monk, is not something we can do.

We are “ Bodily and mentally, different from our fellows”.

PrayerCall has discovered that “ Three hours at a time” is actually more manageable for sex addicts than “ One Day at a Time”.

So, while we don’t vow our lives away…we can vow for three hours.

FA would discover this, with the requirement of a written food plan, the night before.

There is something very special about that tiny level of commitment, because my mind is involved…not just my body.

I can surrender sex for three hours…and I will!

Intrigue...

Starting up conversations with beautiful women seems innocuous enough.

…but if I ask myself would I start the same conversation with a man… The answer could be no.

What is that about?.

In that case I am looking for attention from a beautiful woman…

And that is in intrigue.

God,

I have a belief that after being with you and after fathering, the best thing life has to offer is sexual love.

That is a false belief.

Unselfish service is better than sex. If that were not true AA and Gandhi’s teaching would be false.

Also, moderate creativity is more fun, because you create, as Otto Rank said, “ A second super real world”, like a child. That’s what my two year old son does.

Also, for me, if I had to choose only between running and sex…I would choose running.

These are five concrete examples of things that are better than sex.

Please help me remember these five things when I am walking down my street…and there is a beautiful woman.

“Sister…may no harm come to you from me.”

“Sister…may no harm come to you from me.”

“Sister…may no harm come to you from me.”

Freedom from Objectifying...

HP,

All women  have two eyes, two ears , a mouth and a nose….and yet each one has completely unique look.

If you leave out looking at their legs, waist, hips, hands, feet, neck and arms, completely eschewing their “Private parts”, I find them infinitely interesting to look at.  

Only music is as interesting to me on a purely physical level.

But…the problem is that I have a “core belief” as Patrick Carnes PhD states, that renders me a sex addict.

And that belief is that nothing  feels better than sex and nothing feels better than the romantic love that surrounds it.

Because of that belief, I have an obsession with looking at women, or “objectifying”.

Obsession, by definition, is mental illness.

I used to fight myself, constantly, when I first discovered this about myself, at age 15…and constantly lost.

The concept of sex addiction had not been discovered when I was 15.

The defeats were endlessly humiliating.

I had to find a “Power Greater than Myself” that could help me. 

My religion and therapy were useless against this onslaught.

When I found 12 step they taught me about “service”. Helping others “for fun and for free”.

That was something that was not only more powerful than the obsession, but was also more interesting than the infinitely varied women body parts.

“Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty I am free at last”

More on Objectifying...

HP,

I believe it is your will to me to be free of objectification, or looking at women sexually, because it makes them feel “ weird”.

As I am sexually addicted, and thereby obsessed with sex, I cannot stop or control this behavior anymore than I can stop masturbating or cheating on my partner.

I desire to be surrendered to you, some people would say “obedient”, but, I do not want to be “codependently dependent” on you, as that would require another program…which is not even invented, yet.

Your will, more than anything else, is for me to be honest.

Honestly, I want you to totally take away my obsession with sex, manifesting here as objectification, like a Mighty Magician coming to aid of some Fairy Princess.

But you want me, after being honest, to be humble, and the simplest way to do that is to go to meetings.

It doesn’t have to be PrayerCall, but it does have to be specifically a strong, sex addiction program. SRA, SA and AAA Big Book Study are good examples of strength.

Reading Spiritual Literature...

HP,

I am grateful for your instruction that I have the opportunity to follow.

The Big Book, The 12x12, Hope and Recovery, The SLAA text, Days of Healing, Days of Joy, Gandhi’s Autobiography, The Courage to Heal and The Bible are all wonderful places to find out how you want us to live.

Help us “Take what we can use and leave the rest”, but also help us not “ Be like the horse or the mule”.

I gratefully surrender masturbation and affairs to you, along with objectification, fantasy and intrigue.

These are clearly not your will as they lead us to obsession and compulsion, not freedom and peace.