PoM 320

I want to report some progress.

Whenever Alona, Gummy and I travel we rent a Chrysler Pacifica van, with seats that retract underneath the floor, so we can sleep in the back at night.

We pass many parcels of land that say “ For sale”. I have not once called a real estate agent on this trip to check on prices.

Progress rather than perfection.

Besides…who wants to live in the desert?

PoM 321

On Monday it will be one year that I have committed to writing and playing the avant-garde, like I did in my 20’s.

That alone would qualify my wife for sainthood.

Alona and I had a long discussion last week after the new Gandhi Offices were presented that opened with one of the most beautiful passages about women I have ever read (see C16).

“Still Dave” had contributed that women’s place in spirituality had diminished since the advent of monotheism.

We all agreed, but Alona countered that even though my favorite saint Augustine had pretty much blamed the demise of the entire world on Eve, that Mary, the Mother, had redeemed women with her unspeakable faith and courage.

That inspired me and I began to write “Mary, the Mother”.

I have sent many of you 12 second to 60 second videos the last year…but this topic of the unique potential of the goodness of women deserves a lengthy treatment.

It’ll be a while, but be expecting a link in your text history.

PoM 322

For John:

I heard a courageous share today…

Did you ever wonder why you are a sex addict?

The Big Book, 12 step’s most universal text says that they “can’t really tell you why”.

That was true in 1939 when it was published, but a lot of men and women, mostly anonymously, have given their lives to 12 step and we have learned some things in 82 years.

While their was some cursory discussion with Carl JungAA drew much more heavily on religious resources in the beginning.

But, in the late 70’s, treatment centers became vey impactful to 12 step and three things, right out of basic Freudian thought, began to be examined and considered: feelings, sex and your relationships with your parents.

Among these three, family of origin gained dominance.

It was found, and believed, that if someone blamed, shamed or controlled you…that you had been emotionally abused as a child.

Patrick Carnes, PhD, the founder of Sex Addicts Anonymous says that ”96% of sex addicts were emotionally abused.

It was found that if you were not nurtured with love, expressed through feelings, you were “emotionally neglected”, which leaves you needy.

If you were exposed to obscenity or profanity, while anger was being expressed, that you were verbally abused, severely damaging your self -esteem leaving you always looking for something outside yourself for relief: sex, food, alcohol, drugs, etc.

Most of us in America grew up with food, clothing and shelter, which during the 30’s was considered as “ having your needs met” and, in fairness, the other human needs: love and belonging, esteem of others, creativity simply had not been discovered at that point. But, if those needs are not met it leaves you feeling lonely, isolated, different, out of place.

Then there is physical abuse ranging from hitting, slapping, pushing, being beat with a belt, the list is varied, inclusive and quite long. This leaves you depressed and afraid.

Finally, there is sexual abuse: being sexual with your children, being sexually touched by your neighbors, teachers, priests or friends.

In my own experience and observation in the last 33 years of devoting my life to helping sex addicts I have never known a sex addict who wasn’t sexually abused in some way…not one.

Ellen Bass, the author of The Courage to Heal and Ernie Larsen, the author of Days of Healing, Days of Joy both say the exact thing…”There is always a reason”.

This may sound like a lot, but if it is recognized, you can develop something that AA does not promulgate, self-compassion…and that is a priceless tool.

PoM 323

Ran 7 miles in the Death Valley Desert today in the noonday sun.

It was a “peak experience” for me, as is mentioned in the “Gifts of Chastity“ Office.

I am grateful that PrayerCall has turned her attention to the possibility that taking care of ourselves, physically, is a part of spirituality.

PoM 324

There is a self-possession necessary for maintaining abstinence with food, or chastity.

I must be responsible for my feelings 24 hours a day.

Unmonitored, I default to sadness emotionally.

Unmonitored, I default to self-pity attitudinally.

But hanging around the group every three hours alleviates that.

PoM 325

Anonymous numbers and narcissism: Days of Sobriety 12-7-1-3-16-3-8-12-44-23-65

If you let go of the “Shooting Star Syndrome” which accounts for days 65, 23, and 44 you see a pattern of streaks with peaks of 12 days, followed by 16 days, followed by 12 days.

So, the numbers indicate that the best estimate of your average sobriety time is 12 days.

In between those three peaks there are three short streaks of 8 and 3 days, and a second series of short streaks of 3, 1, and 7 days.

That tells me that you struggle for exactly 11 days in between peak streaks.

At the rate of surrender you are at, the numbers indicate that, if your pattern continues, you will act out again between 3 and 8 days from now.

When confronted with numbers, my character defect of narcissism says “I’ll show you”, so with super-human willpower I can increase my success rate about 33%. This accounts for the 16 day peak streak.

As you have one day of sobriety, and are seeing these numbers today, the narcissism will help you get 7 more days. 

Best prediction with these numbers is you will act out again on November 17.

That’s the bad news.

The good news is “God is in the numbers”…and you are getting closer to your bottom.

When you get there you will have the opportunity to surrender completely.
(Editors note: Posted with permission)