PoM 315
“An aspirant after celibacy will always be conscious of his shortcomings, will seek out the passions lingering in the innermost recesses of his heart, and will incessantly strive to get rid of them.”
Gandhi
I have no shame around my codependency, because I have worked on that for 3 decades, but I do I have some shame around my narcissism, because there is no program for that….
Codependency is on the left wing and Narcissism is on the right wing of a continuum with a perfect balance between self-care and unselfish service to others right, dead center.
This morning my beloved and I got into conflict:
She is learning to drive in the Joshua Tree desert and the Google fritzed out.
She is infinitely more competent than I am with technology, but was fed bad information.
I felt angry and spoke unlovingly to her.
I can always tell when I am in my narcissism…because I can hear myself saying “I’m not going to apologize”. I always do, but initially…I always say that I won’t.
Narcissism is a character defect of the directly strong. Codependency is a character defect of the passively strong.
My narcissism manifests as using my intelligence and quickness of mind to verbally hammer someone into me “being right”.
I don’t like this about myself. I know where it comes from…and both are true.
God, I am entirely ready to have you remove this defect of my character and I humbly ask you to remove this shortcoming…before my wife beats my butt, back. Amen
PoM 316
Technical note:
It’s important when changing a male child’s diapers to not do it from his back.
Otherwise, you may forget to cover his manly parts, he will pee all over himself…and then you have to start all over.
Just sayin’
PoM 317
Counted breaths for 15 minutes….but my heart hurt.
Composed in my head, for 45 minutes and my heart didn’t hurt.
The hurt comes from the demandingness I put on myself. With writing music…there are no demands.
PoM 318
When people ask me “Are you a Christian?”
I use Mark Twain’s reply “Not so as any respectable Christian would know”.
While I believe what Gandhi said that “God has no religion”, I have, on two occasions, felt the presence of the specifically Christian part of God.
My best sponsor felt a presence and left the Army after World War II and spent the next 63 years in monastery.
Wandering around the desert today, I thought about the last time I felt a presence, in Laos, when I was concerned about my spondylitis, which is a curvature of the spine…injury, disease or impending death will do that to a man, or woman.
This time, for the first time, I actually heard words.
I am more than a little suspicious of that type of report because, for five years, I sponsored the only living son of Jim Jones.
But, the words were incredibly simple: “ Why me?”
So, in my head I said: “Well, I’ve been spreading your gospel all my life…in my own neighborhood” (talking about the healing of God in addiction recovery).
The conversation kind of trailed off there as I needed to get back to Gummy and Alona.
It’s not coming down from Mount Sinai with two tablets…but, it has got me musing a bit.
In any case, I stayed abstinent with my food today and, for me, that is what is most important.
PoM 319
I didn’t do any cardio yesterday and I'm feeling pent up and creaky, but today I am going to try and run 5 miles in the desert.
There is of course no internet in this desert so I unfortunately won’t be able to call any of you and I feel a little sad about that because I get so much joy talking to everyone on PrayerCall.
But, I also get strength and courage from you all.
There is something singularly encouraging about being in the company of the willing that is not like anything else.
Groucho Marx used to say “I would never want to be a member of a group…that would have me as a member”.
But, he never was around the folks at PrayerCall.
Thanks everyone…