PoM 279
The need for contentment.
This is not a need that Maslow discovered.
It is not a need that AA acknowledges…at least early on.
The highest need that 12 step propounds is spirituality, exemplified in honest, unselfish daily inventory, prayer and service.
That is some pretty good stuff and shouldn’t that be enough…I mean really?
Still, the most quoted section in the Big Book, outside the revered “First 164 pages” is the story “Acceptance was the Answer” (page 449 in the Third Edition, page 417 in the Fourth Edition).
It says famously: “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”
Acceptance is not a newcomer issue. Neither is Serenity a newcomer product.
Changing and Courage are newcomer issues.
So this lovely, loving quote is not going to do you any meaningful good for the first six years (by the best estimates) of recovery.
But, once you’ve got your physical, safety, love and belonging, esteem of others, and spirituality needs met…then this need becomes useful.
You need to get this piece before you can successfully go any further: “Who I am, what I do, what I have, what I have accomplished in my life…is enough.”
You need to be okay with who you genuinely and humbly are.
This is why this is not a newcomer issue.
Do you really want to accept that you drink too much, take opioids, smoke, use pornography or that you are fat? Probably not…
So the Needs, like the Steps…”are in order for a reason”.
There are still two more needs to go, but first…contentment.
PoM 280
For Stephanie:
Is God perfect?
The Abrahamic religions: Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Bahai’s and Rastafarians all see God as a Father.
That is good useful concept because every one has a father, the father is a powerful figure, and for most people, that father is loving.
The big problem with that way of looking at things is that, as you have noted, no one’s father is perfect, so when people start to look for God, generally in about 14 years old , when they begin to differentiate from their parents and begin to develop psychosexually, they run smack into their imperfect real father…with a God mask on.
This is particularly true of adults that grew up with alcoholic parents, or any type of addiction, or mental illness.
For example, as 75% America is now fat, just that problem alone is going to damage three fourths of our children.
That can sound inflammatory, but I’ve worked with fat people for 34 years…And not one of them, in their heart of hearts, wanted to be fat.
A second problem with the perfect father figure approach is that, in practice, it is inextricably associated the idea of the Creator.
But with the Perfect Creator many folks want to, complain, moan and badger God for allowing earthquakes, famines, bad crops and the fact that the girl they love…really loves someone else.
What are we going to do?
Let’s start with something ultra simple.
The most radical line in all of 12 step is this “Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?”
What if we just start over…God could probably handle that.
I like Gandhi’s approach “God is truth”. Let’s start there.
…Then the question of perfection is no longer relevant.
PoM 281
When I started sex addiction recovery, I was required to do 60 days of total sexual abstinence.
Anything short of 60 days was not considered a legitimate period of abstinence.
Nowadays, my wife and I will not be paying attention, not have sex for three or four days and suddenly she will have started her menstrual cycle.
We decide four years ago to observe the admonition in the book of Leviticus about refraining from physical intimacy at this time of month…it works for us.
That’s usually 5, maybe 6 days, so now we are roughly 10 days out.
After about five days I start noticing the gifts of chastity:
My mind is clearer…that’s why all but one the Old Testament prophets were single. It’s part of their job description to get that gig.
My intuition is razor sharp…That’s important if you are trying to listen to God, when your sponcees need help. I am not God, but chosen chastity helps you get closer to God when someone needs an answer.
More power in personal relationships…
I am a sex addict, so you have to be pretty ugly, old, fat or crazy for me to not be attracted to you. I am also powerless over intrigue, so if some woman starts coming onto me, I can get like a deer in the headlights. However, with chosen chastity, I am in charge of which way my life goes. I am free to say “No”…a choice and a power I did not have as a child.
My favorite gift of chastity is “social resilience”.
That means you can do or say, anything you want and, like we say in the South, “It’s like water rolling off a duck’s butt”. It just doesn’t bother me.
I want to talk about that one for a minute:
I’ve taken about 60,000 phone calls in the last 33 years and the vast majority of them were about guys complaining about their wife’s behavior, or some woman who was hurt because a man said, or didn’t say, something to her.
It is hard for them to imagine, at that moment, that the reason they are vulnerable is because they’re not being chaste…but, it’s true.
When I suggest a chastity period, they are stunned and baffled, but when they try it, they find they take their power back. Shazam!
Finally, the fifth gift of Chasity is vision.
Now this can be unnerving and a little weird when it first happens, but you get used to it and can roll with it.
God doesn’t want to scare you to death by talking from a burning bush because his awesomeness is so overwhelming, but…He doesn’t mind sending you a postcard.
And that’s what a vision is. It’s just a little Hallmark note saying “Thinking of you”.
So 10 days out, I am liking chastity and start angling for more.
My wife and I have noticed something at this point: If we talk openly about continuing a chastity period, we almost invariably become so attractive to each other that we each find the other irresistible.
If Chanel or L’Oreal knew this…they’d be bottling chastity faster than lip balms or face masks.
So, the smart money is just shut up and enjoy the ride…the chaste ride.
PoM 282
Here are some things I noticed about practicing a period of finite chastity:
I have more strength to put the fitted sheet on the mattress, when my wife and I are bending the mattress to get the newly cleaned sheets on.
As I get older, the memories I have from my youth seem to be accessed down a long, dark hallway from where I am at the particular moment. But, when I am chaste that corridor seems much shorter, brighter and better lit.
When I reach for extremely difficult guitar techniques, at high speeds, at high volumes…I miss less.
When I feel angry, I feel it immediately. I don’t have to go through my past circuitry of “Oh, I want to be a nice guy“…so I won’t be angry…
I am just immediately, naturally, angry.
I have more courage…
The anosmia that I have seems to diminish ever so slightly, and my sense of smell starts to return.
My vision is slightly sharper. I can see things in more focusedly, as though my eyes were refracting light more efficiently.
I have spondylolisthesis and degenerative discs in my L5 and the Sacrum. That causes me not to stand up straight as I would like.
But, when I am chaste, I seem to stand up straighter, walk taller with better carriage, more poise and even just a touch of grace.
The downside of chastity is that the pain I feel: the hurt, sadness, neediness, loneliness is intensified.
It’s not really intensified. I can just feel it more.
Also, I have to be careful not to drive people around me crazy. Because…I’m so much stronger than I normally am, and I just expect people to keep up with me the way they normally do when I’m being actively sexual.
PoM 283
“Vows...I am able to testify that they have also served as my shield. I am of the opinion that they have added a few years to my life and saved me from many an illness.”
Gandhi
Is that really true?
Does a vow of chastity really add a few years to your life?
I don’t know, but what I do know is that when I am chaste I need 1 1/2 to 2 hours less sleep a day.
1.5 hours x 365 days in the year = 547 hours/year
547 hours x 78 year life expectancy = 42,666 hours in an average male lifetime in the US.
42,666 hours/24 hours in a day = 1778 days
1778 days/365 days in the year = 4.87 years
So, yeah you get about 5 extra years over a lifetime