PoM 156
“We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found.”
Big Book p55
I used to write about God the Father, the Creator of all things a lot.
As the Ancient Jews would say I “feared” God, not in the sense of being afraid, but rather being “respectful with a reverential awe.”
But I couldn’t get and stay sober…
Then one of my sponsors told me “God will let you see the people you need to see and hear what you need to hear”.
And God kind of shoved me out in the world to “seek my spiritual fortune”, as the children’s stories say, like a healthy parent would say to his son after he completed college.
And I had to learn something that I had no comprehension of whatsoever…Humility.
In AA, they say that “Humility is teachability”, so I had to learn not only to accept help, but to do what people suggested.
No self-respecting addict likes to be told what to do. It’s in our very nature to be rebellious.
So it took a long time. I had to go to a lot of places and lots and lots of people to get the help I needed.
But I learned that I could feel God’s presence if I was honest and open with someone else who is honest and open.
I trust that.
Then something very curious happened. In the spring of 1991 I launched into my third celibacy period, and God threw me a curve ball.
Suddenly, there was no one around that could help me. God had decided that I was ready to look within for Him.
Way better men than me have had to do this. Saint Augustine famously said “I looked for you without and could not find you…my God within”.
It was really scary.
But, one day in 1992, someone asked me to start writing literature for 12 step groups.
There was nothing to guide me but my intuition, and it led me.
It would be 26 years before I understood that my intuition was the voice of my soul, that I had been listening to the whole time.
That is why I write...to know my soul.
“We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found.”
Big Book p55
The boys at AA are usually right…
PoM 157
My wife and I have key words things aren’t going smoothly:
“You are a grouchy-locks”.
“You’re a snappy-locks”.
“You are a nag-a-locks”.
Tonight I texted an amends to one of my sponcees after our phone call:
“I want to make amends to you. I was not as emotionally available as I needed to be.”
That seems more relationally appropriate than saying… “I am a grouchy-locks”.
PoM 158
“The body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind.”
The Doctor’s Opinion
Big Book
I ran a half-marathon today.
At 11.5 miles I finally broke through my rambling mind and could feel my soul.
My knees and feet hurt, but that last 1 1/2 miles I felt a deep, deep peace of mind.
If you would have told me 40 years, when I joined AA, that I would be doing this special thing for myself at 66, I simply wouldn’t have been able to connect the dots to see where sobriety can lead.
First Tradition states, “Our common welfare should come first”. We all have to do that.
But, God has a different path for everyone.
PoM 159
I read an article in Life Magazine in 1967 in my school library in Nokesville Virginia when I was in 7th grade.
Two kids were sniffing glue, a pastime disaffected middle class suburban sometimes teenagers engaged in back then.
They had gotten high on glue only twice, but the magazine line read “We are addicts”.
Even though I had never had any drugs, alcohol, tobacco or caffeine in my body at the time, I had a violent, visceral reaction to these boys describing themselves as addicts, after only engaging two times.
But, half a century later that’s exactly how I describe myself:
Hi! My name is Steve, and I am addicted to anything that feels good…that I have done twice.
PoM 160
I am grateful to have the opportunity to work on the crazy thoughts that come into and go out of my head at random.
I only get that opportunity when I am clean from everything addictive.