PoM 146
For Patrick,
On going through the motions, not engaging in recovery:
The first eight years of recovery I went to three meetings a week, faithfully.
I read the Big Book, assiduously.
And I didn’t drink…
But I wouldn’t share, I wouldn’t get a sponsor, I wouldn’t call people on the phone, and I couldn’t quite connect with God in any meaningful and lasting way.
I had the structure, but not the content.
It wasn’t till I lost my AA sobriety, eight years into recovery, that I finally did what AA said and “ Put recovery first”.
I had not been willing to “go to any lengths”.
For me, I had be “all in”.
The model I used was the born-again Christians.
Those guys were on fire with God, whether you agreed with them or not.
Using AA’s structure, SLAA’s content and the evangelical’s passion, I was able to get sexually sober and stay that way (Three hours at a time, of course).
Just going through the motions was a lot better for me than what I was doing when I was drinking. It helped train me. It was time well spent.
The time will come when I am ready…
PoM 147
Gummy is a mirror.
It’s funny to watch him doing push-ups, play the stand-up bass, dance and sing.
One of his new phrases is “No, no, no “, while he wags his finger, gently disapproving.
When we take him through our neighborhood in his stroller, he waves at everybody.
He seems naturally attracted and attractive to girls.
I have to be careful what I do.
Cause God has sent me a sponsor…
PoM 148
In polite company it’s wise not to talk about three things: sex, religion and money.
12 step groups come from religion and we try to learn from it.
Act With Courage started out principally as a sex addiction recovery site so we talk about that.
Today, after carefully negotiating relationally sensitive boundaries, I had an adult conversation about money.
I have learned from Debtors Anonymous that “God is in the numbers”.
So, I was completely open with someone, besides my wife, for the first time about financial numbers.
I felt a little scared, but I acted with courage.
So did the person who I was talking with.
At the end of the conversation I felt breathtaken and teary-eyed.
One way to find God, that is reliable… is being honest and open with another human being
PoM 149
Step Four:
If I am brutally honest with myself I have to admit that I have loved Gummy deeply, but I have been more circumspect in fathering him than with my daughter.
Part of the reason is that she was my first child and I didn’t really know what raising a healthy child was like, having no previous models from my childhood….so I put everything I had into it.
Part of it was that it was the 90’s and people were extremely cautious to not inadvertently hurt their children. The gerund “parenting” as an avocation, nearly a profession, came into being at that time.
But, if I am fully honest and open, I was so hurt by my daughter’s permanent boundary she set when I married Alona that I felt, at least dismayed, if not discouraged, by the results of that 30 year labor of love.
Gummy broke through my grief today and fully captured my heart.
I played him the incomparably beautiful and simple melody from Stravinsky’s Finale of the Firebird Suite and he was motionlessly entranced.
He insisted that we listen to it seven times in a row.
“Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. To soften rocks, or bend the knotted oak."
Thanks for being patient with me, Gummy.
Dad
PoM 150
I wrote prayers, practiced , rehearsed, taught, edited music videos for 42 hours this week…but I did not do one lick of cardiovascular exercise.
My body feels weak and crumbling.
Balance is where sanity is, for me.
I can do better then that.