PoM 116

A response to an 1100 mile trip to make a Ninth Step amends to a woman who I had hurt 50 years ago.

“Steve, you did me a favor. My mother constantly told me “Boys are only after one thing.” I dated during my senior year of high school, but no one tried anything. In my twisted mental state, I figured that must mean I was nice (they asked me out) but completely unattractive. You ended that misconception for me.”

They don’t all turn out that well.

One woman said “You mother-so and so…you did hurt me!”

I still have to do my part and make amends… Regardless of the reaction.

PoM 117

When I veer around the edges of addiction it clouds my judgment.

And I have to recheck my work when I write…and I feel annoyed with myself, “Sometimes quickly… Sometimes slowly”.

PoM 118

A sponsee was jubilant over the benefits of PrayerCall.

She said “It’s you”.

The sentence kept resonating in my ear.

I believe it’s because God is dwelling within me.

Further, I believe that anyone is capable of it.

As Will Rogers would say “Any five year old can do it…with 20 years of practice”.

PoM 119

In response to the below text from a Sponcee:

“I am an addict, prey to dishonesty, self-aggrandizement, ego and grandiosity”.

My daughter, who I raised myself, when she was seven years old, used to say “There’s my braggy Dad”…

So, she knew self-aggrandizing…up close.

As for grandiosity, every now and then I can find my mind slitheringly wandering from “service others“, to “saving the world”, but that is just unrecovered Al-anonism to keep the attention off working on myself.

As for ego…I compare:

I compare me to Hendrix…and always lose (appropriately)

I compare me to Clapton…and have never understood why I lost 

And around dishonesty: Catch me on a bad day and I am a “Liar, cheat and thief” as AA says…when it comes to sex, love, romance and relationship.

I saw Patrick Carnes speak live in a very large, very conservative church in 1991. 

When asked “Does recovery ever end?” He said “No…we live in Steps Six and Seven and constantly work on our character defects."

PoM 120

What do I need God for?

For me, because I am powerless over so many things, I need power and guidance throughout each day.

But, their is also a longing in my heart for love:

To quote my favorite Prayer from the Book of Wisdom 7:22-30 

“For in her is a spirit, intelligent, holy, unique”

I have a hunger for clarity:

“and pervading all spirits, though they be intelligent, pure and very subtle.”

I need strength:

“She is mobile beyond all motion, and she penetrates and pervades all things by reason of her purity.”

I long for the divine:

“For she is the refulgence of eternal light, the spotless mirror of the power of God, the image of his goodness.”

And I see Her perfection:

“For she is fairer than the sun and surpasses every constellation of the stars. Compared to light, she takes precedence.”