Jump to Objectifying and Chastity 1
Jump to Objectifying and Chastity 5
Jump to Objectification, Fantasy and Intrigue 1
Objectifying and Chastity 1
This is the single most hinderance to a sex addict’s serenity.
It is aided and abetted by the fact that every woman is trying, through picking “ cute” clothes, manicures, pedicures, mascara, lipstick, foundation, blush, eyeliner and sexy shoes to be attractive as humanly possible. (If you don’t think this is true…try to get your wife out the door when she is putting on her make-up).
But, this is our problem…not theirs.
The prayer “Sister, May no harm come to you from me”, if applied frequently enough, will neutralize anything Dior, L’Oreal or Chanel can throw our way.
The purity and freedom of chastity is worth it.
Objectifying and Chastity 2
HP,
All women have two eyes, two ears , a mouth and a nose….and yet each one has completely unique look.
If you leave out looking at their legs, waist, hips, hands, feet, neck, arms, completely eschewing their “Private parts”, they are still infinitely interesting to look at.
But…the problem is that sex addicts have a “core belief”, as Patrick Carnes PhD the founder of sex addiction states, that renders them sex addicts and that belief is that nothing feels better than sex and nothing feels better than the romantic love that surrounds it.
Because of that belief, sex addicts have an obsession with looking at women, or “objectifying”.
Obsession, by definition, is mental illness.
It's hard for a sex addict to accept that this is in fact a mental illness, but that is what the AA 12x12 states on the last page of Step #2.
As teenagers, usually around age 14, a young male sex addict will try to control this behavior and much to his surprise (and shame) he will fail.
If the desperation is deep enough he will try to stop it with his religion's version of God...and, very disconcertingly, he will fail again.
Religion and therapy are useless against this onslaught.
It is necessary to find a “Power Greater than Oneself” that is based on honesty about the fact that the addict can't stop masturbating that finally, truly helps.
12 step teaches about “Service” or helping others “for fun and for free”.
That is something that is not only more powerful than the obsession, but was also more interesting than the infinitely varied women's body parts.
“Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty I am free at last”
Objectifying and Chastity 3
HP,
I believe it is your will for us to be free of objectification (looking at women sexually), because it makes them feel “ weird”.
As we are sexually addicted, and thereby obsessed with sex, we cannot stop or control this behavior anymore than we can stop masturbating or cheating on our partners.
We desire to be surrendered to you, some people would say “obedient”.
Your will, more than anything else, is for us to be honest.
Honestly, we want you to totally take away our obsession with sex, manifesting here as objectification, like a Mighty Magician.
But you want us, after being honest, to be humble, and the simplest way to do that is to go to meetings and announce our day count.
It doesn’t have to be PrayerCall, but it does have to be specifically a strong, sex addiction program....where we can tell the truth about our Chastity.
Objectifying and Chastity 4
With the good weather out come the mid-riff tops, short-shorts, Prada sandals, Stilettos and red nail polish.
But, through prayer, we can sail through town like Iron Man.
Some think prayer is for little old people at Wednesday night Bingo games.
That is a bit short-sighted
It is nice being footloose and fancy free to walk our children up and down neighborhood streets and just enjoy people.
Thank you God for our freedom from objectification.
Objectifying and Chastity 5
Objectification and fantasy take people out of the world of shrieking toddlers, the fierce competition for money, the disappointments in love, the frustrations at work, and the self-dissipation of the body.
But, it also takes us out of the glory of our children's smiles, the warmth of our safe friends , the love flowing from service, and the knowable presence of God.
It’s a two edged sword.
“Ya pay ya nickel…and ya take your choice”
Help keep us chaste, Higher Power
Objectifying and Chastity 6
When you hear the terms objectification, fantasy and intrigue together you can get the impression that these behaviors are 1/3, 1/3 and 1/3.
But this isn’t true.
When, as Mick Jagger would say “I’m tryin' to make some girl”, we are aware we are doing that.
When we lie in bed and consciously imagine having sex with someone, we know what we're doing.
But, objectifying is much more pernicious.
When there is a police incident the first thing that the reporting officer asks you is “Was it a man or a woman?”.
Sexual description comes before race, age, height or physical characteristics in their identification process.
Because, it is the very first thing that you notice about a person.
So, when you are just crossing the street, and just don’t want to bump into someone, sex is the very first thing that registers.
That being the case, objectification is the thing that is most negatively impactful, in terms of bandwidth, in a sex addict's life, day in and day out.
But, prayer still works.
You know the drill, repeat after me…“Sister, may no harm come to you from me”.
Objectifying and Chastity 7
We work very hard on our bodies at PrayerCall.
The real reason is that “We are bodily and mentally different from our fellows”.
And because…”Any picture of the alcoholic which does not include the physical is incomplete”.
In all physical humility, we cannot maintain our serenity…without exercise.
But, we are sex addicts, too…and looking strong and healthy helps in attracting a better partner.
Running and pushups are the most efficacious ways to create and maintain good conformation.
The real acid test is…How do you look when you walk out on the beach for the first day of vacation?
You know...by who’s lookin’ at ya…
Now, it doesn’t take a social genius to figure out that we are not the only ones who have figured this out…This includes women.
When women walk out, or recline on the beach, they know, full well, that they are being watched by every male over the age of ten.
They are trying to be as attractive as they can…
Knowing that, as sex addicts in recovery, we can avoid the beach…or we can arm ourselves with prayer.
“Sister, may no harm come to you from me” is like a 45 in the Landing at Normandy, but we also have a back-up prayer.
If the “Sister Prayer” is insufficient, pray the first three steps, over and over, inserting the word “Objectification”:
I admit that I am powerless over objectification-that my life has become unmanageable.
I have come to believe that a Power Greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my will over to the care of God, as I understand God...will work very handily.
Objectifying and Chastity 8
HP,
We are so grateful to be free of objectification on beautiful, warm, sunny days.
The women are all dressed to be alluring, to attract mates, but you have made us impervious to them and therefore, free.
We enjoy our freedom from the mental illness of sexual obsession.
We are now average and normal....in a good way.
You have restored us to sanity…and we are humbly grateful to You.
Objectifying and Chastity 9
There is an old 12 step saw: “Resentment is the number one offender”.
But, long before there is the opportunity for resentment, there is anger.
Whenever we find ourselves reaching for objectification, almost invariably, it is because we are angry about something.
If we look at what caused the anger we find that we feel hurt about something.
That tells us that we use objectification to not feel hurt, and then masculinize that hurt, into anger.
There are healthier ways for us to deal with hurt....
Fantasy 1
My sponsor used to say “ Your mind can only hold one thought at a time”.
So, when my mind is thinking “It would be nice to be in a relationship”, it is not thinking about how I can be of unselfish service to others.
HP,
Please help me keep my mind pure. Help me keep my mind on service to others.
Amen
Fantasy 2
Invariably, when I have a “fantasy start” (that is, when there is an image, but I don’t allow it to become a movie) it is because I am falling back on a childhood tool to avoid one thing…Anger.
HP,
Help me to be a man, and honestly, feel my anger.
Amen
Fantasy 3
I was sexually abused by my mother when I was five, so I have a wire crossed in my head which, completely silently, says, “ Any woman that is nice to you…is open to having sex with you.”
I meet a number of new women every day of my life taking care of my two year old , at Preschool and at the various playgrounds I take him to.
Now guys, the very worst place to meet available women is in a playground.
Those women are totally mortgaged to their lovable children and can’t see you if you were Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt with $100 bills hanging out your back pockets.
But, I have to pray that tripwire in my head away, with “Sister may no harm come to you from me”.
Works perfectly…and I get a good, peaceful night’s sleep.
Fantasy 4
The thing I miss the most about my wife and I’s former relationship was not the sex, or even the sweet affection, both of which were heavenly, but rather the human warmth from caring about someone and being cared about in return.
That is gone and I accept it.
However, to either wistfully replay it in my head, or to imagine having that with someone new that I meet…is fantasy.
It takes me out of my real life.
That is not what is healthiest for me.
Rather, being grateful for what is real now is what I need most.
I have a beautiful two year old son, who needs a great deal of care.
I have a score of men friends who are striving their utmost to do God’s will, sacrificing their wants, daily, three hours at a time.
That is a truly remarkable thing…and I am grateful.
Fantasy 5
Fantasy does not take much to leak into a perfectly healthy mind and let sewage in.
Today, I simply counted the days I had until I was divorced…37 days.
I was surrounded by women at the time.
That tiny little aperture of thought, suddenly opened the door to objectification, and within two seconds, I was having to reel my mind back in with the “ Sister, May no harm come to you from me" prayer.
HP,
I pray that all my thoughts be pure and unselfish. I enjoy the freedom I experience from following your ways and I, in no way, want to jeopardize that sweet freedom. Please guide me when I am stupid. Amen
Fantasy 6
This is as instantaneous as objectification, but is more pernicious.
Why? Because every thought, image, feeling or memory of any female you have encountered is stored in your brain and can come to consciousness, unbidden, at any moment.
This is particularly tricky, because it appears as though it is in natural course of the human thought process.
Recent, conservative estimates are that men think about sex 19 times a day.
So, there you go. The “ Sister, May no harm come you you from me” prayer has to be pulled out 19 times a day…and that’s just for Fantasy.
Intrigue 1
Starting up conversations with beautiful women seems innocuous enough.
…but if I ask myself would I start the same conversation with a man… The answer could be no.
What is that about?.
In that case I am looking for attention from a beautiful woman…
And that is in intrigue.
God,
I have a belief that after being with you and after fathering, the best thing life has to offer is sexual love.
That is a false belief.
Unselfish service is better than sex. If that were not true AA and Gandhi’s teaching would be false.
Also, moderate creativity is more fun, because you create, as Otto Rank said, “ A second super real world”, like a child. That’s what my two year old son does.
Also, for me, if I had to choose only between running and sex…I would choose running.
These are five concrete examples of things that are better than sex.
Please help me remember these five things when I am walking down my street…and there is a beautiful woman.
“Sister…may no harm come to you from me.”
“Sister…may no harm come to you from me.”
“Sister…may no harm come to you from me.”
Intrigue 2
While objectification is more ubiquitous, intrigue is far more potent in throwing a sex addict out of equilibrium.
Why? Because a woman is making a direct, conscious effort to connect in a non-Platonic way.
When an addict is sober, healthy and free this is perfectly acceptable as “flirting”.
But an addict has to make instant judgments:
Am I sober and not committed to someone else, is obviously first.
But, then:
Is this woman involved with someone else?
Is this person a match? (Believe me, you will not be hit on by somebody way out of your league), so you have to decide, if they are right for you…otherwise, you are using them (I learned this through bitter, hateful, furious experience).
Is this the right time for me? You may be involved in school, a work project, raising children or an athletic or artistic project.
Lastly, the simple, mundane question: Am I attracted to this person?
Fortunately, this does not happen often…unless you are Tom Cruise.
A day count is the best way to stay honest.
Ask yourself “ Why am I not announcing my day count?
Intrigue 3
Intrigue is any conversation, look, or body language that would convey sexual interest in another person.
There is a time for that: When dating an appropriate person or starting to engage romantically with a committed partner.
But, 99.9% of the time that is a “No-No”, relationally.
Women sense intrigue, instantly, as describe it as “ It feels weird around him”.
For me, as my marriage is ending, and I want to have as relaxed, warm and friendly a relationship as possible with my soon to be ex, so that we stay, unselfishly, focused on the best interests of our two year old son, the slightest nuance of intrigue with her would destroy months of thoughtful groundwork laid, by both of us, in trying to eradicate the mistrust and fear that accompanies all divorces .
HP,
Keep me perfectly pure with my wife, in both my words and my thoughts.
Amen
Intrigue 4
Sometimes simple, common human communication can be misinterpreted as intrigue.
I spoke to a mother, sitting beside me in my two year old’s Pre-K orientation, and she kind of shuffled backwards.
I thought to myself “Really? Mentioning the bench we were all four sitting on sounded like intrigue to you?”
I need to be constantly vigilant in the purity of my motives, but I also need to realize that sometimes…”It’s their stuff”.
Objectification,Fantasy and Intrigue 1
Her are some signs that these things may be making your life unmanageable:
“You are never sure of your life”.
Not knowing God’s will around Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy can keep you guessing all your life: Should I be dating now? Is this the right partner for me? Maybe I should be with someone else?
The only way to be “sure of my life”, as a sex addict, is to know God’s will and do it.
Then you don’t have to worry…
“The sights you see will drive you mad.”
This is the perfect description of the emotional consequences of objectification…followed by this beautiful, spiritual nail in the coffin:
“You will have an anxious mind, eyes weary with longing, and a despairing heart.”
How many times have you felt this when you saw a woman that you were sure would satisfy the interminable longing inside you…and yet you knew, full well, you didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of being in an equal, loving relationship with her?
But, even if you could endure unsureness, anxiousness, weariness, despair and straight out madness associated with Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy how many of us could live with:
“ And you will be unsuccessful in everything you do”.?
None of us, as males, can accept ourselves as failures, so we just deny that our failures in life have anything to do with Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy.
It’s a lie that we tell ourselves, because we still think we can get what we want…and be winners.
For me, I want to be successful in what I do in my life around:
Athletics
Food
Fathering
Finances
Friendships
Teaching
and Music
If these above words, which are not mine, are true, then I must first get right with God …sexually.
And that includes….Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy
Objectification,Fantasy and Intrigue 2
Objectification, Intrigue and Fantasy are not your will for me.
Masturbation and affairs are never your will for me.
Sex, love, romance and relationship are not your will for me…today.
Your will for me, today, is to be happy, joyous and free.
Objectification, Intrigue, Fantasy, Masturbation and Affairs always make me suffer.
Sex, love, romance and relationship, if it is your will, and if I do it your way, are just fine.
But calling addicts, going to meetings and writing literature makes me happy, joyous and free…always, everyday.
Objectification,Fantasy and Intrigue 3
These above 12 syllables are used describe one word…Lust!
Lust is…a demand for more.
Lust for more money is Greed.
Lust for more food is Gluttony,
Lust for more leisure is Sloth.
Lust for more power is Wrath.
Lust for more glory is Envy.
Lust for being right is Pride.
AA says “ Try to want what you have…instead of trying to get what you want”.
Middle Circle 1
There are 168 hours in the week.
If you masturbate 30 minutes a day, seven days a week (with no time off for good behavior) that’s less than 2% of the week.
AA says we drink because “ We don’t live life on life’s terms”.
How does that translate sexually?
98% of the time, if we are intriguing with someone online, at work or at the gym, objectifying as we walk down the street, watching movies or noticing ads, or fantasizing (The Sexaholics actually say that we can do that in our sleep)…then we are not “ Living life on life’s terms”…and we will reach for the 2% of physically “ acting out”caused by that 98% that we have allowed to roll around in our heads.
Being sexually sober is not masturbating and not cheating on your partner, but if you want to be sober, and stay sober, you have to deal with the stuff when nobody else is watching: fantasy, intrigue and especially…objectification.
Middle Circle II
For 25 years I have attended the largest men’s SAA meeting in San Francisco.
It is home for the most sexually sober men of the 3.3 million Bay Area population.
They have a sobriety definition that they read, each week, which clearly denounces the idea of lust as being a necessary component to sobriety.
This sobriety definition was written by a man named Jim M. from Los Angeles and is used, exclusively, in California.
I understand their need to distinguish themselves from Sexaholics Anonymous, who bitterly and fiercely oppose homosexuality, but just as bitterly and fiercely oppose Lust.
But, have they gone too far?
Lust IS objectification, fantasy and intrigue.
I may not be masturbating or cheating on my partner, but how sober could I be if I am knawed to my marrow with Lust?
The Ancient Jews would say “ Be thee holy, as I am holy”.
Can you really see God, in the garden, eaten up with Lust…I don’t think so.
Middle Circle III
HP
I am so grateful to you for “ removing the obsession”.
One of the great things about not objectifying, not intriguing and not fantasizing is that, since my mind is not locked up in it’s own selfishness, that I notice, not just my own feelings, but other people’s feelings.
This gives me social cues on how to respond.
If someone is feeling afraid, I can encourage.
Hurt…I can console
Despondent…I can make them laugh.
Objectification, fantasy and intrigue have absolutely nothing to do with our physically acting out, but they are 98% of the illness.
I want to be completely free of the disease…
Middle Circle IV
When I am free from objectification, fantasy and intrigue I notice I am free from something else.
I am free of my pitiless, merciless self-demandingness.
When I am in Middle Circle I feel, within me, some shame...because I know I am doing something wrong.
To remain in balance, I feel a need to counter that shame with doing something superhuman.
Could this be what drove my childhood heroes Jack Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr...who were both notorious womanizers?