Chastity Offices I

Chastity Offices - these are selections from all my books to help men be chaste for a “Finite Period”.

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Chastity Office 1

The Seven Steps of Celibacy

1) I accept that there is power within me

2) I sing, discipline my body, pray and meditate…everyday

3) I feel all my feelings...and share them where it is wise to

4) I am open to feedback from trustworthy people

5) I confront and set boundaries with others

6) I accept my limits

7) I laugh

 

Chastity Office 2

“There is no time like the present.”
Joan of Arc

"For some of us, however, there is no passage to life, only from one stage of dying to another. Too few lessons have been learned, too little wisdom has been gained for the wound to heal. There is nothing natural or guaranteed about a springtime of the spirit."

"Behind every marvelous tale of death – left– behind is a common theme of peak moments. These peak moments may occur as long as we live. Or they may not. Perhaps we'd better make a decision someday sooner than tomorrow."

"Healthy living demands enough of a central focus that something gets finished once it gets started.  Lacking this we often return to fight the same battle once again."

 

Chastity Office 3

We have only one slogan…”Celibacy, Service and Laughter”
 
 
Chastity Office 4

"To achieve chastity, be prepared to lose everything. Chastity is a ravaging force to which nothing seems sacred or inviolate. It rips to shreds the structures and foundations I built in weakness and ignorance."
 The Courage to Heal

"Talk doesn't cook rice."
DOH,DOJ

“There are those who choose to live like eunuchs to know the kingdom of heaven. If you can accept it, accept it”.
 Matthew 19:11

“Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings."
“Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others”.
 Solomon

“When should you have sex with a woman? When you want to lose the strength you have”.
 Pythagorus

“Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like”.
“A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary sexuality”.
"Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the vow."
 Gandhi

Chastity Office 5

The Celibate Promises:

1) We will be more available to our children

2) We will be more present and productive at work.

3) We will become stronger and more supple.

4) Our financial situations will clear up.

5) Our artistic and “spiritual” aspirations will be realized.

6) Self-draining sexual/romantic relationships will suddenly wither and die

7) We will have more clarity, intuition and personal power.

8) We will have more fun.

9) We will finally...relax

 

Chastity Office 6

The Promises of Chastity

Efficient perceptions of reality…We have the ability to judge situations correctly and honestly. We are very sensitive to the dishonest. Rather than being fearful of things that are different or unknown, we are able to view things logically and rationally.

Comfortable acceptance of self and others...We accept ourselves and others as they are. We tend to lack inhibition, are able to enjoy ourselves, and live our lives guilt free. We accept, with humor and tolerance, our own human nature with all its flaws, the shortcomings of others, and the contradictions of the human condition. Other people are treated the same regardless of their background, race, culture, or socio-economic status.

Spontaneity…We extend our creativity into our everyday activities. We tend to be unusually alive, engaged and spontaneous. We follow generally accepted social expectations, but do not feel confined by these norms and are spontaneous in our internal thoughts and our external behaviors. We are open and unconventional.

Task centering…We are motivated by a strong sense of personal ethics and responsibility, applying our problem-solving skills to real-world situations and helping other people improve their own lives. Each of us has a mission, outside of ourselves, to pursue and fulfill in life.

Autonomy...We are free from reliance on external authorities or other people. We tend to be resourceful and independent. We do not conform to other people's ideas of happiness or contentment.

Continued freshness of appreciation…We constantly renew our appreciation of life's basic goodness. A sunset will be experienced as intensely, with the same wonder and awe, every time, as it was the first time. We live in the moment and appreciate the beauty of each experience.

Fellowship with humanity…We will feel a deep identification with others and the human situation in general and yet, we feel we are an important part of humanity.

Profound interpersonal relationships…Our interpersonal relationships are marked by deep loving bonds and we grieve appropriately with their closure.

Comfort with solitude…Despite our satisfying relationships with others, we value solitude and are comfortable being alone. It is essential for us to have time to focus on personal discovery and for cultivating our individual potential.

Non-hostile sense of humor…We have the wonderful capacity to laugh at ourselves and situations but do not shame others with this capacity.

Peak experiences…We have frequent occurrences of peak experiences. These experiences are marked by feelings of ecstasy, harmony, and deep meaning. We will feel at one with the universe, filled with its beauty and goodness, feeling simultaneously more powerful yet more helpless, feeling stronger yet more calm than ever before. Afterwards, we have the conviction that something extremely important and valuable has happened to us, so that we are transformed and strengthened in our daily lives by each such experience.

We have the gifts of...clarity, intuition, personal power in relationships, resilience and visions…

 

Chastity Office 7 "Chastity is King"

Psalm 21 Excerpt:

1 O LORD, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give!

2 You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips. "Selah"

3 You welcomed him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.

4 He asked you for life, and you gave it to him--length of days, for ever and ever.

5 Through the victories you gave, his glory is great; you have bestowed on him splendor and majesty.

6 Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.

7 For the king trusts in the LORD; through the unfailing love of the Most High he will not be shaken.

 

 

 

Chastity Office 8

Chastity Beliefs:

When I choose chastity, just for today, I have attained my highest goal of self-love.

I am as close to myself as I can be.

I have a gift I can give God that brings me closer to Him, personally.

I am fully realized, self-actualized, enlightened and mighty.

My whole life, up to this point, makes sense.

Then...I can wear my recovery "Like a loose garment".

 

Chastity Office 9

December 6, 2021

Day #33 in chastity.

I am loving this chastity period:

The obsession with food has been lifted.

…up at 4:00am instead of noon. Going to bed at 10:00pm instead of 1:00am

Practicing 3.75 hours a day

Writing, arranging, studying, rehearsing, performing, producing and teaching music for hours and hours, each day.

Raised my teaching and producing rates 20%.

I asked my wife how she would feel about, when we decide to end this chastity period, that we have a three day plan to re-enter active sexuality.

I don’t want to frivolously end this period in a teenage fit of passion. It has already been too painful, too costly, emotionally, to just casually toss it away. That’s what I used to do…have sex without giving it a second thought.

Chastity is King…

Chastity Office 10

Ellen Bass, in the Courage to Heal, says that the whole book is about "Improving self-esteem".

If it is true that chosen chastity improves self-esteem more than any other activity, then chosen chastity would help sex addicts improve their self-esteem more than any other activity.

That is my experience.

It is also my experience that the part of me that esteems myself is also the same part that intrigues, objectifies and fantasizes. And I can't do both things with that same part.

Therefore, lust (through intrigue, objectification, and fantasy) destroys my high self-esteem.

Chastity Office 11

The first time I saw porn I was 12 years old and was digging around the loft of our rented barn to lift a bale of hay where one of the neighborhood boys had stashed a copy of Playboy.

I had never seen anything like that. The pictures were so glossy, the women were so naked and the poses on various automobiles were confusingly ludicrous.

The next day I looked again and it was gone.

Strangely, I would not see porn again for ten years until I was a messenger at a surgical hospital.

It transfixed me, and I wouldn’t see it again for yet another 10 years, when my first wife would give me a VHS video cassette copy of three porn films that she had had copied, from her sister’s husband, as a Christmas present.

I used it for maybe a year and a half...By that time I could overlook the stupidity of the content of porn as an actual film.

All this was before the internet...Then I got into sex addiction recovery.

The truth is that I did not need images to stimulate me. I had a lurid, vivid, creative imagination.

But, I was stone-cold addicted to masturbation.

I did it every day, not long, ten minutes or so.

But it felt violent, vicious, ripping and tearing through my boundaries, extinguishing my self-esteem, self-drop-kicking myself into two days of depression...every single time.

Nothing beat me so bad in my life like masturbation...except drinking.

 

Chastity Office 12

When in conflict, a really good prayer is “In chastity lies the protection of the body, the mind and the soul”.

I feel protected when I hear that prayer, like when I hear “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies”, or, “Your rod and your staff they comfort me”.

Of course, I have to practice chastity for the prayer to mean anything to me.

While in conflict, my need for safety, my need for love-and-belonging and my need for esteem-of-others is not met by the other person, because they are too busy protecting themselves.

To make up for that deficit of love from the other person, I can love myself...by choosing finite chastity.

Seems like a small price to pay...for emotional safety.

 

Chastity Office 13

What would I do differently if I accepted a vow of chastity, just for today, starting today?

I would:

Practice breath prayer

Discipline my mind to choose a positive attitude

Do more exercise

Make sure my food was as clean as I could make it

Create amateur art as a creative "outer circle"

Transmute all  the energy of intrigue, objectification and fantasy...to prayer.

And go to PrayerCall a lot

Chastity Office 14

Finding my soul in chastity

Lord, help me to feel my soul...

Socrates and Plato both believed that the soul was housed about the solar plexus.

If that is true, I will breathe in deeply and repeatedly, and try to locate my soul within me.

Lord, help me to feel my soul..

When I want to eat something I'm not supposed to eat...help me feel my soul within me.

When I want to drink something I'm not supposed to drink...help me feel my soul within me.

When I start to reach for 'sex, love, romance, or relationship', unhealthily...help me feel my soul within me.

"The kingdom of God is within" says the gospel of Luke

If my soul is not the kingdom of God…Then what is?

Lord, help me, just for today, to feel my soul...Amen

Chastity Office 15

Chastity is my personal highest spiritual goal today.

I have an attitude of gratitude around chastity.

I am humbly grateful to have received this gift.

I am grateful to have the wisdom to be alone.

I am grateful I no longer feel lonely or needy around being alone.

I am grateful to have developed the skills of being with myself.

I believe I am the very best I can be when I choose chastity.

When I empty my mind and body of lust, I become open to being filled with love...

Chastity Office 16

I surrender sex, love, romance and relationship, just for today.

I will use my sexual energy to serve others and take care of myself in an "enlightened self-interest" sort of way.

I will be grateful for the things I have.

I will pray often throughout the day.

I will practice mercy and forgiveness, with myself and others.

I will meditate and try to ascertain God's will for me.

I will not take myself too seriously.

I will be gentle with myself.

When I objectify I will pray "Sister, may no harm come to you from me".

If I want to fantasize I will pray "Sister, may no harm come to you from me" to the object of my fantasy.

When I want to intrigue I will pray "Sister, may no harm come to you from me".

I will call others on the phone and check in how I am feeling.

I will relax.

I will be grateful that my sexual energy is so strong and that I can channel it in positive, creative and useful ways.

I will have a positive attitude.

I will work on my cardio, strength, endurance and flexibility today. As Gandhi says "As with the body, so with the Universe".

I will practice being content with my soul.

 

Chastity Office 17

Help me to be unselfish, just for today.

Help me not to see women as objects of my sexual desire, just for today.

Help me not to see women as possibilities to meet my own neediness for emotional safety, love and belonging or esteem (validation), just for today.

Help me not see women as occasions for romantic or relational intrigue, just for today.

Help me not see women as people who might meet my desire for affection or for company, just for today.

Help me not see women as objects of love that may complete an emptiness within me, just for today.

Help me see women, as I see men, as people to serve, just for today.

Chastity Office 18

As Lao Tze would say, “Help me on this journey of mightiness (health).”

Help me conquer myself, just for today.

Help me have a "springtime of the spirit"

Help me first, to be satisfied in conquering myself and secondly, to know peace, through experiencing my soul.

Help me to surrender my thoughts, to breathe in deeply and to experience my soul as often as I can today.

Now that I am free, help me build a new life, doing what you want me to do.

Help me to surrender anything that would distract me from my soul.

Help me to remember that as I change myself, I change the world.

Help me to remember when Al-anon quotes Blaise Pascal "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

Today I will look for love within myself….gentle, positive, accepting.

Give me courage to act and wisdom to know when to act.

Help me to be positive, gentle and accepting of myself all day long today.

 

Chastity Office 19

The mind cannot do this. The body cannot do this. Not even the heart can do this. They are the wrong portals

It is only through the soul that I can know peace, although peace may shine forth in the other three.

How to access this portal?

Through the breath, the root of all spirituality, with the mind focusing (if Socrates is correct) on the solar plexus.

Concentrate, breathe and repeat...

Chastity Office 20

HP, help me to:

Celebrate

Revel in my new life

Embrace my freedom from illness

Enjoy my freedom from relational, health, legal, or moral problems

Do something fun today

Sing a song of joy

Clap my hands

"Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music"

Chastity Office 21

As one of my highest order needs, the need for contentment comes from being what I want to be.

Help me to want something I can achieve, so that I will feel content.

Help what I want to be sane and attainable, so that I may feel content.

While service makes me feel happy, joyous and free, feeling content is different.

Help what I want to have, do, or be, be reasonable, just and sane, so that having attained it, I am content with myself.

Help what I want to be modest, so that it is attainable, so that I may obtain contentment .

 

Chastity Office 22

HP,Help me as I surrender all women to you, just for today.

Help me as I fast and feel hungry for parts of this day.

Help me as I pray assiduously to you throughout the day.

Help me to forgive myself for my sins.

Help me to give love instead of trying to get love.

Help me to laugh as much as possible.

Help me to eat healthy foods today.

Help me to exercise some today.

Help me to set boundaries, announce limits, feel my feelings, and meet my needs.

Help me have a positive and grateful attitude.

Help me to accept my life as it is by being positive.

 

Chastity Office 23

I will have mercy on myself.

I have mercy on the child I was as a boy.

I mercifully wash away the guilt I feel for what I did as a youth.

I am cleansed of my sin as God's tenderness flows through my merciful heart.

I am new.

I will protect the new me, as I am tender.

Guide me Lord in my new life, Amen.

 

Chastity Office 24

There are not a lot of great stories in the New Testament, like there are in the Old Testament, but, there are lot of beautiful, memorable, poetic phrases that pretty much describe the beauty of chastity:

 

I have found the "Pearl of great price"

I have found the "Kingdom of God"

I have found the "Kingdom of heaven"

I have found "Eternal life"

I am no longer a "House divided"

I am no longer a "Kingdom divided"

I am no longer "Serving two masters"

and this non-Biblical chestnut: "Free at last, free at last…Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!"

Chastity Office 25

I have come for me

Help me to unbaffle and uncunn myself

Help me to walk like a King

Forgive my sins

Renew my youth like an eagle

Help me to breathe deeply today

Help me to exercise hard for my heart

Remove my character defect of lust, please

Help me to feel my soul so that I feel that I have enough.

Chastity Office 26

I must:

Fight for my chastity, when necessary

Strive for absolute honesty

Strive for absolute purity

Strive for absolute love

Strive for absolute unselfishness

Be merciful and forgiving when I fall short of absolute perfection.

Chastity Office 27

Help me be gentle with myself when I fail.

Help me to be as merciful to myself as a great father would be to his child.

Help me to encourage myself.

Help me to have faith in myself.

Help me to be proud of my courage.

Help me to love myself today by taking the actions of love, having an attitude of gratitude and contentment, believing beliefs that are positive, gentle and accepting, thinking hopefully and feeling everything I feel.

 

Chastity Office 28

Slogans to help you stay chaste one more day:

Don't be like the horse or the mule..

I surrender my right to be sexual

A vow of chastity...just for today

No sex except to create children

Surrender!!!

Matthew 19:11-12

Chastity Office 29

Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the vow.

There are those who choose to live like eunuchs to know the kingdom of heaven. If you can accept it, accept it.

Acceptance is being positive.

Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings.

Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others.

When should you have sex with a woman? When you want to lose the strength you have.

A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary incontinence.

Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like.

Have mercy on me Lord, a sinner.

Sister may no harm come to you from me.

Cling to the Lord and cry out for mercy.

Celibacy, service and laughter.

Chastity is happiness.

Knowing your soul...brings peace.

Chastity Office 30

The Highest Jesus every thought was the Sermon on the Mount.

The Highest Gandhi ever thought was non-violence.

The Highest I have ever thought is Celibacy, Service and Laughter.

Being in touch with my soul…is higher than anything I have ever thought.

 

Chastity Office 31

Help me to take care of myself in chastity.

I will feel more.

Hurt is one of the feelings I will feel more.

When I feel hurt help me to remember that I need my anger more to protect me from feeling victimized, which is the number one addictive trigger to cause failure at chastity.

I am going to feel angry more…or I am not going to make it.

I commit to feel my anger…

Chastity Office 32

Chastity-Suffering and Character building:

“But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness.”

“Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not.”

“We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering.”

“Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.”

As a child, the suffering I experienced was at my parents' hands, so I revolt at the injustice of that suffering. But I am a man now.

I can choose to suffer (which simply means that I feel the meta-feeling of hurt, needy, sad and lonely).

When I surrender what I want (which is to be sexual right now) I can build my character…I can “Man up”…one day at a time.

 

Chastity Office 33

While there are many, many things to do to become enlightened, to walk through that door, for me, with my mindset… I can only enter through chastity.

Chastity Office 34

HP, I am challenged in my life today.

Help me to remember that when I am challenged I have a tool which clarifies my mind, incites intuition, gives me personal power in relationships, and most preciously, resilience in relationship and that ultimate gift of self-love is...chastity.

Gandhi said “Suffice it to say that with the gradual disappearance of the carnal appetite my domestic life became and is becoming more and more peaceful, sweet and happy”.

Chastity is also the key to my soul and in knowing my soul…I do not need anything else to fulfill me.

Chastity Office 35

My path, for me, is as a chaste, living foodist.

After that...I accept life

 

Chastity Office 36

HP, help me to be grateful that I am free from:

1. Alcohol
2. Drugs
3. Cigarettes
4. Coffee
5. Masturbation/Affairs
6. Fat
7. ACA
8. Coda
9. Narcissism
10. Alanon
11. Anon-anonism
12. Victimhood
13. Workaholism
14. Debting
15. Underearning
16. Gambling
17. Artistic and Mystical Preoccupations
18. Love Addiction
19. Romance Addiction
20. Relationship Addiction
21. Sexaholism
22. Media Addiction

Chastity Office 37

“In brahmacharya lies the protection of the body the mind and the soul”.
_Gandhi

It is true. I feel:

More resilient socially

More energetic

More athletic

Have a purer, more serene mind

Am more attentive to business

More intuitively in touch with my Higher Power

Stronger

More artistic

More fun loving

 

Chastity Office 38

Gandhi says food affects sexuality.

Healthy Food Benefits:

Lust diminishes

Sexual shame from negative body image disappears

Clothes fit

Feel muscular curvature in abdomen

Mind is more relaxed, harmonious

Thoughts more integrated and quicker

Breathe more deeply, easily and smoothly

Headaches, pinpointed and full cranial, vanish

Skin clears up

Joints stop aching

Chastity Office 39

“A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary incontinence”.
_Gandhi

Incontinence in this sense means “Failure to restrain sexual appetite”.

Is that really true? Does sex make you weak? Do you really lose your strength?

Pythagorus, Plato, Gandhi and that great philosopher Rocky Balboa thought so.

Now, honestly, I never noticed any energy loss when I had major alcohol, pills, caffeine or tobacco rollin’ through my system. I was just too dumb-numbed to notice much except orgasm.

There are two kinds of loss.

The first accompanies doing something I know full well is wrong, like cheating on my wife or masturbating. I then feel “Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization”.  That is the stuff sex addiction programs deal with.

But that is not what Gandhi is talking about.

He is saying that there is some energy inside a man’s body, kind of like two cylinders of an eight cylinder engine, that when I employ my body for sexual activity that that energy is not available for other activities.

It’s just physics...nothing personal.

Chastity Office 40

Jesus only mentions sex three times: Once warning about divorce, once warning about objectifying  and then this curious, very little utilized, passage: "There are those who choose to live like eunuchs to know the kingdom of heaven. If you can accept it, accept it”.

Eunuchs are people who don’t have sex and there are, according to him, three kinds:

1. People born that way
2. People who are made that way: Members of the ancient Chinese Emperor’s staff, Italian Castrato (young boys who sang very high parts in operas during the mid 16th century) and various felons who were being punished, typically for sexual crimes
3. And then...people who want to know the Kingdom of heaven

Now wait a minute...You mean to say first of all that there really is a kingdom of heaven... and then you say that to know it I must give up sex!

Yeah, that’s pretty much Jesus’ observation.

Are you crazy? I don’t want to give up sex...

But, on the other hand, if this is true, I don’t miss the boat on the kingdom of heaven, either.

What can I do?

There is a way to have both...“Finite periods of chastity”. A minimum of 60 days is what my sponsor taught me.

60 days abstinence ain’t bad...to get the kingdom of God

 

Chastity Office 41

‘’Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like”.
_Gandhi

This may be the harshest thing I’ve ever heard Gandhi say.

Although the last part is rather obviously true, for me, if I am honest.

When I feel sexual desire coursing through me, I feel my body move into a “hunter” mode...even though I am acting very, very refined, delicate, boundaried, appropriate and safe.

So that’s fair...

How about insipid?

That word means “Lacking flavor”.

In truth, when I am chaste every one of my senses are heightened.

Also, when I am chaste, I feel more deeply, my life is more finely tuned and my judgement is more accurate.

So, what is the opposite of “Heightened senses”, “ Feeling life more deeply” and “Perceiving life more finely”?

Insipid...

Yeah, so he’s probably right...

So, how do I process and integrate this truth into my marriage?

I balance an active, passionate, physical, tender, playful sex life with: “Finite chastity periods” (typically a 60 day minimum).

Chastity Office  42

“Chastity is happiness”.

If chosen, finite, chastity raises self-esteem in a sex addict more efficaciously than any other action, and it does...then chastity paves the way for the freedom of happiness.

 

Chastity Office 43

“Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the chastity vow”.
_Gandhi

Why does that work?

Because when I am super hungry...A pretty girl is not near as interesting as a broiled steak.

Chastity Office 44

“Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others”.
_Proverbs 5:8

When I am doing a 60 day celibacy period, it may be a good idea to keep some distance from my beloved...if I am feeling vulnerable.

As Gandhi would say, “Renunciation without aversion is not lasting”.

AA would say, “If you keep hanging around a barbershop...you are going to end up getting a haircut”.

Chastity Office 45

“Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings”.
_Proverbs 31:3

Well, I am no king, but I certainly don’t want to be “Ruined”.

During this “Finite period of chastity” with my wife I have enjoyed: a strong energy boost, more productivity, better sense of humor, better health, more exercise and more social resilience.

I don’t want to give that up today.

 

Chastity Office 46

“When should you have sex with a woman?...When you want to lose the strength you have”.
_Pythagorus

I want to be strong in relationships, to take care of myself, to keep my boundaries, so as not to feel victimized.

I want to be strong physically: cardiovascular, flexibility, strength, endurance and conformation.

I want to be strong financially so I can take care of myself, my wife and my son.

I want to be strong spiritually and that means being honest and loving, with myself, God and others.

Chastity Office 47

“Celibacy, Service and Laughter”

What actions bring you closest to God?

Living “One day at a time”?

“Letting go and letting God”?

Practicing “Be grateful” or “Easy does it”?

For me, there are three things that I can do to increase the probability that I will feel God in my life:

   1. Practice celibacy: This means no genital contact with myself or others. “Hard celibacy”, or more commonly called, “Chastity”, also includes no objectification, no fantasy and no intrigue.

   2. Service: This has to be addiction-specific to work. That is, if I’m a sex addict I have to help sex addicts get sober. If I am an alcoholic I have to help alcoholics not to drink. It can’t be that I help an old lady across the street or that I find a stray puppy and take him home. That’s nice…But it won’t stop addiction, because there’s no humility involved with that.

   3. Laughter: There is an expression in 12 step, “If you haven’t got joy…you haven’t got anything I want”.

Laughter is the perfect expression of joy. It shows that you can be joyous even when you’re not perfect.

In that sense, laughter is the perfect expression of God’s presence for people who grew up with an attitude of merciless self-demandingness...as all addicts do.

“Celibacy, Service and Laughter” is a prayer that I use as a silent chant throughout the day, if I feel rattled.

The initials “C.S.L.” are emblazoned, in abalone pearl, on the 20th fret of my Martin guitar, so that every time I look down while I’m playing I can be reminded of how I can best get to God...I need a lot of reminders because I forget God a lot.

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“Sister may no harm come to you from me”.

This prayer is my first line of defense against objectifying if I see a beautiful woman in person, in a magazine, a movie, online or on a billboard.

It’s also my first defense against fantasy. If an image of a former partner pops up from my subconscious I can defeat it with this prayer.

Thirdly, if I want to intrigue-sexualize conversations with women-I can stop myself with this prayer.

But, this prayer is good for other things besides defending my middle circle (or boundaries).

When someone does something wrong to me, particularly if not provoked, I feel hurt and have a hard time not “re-senting” the injury.

Resentment comes from the French verb “Sentire” which means to feel.

So, I feel the hurt over and over, and it is hard for me to let it go.

But, if I pray this prayer for the person who has hurt me...I am able to let go of the hurt.

Of course the prayer works as well in the masculine gender, “Brother may no harm come to you from me”, but it also works in the first person as well as the third person.

If I am doing self-destructive things, instead of, as Gandhi suggests self-restrained things, I can pray this prayer to myself, for myself: “Steve, may no harm come to you from me”.

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“Chastity is contentment”.

“I see problems that I didn’t see before”.

When I came in to recovery 40 years ago this June (2020) all I could see was that I was hung over all the time from drinking too much.

It didn’t occur to me for eight years that pills and pot might be causing me problems, too.

Once I got clean and sober I wanted to lose some weight because I was 60 pounds heavier than I am now. I started by giving up sugar.

I couldn’t have heard that about needing to give up sugar eight years before. I would’ve thought you were crazy if you had suggested that to me , or at least a know-it-all, controlling, busy body.

But, I lost that weight 32 years ago and I’m glad that I’ve lived my life as a thin man.

I was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, coughing so hard I would wake myself up at night.

So, eight years into recovery, the cigarettes and the food were problems I just couldn’t see before that time.

That process of ridiculously slow discovery of problems that needing work would go on for four decades and include things like masturbation, affairs, debting, overworking and many others, but....

There is something completely unique about surrendering all sex.

You cross a line when you do that.

That line crosses into the realm, not of health (which is what all 12 Step programs address)...but of holiness and you get to try out something that some interesting people tried like:

Mohammed Ali (for six weeks before a title fight)

Saint Augustine

Gandhi

Jesus

Pythagoras

Joan of Arc

Leonardo da Vinci

Pythia...The Oracle of Delphi

Now the air is too thin for me to stay in that exalted spiritual state long, but I love to climb that mountain from time to time (and I am very, very happily married).

Why? Because “Chastity is contentment”...

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“Chastity is peace”.

There is an attitude of self-demandingness, below the level of self-pity, which drives me mercilessly, madly on, like those armies who’ve decided to attack Mother Russia in the winter snow.

As Bill W. would say in the Big Book p.4: “The old fierce determination to win came back”.

This attitude comes from a conversation with my father when I was 12.

He took me to a pretty creek and was going to give me the “Birds and Bees” talk. He started by saying, “Is there anything you want to know about?”

I, naively, said “Yes. I’d like to know about that brown liquid you are drinking”.

He tried to recover his composure, but was clearly stung deeply with a sense of shame.

In trying to explain his current behavior he said that “No matter what we do, we can always do better.”

As Bill Wilson would say, from that moment “The drive for success was on”.
Big Book p.2

That would be the seed, for  me, that would grow into a life long pursuit of absolute perfection. That’s the bad news.

Here’s the good news...“Chastity is peace”.

Looking back, my father’s shame was not motivated by drinking...but by his sexual behavior.

And the best way to eradicate sexual shame, at least initially, is through chastity.

“Chastity is peace”.

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“Control of the palate is very closely connected with the observance of celibacy.

I have found from experience that the observance of celibacy becomes comparatively easy if one acquires mastery over the palate.

This does not figure among the observances of time-honored recognition.

Could it be because even the great sages found it difficult to achieve?”

Gandhi is saying that even for the most spiritually gifted sages of all time controlling what, and how much, food, goes in your belly is hard to do.

It was absolutely pivotal for my recovery.

I was just stuck in third gear for a long, long time.

Conquering the food kicked my recovery into overdrive.

And now I am free...

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Today completes my 17th, 60 day (or more) chastity period in the last 31.5 years.

It was not the longest. That was 4 years.

Or even second longest. That was 19 months.

It was not the cleanest, as the many ones when I was alone and when I was considering doing the Gandhi thing by staying chaste, jumping out of planes, day trading and being a living foodist the rest of my life.

It was not the stupidist one. That was the one in 94 when I was having non-orgasmic sex five times a day, thought I might have impregnated my partner, and as she was driving away to the clinic to see if we were having a baby I realized I was going to have a hard time explaining to the boys in SLAA how I was being chaste and got my new girlfriend pregnant.

It was not the hardest 60 days to get. That was the first one in 1990. It took me 23 months of really, really trying to get those 60 days. That one was the most transformative. It was the one that really convinced me of the power of chastity.

It wasn’t the most revealing one. That was my third one when I gladly went into chastity (leaving my first partner in sexual sobriety after 2 1/2 years) expecting to be as close to God as I was in the first two...and God took a cab on me...and made me grow up and learn to love myself.

It wasn’t the most salvaging one. That was my 7th one that helped me leave my beloved borderline-personality-disordered-sexually-addicted-red-headed-psychic who was ruining my life with her ultra-craziness.

It wasn’t even my wife and I’s first one. We did our first one while touring  Southeast Asia two years ago.

But it was the first one where I believed I was recovered, not recovering, which felt as strange and lonely as I imagine that the first fish that reached the shore to become the first amphibian felt.

It was the one that launched the new Strength Offices. The Mercy Offices being designed, initially, to help develop chastity. The Strength Office aimed at what life is like recovered...and laughing more.

Each chastity period is radically unique, in my experience.

I will never stop practicing “finite chastity periods” as long as I live. I love the power...

I want to thank my wife for participating in an activity which must seem uselessly difficult for apparently no good reason whatsoever. Thanks, really thanks.

 

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Grieving is appropriate for the end of a chastity period.

While there is great physical joy and emotional love (hopefully) with a loving, passionate and playful wife, there are also the feelings of grief that accompany loss of clarity, power and strength that Gandhi, Pythagorus, The Book of Proverbs and Plato so eloquently speak.

As with all things, it’s a matter of attitude. A positive attitude is part of mental health.

I am grateful to have written over 100 Strength Offices, to have kept immune system strong during this world health challenge, to have maintained my “recovered-ness”, to have learned new musical techniques, to have read many books and picked up a new hobby with my wife...hiking during this chastity period.

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Flirting is middle circle.

That’s where I present myself as funny, cute, adorable, sexy, brilliant and entertaining to a female.

I am saying “ Pick me!”, “I am the one you should have sex with”.

You gotta do it, and do it well, if you want to successfully have sex with a female. 

But, there is nothing chaste about that…nothing.

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For Matt D. Continuation of Discussion of Gandhi’s Legacy 

I have done such stupid things in chastity: being non-orgasmic and calling that chastity, perusing dating sites when I was trying to be alone, dating women who were self-described nymphomaniacs…but, on the other hand: 

Thomas Jefferson had a slave/lover Sally he denied.

Martin Luther King was a notorious womanizer.

JFK had numerous affairs including Marilyn Monroe.

Bill Wilson cheated on his wife for 15 years.

King David slept with a 12 year old virgin when he was 70.

Saint Augustine was betrothed to a 10 year old.

And yes, Gandhi slept naked with young girls after his wife died.

And yet, each one of these men helped me at some point and I am truly grateful.

I hope my own stupidity will be judged mercifully…and maybe with a loving sense of humor.

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The Big Book refers to a state of “ Neutrality “.

“We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.”

Is that possible for sex addicts? Yes, it is.

What would you give for that kind of freedom?

What if it cost you some Chastity time? What if it cost you a lot of Chastity time?

Would that kind of freedom be worth it, to you?

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“If it ain’t broke…don’t fix it”

If Chastity is keeping you away from:

The drug-riddled, sexual slavery, crime organization of the Porn Industry 

Getting caught by your wife cheating on her through your emails or texts 

Having someone walk in and catching you masturbating 

Then maybe it ain’t broke…

and maybe it don’t need fixin’

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For Matt D….on Gandhi’s fiercest expression 

I have never fully understood what Gandhi meant when he said “ Life without celibacy is insipid and animal-like.”

I have always felt horrorstruck at the political incorrectness of this, or at least the insensitivity to those of us trying to do God’s will by raising children and keep the species going, or just the flack from raised hackles by guys with current girlfriends.

But the reason I didn’t understand was that I didn’t really know what the word Insipid meant.

Insipid has two meanings:

Lacking in taste…like something that tastes like cardboard. I knew that definition.

But it also means:

“Boring”…I did not know that definition.

Merriam-Webster says:

What is an insipid person?

: lacking in qualities that interest, stimulate, or challenge : dull, flat.

Here are some synonyms about insipid people:

• bland 
• boring
• dull 
• vapid 
• weak 
• uninteresting 
• unexciting 
• uninspiring 
• monotonous 
• lifeless
• pedestrian 
• ordinary 
• unexceptional 
• commonplace 

In truth, the most interesting people I have ever met, besides the musical genius John Cage,  were three, faithful to their vows (including masturbation) Catholic monks.

They were all replete with qualities that “interest, stimulate, or challenge”.

I have been studying Gandhi for 25 years, and this line only made full sense to me tonight.

I think the best way to test this for yourself is, the next time you masturbate, after you have been orgasmic, ask yourself “ Am I as socially penetrative and as interesting, as I was before I started masturbating?

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Chastity is celibacy, but with no fantasy.

When I have a fantasy start (an image before it turns into a movie) I pray to that image “ Sister, May no harm come to you from me”

If that doesn’t work I pray the first Three Steps inserting the word “Fantasy” in place of “ Alcohol”.

Last night it persisted and, knowing that fantasy is a defense mechanism against painful feelings, I had to do an inventory on how I felt.

I felt hurt and scared about a downstairs neighbor woman who is beating on her ceiling and scaring me and Gummy.

I felt the fear and the aborted fantasy starts stopped.

Chastity continues…

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HP,

I am grateful to be free of objectification, fantasy, intrigue and also masturbation and affairs.

Help me to be useful to those who are interested in these things.

Help me to keep strong boundaries with those who are choosing to indulge in these things.

And, for today, help me to appreciate the gifts of chastity that you have presented the opportunity for me to simply enjoy.

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Let’s pursue Gandhi’s near vituperative claim that “without chastity you are insipid”.

Which means :

• boring
• uninteresting 
• unexciting 
• uninspiring 
• monotonous 
• unexceptional 

In truth, I don’t want the world knowing that I don’t masturbate, pray six times a day, eat raw foods, write avant-garde music or spend most of my time freely serving others. They would think I was just too weird…and ostracize me.

So, I am glad if someone finds me boring.

So, here, Gandhi is of absolutely no help.

However, there is one person I truly do not want to present to, as being insipid…and that is my three year old son.

I want to present as honest, unselfish, funny, courageous, safe, and fun to be with…pretty much the diametric opposite of “insipid”.

So, in my most important human relationship, if I want to not be insipid…I might want to take Gandhi’s admonition seriously.

Would I be chaste to be a better father?

Hell, yes!

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The thing about really trying to do God’s will, after doing the Third Step, is that some really bad things can happen: divorces, custody cases, loss of jobs, health challenges, people die.

But, what looks like absolute disaster at the time, if you keep trying your best to do God’s will, is that that disaster turns out to be the very best thing that could have happened to you.

Gandhi is right “ In Chastity lies the protection of the body, the mind and the soul”.

If you are ever really up against it…Chastity is a diamond cutter of a tool to get you through it.

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“Why don’t you choose your own conception of God? 

Page 12 Big Book

Practical God:

I believe in God because on May 4, 1988, I prayed “ Please help me not drink”… and I never drank again.

So, I know, from direct experience, that there is a God and that prayer works.

I want to apply that to the biggest health issue, not only in the US, but in the entire world…being overweight.

And I want to apply it to a primarily Men’s issue: pornography

Actually, porn is just a symptom, it’s masturbation that is the root cause. You get rid of the fire…the smoke won’t bother you.

I choose the conception of God that I know works and apply it to eating and masturbation.

That’s why I pray six times a day.

I need to know absolutely nothing else about God…except that.

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In The Celibate Promises, the First Promise is:

1) We will be more available to our children

That is the most dear of the tangible human gifts received from choosing chastity, for me:

This week, 11/27-12/3/2022, that meant:

Taking my son to two movies…with popcorn and M&M’s

Taking him to his favorite place on earth the science museum The Exploratorium

Buying two new small metal trucks and playing them with them over a dozen times

Going to Pier 39, our tourist district and going to the Aquarium, House of Mirrors and introducing him to his first cotton candy and his first Merry-Go-Round

It meant banging each other on the head with two soccer size rubber balls till our sides split with laughter 

We  watched three Disney videos, got him a stylish “ Fade” haircut and had his favorite meal “ Steak” several times

Wrestling, and me tickling him, till he howled with laughter…and lit up the sky with his joy.

 

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My wife sleeps here seven nights a week, in her own room, and spends the weekends here, with our son.

I do not objectify her. I do not intrigue with her.

I do not fantasize about her. It is perfectly chaste.

Subsequently, she can help, with me, to create a safe, fun, home for our son.

Thank you God for Chastity 

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Addiction, like depression, is a mental health issue, according to the United States Surgeon General.

The Surgeon General said last month, 10/22, that “76% of workers showed at least one symptom of a mental health condition”. 

That’s three out of four working people.

You don’t have to be full blown, white jacket, rubber-room, syringe-in-your-arm, drooling-down-your-beard, crazy…You can just be showing one sign.

As a sex addict, you cannot be free of that mental illness if you are still objectifying, fantasizing or intriguing.

Think about that for a moment: Do I want to have signs of being mentally ill?

…or do I want to be free?

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“If we habitually wear an aloof, unapproachable expression, we will not be approached.”

Days of Healing, Days of Joy, month of May

When I was 13 years old I met an utterly brilliant woman who was my mother’s college professor and who taught not only my mother, but the very famous southern writer, Flannery O’Connor.

What I noticed about her was that she listened very intently, but her face was utterly expressionless. I adopted that facial posture all my life.

When I was 21 years old, and met the most brilliant musician of the 20th century, John Cage, he had the same exact emotionless expression, as he listened. So, this reinforced my facial decision.

But…what I did not know about either of these two people at the time was that they had both been profoundly affected by alcoholism.

As DOH, DOJ says, if you “Look unapproachable… You will not be approached”… And pretty much no one has approached me in the last 55 years.

But, I have started chanting my new bottom line “No sex except to create children “ in my head as I run, and it is utterly shocking how complete strangers, mostly women, in a major city, smile at me.

Who knew?

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“We ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision.”

Big Book p. 86

I have a friend who has to make a very important decision on whether to have his daughter start taking medication or to spend a great deal of money and move her to another school.

He is having some challenges with food currently that make the clarity that he needs to make these important decisions, more elusive. More directly: Food addiction cuts you off from God.

Gandhi has taught us the managing your food will help lower your lust, but the equation also works in the opposite direction: managing your lust directly affects your tendency towards gluttony.

If that is true, and it is, then if I were to elect a temporary period of chastity it would have positive effects on my food.

That is what I suggested to my friend…so that he might obtain “ an intuitive thought or a decision” as it applies to his daughter’s health.

My friend is a sexually sober man and is very moderate in his married sexual practice: Once a month, maybe twice, if it’s his birthday or Father’s Day (Ask any married man about this phenomenon).

If you’ve just met someone you’re in love with, you can have sex seven times a day. I certainly did that five years ago when I first met my wife, but once a month is a fairly self-restrained practice. That being the case, the sacrifice would be quite minimal, comparatively, to obtain the clarity needed to help his daughter.

This man’s religion is opposed to Chastity , but I pointed out that with food choices he disregards his religion in favor of his health and I asked him to consider doing that here.

Also, you don’t want to just fall into Chastity.

If you do, you only get 2% of the benefits.

Sex addiction is 98% mental. To really receive 100% of the benefits you have to make up your mind.

I’ve asked this man to consciously choose to be chaste…just for a finite period.

Why?…Because this man really loves his daughter 

Steve D.

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I had a guy call me complaining about his wife.

He said “She never says a kind word to me. She never thanks me for anything I do and…she has “let herself go”.

Whenever I get calls like that I remember what Socrates said about his wife Xanthippe “ If you get a good wife you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one… You’ll become a philosopher”.

To the complaint “She has let herself go” which meant to him “eating all the time and not working out” again I remember what Socrates said:

“As to Chastity or marriage, choose whichever you will… You will be sure to be repent”…

I told him that if his wife didn’t have the self-respect to take care of herself, there was absolutely nothing he could do, but he also had a choice.

At a certain point, the unhappiness caused by the unmet pleasures of sex are outweighed by the gifts of Chastity which are: clarity, intuition, personal power in relationships and social resilience…and you can always choose that.

He didn’t like that solution.

As to his wife never being kind or thankful. Yep, that’s pretty much being a Xanthippe, but to quote Socrates one last time “to ride a difficult horse makes you a better rider”.

It’s all about choices and attitude…

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Sex is not a need. It is an instinct.

Eating is a need.

If I surrender all sex, love, romance and relationship, just for a day, it’s amazing how simple my real needs become.

Essentially I need to feel loved and like I belong and also I need to feel esteemed by others to be happy.

That’s pretty much it…but I don’t know that until I surrender all sex…first

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It’s always been interesting to me that when Adam and Eve sinned the first thing they noticed wasn’t that the husband forgot to take out the trash or that the woman didn’t put back the husband’s tools.

It wasn’t the husband forgetting an anniversary or the the woman leaving her hair all over the bathroom floor.

It wasn’t the husband hustling to get the woman out of the house on time or the woman claiming she knew which way True North was.

It was sexual shame…that’s the very first recorded consequence of sin…and it’s been downhill ever since.

Fortunately Chastity makes the playing ground even again. There’s no sexual shame anymore…and you can even rethink the Apple decision 

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Here’s a gloomy Office:

When I am sick I cling to my chastity with all my might.

You have got to wonder why there are minor discomforts like colds and flu in the world.

I think it’s to gently remind us that old age and death are on their way and to be grateful for what we have, today…now.

At times like that, it’s supremely comforting to be able to access your soul, instantly. 

Recovery can do that for you…if you follow where it logically leads.

Merry Christmas 2022…

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Noah got naked drunk. Ham looked at him and Noah put a curse on him forever. This is the first known recorded case of Objectifying.

Noah built a boat one and a half football fields long in his backyard.

Now, aside from the fact that no one in a city could afford the property taxes on that size plot of land, he would have had the Department of Public Works on his back about the noise, before he could have completed framing the first door.

He brought two of every living creature inside?

Have you ever seen a child chase a bird?

What do you think the chances are of catching two?

Impossible job descriptions or not, if Ham had been chaste…things would be different.

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My spiritual relationship with God changes  through the years.

For seven years it was about getting God to help me not drink alcohol.

For twenty nine years it was about getting God to help me not masturbate or cheat on my partners

Then, for five years it was about obeying God so I could stay thin.

For the last 14 months it’s about getting God to help me have no sex except to create children.

My relationship stays the same…it’s just the connecting points that change.

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“I’m not only my worst enemy, I’m the only real enemy I’ve got! “
Sexaholics White Book

“The enemy was US”
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Primary Text

SLAA and SA are diametrically opposed to each other. 

One fiercely opposes gay sex.

One fiercely supports it.

But, for our purposes, that does not matter.

What matters is they both completely agree that it is the addict who is the problem…not the spouse, parents, employer, National politics or world wide religions.

Again…

“I’m not only my worst enemy, I’m the only real enemy I’ve got! “
Sexaholics White Book

“The enemy was US”
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Primary Text

That’s really good news, because I can’t change other people, but, with God’s help…I can change myself.

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“But you must not eat of the Tree of Good and Evil”

Why?

Because then you spend all your time obsessing, trying to figure out what is good and what is evil…

Can I masturbate, but not use porn?

Can I have sex with this girl that I just met on the dating app tonight?

Are people who don’t eat flour and sugar just extremist perfectionists?

Pot is legal now, so it’s healthy now, right?

Ugh…it just gives me a headache to have to think about all this.

I could be watching Curious George, playing basketball, swimming or going to a kid’s science museum with my three-year old.

Everybody’s different, but there is a sober path for each of us…if we are honest and courageous enough to look.

Just eat of the tree of obedience…it’s so much simpler and so much more fun.

“The tree of the knowledge of good and evil”, indeed.

More like “The tree of being a moron or not”.

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I went to an All Addictions Anonymous meeting based on the Sexual Inventory in the Fourth Step of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It was a very earnest, sincere and sober meeting.

They talked about the perniciousness of sexual fantasy, masturbation, affairs, pornography, objectification and flirting.

They talked about their disappointment with Alcoholics Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous to really, deeply emotionally, help them with their sex addiction.

I understood and related to everything everyone said.

But, something wasn’t right…

I was still hearing men holding onto their addiction.

There was an exception.

You could hear it in his voice, if you knew what to listen for.

He had given up sex, even within his marriage, seven years ago.

He was free. He was normal. The disease was not present.

Fourteen months ago I embraced no sex except to create children. 

I am free. I am normal. The disease is not present.

That’s good enough for me…

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Resentful girls don’t have healthy minds

Depressed girls don’t have healthy minds

Plus-sized girls don’t have healthy minds

But…they are so easy to manipulate sexually.

That is so evil that it is hard to see…how truly lazy it is.

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“It is not good for the man to be alone”

No…He needs someone who will cut off the sexual supply when he doesn’t like his mate’s mother, her cat, her hairstyle, favorite Tik-Tok artist, new shoes, investment plans, political views, food choices, exercise plan, career trajectory, childcare opinions , work friends or drinking habits.

When I hear that…being alone doesn’t sound all that bad.

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“Sex only to create children” has created two very novel female relationships in my life: 

A woman raw organic vegan dessert chef who has come to my home three times and teaches me to make sugar-free organic desserts.

The woman downstairs, who was furiously banging on her ceiling whenever Gummy walked, is now a fan of my new desserts and is civil and pretty warmly communicative with me.

It is not affecting my primary relationship in any way…but, it is changing my relationships with all other women.

Women smile and talk to me now…who knew?

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My wife moved back in after nine months.

We practice chastity.

I am clear about not being in love addiction around my wife.

I have not suffered from that addiction for over 35 years. But, I know that pain, that agony

I turn my life and will over to God

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Act With Courage changes every six months the last 8 years.

We are changing again:

Using “Written step work” as an example, Saleh, Saroshe and Syad are writing what can clumsily  be described as Lectio Divina on the Mercy Offices, 50 at a time, and then sharing their writing with each other, with me commenting, live.

They are having to work hard… But you can see a noticeable increase in their day count.

The Mercy Offices are used as a primary text because unlike the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions they are based on the multiplicity of addictions.

Patrick Carnes, PhD, the founder of sex addiction, says that only 9% of addicts have one addiction.

That means that Alcoholics Anonymous misses the boat on over 90% of the people.

There’s absolutely no way they could have seen this on June 10th of 1935 at AA’s inception.

But, the Big book, on page 164, says “God will constantly disclose more to you and to us”

He has…now it’s time to use it.

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Step 10… We continue to take personal inventory:

Okay, nothing but guts and attitude have gotten me through this last year.

What I have:

1. A chaste sexual sobriety
2. A healthy body
3. A supportive spiritual community
4. Physical custody of Gummy
5. Reasonable income

That is all I need…and more than I deserve.

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14 months today, January 3, 2023

No sex except to create children…I am going to change my mind.

I am grateful for my wife being sexy, when she was, and for giving me Gummy.

No sex except to create children…I am changing my mind

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Today ends two weeks of holiday vacation for my son.

The clearest example of God’s love, for me, is seeing him laugh when I tickle him. It lights up the sky. If that’s not God…I don’t want heaven.

But, every now and then, I need to talk to God, adult-to-adult.

In 10 days I’m going to the Joshua Tree Desert to see my oldest living friend, the Prior.

I need to walk in the desert and talk to God…alone, and with the Prior.

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For 34 years I have dealt with Fantasy, Objectification and Intrigue with one simple tool…Prayer

Specifically, “Sister, may no harm come to you from me”.

It works great. It knocks those middle circle behaviors right out of the park day after day after day.

But it takes a lot a very disciplined, meticulous effort.

As I continue to embrace my new bottom line I am finding a brand new way to deal with women.

Instead of antidotally responding to my own selfishness in reaction to their beauty, conversation, or their memory… I present something in advance.

I start it out, in my head, praying my new bottom line, “No sex except to create children”.

It is shocking how women react.

They want to be warm. They want to be friendly. They want to be open. They want to be funny. They want to be kind.

But, they need to feel safe… And I present that now, at all times.

God, I wish I had known this is at 15 years old.

Amen

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A total stranger came up to me yesterday while I was standing at the street corner with my empty baby carriage headed to pick up my son at preschool.

She opened up the conversation with “You are one of the only two people I have seen going to pick up their children each day”.

Then she went into a long diatribe about the restaurant she worked at and how they made the best cheese burgers and shakes and that I should try them.

Absolutely no intrigue… Just safe, uninitiated conversation.

I felt a little shocked… So I said “I’m sure my wife would like the cheeseburgers”.

That’s the thing to do when you’re in a potentially dubious conversation… Mention your wife by the second sentence.

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My wife is beginning to trust that I really mean “No sex except to create children”.

She came home sick today and felt safe to just lounge around the house in bed knowing she would not be “hit on”.

Chastity is happiness. Chastity is peace.

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We proceed with the belief that only 9% of sex addicts have one addiction:

With one of the guys with whom I am practicing Lectio Divina, we discussed what other addictions he may have.

Codependency was obviously his second one, but he proffered forth workaholism as his  third addiction.

On page 62 of the Big Book it says “Selfishness, self-centeredness that we believe is the root of our problem”.

Workaholism is selfish. Why? 

Because you abandon your wife and your children while you’re high on work.

Children don’t need massive amounts of money…they need massive amounts of “Love  and belonging” and massive amounts of “ Esteem of others”, of which, parents are the initial, primary and principal providers.

If they don’t get those needs met, they, too , become needy…and perfectly defenseless targets for addiction.

Is that what you want for your children?

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Higher Power, 

I have prayed earnestly for “knowledge of your will for me and the power to carry it out”, for 42 years.

I have earnestly put on the cloak of  “Repent and live”, as the Jewish prophet Ezekiel admonished.

In all humility, I have repented of everything I know of, honestly.

The second part of that slogan…is really 98% of the message.

Who knows what life will be like now?

Just following your cue, HP…happily.

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When I met LA Dave three years ago he was running a telephone meeting for people to meditate, for 20 minutes, on the phone, in complete silence.

There was absolutely nobody there…but, him.

I was able to convince him that, perhaps, this might not be the best format for newcomers.

I taught him how to do written step work, on all 12  of the Steps, at a group level, something All Addictions Anonymous had never seen before.

The meeting grew to nearly 20 people.

Tonight we implemented the same process at ActWithCourage.com…With a slight variation.

AAA, like AA, focuses on doing the 12 steps on one addiction at a time. 

Tonight, Saroshe premiered written work on all  22 potential addictions that we address.

As only 9% of sex addicts have one addiction… This was a much more real world approach.

It was a splendid maiden voyage and two people, having witnessed it, have expressed an interest in writing on multiple addictions and how it affects their lives.

We are called, on page 49 of the Big Book, to be “Intelligent agents, spearheads of God's ever advancing Creation”.

That is what we are doing… Three hours at a time.

Amen

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Saroshe, Saleh, Syad and I were listening to Saleh snd Saroshe reading the Doctor’s Opinion, with me commenting.

We got to the line that appears twice: the “Moral Psychology“, that is needed for “Permanent Recovery” from addiction.

That can appear abstract and even abstruse, but, it is neither.

The “Moral Psychology” that you must embrace to recover from sex addiction is very simple: “Selfishness-self centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles”.
Page 62, Big Book.

That is the motivation, for good, that you must have to drive yourself, with enough torque, to get, and stay sexually sober. 

That simple desire…to stop being selfish.

Because porn…is incredibly selfish.

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Detroit Dave has mentioned the word holy several times when checking in recently during the meetings.

Holy is a very interesting word.

A man who was, at the time, described as “the meekest man on earth” once said “Be holy, because God is holy”.

Holy is an interesting word, functionally, because in our Third Step we try to start doing God’s will.

What does holy even mean?

Is it even God’s will to be holy?

In Greek, Holy means “sacred, pure “.

Is using porn sacred or pure? No.

If you have problems with alcohol, is getting drunk pure? No.

If you have problems controlling your eating, is eating too much pure? No.

Is sexual fantasy pure? No.

Is sexual intrigue pure? No.

Is objectification pure? No.

Holiness is a direction…Not a destination

Progress…rather than perfection

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I am “sure of my life”…that is really, really different, for me.

I am feeling hurt, sad and lonely tonight, that meta-feeling of grief, but mostly hurt.

I just want to feel better.

As an addict, my knee jerk reaction is to do something addictive to relieve the pain…anything.

But, I will pray instead. I am sure that will work just fine…

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One of the guys on PrayerCall gets selfish, dishonest, short-tempered and punk-assed when someone messes with his food.

I’m that way when someone messes with my sex, or love, supply.

That’s because food is his primary addiction and sex is my primary addiction.

It’s important, with multiple addictions, to correctly ascertain what your primary, secondary and tertiary addictions are.

Otherwise, you can’t “Put first things first”.

But, you have to have good judgment.

Addicts are afraid of being “judgmental“, because they have been shamed so much in their lives.

Good judgement comes from one thing, honesty…and that’s the most important thing in all of recovery.

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Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy 

“God asks only that we try as best we know how to make progress in the building of character.”
AA 12&12 Step Six, p.65

In 34 1/2 years of sex addiction recovery I’ve never fully understood how this applied to sex addiction.

Now I do… 

The acting out behaviors, the compulsions: Masturbation, affairs, pornography, etc, have to fully stop.

They are actions…

But intrigue, objectification and fantasy are mental processes. It is the “character” of my mind that creates these things.

Actually, intrigue involves speaking.

Objectification, involves looking.

Only Fantasy is purely mental, so that is a good place to finish up my building character.

Intrigue is the most egregious of the three potentials for “character building”, because I’m talking trash. I’m lying to some woman.

Objectification, is in the middle. It needs to be dealt with next.

But finally, Fantasy, where no one can hear it and no one can see it, but me, is where I need to shut the door on disease.

That’s where I need finesse in my character building… One day, three hours at a time

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Yesterday was 11 months of Chastity.

For 9 months I have, as the “White Book” directs, “Taken the actions of love to improve my relations with others”, with regards to my wife.

It has utterly failed.

My wife has calmly and measuredly, stated that “she hates me”.

The harder I try to make amends, for my part in our difficulties, the more tightly she holds onto her hate.

I need a new solution…

In the Codependency Offices there is a line:

“What would happen if I started thanking God when problems occurred? If I replaced self-pity with gratitude?”

What if instead of trying to do things to ameliorate my wife and I’s relationship , I simply thanked God for her hate.

I can do that.

The truth is her hate is so consistent that I am forced to either act out, or choose chastity…and I have known for over 30 years that Chastity is the ultimately best spiritual condition for me.

So, no. I will never cheat on her in act, word, or thought, but I can choose to be grateful for her hate because, personally, I choose to respond chastely… and that is my very best condition.

So, I am grateful for my wife’s hate.

And I turn that hate over to God, to do as He wishes.

Thank you, God. I am grateful.

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I believe that God is positive, not negative or fearful, so I want to say some positive things about my wife:

Anybody that saw my wife on the beaches of Phuket Thailand in January 2018, 5 years ago, would say she was one of the most attractive girls around.

But, what was most attractive to me was that she had the unmitigated courage to fight a tyrannical, old, crazy woman, from the the time she was only 10 years old, to 23 years old, with nothing but the tools at her hand which were the Catholic Church and their liturgies.

She believed in and trusted God to help her fight a woman who would deny her adequate food and isolated her from all her Filipino community.

I had the most profound respect for that level of straight out courage. Because, that’s what I had to do with my own parents and home life, with the only spiritual tools at my hand, 12 Step.

I will always be respectful of that level of courage, especially in a girl who was only 10 years old.

That is genius level spiritual giftedness and I am grateful for having just known someone like that in my life.

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I have learned some things from watching my son that help me stay chaste:

His highest priority is to play as much as possible.

This may seem immature or even foolish…if you are a workaholic.

He creates a  “Second Super-real world” when he plays, as the Psychotherapeutic genius Otto Rank would say.

That is a remarkably pure and simple model of mental health.

When my son needs to detach from his mother and I telling him to: put on his diapers, not throw his toys, clean up the mess from his spilt milk, take a bath, put on his shoes, don’t jump on the floor, etc. He simply “detaches with love”… And plays with his toys.

That’s a lesson I want to learn for a lifetime.

As all sex, love, romance, and relationship is gone in my life I can “Detach with love”, and make  a “ Second super real world” with music and words…which helps me with my Chastity.

Thanks Gummy…for just being yourself.

Dad

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As an outer circle behavior, for five nights, after Gummy has gone to bed I’ve gone to hear 14 bands, in 6 night clubs.

Last night, I went with my bass player.

As soon as I sat down at one of the bars, in someone else’s seat, the woman who’s chair it was came up to me and made an extremely lewd suggestion.

But, Chastity gives me extremely good boundaries and her lascivious suggestion just rolled off of me.

I suggested, instead, that she dance with my bass player.

They danced and had a nice time.

Chastity really smooths out the rough edges in my life…

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I used to date a girl many years ago and we would do some fairly high-risk behaviors.

My recovery group stated that if I could stop a sexual behavior…I was not addicted.

I was scrupulously careful that I could stop everything that we were doing.

But…I found myself not willing to tell people about some of the things I was doing.

Now, I add to my bottom lines “I don’t do anything I’m not willing to talk about”.

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I am building a new life based on “No sex except to create children”…and me and Gummy having a lot of fun the last six weeks.

We have gone to the Exploratorium Children’s Science Museum six times…his favorite place on earth.

We have joined the California Academy of Science and have ridden their colossal Ferris Wheel twice.

We’ve gone to Pier 39, our tourist area, and ridden a beauty of a merry-go-round… and he has had cotton candy three times.

We have ridden two of the three cable cars left in San Francisco.

We’ve gone to half a dozen movies together where he has popcorn and candy…Not me of course, LOL

We’ve explored several toy dealerships I have bought many police cars, fire engines and race cars that we have enjoyed endlessly.

We have joined the YMCA and played basketball three times and have swam, swum or swim twice.

We have shopped at Macy’s Downtown twice, seen their Christmas tree twice and their ice skating rink once.

We go every Sunday morning to a friends house and listen to a $150,000 analog stereo.

Chastity really does give you more energy…and I like to spend it on my son.

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I have realized that I would rather have family (with my son and wife), without sex, love, romance and relationship…than have sex, love romance and relationship with someone else.

I guess I am gonna get real good at this Chastity thing…

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Early in my life, I really wanted to be with a woman.

Actually, I really didn’t want to be with myself.

But the real reason that I didn’t want to be with myself was that I was not in touch with my soul.

Without being in touch with my soul there is, as AA says “A God-sized hole” in me, with the wind just rushing in and out.

But, to find my soul I had to give up my obsessions, the most obvious obsession being, wanting to be with a woman.

Chastity, for me, leads me to my soul.

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I went to the Joshua Tree Desert with the Prior…to “Talk to Jesus”.

Within 20 seconds my Higher Power had spoken to me… And we turned around.

There is something very special about the desert, for me.

Thank you Jesus!

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I have repeatedly asked my wife if she would like to do couples therapy on the incident where I requested a restraining order.

She quietly, but firmly, refuses.

I decided that, for me, I was going to do some therapy on this particular issue on, Tuesday January 24, 2023, because I believe that the healthier this family is, the better off my son will be, so I am going to try to heal the wounds, real or imagined, that I feel in this marriage, from this specific incident.

I thank God for the gift of chastity, and specifically for the Big Book’s admonition that sex is not to be used “selfishly or lightly”…so that I don't forget my own children’s welfare.

Postscript: Did the therapy and the therapist said “You have absolutely no business in therapy”, LOL…

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If you drink a lot of coffee, or eat a lot of food, or smoke a lot, and certainly if you drink a lot of beer, you will never notice this.

But, if you’ve been chaste for a long time it’s easy to forget why you started.

It’s easy to forget, and take for granted, that increased intuition that increases the quality of your own personal judgment in assessing relationships that are healthy for you…or not.

It’s easy to forget that your personal presence in relationships with your family have noticeably, if not occasionally, dramatically, improved.

It’s also very easy to forget the most obvious gift of Chastity which is increased clarity. You’re not stuck, trying to figure out relationships with your boss, or your teachers, and especially your wife and children….what a gift that is!

It’s easy to write off, devalue, and diminish the greatest gift of Chastity, which is social resilience. That means when somebody does something hurtful, or says something hurtful, it just rolls off your back and you don’t think about it for hours, or days.

But when you do remember these gifts… you can get real practical about sex.

What kind of sex is worth losing those four things?

Pornographic, gymnastic, endless sex with somebody who is so in love with you that they can’t get enough of you?

Or, manual sex with someone who’s just trying to get rid of you? (I am familiar with that).

What is the loss of Chastity worth in real, practical terms?

Again, if you’re deeply involved with other addictions you won’t notice this loss at all when you are orgasmic. This information will be like dusty hieroglyphics on an archeological tomb in terms of meaning and usefulness.

But, that doesn’t mean it’s not true and might be useful to you…someday.

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I am working with a man who is being chaste and attributes it to the Step work that we are doing.

He is tired and wants to stop.

I don’t push ropes and I don’t try to make the river go upstream.

The choice is his…

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God,

Help me to hold this precious gift of chastity.

I know it’s cost. I know it’s value.

Help me to please never forget these two things.

Help me to love my son with this abundance of purity you have blessed me with, one day, three hours at a time.

Amen

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God,

Some of my favorite heroes have been accused of “The cult of personality” (John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Help that never be true of anything I try to do.

Help my modest and humble efforts to be a mere reflection of your law…your perfect law.

Amen

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Gandhi says “Religion without sacrifice means nothing”.

The most enlightened Christian priest I ever met said to me, “Steve you need a God with more torque than we have”.

That was stunningly frank.

Today, I need a God with the absolute most torque available.

Chastity, for me, is the greatest sacrifice I am possible of making.

I worship the God that hears chastity as a personal sacrifice to Him.

Be with me Lord.

Amen

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It started out as an unbelievable revelation of an unseen, unreached, unheard of, impossibly perfect sexual goal…”No sex except to create children”.

Then for a year it seemed so terribly strange that I didn’t want to tell anybody…old ACA fears of being ostracized.

There was also the fear that I couldn’t really do it…so I waited a year, to see if it was really possible.

Finally, there was the thought, in the back of my head, that my wife and I might come to some martial accord and end this process…but, that didn’t happen.

After a year of silence, I slowly and carefully began to talk about it and embrace it…It felt like a wire brush fiercely cleaning my brain, like spiritual Rotor-Rooter.

But now at 15 months…it is a source of comfort and joy…One day, three hours at a time.

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Step 10:

One year of Chastity today February 8, 2023 at 9:15 pm.

I have never been more spiritually solid than I have been in the last 365 days, but this has been, emotionally, the toughest year of my life.

As Dickens said in Tale of Two Cities “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”.

While my wife is completely convinced that this is 100% my fault…I’m not sure that’s 100%, mathematically true.

My SLAA sponsor taught me “It takes two people to be in a relationship… And I ain’t both of ‘em”.

I think the thing that I was surprised at was how incredibly fast things fell apart.

But here it is, a year later:

Gummy is as happy and healthy he could possibly be. After staying sober, that is been my number one concern, and that was a magnificent success.

Gummy’s is in preschool five days a week where he’s much beloved and much regarded.

My wife and I have absolutely no relationship with each other, but we do have a very enthusiastic, and often even giddy, joy in raising Gummy as well as we can together.

My wife has returned home after nine months and Gummy’s has a full-time live-in mother, which he very much needs.

God,

Thank you for the gift of Chastity this last year, which has kept me from letting my own desires take priority over doing what is best for my son’s welfare.

I am so humbly grateful to you,

Amen