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Mercy Offices 1

I will:

Laugh at myself

Believe that I will get better

Trust God

Serve others

Have a positive attitude

Smile

Forgive myself

Pray

Read spiritual literature

Exercise

Forgive others

Manage my money

Relax

Do nothing

Have fun

Be aware of my food

Be conscious of my sexual choices

Announce limits

Grieve losses

Set boundaries

Accept reality

Feel my feelings

Meet my needs

Be self-restrained

Enjoy my choices

Share with others

Persevere

Connect

Practice self-discipline

Rejoice

Mercy Offices 2

HP,  help me to love myself today

Help me to

  • Stay in touch with my feelings
  • Set boundaries with those who are harmful
  • Announce limits so as not to harm myself.
  • Keep myself emotionally healthy by meeting my needs for:
  • Safety
  • Love and belonging
  • Esteem of others
  • Self-esteem

To fully actualize, or realize myself, help me meet my needs for

  • Near constant Prayer
  • Self-transcendence through Service
  • Spirituality through connectedness, originally with God, then others, and finally, lastingly and constantly, with myself
  • Contentment through realization of my highest, realistically attainable goal
  • Creativity through creating beauty for the joy of it
  • Peace of mind through knowing my soul

Mercy Offices 3

I will believe that God will help me heal, if I do my part.

I am content, without sex, love, romance or relationship.

I forgive myself for my mistakes, failures, losses, errors and weaknesses.

I will not give up on myself, even if I slip, relapse, act out, get drunk or have a break.

I will pray even if I do not believe there is a God.

I will pray even if I do not understand God.

I will read spiritual literature when I feel slippery.

I will call safe friends and share how I feel and why I feel that way.

I will offer my experience, strength and hope to my friends when they are hurt or struggling.

I will remember the paradox that it is God's grace that gets me well, but I must work to obtain and maintain it.

I will remember to live just for today, and that to do otherwise is to play God.

I will inventory my food, exercise and sleep to see if I am loving myself.

If I have a partner I will try to see her (his) positive attributes and be grateful for this gift.

I will, to the best of my ability, model healthy behavior for my children, whether they see it or not.

I will remember that sex is a gift from God, neither to be despised and loathed nor to be used lightly or selfishly.

I will take the next right action, but I will also Let Go And Let God.

I will practice, diligently, seeing the positive.

I will trust, or at least try to trust, that there is something smarter and more powerful than me in the Universe.

I will hope for health, and strive for it in every area of my life.

I will feel my feelings, set boundaries, announce limits and meet my needs...with God's help.

Even if I am legally married, I will be open to finite periods of chastity, negotiated with my partner, to bring purity and clarity into our love.

I will try to see where various legitimate religions, therapies and other types of programs can enhance my ability to love and be loved.

I will grieve when necessary by feeling hurt, needy, sad and lonely simultaneously and have a positive attitude about it.

I will watch my food so as not to be struck down spiritually by the disease of overeating.

I will be attentive to my income and spending as ways to nurture myself and to share with others.

If I am using prescription medications I will be honest with myself about if I am using them for a healthful purpose.

I will look at caffeine usage and be honest with myself about how it makes me feel.

I will rest and do nothing sometimes.

I will do fun stuff remembering that "God respects me when I work, but he loves me when I play".

Mercy Offices 4

Anger is the Backbone of Healing

The Big Book states that "Resentment is the number one offender."

Offender of what? The offender of healthy relationships.

  • I believe that what I believe is important.
  • I believe in anger, prayer, and written Step work.
  • I believe that all addictions are principally motivated by the source of childhood abuse.
  • I further believe that the salient characteristic of the abuse victim part of myself is a complete inability to take care of or protect myself.

Anger is the source of power that I, as a victim, need to become a survivor. Lack of power, that was our dilemma” (Big Book, page 45). I therefore encourage anger—not abuse—but healthy anger with all my heart, mind, body, and soul to free the victim within me, to become a responsible man.

When I feel depression (which is rare now) I know that I am angry about something. ‘Depression is anger turned inward,” (As Bill Sees It). Ernie Larsen says that when you get hurt, you feel angry and when you feel angry you want to get even. That’s simply human.

When I feel angry, I have four choices:

1. Turn the anger in on myself and go into depression.

2. Become passive/aggressive: “nice,” sweet, kind, considerate, forgiving, accepting, polite, modest, self-sacrificing, humble, gentle; and let my anger leak out onto inappropriate people in unsuspecting ways.

3. Use addiction to numb my feelings. In the past, I might have over-eaten, got drunk, taken pills, smoked a cigarette, drank coffee, masturbated, had sex with my wife, read the Bible and hope that Jesus would save me from my feelings, worked too hard, spent money that was not discretionary, gone into a fantasy about being somebody, or tried to “save” someone.

4. Get honest with someone about my anger.

Mercy Offices 5

I will have faith that God knows what He/She is doing.

If God doesn't give me what I want, I am sure there is a good reason why.

If there is any family of origin issue which is blocking me from loving God, I will pray for it to be removed.

I will remember that laughing is truly one of God's greatest graces.

I will pray today, a lot. Psalm 119 says seven times a day.

My prayers will be intimate, honest and open.

Some of my prayers will be recited, just to calm me down.

Today, I will reach out to other honest men and women through telephone, IM, text, email, posting ...and smoke signal if necessary.

When I am tired I will rest, remembering that, sometimes the most spiritual thing I can do...is take a nap.

I will pray to God to heal my most obvious wounds today.

Today, I recognize the limit of my power and reach for God's power.

God hasn't left me. He has allowed me to grow up.

I surrender my defects to you Lord, to do as you will with them.

Cling to the Lord and cry out for mercy.

Quit working...before you get tired.

Maybe this IS the way things are supposed to be.

Lie down in green pastures...before He makes you lie down.

Fight when necessary, but measure your force.

Remember that "God is Truth".

Remember that "God is Love".

Forgive those that deserve it quickly, forgive those that don't even quicker.  

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 6

Guide to a Finite Period of Chastity

Warning:

I accept that I will be angry all my life as a celibate man.

Previous images of some cross-eyed, semi-present to the present, toga-wrapped, obscenely peaceful, mountain top-dwelling, advice-giving, patriarchally-smiling fool who does not have a political clue are as much a part of the problem as Penthouse Pets are!

The Celibate Promises:

We will be more available to our children

We will be more present and productive at work

We will become stronger and more supple

Our financial situations will clear up

Our artistic and “spiritual” aspirations will be realized

Self draining sexual/romantic relationships will suddenly wither and die

We will have more clarity, intuition and personal power

We will have more fun

We will finally...relax

The Seven Steps of Celibacy:

I accept that there is power in me

I sing, discipline my body, pray and meditate…everyday

I feel all my feelings...and share them where it is wise to

I am open to feedback from trustworthy people

I confront and set boundaries with others

I accept my limits

I laugh

Mercy Offices 7

Trust God…Even when he appears to have bad judgment

If I can hear multi-syllabic obscenity in anger, and be resilient, don't you think God can?

Trust God, even when you can't feel Him or hear Him.

Does God have a Principle as well as a Personality?

Spiritual comes from the Latin word "Spiritus" which means breath.

Radical does not mean extreme. It comes from the Latin word " Radicum", which means root.

The best way to create healthy relationships with rigid people is to make them laugh.

The safest, most beautiful, inviting sense of humor is to crack on oneself, without being self-deprecatory.

God gets blamed for a lot of stuff He didn't do.

The difference between Hitler and Gandhi is only 2%. Any more than that and you would be a different species.

It is not possible for an addict to live outside of today and be mentally well.

My health is the most important part of my wealth.

Let's make it to 12:01 tonight… And then we'll renegotiate.

Mercy Offices 8

While celibate (no masturbation or sex with others) I have tested every single sexual limit I can think of. There is a fury in me not to die sexually.

My bottom Lines are:

• No affairs

• No masturbation.

My Permanent Boundaries are:

• No intrigue

• No fantasy.

• No objectification.

• No sex in a committed monogamous relationship when I need to be staying abstinent.

• No sex without intimacy.

My Temporary Boundaries when I am not dating:

• No dating.

• No thoughts of dating.

I have found that if I maintain all my bottom lines and permanent boundaries and answer two questions honestly to myself about a prospective dating partner, then I can date:

1. Would I marry this person?

2. Would I wait until I was married to be sexual with her?

Otherwise, I may be using someone...

Mercy Offices 9

My soul yearns.

Body: Early 12 step is a program of action

Heart: Late 12 step is a program of feelings

Soul: But what of my soul, Lord?

I yearn for my soul, but it is perversely misdirected into love addiction.

I yearn for my soul, but it is distorted by romance addiction.

I yearn for my soul, but I try to satiate myself with relationship addiction.

Free me Lord, to know my soul.

We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found.

You were within, but I looked for you without...and could not find you.

I am joyous, oh my Soul, that I have found you.

Mercy Offices 10

Sex Addiction - Obsessive/compulsive sexual activity that negatively impacts other parts of the addicts’ life...or other people's lives. The compulsiveness can be expressed in many ways. Possibilities are through the use of masturbation, promiscuity, affairs, multiple partners, anonymous sex, sex in public places, strip clubs, lingerie parlors, prostitution, child molestation, rape, pornography, x-rated bookstores, voyeurism, exhibitionism, orgies and porn theaters... but are not limited to these.

Relationship Addiction - An expression of powerlessness in the inability to leave or stay out of self-destructive relationships. The sexual or romantic aspects of the relationship may not be highlighted. It is the clinging to stay in a current relationship or the clawing to get into a new relationship that characterizes this addiction. The solution here is 12-step recovery with an emphasis on multiple, healthy, non-sexual, intimate friendships to fill the unmet needs for family that the addict experiences.

Love addiction - An obsessive/compulsive need to satisfy the desire to feel whole or complete through using the presence of another person. When there is a feeling of “oceanic one-ness” in the beloved’s presence and a corresponding sense of doom, futility, pointlessness and despair at the prospect of never “having” the love object then love addiction is present. There may be no “relationship” in the conventional sense and there may not even be sexuality present. 12-step recovery works here, too, but the emphasis needs to be on learning how to love yourself thoroughly before you love others.

Romance Addiction - An obsessive/compulsive need to be excited by romantic, though not necessarily sexual or relational, activities. Endless series of brief relationships, inability to commit, self-destructive pursuit of the manic, fantastic and chaotic “relationships” as well as the demand that the “ideal perfect partner” be found characterize this addiction.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 11

Lord, help me to feel my soul...

Socrates and Plato both believed that the soul was housed about the solar plexus.

If that is true, I will breathe in deeply and repeatedly, and try to locate my soul within me.

Lord, help me to feel my soul..

When I want to eat something I'm not supposed to eat...help me feel my soul within me.

When I want to drink something I'm not supposed to drink...help me feel my soul within me.

When I start to reach for 'sex, love, romance, or relationship', unhealthily...help me feel my soul within me.

"The kingdom of God is within" - Luke

If my soul is not the kingdom of God…Then what is?

Lord, help me, just for today, to feel my soul...

Amen

Mercy Offices 12

In order not to get relationally addicted while I am dating:

I take the next right action to take care of myself, even when I don’t feel like it. Especially when I don’t feel like it.

Three-excellent ways to cultivate serenity are physical exercise, meditation, and prayer.” (How to get out of Debt, etc.)

One of the things to do in “practicing a positive sobriety” (Sexaholics Anonymous, p. 205) is sing. I learned this in church. It’s the process of singing and the joy it brings, not necessarily the content, through the endorphins it releases that gives me what I need. (As an additional by-product, my experience is that singing is second only to prayer as a tool for intimacy in coupleship)

"We absolutely insist on enjoying life." (The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous) I had to learn to enjoy life. I had to find out what I like...Be specific. It wasn’t until I got relationally sober that I began to have so much extra time!

I find that when I surrender some behavior, if I do not pick up a new one, I will go back to the old one. Surrender, for me, is letting something go and picking something else up.

One of the best things about a relational sobriety is more money. Because I’m more available emotionally, not necessarily because I put more time into my work, I prosper, because people are more attracted to me. I am able to work on the financial part of my recovery-passionately.

I need meditation daily and to access frequent spontaneous use of prayer, both written and improvised.

I am willing to do written Step work, which I do daily. This changes me more fundamentally than any of the other 12-Step tools.

I am willing to read any conference-approved literature, in any 12-Step program, and any other spiritual literature I find useful. The Bible and psychological literature has been particularly useful.

Daily, I check in with other program buddies either live or by leaving voice messages.

I count my breaths or surrender each thought that comes into my head.

When I am triggered very hard. I sometimes take three stuffed animals and enroll one -as the adult part of me, one as the adolescent part of me, and one as the child part of me, and I dialogue. Honesty and Openness are the key principles here. I can usually find out what I need and what I need to do if I am honest and courageous.

There are times when it is necessary to set indefinite and sometimes permanent boundaries. That means no calling, writing, or coming by. My fear is that I will end up alone. This is a delusion. Actually, I find myself deluged by people. I surrender that fear. Each time I let go of someone, I love myself more. It’s always difficult, painful, and fearful...and I always feel better.

I am willing to feel any feeling.
I must have someone to share these feelings with who has a "common welfare” (Big Book, Tradition One) with me.
Invariably, when I feel a craving for sex, love, romance or relationship, what I need is to share my feelings with someone else.

I am willing to attend meetings and share my experiences and feelings with others in a safe, public forum.

One of the most potent spiritual actions I can take is changing my attitude. This changes my feelings. When I feel self-pity, I allow myself to feel this, discover what I'm feeling self-pity about, surrender it, and consciously choose an attitude of gratitude. I say mentally "I am grateful for___.“ My attitude changes and so do my feelings.

My workaholic mind believes that I should always be doing something. What I need is to be happy. How? LAUGH!!!

Mercy Offices 13

What's the problem with being a human?

There's not enough love…

What does real love look like?

Love is human warmth, compassionate, tender, humorous, open, wise, forgiving, self-sacrificing, boundaried , disciplined, funny, truthful, flexible, merciful, perseverant, courageous, dedicated, willing, humble, understanding, accepting limits, strong, faithful, hopeful, patient, prayerful, service-oriented, and non-violent physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally.

Why am I not that way?  Why are you not that way?

Because I am disconnected from my soul…That's all.

There are a lot of things that we humans do that can disconnect us from our souls and death is a good, clear, concrete way to begin to measure the absence of soul.
So, let's say we have soulful on the one extreme and death on the other extreme…

Soulful-----------------------------------------------------Death

According to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta 300,000 of us Americans die each year from food related/overeating illnesses.
That's over 800 people a day, 30 an hour, or about one every two minutes.

A more frightening fact is that 67% are overweight.

And while  those folks may not be at the extreme where we are going to die from heart attack, stroke, diabetes or cancer, they may be a lot farther down that line towards death, away from soulful, than they'd  like to be.

You mean I can't be overweight and be soulful?

Food Addicts Anonymous says food addicts are typically selfish, resentful, emotionally dishonest, negative, obsessive, extreme and self pitying (Not really very soulful qualities when you think about it).

So, that overweight stuff, which is killing one of us every two minutes in the extreme and affecting 2 out of 3 of us in America all the time (including our children), is caused by the above character defects, which in turn separates us from our soul, which in turn prevents us from getting the love we need, which in turn keeps life from being great?

Yes…

God can change that...if I do my part.

Mercy Offices 14

For some of us, however, there is no passage to life, only from one stage of dying to another.
Too few lessons have been learned, too little wisdom has been gained for the wound to heal. There is nothing natural or guaranteed about a springtime of the spirit.

Behind every marvelous tale of death – left– behind is a common theme of peak moments. These peak moments may occur as long as we live. Or they may not. Perhaps we'd better make a decision someday sooner than tomorrow.

Healthy living demands enough of a central focus that something gets finished once it gets started.  Lacking this we often return to fight the same battle once again.

Mercy Offices 15

I surrender sex, love, romance and relationship, just for today

I will use my sexual energy to serve others and take care of myself in an "enlightened self-interest" sort of way

I will be grateful for the things I have

I will pray often throughout the day

I will practice mercy and forgiveness, with myself and others

I will meditate and try to ascertain God's will for me

I will not take myself too seriously

I will be gentle with myself

When I objectify I will pray "Sister, may no harm come to you from me"

If I want to fantasize I will pray "Sister, may no harm come to you from me" to the object of my fantasy

When I want to intrigue I will pray "Sister, may no harm come to you from me"

I will call others on the phone and check in how I am feeling

I will relax

I will be grateful that my sexual energy is so strong and that I can channel it in positive, creative and useful ways

I will have a positive attitude

I will work on my cardio, strength, endurance and flexibility today. As Gandhi says "As with the body, so with the Universe".

I will practice being content with my soul

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 16

To achieve chastity, be prepared to lose everything. Chastity is a ravaging force to which nothing seems sacred or inviolate. It rips to shreds the structures and foundations I built in weakness and ignorance.

Chastity at any cost...talk doesn't cook rice

Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the vow

There are those who choose to live like eunuchs to know the kingdom of heaven. If you can accept it, accept it

Acceptance is being positive

I surrender my right to be sexual

Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings

Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others

When should you have sex with a woman? When you want to lose the strength you have

A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary incontinence

Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like

We did not squander our energy on addictive acting out, in spite of severe temptations to do so

Breathe…Be positive

Mercy Offices 17

HP,

Just as an experiment, help me think of the group instead of trying to get my instincts for sex, love, romance and relationship met, just for today.

Help me to pray today and post my prayers so that my 11th step for myself becomes a 12th step for others.

...instead of trying to get my instincts for sex, love, romance and relationship met, just for today.

Help me to take a moral "spot check"  inventory of my food, money, family of origin issues and sex life and to post that so that my 10th step becomes a 12th step for others.

...instead of trying to get my instincts for sex, love, romance and relationship met, just for today.

Help me to pray, and live with my recovery community, just for today.

...instead of trying to get my instincts for sex, love, romance and relationship met, just for today.

Help me to listen to prayers as I workout, clean my house, cook, shop and drive to work.

...instead of trying to get my instincts for sex, love, romance and relationship met, just for today.

Help me to call my fellows and check in with them how I am feeling and why, and to ask them how they are feeling and why.

...instead of trying to get my instincts for sex, love, romance and relationship met, just for today.

Tomorrow I can pursue sex, love, romance and relationship, if it is your will, but for today...Sabbath!

Mercy Offices 18

Psalm 21 Excerpts

1 O LORD, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give!

2 You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips. "Selah"

3 You welcomed him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.

4 He asked you for life, and you gave it to him--length of days, for ever and ever.

5 Through the victories you gave, his glory is great; you have bestowed on him splendor and majesty.

6 Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.

7 For the king trusts in the LORD; through the unfailing love of the Most High he will not be shaken.

Mercy Offices 19

Help me to be unselfish, just for today

Help me not to see women as objects of my sexual desire, just for today

Help me not to see women as possibilities to meet my own neediness for emotional safety, love and belonging or esteem (validation), just for today

Help me not see women as occasions for romantic or relational intrigue, just for today

Help me not see women as people who might meet my desire for affection or for company, just for today

Help me not see women as objects of love that may complete an emptiness within me, just for today

Help me see women, as I see men, as people to serve, just for today

Mercy Offices 20

Chastity gives me freedom from:

doubt and uncertainty

religion

sexaholism

relational objectification

romantic fantasies

romantic intrigue

love fantasies

love intrigue

sexual intrigue

sexual fantasies

writing, playing or listening to romantic music

fornication

sexual hangovers

grieving relationship endings

hurtful repercussions of ending of relationships with spurned women

dating sites

marriages

divorces

custody cases

But mostly...freedom from doubt and uncertainty

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 21

Help me to stay chaste today, to surrender all thoughts, words, actions, feelings, attitudes, and  beliefs around sex, love, romance and relationship (SLRR) to you today.

If SLRR are to be in my life today, help me to be grateful for them as gifts from You.

Help me to have the wisdom to discern when SLRR are from You, and when they are self will on my part, or simply self will on someone else's part.

If SLRR in my life is self will today, help me to surrender it. If it is self will on someone else's part, help me set a firm, healthy boundary with them to protect myself.

If I am using SLRR to create chemicals in my head to make me feel better, feel more, feel less or not feel anything, help me to realize that this is addiction and seek help.

Help me to accept that SLRR is a mysterious combination of many, many things that no man or woman understands fully and that my best chance at being successful at this, whatever that my look like, is to seek your will and your help in this activity.

Help me to realize that often it is not getting what I want in SLRR, but being okay without it, that is called for.

Help me to realize that if I have SLRR in my life that I need to be grateful for what I do have.

Finally, help me to realize that SLRR is your idea, not mine...what a mind you must have!

Mercy Offices 22

What would I do differently if I accepted a vow of chastity, starting today?

Breath prayer

Positive attitude

PrayerCall

More exercise

Cleaner food

Music as healthy entertainment

Transmute all intrigue to prayer

Mercy Offices 23

HP,

Help me to beware of my potential for codependence as I create, that this need is to create for joy…for myself.

Help me to have my need for contentment met fully, not necessarily perfectly, before I approach this need, for creativity.

Help me remember that my need for prayer and service comes before my need for contentment.

Help me to have fun meeting this need.

Help me to remember that I look for fun, not peace, in this need being met.

Help me to remember that I have one yet higher need, that for peace, which can only be approached through my soul

Amen

Mercy Offices 24

Chastity Beliefs One

When I choose chastity, just for today:

I have attained my highest goal of self-love.

I am as close to myself as I can be.

I have a gift I can give God that brings me closer to him, personally.

I am fully realized, self-actualized, enlightened and mighty.

My whole life, up to this point, makes sense.

I can wear my recovery "Like a loose garment".

That...is good enough, for me.

Mercy Offices 25

The mind cannot do this

The body cannot do this

Not even the heart can do this

They are the wrong portals

It is only through the soul that I can know peace, although peace may shine forth in the other three.

How to access this portal?

Through the breath, the root of all spirituality, with the mind focusing (if Socrates is correct…and who knows , he may be wrong) on the solar plexus.

Concentrate, breathe and repeat...

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 26

I surrender to you. SLRR is an obsession. It is a mental illness.

Help me to be honest with myself that

A) A particular person is not a match
B) Having sex with someone who is not a match is using them

Help me to be grateful that while my losses are great, the obsession is also gone.

I am totally surrendered to you around SLRR. Help me to maintain only, if that is what you want, or to build, if that is your will.

I am grateful to you for the complete removal of my obsession. I am now, blessedly, normal, average, common, as well as healthy.

Help me to maintain the sanity of the perspective that while my losses are very real, there are many, many people with much greater losses.

Now that I have fully surrendered all self destructive illnesses that I am aware of, help me to build something positive, gentle and accepting.

I offer my actions, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and feelings to you today.

Finally, if Matthew 19:11-12 is best for me, help me to accept it, one day at a time, just for today

Help me to lighten up and take care of myself...just for today.

Mercy Offices 27

Help me “Remember always that our sex powers are God given and therefore good neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised or loathed."

Help me to transmute my sexual energy into serving others and into enlightened self-care.

Help me to not ‘Make heavy going' of life.

Help me not be dependent on a partner's love, when I need to love myself.

Help me not to act on sexual fear, or rigidity, and become sexually anorexic.

Help me “Avoid hysterical thinking or advice" around sex.

Help me to act lovingly towards all.

Help me to develop, emotionally and physically, my relationship with myself.

Help me to remember what Saint Augustine said
"Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation", and to trust you, if it is your will, to be sexual, to pursue love, to pursue romance, or co-create or maintain relationship.

Help “Mold my ideals and help me live up to them."

Help me accept love, service, kindness, gentleness, positiveness and acceptance from others, as well as give it.

Help me to approach relationship from a position of overflow, not a position of neediness.

Help me to remember that, after the instinct for survival, the instinct to be sexual is the strongest...and that, in all humility, I might need a little help.

Help me to remember that if sex is “Very troublesome" I am to “Throw myself the harder into helping others".

Mercy Offices 28

As Lao Tze would say, “Help me on this journey of mightiness (health).”

Help me conquer myself, just for today.

Help me have a "springtime of the spirit"

“Mighty” is “healthy” on steroids.

Help me first, to be satisfied in conquering myself and secondly, to know peace, through experiencing my soul.

Help me to surrender my thoughts, to breathe in deeply and to experience my soul as often as I can today.

Now that I am free, help me build a new life, doing what you want me to do.

Help me to surrender anything that would distract me from my soul

Help me to remember that as I change myself, I change the world.

Help me to remember when Al-anon quotes Blaise Pascal "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

Today I will look for love within myself….gentle, positive, accepting

Give me courage to act and wisdom to know when to act.

Help me to be positive, gentle and accepting of myself all day long today.

Mercy Offices 29

"As we are, so are the times."
Augustine
"As with the body, so with the Universe"
Gandhi

Have Mercy on me Lord, a sinner (Penultimate Cry for Mercy)

Cling To The Lord and cry out for mercy (Ultimate Cry for Mercy)


Mercy Offices 30

Intrigue - The transmission of sexual information or energy to see if the other person is available sexually. Sexual innuendo, double entendre, sexual jokes or simply bringing the topic of sex to the conversation. In its more subtle forms intrigue can be accomplished with eye contact, body language or intentional contact with someone who ‘triggers’ you.

Objectifying - Viewing another person as the object of personal sexual gratification. Also called "body parting" or "rubbernecking".

Fantasy - The use of memories of previous sexual experiences or the use of imagination to create sexual fantasies for the stimulation of sexual arousal. It is frequently, but not always, accompanied by masturbation.

Healthy Sexuality – Most of us believe that a healthy sexuality is characterized by commitment, love and intimacy.

Intimacy - The ability to share feelings, desires, needs, thoughts, attitudes and beliefs honestly and openly with another person; with yourself; or with a Higher Power

Commitment - a willingness to stay with a partner and work through pain and problems regardless of how you may feel. There is a limit to this commitment and that is when staying with a partner is clearly detrimental to oneself spiritually.

Love - actions, words and thoughts that are characterized by gentleness, positiveness and acceptance.

Spirituality - We define this for ourselves but a temporary definition might be-actions, thoughts, attitudes and beliefs that create and sustain healthy relationships with ourselves, others and perhaps a higher power.

Higher Power - The belief that there is a “power greater than oneself”-if only the power of the collective wisdom of the group, which can be helpful when you are powerless.

Celibacy Period - a time of complete abstinence from all sexual behavior including masturbation and sex with a partner. This is initially designed to determine exactly what behaviors you are addicted to.

Chastity - Celibacy accompanied by no fanatisizing, objectifying, intriguing, or any other activity which would arouse one’s own or another’s lust.

The Twelve Steps - A program designed to replace the addiction by attaining a spiritual (not a religious) awakening brought on by:
• Admitting powerlessness, believing there is help and accepting it (Steps 1,2,3)
• Becoming aware of one’s inventory and sharing it (Steps 4&5)
• Becoming aware of and developing one’s character. (Steps 6&7)
• Becoming aware of one’s harms and rectifying them (Steps 8&9)
• Maintaining the spiritual awakening by personal inventory, prayer and service (Steps 10, 11,12)

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 31

When I came in to AA I learned how to be honest, unselfish, and to genuinely care about other people through the acts of unselfish service…And I laughed a lot.

NA taught me to take a look at those pills I used to steal from my Mama's medicine cabinet.

When I joined ACA, I found my heart. I learned about feelings, boundaries, limits, and later, needs.

When I joined OA and FA I solidified techniques to have a strong heart, a small, firm waist line, soft skin, clear lungs, and a more quiet mind.

I quit smoking pretty early on, as I couldn't breathe at night, and there was, as of yet, no program for that.

When I joined DA I found how to be free of the anxiety of debt, underearning, overspending and extrapolated their ideas to learn to save, invest and to buy things at a good price.

When I join SLAA I learned how to rid myself of the shame of masturbation, and the fear of being caught in affairs. I learned freedom from objectification, fantasy, and intrigue. I also learned the joys of intimate and committed sex.

When I join WA, Workaholic Anonymous, and told them "I can't quit working the steps" they were a little perplexed, but I knew I needed to learn to be OK without doing anything…And I learned to repose...

I joined Al-anon and Coda and learned not to be a people pleaser or a door mat, and not to shame, blame or control when I felt angry, from feeling hurt.

The GA folks, Gamblers Anonymous, taught me to keep an eye on day trading in the stock market.

In Oregon five years ago, they started caffeine anonymous, but it failed.

In the last 28 years it's the only recovery I have relapsed on. But, I kicked it to the curb a couple years back.

All along I felt like a merchant searching for spiritual jewels.

One day, I met a 5' 1" Columbian man with the worst English you have ever heard.

In him I saw a quality, or a combination of qualities I had never seen before in a human.

Clarity unlike anything I have ever seen. An astounding intuitive intelligence, tremendous power in personal relationships and, most useful to me, a resilience that instinctively protected him from the vicissitudes of life.

He was funny, deeply compassionate, brilliant, energetic, powerful, dynamic and humble to his God...If you could understand what he was saying.

I saw the pearl I was looking for, within him.

I knew it wasn't him. It was the kingdom of God within him, that he had purchased at a great  price...and that price was chastity.

He had spent ten years in a Catholic monastery and could comfortably pay the price for the kingdom.

I was, honestly, much, much poorer than him spiritually and could not pay that price...

But I sold everything I had to buy it: A beautiful 2600 sq. foot, state of the art, home. I left a business I had had for 25 years, and I left a marriage to the prettiest woman you have ever seen, and one day at a time,

I try to purchase the pearl of great price, just for today...it gives me peace.

Mercy Offices 32

HP,

Help me to:

Celebrate

Revel in my new life

Embrace my freedom from illness

Enjoy my freedom from relational, health, legal, or moral problems

Do something fun today

Sing a song of joy

Clap my hands

"Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music"

Mercy Offices 33

Help me to love myself as though there were no one else to do it.

Help me to laugh at myself

Help me to be grateful for the progress I have made

Help me to be merciful to myself

Help me to love myself as though there were no one else to do it.

Help me to be positive

Help me encourage myself

Help me enjoy my successes

Help me to love myself as though there were no one else to do it.

Help me to have hope

Help me to have faith

Help me to know peace

Help me to love myself as though there were no one else to do it.

Mercy Offices 34

As one of my highest order needs, the need for contentment comes from being what I want to be.

Help me to want something I can achieve, so that I will feel content.

Help what I want to be sane and attainable, so that I may feel content.

While service makes me feel happy, joyous and free, feeling content is different.

Help what I want to have, do, or be, be reasonable, just and sane, so that having attained it, I am content with myself

Help what I want to be modest, so that it is attainable, so that I may obtain contentment .

Mercy Offices 35

Help me to accept the fact that my relationship with myself, because I am more often with myself, time wise, than I am with God, or others, is thereby, logically and reasonably, my most important relationship.
If that is true, help me not do anything that would
1)lower my self esteem
2)numb my ability to love myself
3)make it hard for me to accept myself

Help me have the wisdom to distinguish, clearly, the difference between narcissism and self love.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 36

When it's all done…

The kicking of:

Alcohol and drugs

Cigarettes and caffeine

Fatness and masturbation

Debting and Workaholism

Codependency, ACA, Victimhood

Even artistic pre-occupations

When all the service that brings happiness, joyousness and freedom is rendered and all the prayer and inventory of maintenance executed

When self care is mastered

And even chastity attained …

There is still peace to be had

Help me to know my soul…

Mercy Offices 37

HP,

Help me as I surrender all women to you, just for today

Help me as I fast and feel hungry for parts of this day

Help me as I pray assiduously to you throughout the day

Help me to forgive myself for my sins

Help me to give love instead of trying to get love

Help me to laugh as much as possible

Help me to eat healthy foods today

Help me to exercise some today

Help me to set boundaries, announce limits, feel my feelings, and meet my needs

Help me have a positive and grateful attitude

Help me to accept my life as it is by being
positive

Mercy Offices 38

Chastity is my personal highest spiritual goal today.

I have an attitude of gratitude around chastity.

I am humbly grateful to have received this gift.

I am grateful to have the wisdom to be alone.

I am grateful I no longer feel lonely or needy around being alone.

I am grateful to have developed the skills of being with myself.

I believe I am the very best I can be when I choose chastity.

When I empty my mind and body of lust, I become open to being filled with love...and that's kinda cool...

Mercy Offices 39

I don't know where you want me to go, but I know that the fastest way to get there is through chastity...

Help me to:

Surrender any opportunity to intrigue

Deflect any overtures, sexual or romantic

Be grateful that the wreckage of my unchasteness is so slight, comparatively

Pray as often as I can today to keep my mind pure

Remember that "As we are, so are the times"

Remember that "Conquering myself is not strong, but mighty"...Lao Tse

Remember that " Knowing others is wisdom, but knowing myself is enlightenment" Lao Tse

Remember that even enlightenment does not bring peace, only knowing my soul (or God's direct presence) brings peace

Mercy Offices 40

I will have mercy on myself

I have mercy on the child I was as a boy

I mercifully wash away the guilt I feel for what I did as a youth

I am cleansed of my sin as God's tenderness flows through my merciful heart

I am new

I will protect the new me, as I am tender

Guide me Lord in my new life

Amen

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 41

HP,

Help me when I am powerless

Help me to do your will

Help me to trust your will

Help me to breathe and relax

Help me to be grateful for my sobriety

Help me be grateful for the things for which I have no control

Help me to be satisfied with what I have

Help me be content with what I am

Mercy Offices 42

Ellen Bass, in the Courage to Heal, says that the whole book is about "Improving self-esteem".

If it is true that chosen chastity improves self-esteem more than any other activity, then chosen chastity would help survivors improve their self esteem more than any other activity.

That is my experience.

It is also my experience that the part of me that esteems myself is also the same part that intrigues, objectifies and fantasizes. And I can't do both things with that same part.

Therefore, lust (through intrigue, objectification, and fantasy) destroys my high self-esteem

Mercy Offices 43

HP,

To the best of my knowledge, I am fully surrendered to you today

As I am reasonably clear, help me access as often as possible my soul

When I start to workaholically ignore my soul, please help me to focus and concentrate

Help me to breathe slowly and deeply and focus on my solar plexus, as though it were a doorway

While I access my soul, let me stay fully ensconced in my group of friends, to stay grounded

Help me be grateful that I have escaped so terribly much wreckage, by the Grace of God

Help me stay solid with my food plan

Help me stay chaste, just for today

Help me, please, please, please...

Mercy Offices 44

When I am chaste:

I am as emotionally intimate, as I can possibly be, with other human beings.

I am most attentive to athletics.

I am most mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically present for the creation of music as 'healthful entertainment'.

All the sexual abuse of my past becomes non-impactful.

All the sins of my youth, and the errors of my adulthood, feel washed away.

My prayer life soars.

My service life is joyous to the point of being downright giddy.

Coincidentally, I am in line with the religion I have chosen.

My business life is laser focused.

Mercy Offices 45

The highest self esteem possible

Peace with the Bible and religion

Continued respect from 12 steppers and PrayerCall people

Integrity with PrayerCall people

Belief that you are being obedient

The five traditional gifts of chastity

Knowing you fulfilled an incredible destiny

The "whole pattern" of SLAA would be addressed

Internet dating would not be an option

Could face yourself and wrestle your mind down...everyday

Openness with everyone all the time

Maintain retirement

Sleep a couple hours less a day

A lot of free time

Could enjoy the gift of music

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 46

The F Office first promise of clarity is  "Efficient Perceptions of Reality"
Let's look at something dicey...

I have a strong reaction when my Mormon friends show me their literature claiming that sexual sin is second only to murder and that sexual sin begins with passionate kissing.

I have strong reaction when my conservative Christian friends quote Leviticus 20:10 and demanding the death of adulterers.

I have a strong reaction when the Sexaholics claim that gays are sick and are not within the will of God, even though that is now the law of the land of the U.S.

Ask yourself how you are feeling as you read these lines...

Often times the progenitors of 'no sex except within a marriage'  presentation is so repugnant that it is hard to see past their personal social vileness to see if there is any value or health in this particular belief itself.

As a child, because of my mental obsession with sex, I interpreted 'no sex except within a marriage'  as  'get married as soon as reasonably possible so I could have sex, as often as possible, without incurring negative consequences.'

The irrationality of that was obvious to me, even as a child, and I never did that.

But what about this interpretation?

"No sex except within marriage " means, at best,  to learn to be really OK without sex for a good while...that sounds pretty healthy to me.

I personally find that enlivening.

It would logically follow that: It's about letting go of an attitude of self pity for not having what I want...and rather choosing an attitude of gratitude for what I do have.

It's also about getting along with women better, because, to quote Puccini, they, all women, do want love and relationship, and I may not want that with them, specifically, for any number of reasons, so it helps, relationally, to not have to say

You are too:
Ugly
Old
Fat
Or crazy

...just sayin’

Mercy Offices 47

What do I want from it?

A more novel, healthful and useful question might be what can I bring to it? But let's look at the first question, first.

When I did my first fifth step, with a sponsor, immediately after, he asked me " So, now go figure what you want out of life"

It took a few days but my answer was..."Sexual satisfaction"

If I am honest, that's the first thing on my list of things I would want from a marriage.

Being a fairly abstemious soul (I haven't masturbated in over 27 years) and having hundreds of very satisfying, non-sexual relationships with both men and women, that priority seems, if not reasonable, at least understandable.

Secondly, I would say not company, companionship or even simply friendship.

I am not sure there actually is a fully adequate word for what I, and most humans desire. It is more of a feeling of family crossed with friendship.

Someone to spend the holidays, Saturday night, go to movies with, have dinner with, vacation with and sleep together with each night...So, family/friends

Thirdly, money...simple as that. To share expenses and wealth with. If you think this is superfluous or shallow, know that 80% of divorces are because of money.

What can I bring to a relationship?

Tremendous ability to connect emotionally

Can commit.

Endless laughter.

I can carry heavy things.

Spiritual giftedness

Excellence in fathering.

Social grace.

Excellent financially.

Experienced and adept lover

Did I say sense of humor?

Romantic songs

The gift of music

Good looks

Dress well

Live in good neighborhood

Can negotiate relationships

Travel well

Well read

Educated

Forgiving

Enjoys the arts

You know, I don't want to receive what I want and I don't want to give what I have.

I want to help the sick get well...

Mercy Offices 48

I have found the "Pearl of great price"

I have found the "Kingdom of God"

I have found the "Kingdom of heaven"

I have found "Eternal life"

I am no longer a "House divided"

I am no longer a  "Kingdom divided"

I am no longer "Serving two masters"

"Free at last, free at last…Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!"

Mercy Offices 49

HP,

Help me to:

Surrender all SLRR to you today and pick up a sense of humor instead

Stay on my food plan

Exercise

Serve others

Read spiritual literature

Go to meetings

Pray

Meditate

Do written step work

...and have faith that "I will get better"

Not to worry about yesterday, or tomorrow, just to do these things today...

Amen

Mercy Offices 50

I have come for me

Help me to unbaffle  and uncunn myself

Help me to walk like a King

Forgive my sins

Renew my youth like an eagle

Help me to breathe deeply today

Help me to exercise hard for my heart

Remove my character defect of lust, please

Help me to feel my soul so that I feel that I have enough

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 51

God,

I know I left you as a child

I want to get back to you

I don't know how to get back to you with this new thing

I find I am addicted to intrigue

Mercy Offices 52

I must:

Fight for my chastity, when necessary

Strive for absolute honesty

Strive for absolute purity

Strive for absolute love

Strive for absolute unselfishness

Be merciful and forgiving when I fall short of absolute perfection

Mercy Offices 53

I am free

I am chaste

I am a winner

I have loved God, now I can do as I please

I have no need to fear money, God will take care of me

I can play

Mercy Offices 54

I can relax

I am at peace

This is my way of living, my lifestyle, my home

I have achieved my greatest achievement...mastering myself

Mercy Offices 55

I am ready to ascend the mountain today

I will breathe and walk slowly and lovingly

I will rest and pray

I will laugh

I will enjoy this greatest journey

I forgive myself

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 56

I will have mercy on myself

I have mercy on the child I was as a boy

I mercifully wash away the guilt I feel for what I did as a youth

I am cleansed of my sin as God's tenderness flows through my merciful heart

I am new

I will protect the new me, as I am tender

Guide me Lord in my new life

Amen

Mercy Offices 57

HP,

Help me when I am powerless

Help me to do your will

Help me to trust your will

Help me to breathe and relax

Help me to be grateful for my sobriety

Help me be grateful for the things for which I have no control

Help me to be satisfied with what I have

Help me be content with what I am

Mercy Offices 58

Greatness...from within

Total and perfect chastity

Terrific body from living foods and exercise.

Much breath prayer

Lots of fun entertainment

Peace through knowing my soul

Mercy Offices 59

As with not drinking in AA, chastity is the only thing that is supremely important

Help relieve me of my workaholism around money

Help me to relax and know that I am enough, I do enough and I have enough

Mercy Offices 60

Help me to fully appreciate being with myself.

Help love of myself be enough.

Help me to accept that God is not going to help me anymore relationally, as he did 17 years ago. I am an emotional grown up now. I take full responsibility for myself.

Help health and freedom from disease be enough for me.

Help me be content striving to be chaste, no matter how falteringly.

Help me have mercy on myself.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 61

My very highest goal is to take sexual energy and transmute it into service for others.

Help me not become confused or doubtful around this goal.

Mercy Offices 62

There is something about a truly great man...

I believe that in seeing something better than normal, average life, we get to experience something greater than ourselves. In that sense we get to experience God.

I need God, so I need great men:

Jesus

Gandhi

Bill Wilson ( I didn't say perfect, I said great)

Martin Luther King

Jack Kennedy

Bobby Kennedy

Malcolm X

Hendrix

Coltrane

John Cage

Beethoven

Mohammed Ali

Robert Plant

David Clayton Thomas

Elvis

Bob Dylan

BB King

Albert King

Robert Johnson

Patrick Carnes

Bukka White

Louis Armstrong

John Lennon/Paul McCartney (they really weren't great alone)

Bela Bartok

Susan Sarandon

The Apostle Paul

Tolstoy

Julius Caesar

Alexander the Great

Socrates

King David

Aristotle

Paul Newman

Little Richard

Thomas Jefferson

Ezekiel the Prophet

All 12 minor prophets

Shakespeare

Mozart

James Joyce

Oprah

Now that Muhammad Ali's gone there are very few great left in the world…

Mercy Offices 63

HP

I have done it. Through decades of self purification I have achieved chastity.

Thank you Lord. It is enough for me.

Mercy Offices 64

I just want to shout out about PrayerCall.

I've been in AA for 35 years.

Also:
ACA,
Al-Anon,
OA,
FA,
NA,
DA,
SLAA,
SAA,
SA,
SCA,
GA,
SIA,
ASCA,
ISA,
EA,
Nar-anon,
S-anon,
Co-SLAA,
COSA,
WA,
Coda,
UA,
G-anon,
OA-HOW,
SRA,
AAA

But nothing has provided the unparalleled emotional/spiritual support that PrayerCall provides.

Mercy Offices 65

HP,

Help me today to be completely free from the mental illness of obsession with sex.

Help me to be completely free from any and all childhood abuse issues

Help me to be completely free from SLRR...just for today

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 66

God,

I pray for you to help me at four areas of my life today:
food, sex, money and family of origin issues.

I pray to take actions to be solvent.

I pray to take actions that will keep me (or get me) thin.

I pray to take actions that will keep me free of acting out unresolved father or mother conflicts.

I pray to surrender all actions and thoughts around sex, love, romance and relationship to you.

Help me to remember what Saint Augustine said, "Love the Lord…and do as you please" so that as I surrender these four areas that I pick up something fun in their place.

Give me a light heart, that I do not "make heavy going of life".

Help me to unselfishly serve others and balance that with self care.

Help me live One Day At A Time, one event at a time, one moment at a time.

Mercy Offices 67

HP,

Help me to feel all my feelings today, but only to act on the loving ones.

Help me to be grateful for my feelings as my connective tissue with myself, others and You.

Help me to remember that feelings are like a pendulum.  I can only feel the "good" (pleasant) feelings to the exact degree that I am willing to feel the 'bad' (painful) feelings.

Help me to realize and accept that sometimes love means not to act, but to simply feel how I feel.

Help me to remember that recovery is not about how I feel but how I feel about myself.

Help me not act on feelings that would lead me to being drunk, fat, high, poor, sexually pitifully and incomprehensibly demoralized, victimized, depressed or anxious.

Help me to balance taking the next right actions with feeling all my feelings, whatever they may be.

Give me courage to feel angry but not act violently or abusively.

Help me to remember that if I can't, or won't, feel my feelings, I will become an addict.

Help me to feel my soul.

Mercy Offices 68

Help me HP:

Help me to have mercy and forgiveness

Help me to not make unreasonable demands on myself

Help me find a way of reducing these demands

Help me find peace with myself and others through reducing this demanding attitude I have within me

Help me to forgive myself for my mistakes, failures, losses, slips and sins

Help me to see what is good in me

Help me to let myself off the hook...especially when I don't deserve it

Help me to let others off the hook, especially when they don't deserve it

Help me to be grateful for what I do have

Help me want what I have instead of trying to get what I want

After I surrender my attitude of demandingness, help me begin to inculcate an attitude of contentedness

Mercy Offices 69

Lord,

I surrender my obsession with sex, love, romance and relationship with women to you

Help me to use this energy and time for something else: prayer, service, inventory, laughter

Help me to pray when I have contact with women: in person, online, on the phone, in print ads, on movie screens, in billboards, in songs or in books, in my thoughts, memories or imagination "Sister may no harm come to you from me"

Help me not to use innuendo, double entendres, sexualized humor, romantic language, relational intrigue, sexual language, love intrigue or body language in my communications with women today.

Help me not to judge women, because when I objectify, I do

Help me to stay satisfied within myself so that I have no need to judge, but if I am to judge, help me to judge women with this standard: would this person make an appropriate wife?

And by the way Lord, help me not to take this too damned seriously.

Mercy Offices 70

Help me when I fail, sin or lose...when I fall short, am in error, make a mistake, or just intentionally do wrong.

As Theresa would say "Don't let my sins become bad habits”.

Help me to forgive myself.

Help me not to demand perfection from myself anymore than a good father would demand perfection of a child.

Help me to be merciful and tender.

Help me to remember the wisest of all adages "Just keep coming back”.

Help me to be satisfied within myself.

Help me change my attitude from self-demanding to self-accepting .

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 71

Help me to love myself the way you would love me or the way that you would have me love myself.

Have mercy on me Lord a sinner

Help me to have mercy on myself

Help me to laugh at myself

Help me to be gentle, positive and accepting with myself when I fail.

Help me never quit encouraging myself.

If it is your will for all people to be healthy, help me to do my part today.

Help me start by being honest with my sex, food, money and family life through inventorying.

Help me to be grateful for my fellows.

Thank you for my opportunity to serve this group.

Help me to remember  that we are "Spearheads of God's ever advancing creation", be it ever so humble, one person at a time, beginning with ourselves.

Help me to serve you today through helping the willing.

Help me, heartbreaking though it may be, to let go of those who are unwilling, as an act of humility on my part, as their unwillingness separates me from you, and without you, I cannot be abstinent.

When I am struggling, help me get out of myself, by serving others as that restores my perspective and my need for esteem of others.

When I am experiencing neutrality, help me take care of myself.

If I want to change the world, help me start with me: my attitudes, actions, thoughts and beliefs.

I have faith in your will for me and I am grateful for the opportunity to carry that will out.

Mercy Offices 72

HP,

Help me to

Recognize that any day I am chaste I am a winner

Recognize that sometimes the very best I can do is be chaste

Accept that there will be times when I feel, needy, sad, hurt, and lonely without sex or love

Realize the importance of the work you are doing within me

Be willing to sacrifice my own desires for the health of others

Accept that I will need to develop my self care skills to previously unknown heights

Accept I am powerless to attain and/or maintain this state of being

Acknowledge that with your Grace and my effort we can do this

Mercy Offices 73

HP,

Help me to not only to acknowledge my failures, but to embrace them, so that I may let them go

Help me to want to be what I am, so that I may be content.

If I get contentment from being what I want to be, help me want to be, what I truly am

I am your servant...help that be enough for me, to be content

I am chaste...help that be enough for me, to be content

I am prayerful...help that be enough for me, to be content

Mercy Offices 74

Help me have mercy on me

Help me to forgive my mistakes, to be patient with myself, to have faith I will heal

Help me to exercise as though my life depended on it...because it does

Help me to accept chastity as the stairway to power within me and service to others

Help me have mercy on me

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 75

No sex until God says so…

Deal with the food!!!

Mercy Offices 76

God,

I have faith in your way.

Help me to forgive my failure.

Help me to have faith in myself that I will succeed in living your way.

Amen

Mercy Offices 77

HP,

I am willing:

to surrender my demand for more, to know peace

to care for my body, to know peace

to not listen to my mind, but to my soul, to know peace

to feel my feelings, which are transient, and to know that there is something more stable, consistent and eternal underneath, my soul, to know peace

To breathe and focus on my solar plexus (if Socrates is right...and who knows, he may be wrong) to know peace

Mercy Offices 78

Help me be gentle with myself when I fail.

Help me to be as merciful to myself as a great father would be to his child.

Help me to encourage myself.

Help me to have faith in myself.

Help me to be proud of my courage.

Help me to love myself today by taking the actions of love, having an attitude of gratitude and contentment, believing beliefs that are positive, gentle and accepting, thinking hopefully and feeling everything I feel.

Mercy Offices 79

A couple of chaste slogans:

Don't be like the horse or the mule..

No sex except within a marriage

I surrender my right to be sexual

A vow of chastity...just for today

No sex except to create children

Surrender!!!

Matt 19:11-12

Mercy Office 80

Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the vow

There are those who choose to live like eunuchs to know the kingdom of heaven. If you can accept it, accept it

Acceptance is being positive

Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings

Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others

When should you have sex with a woman? When you want to lose the strength you have

A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary incontinence

Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like

Have mercy on me Lord, a sinner

Sister may no harm come to you from me

Cling to the Lord and cry out for mercy

Celibacy, service and laughter

Chastity is happiness

Chastity is contentment

Chastity is peace

Knowing your soul...brings peace

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 81

HP,

Help me to let go of dishonest men

Help those around me to let go of dishonest men

Leave us with the sick and we will serve them

Help us to walk away from the dishonest, as an act humility, knowing there is nothing that we can do

Mercy Office 82

HP,

I would like to be with you, but I am not able to, so I am with me.

Adolescent "Speak to me...please"

Child "Speak to me...please"

Adult "Speak to me, please"

When "You do"...I am never alone

Mercy Office 83

Help me to appreciate the splendid wonder of love

Help me to recognize that it is your gift

It is clearly your gift, simply because it's complexity and subtlety is greater than any human mind can understand

Help me to acknowledge my limits and, as an act of humility…to enjoy the ride

Mercy Office 84

HP,

The Christians believe in no sex except within a marriage.

That makes me crazy…

I am powerless to do that.

John 14:15 says “If you love me, you will obey me”

Am I being rigid and foolish if I believe that?

And what of mercy?

Mercy Office 85

I have a mental illness, an obsession, with trying to do something I cannot do.

I cannot do “No sex except with in a marriage”

I am powerless to carry that out.

But I keep trying every several years.

It makes me me so much better.

I always fail.

But I always come back and try again.

Mercy Office 86

“We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed
(Big Book p84).”

But what if I have the opportunity to co-create life, through having children?

What a splendid opportunity that would be to share my power and strength with my beloved.

Help me to know when it is the right time to do that.

Mercy Office 87

“Sex only within a marriage”.

Is that truly your will for me?

That is what the Christians say.

…but I do not see myself as a Christian, I see myself as an addict.

Does this apply to me…and am I in denial?

Solution:

“In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it (Big Book p.69).

Mercy Office 88

Truthfully, sex only within a marriage is inextricably associated, in my mind, with Christianity.

Truthfully, though, the Jewish, Muslim, and Hindu traditions believe this also.

Truthfully, chastity makes my brain run clearer.

Mercy Office 89

Chastity makes my brain run clearer regardless of Christianity.

Why?

  1. Because I don’t allow myself to intrigue with or objectify my partner
  2. My seminal fluid is retained…Engines run better when the oil ain’t low, ya know,  LOL

Mercy Office 90

It is my belief that being chaste, as a unilateral decision within a coupleship, without the consensual agreement of my partner, is at least neglectful, if not sexually abusive…

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 91

What if my sexual commitment to my partner to be sexually responsive, as the instrument of his/her sexual joy, conflicts with my beliefs around religion?

For me, my sexual recovery program comes first.

Why? Because the God of Recovery brought me out of the “Iron-smelting furnace of Egypt” of my slaughtered childhood and because “Thou shalt have no other gods before me”….

I will obey the God of Recovery

The God of Recovery requires that I not masturbate or betray my partner…NOT that I be married before being sexual with my beloved.

Mercy Office 92

"'Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.
Leviticus 18:22

What does detestable even mean?

Detestable means:

abhorrent

hateful

loathsome

despicable

abominable

execrable…(what does that word even mean, LOL?)

repellent

repugnant

repulsive

revolting

disgusting

distasteful

horrible

horrid

awful

heinous

reprehensible

obnoxious

odious

offensive

contemptible

Really??? Do those sweet gay guys really deserve all that hate?

Doesn’t that level of hate deserve to be reserved for mass murders and child molesters?

…but the gay guys? Really??

Mercy Office 93

"'If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death
Leviticus 20:13

Wow! That’s pretty intense, LOL

Do we evolve?

We have evolved in Christianity to not oppressing African Americans in 1865.

We have evolved in Christianity to not oppressing women in 1920.

Will we evolve in Christianity to not oppressing gays?

Mercy Office 94

What if my highest goal was not:

Firstly, “To love God with all your heart, mind, body and soul.”

Or secondly,  “To love your neighbor as yourself”?

but more simply…

To feel my soul

To know my soul

To experience my soul

To be with my soul

To honor my soul

To express my soul

To be guided by my soul

To be comforted by my soul

That would be a total game changer…A new model!

Mercy Office 95

Even if the Christians are wrong,

Even if the Christians are spiritually-evolutionarily obsolete,

Even if the Christians are arrogant in their claim that the only way to God is through Jesus,

Even if the Christians historically oppress  women, hate gays and support slavery

They do call me to chastity and I find that helpful

Wisdom dictates: Take what you can use and leave the rest…

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 96

2/3 of Christians use porn (ChurchMilitant.com January 2016)

57% of Christian pastors use porn (Barna Update February 2016)

If you believe that every word in the Bible is literally true…you have a 91% chance of using porn

Shall we hate them…or shall we serve them?

Mercy Offices 97

Proposition:

It is God’s will not to use porn

It is God’s will to not masturbate

It is God’s will to not cheat on my partner

Rather, it is God’s will to commit to my sexual partner

It is God’s belief that do otherwise is sickness

It is further God’s will that we be compassionate towards the sick

Have mercy on us, your children, Lord.

Have mercy on us…

Mercy Offices 98

Sex with children is wrong…Always

Sex with animals is wrong…Always

Help me to be tolerant, flexible, merciful, kind, gentle, loving and humorous toward myself and others

But help me to remember that...there is right and wrong in the world

Mercy Offices 99

My religion says sex before marriage is sin

Finite periods of chastity are very healthful for me

I do NOT want to confuse these two things

Sex with emotional intimacy, commitment and love are fine…for me

Mercy Office 100

HP,

Give me strength, faith, hope and endurance as I enter this next chastity period.

Help me to trust that this is the very best thing for me

Help me to remember that no matter what challenges I may face in the next six months, that I will be better able to handle them with the gift of chastity that I give myself today.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 101

HP,

I am grateful for the clarity and strength and whatever modicum of wisdom you have given me, today.

I ask you humbly to remove my character defects of:

Narcissism

Impatience/demandingness

Grandiosity

Hypervigilance

and Controlling today

Amen

Mercy Office 102

HP,

I am grateful that I can use my sexual energy, transform it to work, and address challenges that create anxiousness in my life.

Mercy Office 103

Help me to use my transformed sexual strength to serve my:

family

friends

God

country

myself

…and all other human beinz on dis here planet of y’orn

Mercy Office 104

I am grateful to have two seemly opposing gifts from a period of chastity:

The capacity to work hard on financial issues and yet, the freedom and ability to address workaholism by relaxing, reading a book, and listening to music.

Mercy Office 105

I am grateful for my strength, clarity, humour, resilience and patience…brought on by my chastity

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 106

The Highest Jesus ever thought was the Sermon on the Mount.

The Highest Gandhi ever thought was non-violence.

The Highest I have ever thought is Celibacy, Service and Laughter.

Being in touch with my soul…is higher than anything I have ever thought.

Mercy Office 107

I humbled myself with fasting
Psalm 35:13
Declare a holy fast
Joel 1:14

Help me fast this morning to help my prayers, Amen.

Mercy Office 108

Not everyone is an alcoholic or a sex addict

But everyone must deal with money.

Help me surrender my anxiousness around money to you and look at money as a way to communicate and connect…

Amen

Mercy Office 109

Help me to take care of myself in chastity.

I will feel more.

Hurt is one of the feelings I will feel more.

When I feel hurt help me to remember that I need my anger more to protect me from feeling victimised, which is the number one addictive trigger to cause failure at chastity.

I am going to feel angry more…or I am not going to make it.

I commit to feel my anger…

Mercy Office 110

Higher Power,

Help me to have mercy on the: mentally ill, the liars and the emotionally abusive.

They are sick.

Help me to have mercy on these people.

Amen

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 111

No:

Art

Woman

Child

Home

Wealth

Talent

Neighborhood

Automobile

Food

Jewelry

Drug

Land

Sex

Stock

Power

Fame

Fortune

Religion

Recovery

Health

Life

Nothing is as important as my soul…for from it spring all the things of my life.

Mercy Office 112

Higher Power,

I am truly grateful for the clarity and power of chastity.

I can now begin to discern the difference between when sickness crosses the ever moving, and ever changing line and becomes evil.

I have witnessed words that I now know to be the evil of hatred, vociferously exchanged, between my parents as a child.

Help me not do evil today by speaking evilly to others, particularly when they attack me.

I am grateful for the resilience of chastity.

Thank you for teaching me that.

Mercy Office 113

What does evil mean?

sinful

iniquitous

depraved

vicious

corrupt

base

vile

nefarious

pernicious

destructive

wicked

depraved

unrighteous

corrupt

disasterous

calamitious

woeful

miserable

sufferingful

sorrowful

Chastity protects me from all these because:

Wisdom is mobile beyond all motion and she penetrates and pervades all things by reason of her purity.

Mercy Office 114

I am grateful for you lifting my obsession with, and freeing me from the compulsion of:

Alcohol

Drugs

Cigarettes

Caffeine

Food

Sex

Love

Romance

Relationship

Work

Debt

Codependence

Adult Children of Alcoholics issues

Victimhood

Artistic and Mystical preoccupations

Gambling

And thank you for the greatest gift of all…chastity, which gives me the resilience to live in all the sickness in this world.

Mercy Office 115

HP,

Help me when I am announcing limits and setting boundaries left and right with people who are misnaming their out-of-control behaviour, as controlling on my part …and help me to cling to my soul with all my might.

Amen

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 116

I am grateful to know how to successfully not only to stay sober during the holidays, but get better.

To work my program harder than normal.

Thank you for the wisdom I have seen in other men, in other programs, who have modelled that for me.

Mercy Office 117

HP,

Help me to love me when I am in conflict with someone else.

My need for esteem of others is not met when I am in conflict, by the other person.

My need for love and belonging is not met when I am in conflict, by the other person.

My need for safety is not met when I am in conflict, by the other person.

Help me to meet those needs for myself, when I am in conflict, with another person.

Mercy Office 118

Part of addiction is that it is fun.

It is fun to get drunk, get high, smoke cigarettes, drink coffee, eat too much, have carefree sex or use porn, spend too much money, not work…It’s fun.

When I surrender those things help me pick up something else fun

Like biking and reading…

Mercy Office 119

HP,

I humbly ask you to remove the defect of character of narcissism.

Help me meet my need for love and belonging, esteem of others and safety in ways that don’t harm others.

Help sharing my truth be tempered with love.

Mercy Office 120

When in conflict I will grieve…(I will feel needy, hurt, sad and lonely).

Help me to surrender any self-pity which might be “an evil and corrosive thread” (p.67 Big Book) when I grieve.

Help me to have a positive attitude around my grieving, e.g.  “I am sober, can feel sustained grief and not act out, and I am grateful for that strength”.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 121

Please remove my character defects of:

narcissism

extreme thinking and acting

patronizing/being a victim

grandiosity

demanding/impatience

hyper-vigilance

taking myself too damned seriously

obsessiveness

dishonesty

selfishness

worrying

speaking evilly

controlling

When I am addressing money issues in my life that you have blessed me with

Mercy Office 122

Help me to remember with money that:

“Anger is the Backbone of Recovery” And that “Anger solves problems like a fan folds papers”

Mercy Office 123

I am grateful for Celibacy, Service and Laughter…

Help me to remember that Service has two parts:

Unselfish service to others and “Enlightened Self Interest”

Self Care today looks like:

Weighing and measuring my food/sticking with my food plan

Reading books for fun

Creating a Spending Plan

Prayer

Forgiveness

Listening to music

Vigorous exercise

Being grateful for God lifting my obsession…thank you, thank you

Mercy Office 124

Being in touch with my soul is the most important spiritual goal I have today.

If I do, I can feel peace no matter what the day may bring.

Mercy Office 125

I am so grateful for the power of chastity.

I am grateful to be able to give my partner the peace of mind of not fearing for her immortal soul.

Whether there is genuine cause for fear for her immortal soul doesn’t really matter. I give her peace of mind by surrendering my own selfishness.

That is pretty cool…

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 126

HP,

I am as surrendered to you, in relationship, as I have ever been.

But, as Patrick Carnes says  “Addiction is the disease that migrates ”.

Please help me not to simply let my sex addiction just move to food addiction.

I will do my part.

Amen

Mercy Offices 127

What if morality were not seen as resentment, fear and selfish sex as the Big Book outlines, or “Sex, security and society” as the AA 12x12 outlines, but simply as anything that keeps me from my soul?

Something new. Something simple. Something childlike.

Mercy Offices 128

The Two Step Program

  1. I suffer at my own hand and I can’t stop
  2. I find my soul

Mercy Offices 129

HP,

Please help me not let overeating food, compulsive eating or obsessing over food impact my capacity to feel my soul, just for today.

Mercy Offices 130

HP,

Help me to have mercy on those that I love who are in relapse.

Amen

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 131

HP,

Help me to take care of myself when those I love are in relapse.

Please

Mercy Offices 132

HP,

Help me to simply keep doing what I am doing as I am liking what I am getting.

Amen

Mercy Office 133

If Gandhi is right, and who knows he may be wrong, we get to live one more life, for fun, once we become enlightened.

Help me to make this life, that bad boy ?

Mercy Office 134

What does enlightened mean?

Well informed

aware

sophisticated

advanced

developed

liberal

open-minded

broad-minded

educated

knowledgeable

wise

civilized

refined

cultured

cultivated

If chastity gave me all those things, would I do it?

Mercy Office 135

HP,

I am grateful for my professional failures in my life.

If I had gotten what I wanted I wouldn’t have had to look inside me to find satisfaction.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 136

HP,

With chastity as the engine that gives me the strength I need, help me to balance work, serving others and fun, just for today.

Amen

Mercy Office 137

Help me to keep my mind on my own business, to keep my eye on my own plate, and to keep my side of the street clean and…

To do one thing at a time, keep first things first, keep it simple and easy does it as I head into my Monday morning
( Monday, Monday heard wafting in the background)

Mercy Office 138

Help me,  please, to practice humility and humour today

Mercy Office 139

You have chastened me severely but you have not given me over to death.
Psalm 118:18

Okay God, I asked for you to remove my character defect of controlling...and today you have made me “entirely ready”.

I feel shame, humiliation and hurt, but if that is the level of pain I need to feel, to recognize, and to be entirely ready to have the defect of character of control removed then I humbly ask you to do the necessary spiritual surgery...

I know, full well, that character defect removal is painful...bring it on, pour it on, do what you must...I am ready

Amen

Mercy Office 140

Help me to enjoy this life today by reading…for fun!

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices 141

Detach with love.

How do I do that without appearing cold or disinterested.

How about this version: Detach with humor

Mercy Office 142

"After attaining freedom, one has one step further to go...To enjoy embodied existence as a consequence of one's good deeds as well."
Gandhi

Enjoy myself after enlightenment? How, for me?

Reading

Biking

Watching Opera

Watching Movies

Singing

Mercy Office 143

Help me to let go of my past.

I am no longer a musician.

I am getting to spend my life in prayer and service.

That is enough for me.

Mercy Office 144

HP,

Help me to detach with love and if possible with humor as I let go of the sick and unwilling.

Help me to live in Step Seven around controlling, impatience/demandingness, grandiosity, hypervigilance, speaking evilly, worrying, patronizing/being a victim.

And live in Step Nine today by making amends to myself by relaxing, not working, reading Dickens, doing pushups through the day, and having a new shirt made for myself, as an amends for the harm I have done myself.

Amen

Mercy Office 145

Help me to have mercy on myself as I head down the last two weeks of this chastity period.

I find that I really wanted it for 40 days, but that I do not feel that way now.

Help me stay faithful to myself.

Help me to remember that chosen chastity, for any reason, other than if I am a sexual anorexic (which I am not) is healthful, invigorating and life giving to myself,
…and I have lot’s to do today, that that conserved sexual energy will help “Give me an edge” as I face my challenges today.

Just for today, help me be faithful to myself.

Amen

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 146

If I want to change my mind, in the middle of a chastity period help me to stay:

Clear

Unstained

Certain

Firm

Secure

Tranquil

Mercy Office 147

What about, not on the child’s perspective, but on the other end of life?

How is the best way to be old?

Laughter

Freedom from all addictions…enlightenment

Knowing my soul

Exercise

Reading

Inventorying

Prayer

Service

Mercy Office 148

HP,

Help me to fast 12 hours a day between my dinner meal and breakfast meal…
That is why they call it breakfast…I break my fast.

Mercy Office 149

If it is true that:

“As we are, so are the times”
Saint Augustine
“As with the body, so with the Universe”
Gandhi

Then why would I not put “Self Care” through exercise and diet, after my sobriety, as my number one priority?

Mercy Office 150

Pushups or addressing an account receivable, first?

Pushups!!!

readings

B Office

Mercy Office 151

HP,

Help my prayers to raise my dopamine levels, and through the plasticity of our brains that you have created, heal me from my illness.

Amen

Mercy Office 152

What is enlightenment if not finding my soul and being able to access it instantly?

Mercy Office 153

What comes after enlightenment?

A fun life!

Mercy Office 154

I have recovered. I have become enlightened.

All I want to do now is just thank God all day long.

Mercy Office 155

I had a knowing, after morning prayers, that chastity helps my relationship with my Higher Power today.

It also helps my relationship with myself and others.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 156

“In many cases, our primary problem was not our acting-out behaviors themselves, but how they ultimately affected our lives.”

Not agreeing with the moral standards of my society has cost me dearly relationally.

Help me to have mercy on myself…for the beating I have taken, as I fought for my psychological life against my alcoholic parents.

Have mercy on me, Lord.

Mercy Office 157

I can see, now, that when my father said “Always improve” that I took that suggestion, so far, that I never was able to “Enjoy the journey”.

I humbly ask you to remove my character defect of perfectionism.

Mercy Office 158

As an act of commitment, help me to “Detach with humor”, when my partner becomes a tarantula under a dump truck.

Mercy Office 159

How do I want to live life, old?

Laugh as much as possible...

Accept instead of change…so it’s important to change everything I want to change before I get old, LOL.

I thought to emphasize reading. But that is a mistake…I need to emphasize exercise!

...and then read books

Mercy Office 160

As I have achieved within myself all that I ever dreamed of and more (though failing terribly without) help acceptance and mercy be the hallmarks of my life now.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 161

Chastity-Suffering and Character building

“But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness.”

“Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not.”

“We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering.”

“Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.”

As a child, the suffering I experienced was at my parents hands, so I revolt at the injustice of that suffering.

But I am a man now.

I can choose to suffer (which simply means that I feel the meta-feeling of hurt, needy, sad and lonely).

When I surrender what I want (which is to be sexual right now) I can build my character…I can “Man up”…one day at a time

Mercy Office 162

Humility and Anonymity

My second AA sponsor Don S. said in 1988, “You have become famous in an essentially anonymous program”…

If that is true, intentional or non-intentional, cultivating it is not humility or anonymity, but it is the “Instinct for society” run riot… “Real or imagined”, intentional or not…I surrender it.

Amen

Mercy Office 163

I will always have pain and problems. If I wait until they are gone to find my soul…My soul will be lost in my lifetime.

Mercy Office 164

HP,

The “God the Father” model is scaring the young addicts I am trying to be of service to.
I need a new model to help them.

I like Gandhi’s “God is Truth” model but I need to temper it with “God is Love”

Kinda like two goalposts on a football field

The Gridiron of God…LOL

Mercy Office 165

Help me to treasure the gift of connectedness that I have with you my God.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office #166

What a blessing it is to be chaste.
No more of the moral fighting back and forth around my childhood religion’s dictates.

My lifetime attitude of demandingness towards myself stops in it’s tracks.

All my strength remains inside my body.

My mind is silent.

I can just breathe in and out and feel my soul.

I “recreate” myself:

freshen

recharge

refresh

regenerate

rejuvenate

renew

repair

restore

resuscitate

revitalize

revive

Lovely peace…

Mercy Office #167

It’s coming up on 30 years that I am clean and sober.

I am in a lovely place with my Higher Power.

I can connect directly, instantly, with my soul, through old Buddhist breath prayer.

Daily inventory, prayer and service really work for me, everyday, one day at at time.

Thanks God

Thanks guys,
Steve D.

Mercy Office #168

The most important thing today is the food. Then to know my soul. Through humility, obedience, chastity and abstinence.

Mercy Office #169

While there are many, many things to do to become enlightened, to walk through that door, for me, with my mindset… I can only enter through chastity.

Take it or leave it...

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office #170

HP,

I am grateful for the last three years of PrayerCall.

I have found, through helping others to be chaste, my own chastity, and I am so grateful for that gift.

I have managed my money so that I did not have to work the last three years, to devote to PrayerCall.

I have very surprisingly found a beautiful partner.

And most importantly of all, I have found my immortal soul.

That is the gift, not of a lifetime…but 1000 lifetimes.

In humble gratitude,

Steve D.

Mercy Office #171

HP,

I am challenged in my life today.

Help me to remember that when I am challenged I have a tool which clarifies my mind, incites intuition, gives me personal power in relationships, and most preciously, resilience in relationship and that ultimate gift of self love is...chastity.
Gandhi said “Suffice it to say that with the gradual disappearance of the carnal appetite my domestic life became and is becoming more and more peaceful, sweet and happy”.

Chastity is also the key to my soul and in knowing my soul…I do not need anything else to fulfil me.

Mercy Office #172

My path is as a chaste living foodist.

After that...I accept life

Mercy Office #173

I am humbly grateful that I am chaste today and free to make other choices in my life.

Gandhi said “I shall content myself with merely an declaring my firm conviction that, for the seeker who would live in the fear of God and would see him face to face, restraint in diet, both as to quantity and quality, is as essential as restraint in thought and speech.”

So, I am truly grateful that I am conscious of my food choices.

Mercy Office # 174

HP,

First, let me thank you for lifting the obsession to drink 30 years ago today.

Nothing is more fundamental to my life than that.

Second, let me thank you for getting me sexually sober. This is where I have lived, moment to moment, for the last 30 years.

Third, let me thank you for letting me father. After sexual sobriety, this has been the most precious of gifts you have bestowed on me.

Fourth, let me thank you for the opportunity to serve others as a life goal.

Through this, I have found “Happiness, Joyousness and true Freedom.”

Also, I have found not the God of books or religions, but the living God...the God of unselfish action, which is available to anyone willing to try it.

Fifth, let me thank you for the opportunity to pray throughout each day.

Despite the prejudice associated with it, because of religion, it is a tremendous emotional relief...tremendous.

Sixth, let me thank you for the opportunity for PrayerCall...the salvation of my life.

Seventh, let me thank you for the opportunity to love a woman again...Wow!

Who would have thought that would happen again with such a beautiful woman, not only on the outside, but even more so on the inside.

Thanks HP

Steve D.

Mercy Offices 175

When I feel untethered, unmoored or disconnected I remember what what Gandhi said:

“Religion without sacrifice means nothing”.

Recovery is the same.

The healthiest posture, for me, in my life, is to be surrendering behaviours that are self-destructive to a power greater than myself.

Earlier in my life this meant things like alcohol, drugs, smoking, masturbation and affairs.

Now it means being overly sexual or over eating.

Saint Augustine said “Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation”.

This morning I surrender both sex and food to the Universe, that non-verbal void, that I feel no emotional connection with at the moment.
In humility, I know that this is the next right thing for me to do…just for today

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office 176

“As with the body so with the Universe”
Gandhi

Cardio respiratory exercise

Core/abdominal work

Yoga

Pushups

Weighing and measuring my food

Raw organic vegan living foods

And for my mind...prayer

Mercy Offices 177

Cardiovascular exercise makes me feel normal and healthy.
Trying to lose weight through exercise is a fool’s game.

Regardless of my food…I exercise

Mercy Office # 178

HP,

My very best relationship with you comes when I surrender my sex, love, romance and relationship to you just for today.

I surrender these things to you and transmute the remaining energy into inventory, prayer, service…and laughter...just for today.

Mercy Office #179

The Gift of Clarity

HP,

I have had mercy on myself today by surrendering all sex, love, romance and relationship to you.
My partner asked for a chastity period today and I readily agreed.

I am grateful to her for her open and pure heart that seeks only for knowledge of your will for her and thereby, because of our commitment, knowledge for us, as a couple.

I know that while the gifts of sexual love are your gifts, not to be used lightly or selfishly (Big Book p. 69), that it is my gift to myself when I surrender these things, to you, for a finite period, so that I can see more clearly, and through my commitment to her, my gift is to us.

Readings

B Office

Mercy Office #180

There is so terribly much more giftedness available to me than just not using porn and not masturbating…If I want it and know where to look.

I can have peace of mind, by simply surrendering my “Right” to sex, love, romance and relationship, just for today.

But, if I can just squeak in through that seemingly impossibly tiny doorway, I might, maybe get a look at my immortal soul.
If that is really true, can you imagine the impact that would have on my life once I got that piece about myself?

If all I want is NoFap success, that is like saying all I want from a marriage is woman whose last name is easy for me to remember.

Come on guys we can do better than that…let’s reach for the sky!

Mercy Office #181

Do you want to be thin?
Be self-restrained.

Mercy Offices #182

HP,
Help me to remember that I am powerless over the fantasy, anxiety and rage that the disease of codependency creates in others, and that to react to that disease would make me a…Codependent-Anon!

And Lord I have enough programs to attend to!

Mercy Offices #183

HP,
“As with the body so with the Universe”

…help me to take care of myself in an “Enlightened Self-Interest” sort of way and to “Mind my own business”

….by following my food plan and exercising

Mercy Offices #184

HP,
Help me be as tough as I have to be to be able to maintain my abstinence.

As Ma Joad said “The family must get across”.

Mercy Offices #185

Mercy Office #31 is about the most spiritually gifted man I have ever known, and my most gifted sponsor.
I lost track of him in his ascent to fame 20 years ago.
I caught up with him on Facebook two weeks ago (8/2018).
He was completely lost to the food and to Starbucks

…as was the most truly enlightened priest I have ever met, Rev. Gray T.

There but the Grace of God go I.
Have mercy on us all, Lord,

Help me to have mercy

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices #186

HP,
Please help me to unselfishly support my partner in her colossal effort today and to use my energy, that is provided, by you…for her.
Amen

Mercy Offices #187

God,
Thank you for you gift of success today! We are headed back to the USA…Hallelujah!

Mercy Offices #188

HP,
The word matrimony comes from the Latin word Mater which means mother.
As I go into this next phase of SLRR help me to utilise my sexual energy in ways that will help create healthy children.
Amen

Mercy Offices #189

Help me to use my sexual energy for creating children, the initial, primary, but not the only thing, that you designed sex for out of your Unspeakable Wisdom…

Readings

B Office

Mercy Offices #190

HP,
Help me to transmute my sexual energy into creating income for my family.
Note: Result was splendid
Amen

Mercy Office #191

HP,
I am grateful for chastity today. It gave me the courage and strength to fight for good today. Even though I did not succeed twice….I fought good and pure and strong. Thank you for the super charge.

Mercy Office #192

HP,
As my fiancee and I begin to look at creating children, help me to be unselfish, knowing that I will be sacrificing a great deal of my energy, but that it will be sacrificed for another…literally

Mercy Offices #193

HP,

Help me to have mercy on the mentally ill, but first to protect myself from their insanity.
“Love always protects”.

Mercy Offices #194

HP,

Help me to use my sexual energy today to:

Pray

Bike

Enlightenedly exercise daily self-care

Practice the guitar

Take an Apple computer class

Mercy Offices #195

HP,

Help me to accept my life, as it is, by being positive…and to enjoy the peace that that brings.

Mercy Offices #196

HP,

I am grateful to be emotionally present enough and financially perspicacious enough to seek out improvements for my wife’s wedding dress.

Thank God for simple sexual sobriety.

Mercy Offices #197

HP,

I understand that I cannot attain the state of holiness that is possible through chastity....but, having sex today sure was fun, LOL

I did not “despise or loath” sex, nor did I use it “selfishly or lightly”…just as you direct in the Big Book.

Mercy Offices #198

HP,

I am grateful for the strength to take care of myself today. To do the difficult, the unpleasant, the necessary.

Mercy Offices #199

HP,

I have compassion on myself as a 19 to 25 year old.

I admire my courage and I have mercy on my efforts.

I see now that what I really wanted was to be loved as a young man, 19-25.

I am grateful that I can provide that love now at 63, amply, easily, freely, contentedly.

Mercy Offices #200

HP,

Help me to remember that I have achieved peace of mind , that rarest of states, and to be grateful and thankful for that everyday.

Mercy Offices #201

HP,

Our bikes got stolen last night, but I choose gratitude today.

Especially for 60 days, today, of my new Food Plan.

As Gandhi said “The extinction of the sexual passion is as a rule impossible without fasting.” And “At that time I did not understand, or nor did I believe in, the efficacy of fasting.”

I wanted a spiritual food plan, and I didn’t like the spirituality in FA, so I researched the old Jewish texts and I found:

Declare a holy fast”
Joel 1:14
“I humbled my self with fasting”
Psalm 35:10
Ezekiel 4:10
“The food you eat will be eight ounces a day by weight, to be consumed daily at regular intervals.

From the book of Daniel:

1:8
But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way.
1:12
"Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink.
1:13
Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see."
1:15
At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food.
1:17
To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds.

Those who make light of dietetic restrictions and fasting are as much in error as those who stake their all on them.

Mercy Offices 202

HP,
I am grateful for the ease of Sunday afternoons. Practicing the ancient Jewish tradition of Sabbath the last year and a half has been very good for me.

Mercy Offices 203

HP,

“Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation”, Saint Augustine

I like physical intimacy on Sunday mornings and afternoons.

Mercy Offices 204

HP,
I feel anxious around my work tasks today. I turn my life over to your care and I seek your will.
Help me to “Lighten up”!

Mercy Offices 205

HP,
Help me to produce today, to take care of myself,

to share with others,  and be grateful that you have restored me to sanity around sex addiction "permanently"...one day at a time

Mercy Offices 206

HP,
I want to work for my money, as a middle class man.
Class determined by money is kinda like beer:
“Foamy and frothy at the top, bitter draught at the bottom, full bodied and robust in the middle”

Mercy Offices 207

“It’s the same thing, singin’ an’ prayin’, jus’ the same thing.”
John Steinbeck. “The Grapes of Wrath.” .

Mercy Offices 208

HP,

Sex addiction recovery has given me the opportunity to live a normal simple life, loving a wife and creating a family and working as a "useful member of society".
I am unabshedly grateful...

Mercy Offices 209

Chastity periods are always available to me as an energy resource. It's ironic that abstinence from sex...helps my sex life.
As my sponsor would say  "It is a paradoxical perplexity".

Mercy Offices 210

HP,
I am grateful that I have:

“Fully surrendered to you”, as the 12 steppers would say,

“Acknowledged you in all my ways”, as the ancient Jews would say,

“Sought the Kingdom of God and his righteousness”, as the Christians would say,

“Trusted the process” as the therapy folks would say.

I start a new life today and the first thing on the to-do list is financial self-care.

Help me to do it your way…with a sense of humor, being positive, and being grateful.

Mercy Offices 211

HP,
Help me deal with tarantulian clients today.

Mercy Offices 212

HP,
Have mercy on my brother who was robbed today. Help me help him.

Mercy Offices 213

HP,
I pray for humility today.
I pray that I do not exceed my limits, because if I do I will act out.
Help me to be honest, with myself, as to what my limits are, as an act of humility.

Mercy Offices 214

“ People mutht be amuthed, Thquire, thomehow,”
Charles Dickens. “Hard Times.”
(Just a literary version of slogan-Lighten Up!)

Mercy Offices 215

Pregnancy is the joy of life, literally, but it brings on physical challenges.

As previously, one of the ways to get energy to meet those challenges is through chastity.

My wife and I are practicing that, finitely...by agreement.

Mercy Offices 216

HP,
“Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle".
Psalm 144
Mercy Offices 217

HP,
Help me do war with whatever addiction, compulsion, obsession, personal character defect, institution, person, principle, energy, mistake, sin, evil, accident, vengefulness, stupidity, ignorance, foolishness, naivety, error, miscalculation or just plain dumbness that would stop me from being abstinent.

No excuses…

No excuses…

Mercy Offices 218

HP,
I am thankful for my enemies as they keep me strong.
Help me to seek your guidance as I go out to war.

Mercy Offices 219

HP,
I want to stay sober around alcohol, so I can stay sober around sex/masturbation, so I can stay abstinent around food, so I can act and think soberly around work and money today.

Mercy Offices 220

HP,
I can find you through unselfish service to others.
I can find you through meditation.
If I am spiritually developed enough, I can find you within.
But help me to be humble enough to find you…so that I will succeed financially today.

Mercy Offices 221

“Tell me what company you keep...and I’ll tell you who you are”
Cervantes
I reject the sexually addicted narcissism of
Hendrix.
I reject the food addiction and smoking of
Segovia
I reject the alcoholic madness of Beethoven
I reject the alcoholism of John Cage
I reject the drug addiction of Michael Jackson and Prince
I reject the food and drug addiction of Elvis
I reject the food addiction of B.B. King
I reject the food addiction/drug addiction of Louis Armstrong
I reject food addiction and sex addiction of Coltrane
I reject the gambling of Mozart
I reject the narcissism of Wagner and Miles Davis
I reject the self-pity of Mahler

I reject the neuroticism of Schoenberg, Webern, Bartok, Stravinsky and Varese

I reject the intellectualism of Bach

I reject the sentimentalism of Brahms, Tchaikovsky, Schumann and Schubert

Mercy Offices 222

HP,
Thank you for giving me the strength, from the group, to do what I needed to do today to love you, my fellows, myself and my family...time to relax

Mercy Offices 223

HP,
When I feel fearful and anxious around money help me to remember “Do not fret…it only leads to evil” (Ps 37:8)

Mercy Offices 224

HP,
Help me to smile. Help me to laugh...when it comes to my working day.
Mercy Offices 225

HP,
Help me to trust you as I do my part to serve others unselfishly and take care of myself enlightendly, that you are aware of my needs and that I am in your care,…even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Mercy Offices 226

HP,

Help me to be grateful that I am free from

  1. Alcohol
  2. Drugs
  3. Cigarettes
  4. Coffee
  5. Masturbation/Affairs
  6. Fat
  7. ACA
  8. Coda
  9. Narcissism
  10. Alanon
  11. Anon-anonism
  12. Victimhood
  13. Workaholism
  14. Debting
  15. Underearning
  16. Gambling
  17. Artistic and Mystical Preoccupations
  18. Love Addiction
  19. Romance Addiction
  20. Relationship Addiction
  21. Sexaholism

Mercy Offices 227

HP,
As I cannot make direct contact with you today, for guidance, I will access my memory of your love and wisdom...and hope I don’t botch it up too bad.

Mercy Offices 228

HP,
When someone takes the following actions, help me to remember that this person is being violently, and most merciful God, help me not act in kind.

  1. hitting or violence
  2. shaming, blaming or controlling
  3. yelling, name calling
  4. use of obscenity or profanity while expressing anger
  5. abandoning through coldness or silence
  6. choosing depression
  7. making small things big
  8. ignoring limits
  9. passive aggression
  10. fighting after 11:00pm…when we are tired, LOL

Mercy Offices 229

HP,
Help me to use my chastity to create emotional non-violence to improve my relationships, including financial ones.

Mercy Offices 230

I agree with Rousseau, Stravinsky and Oscar Wilde: “You either have giant talent or you don’t.”

God gives tremendous talent unerringly and unequally.

When people buy tickets for a concert they’re going to see something above and beyond their ordinary life. In that sense, they’re going to hear God, simply defined as something “Greater than themselves”.

God gifts us...not us.

If that’s true, then trying to compete, through education and arduous practice,to be the
best
most creative
fastest
most expressive
flashiest
most popular
most original
most innovative
most technically proficient
the most of anything...is a matter of pure narcissistic insanity.

Plain mental illness.

At that point, you don’t need a music teacher at that point…You need a therapist.

Mercy Offices 231

HP,
Help me keep a sense of humor and help me to detach from crazy people on this day of rest.

Mercy Offices 232

HP,

I have trusted you for 30 years in my “Seeking first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these shall be added to you”, and I have gratefully acquired 20 sobrieties.
Whatever your is will for me at this point, I gratefully accept.

Mercy Offices 233

HP,
Food Abstinence leads to Chastity.
Chastity leads to Non-Violence.
Non-violence leads to Laughter.

Mercy Offices 234

HP,
Help me to announce limits on income, so that I don’t become obsessed with money.

Mercy Offices 235

HP,
Help me, personally, to teach one young person music for free today, not just to sell all my time to the highest bidder.

Mercy Offices 236

“In brahmacharya lies the protection of the body the mind and the soul”

Gandhi

It is true. I feel:

More resilient socially,

More energetic

More athletic

Have a purer, more serene mind

Am more attentive to business

More intuitively in touch with my Higher Power

Stronger

More artistic

More fun loving

Mercy Offices 237

HP,

I have been abstinent, prayed six times, served others, balanced that with “Enlightened self-interest” all day and worked out.

I am grateful for the strength to do these things.

Now to relax..,

Mercy Offices 238

HP,

Help me to be grateful for:
my hygienic circumstances
the “Air-con”
the refrigeration
the solid floor
the “Inside plumbing”
the hot water
and the Internet.

Mercy Offices 239

HP,

Not Jesus, Bill W., Inner Child or Gandhi.
Something higher than that guides me.
I accept my own personal limits.
Guide me, please

Mercy Offices 240

HP,

The good news about money, made through work, is that any fantasies that would led to delusional beliefs are eradicated…by immediate financial failure.

Mercy Offices 241

Step Four...Part Two

What did I do, or what did others do to me, that caused me from being cut off from my soul, the genesis of all addiction?

Childhood sexual, physical, emotional and verbal abuse

Emotional neglect

Alcoholism
Prescription drug addiction
Smoking
Caffeine
Overweight
Masturbation and affairs
Overwork
Codependency
ACA
Victimhood
Gambling
Debting
Under earning
Love Addiction
Romance Addiction
Relationship Addiction
Artistic and Mystical Preoccupations
Narcissism

(Posting Step Four constitutes Step Five, digitally)

Mercy Offices 242

HP,

I have been challenged to rise to the sober occasion of normal “Life on life’s terms”.
I have done four sets of breath prayer totalling 1200 breaths, attended three PrayerCalls, stayed abstinent…and it ain’t 1:00pm yet

Mercy Offices 243

HP

As I battle against evil, versus sickness, help me be aware that all those around me may not understand the techniques used.

With a sick man you can confront.

With an evil man...you must love through being consistently positive.

Help me be aware of innocent bystanders

Mercy Offices 244

HP,

Help me to remember that having more money does not necessarily mean I am healthier or “better” with money.

Mercy Offices 245

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Matthew 6:33

Mercy Offices 246

HP,

Help me to be merciful but wise…and smart

Mercy Offices 247

HP,

I am so grateful for my successes today with money.
Thank you for my friends who helped me
I am glad many people showed me how to ask for help.
It is humbling…but I feel safe and comforted afterwards.

Mercy Offices 248

Step Six in Artistic Preoccupations:

What defects of character cause my addiction to artistic preoccupations?

Gluttony-yes
Pride-yes
Greed-yes
Envy-yes
Sloth-no
Lust-no
Wrath-no

But, by far, by far....Neediness for love

Which is completely immoral, especially now, since I have to capacity to meet these needs thoroughly without ever playing music ever again.

Step Seven in Artistic PreOccupations:

HP,
Please help me meet my own needs for love.
Amen

Mercy Offices 249

Step Eight in Artistic PreOccupations
I have made direct amends to everyone I have harmed except me with this illness

Step Nine  in Artistic PreOccupations

I play for fun and health

Mercy Offices 250

HP,

Chastity periods have been extremely helpful to me in my sobriety. As I am married now, help me to stay balanced in what Saint Augustine calls "Perfect moderation".
Amen

Mercy Offices 251

According to Werner Herzog's 2016 movie " Lo and Behold: Reveries of the Connected World :

“If the information that passes through the internet in one day were stored on a CD-Rom and stacked up...they would reach to Mars and back”

Mars is 57 million miles away.

A CD-ROM is .05 inches thick so there are 1.3 million CD ROMs in a mile.

A CD rom is 74 minutes long.

Multiply that by the 57 million miles to Mars and you have 89 quadrillion hours of internet information per day.

Divide that by the 7.4 billion people in the world  and you have over 12,000 hours day of internet information per person.

The most conservative estimates are that 4% of internet traffic is porn

That means that there are 500 hours of porn per day for every person in the world each day.

That’s a lotta porn…

 

Mercy Offices 252

HP,

Getting money is a form of being esteemed by others. Being esteemed, I can then translate that into esteeming myself.

 

Mercy Offices 253

Morning Benediction:

As we go out into the world, let's remember that it's God's will for us to be "Happy, joyous and free." And the way that we do that is to be of "Maximum service to God and our fellows", and to balance that with "Enlightened self-interest", manifesting as self-care.

Mercy Offices 254

HP,

Since I do not use sex for masturbation or affairs, I have the opportunity to use it for other purposes, like pleasing my partner and to create children. Thank you for healing me, so that I have that opportunity.

Mercy Offices 255

HP,

As I transition to a new life help me to pray, copiously, for those whose behavior might cause me resentment .

Please help keep my soul clean, Lord.

Mercy Offices 256

HP,

Help me to employ Gandhi’s techniques of non-violence, but to apply them to feelings as well, so that when someone tries to hurt me verbally/emotionally in financial conflicts, I do not react in kind.

Mercy Offices 257

(Thursday October 4, 2018)

Humility:

Last night I watched nine young classical guitar players perform.
Two of them were pretty talented.
All of them were missing notes
I thought about what Carl Czerny, Beethoven’s student, said
“In music, nothing is worse than playing wrong notes”.

Why were they missing notes, if that is so bad ?

Simple…They were playing things that were beyond their limits.

Help me to be honest about what my limits are, so that I have the opportunity to act humbly.

Without self-honesty…there is no humility.

Mercy Offices 258

HP,

Sexual sobriety is the most pervasive thing in my life. It colors every thought, feeling and action that I take.
Thank you for making me healthy in this area of my life...so that I could begin to look at other areas.
"First things first"

Mercy Offices 259

HP,

As it is your will for me to be balanced, help me to balance taking care of myself financially with serving people unselfishly.

Mercy Offices 260

What if I didn’t have to serve people to get well sexually?  Would I do it?

I would miss the love and belonging, esteem of others, spirituality, fullness of creativity and contentment that comes from it.

Can I integrate these into my work?

Mercy Offices 261

HP,

I am grateful for the freedom not to objectify women as I walk through my life, the freedom to be able to talk to women deeply and freely without intrigue, and to be able to sit quietly and not have my mind wander to sexual fantasy around women.

Mercy Offices 262

HP,

Help me to remember that purveyors and employees have needs for financial safety, love and belonging, and other-esteem, too.

Mercy Offices 263

HP,

Help me to protect myself from the mentally ill.

Help me to protect myself from blaming, shaming and controlling.

Help me to protect myself from Evil.

Help me to not take the rantings of the mentally ill seriously.

Help me to feel my honest anger from the abuse, and then have mercy, but only after I express the anger…Only then.

Mercy Offices 264

HP,

Help me to accept that I am not poor- that other people’s money supports me
Help me to accept that I am not rich-that my money works for me.
Help me to accept that I am middle class-that I work for my money

Mercy Offices 265

Evening Benediction:

As we head towards the balance of the day, let's remember the right we've been given on page twelve of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to “Choose our own conception of God".

May your conception of God be with you tonight and help you stay abstinent from whatever addiction, or constellation of addictions, you may have, until 12:01 tonight...and then we will renegotiate.

Mercy Offices 266

“Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.”
(Big Book Page 62)

This is the very first causative explanation of addictions.

It is a spiritual explanation, having to do with relationships.

Being self-centered around relationships is fundamentally unspiritual.

How does that translate sexually?

Ask yourself, “When I am using porn, is that being selfish?

Am I using porn to help my friends, family, wife, girlfriend, my children, my faith community, my country or the world?

The answer is a resounding “No”.

There is a spiritual antidote to this poison and it works in two ways:

  1. Unselfish service to others who are struggling with this addiction will stop my own self-destruction
  2. It will give me something useful and beautiful to replace the void that is created by the absence of porn.

Unselfish service to other is simply better than porn...

Mercy Offices 267

HP,

After I take care of myself in an “enlightened self interest” sort of way, help me to use my power to share with others.

Mercy Offices 268

HP,

Once I surrender masturbation, affairs, objectification, fantasy and intrigue

Once I codify daily inventory, prayer and unselfish service to other sex addicts

Help me to simply enjoy the life you have given me.

Mercy Offices 269

HP,

Why do I feel anxious round money?

Because I fear there will not be enough.

And what would happen if there were not enough?

I would feel needy.

And that...is what I am trying to avoid.

Mercy Offices 270

HP,

The only revolution I can start…is in me.

Revolution in a 64 year old man?

Revolution in cardio-vascular exercise...will do very nicely.

Mercy Offices 271

"Now comes the biggest question yet. Can we love the whole pattern of living as eagerly as we do the small segment of it we discover when we try to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety?
AA 12x12  p.112

I love:

Praying in a group six times per day

Running, biking, yoga, core and free weight work

Doing private breath prayer many times each day

Reading, walking and cuddling with my wife

Watching opera on HD Simulcast

Teaching music

Daily watching our money

Weighing and measuring my food

Being thin

Wearing well-fitted clothes

Fasting 18 hours a day

Taking my wife to dinner

Changing my attitude to being positive

Writing prayers

Being fully recovered and exploring that new life

Being an expectant Dad

Connecting with my soul

Mercy Offices 272

The acoustic guitar is the perfect instrument for a poor man...

I mean what are you going to do with an oboe?

Mercy Offices 273

Would I rather have a home on Pacific and Broadway…or be thin?

Would I rather have 200 million dollars…or have a healthy athletic heart?

Would I rather have a law degree…or have the capacity for emotional honesty?

Would I rather perform for 85,000 people at a time…or have a wife that trusts me?

Would I rather have many properties…or to not smoke?

Would I rather be on television, radio and in newspapers…or not use caffeine?

Mercy Offices 274

Healing Pain…
“It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain”

Page 75 AA 12 x12 , Step Seven

This line has baffled, but intrigued me for 30 years.

How could humility heal pain?

It never healed lower back pain, a headache, a bruise, or a cut.

But…I finally got it.

There is pain in self-demandingness:

To be someone, going somewhere, doing something.

To have more, to do more, to be more.

To accomplish, to achieve, to compete, to be better than someone else, to be the best.

To be someone important (The “Instinct for Society” run riot).

To strive for excellence is excellent in itself…

but to shame, or abuse myself, for failure or imperfection…to not be able to accept myself, or love myself (defined as being “Gentle, positive and accepting”) towards myself when I fail, make a mistake, err or fall short…and here is the key 'To have an attitude of demandingness towards myself”…is pain. Abject pain.

“I am not only my worst enemy…I am the only real enemy that I’ve got”.
SA White Book
“The enemy was US”.
SLAA Big Book

When I am my own worst enemy, and shame myself, there is an internal hunter within me that follows me, wherever I go, as my own shadow.

But…if I have humility, if I accept who I am, and where I am at…then that self-demandingness, that “Lust for more”, which is just addiction turned inward…evaporates.

I am then free. The pain is healed…through my own self-appraisal (moral inventory) of who I honestly am.

Note: This does not mean that I accept acting out…it means that I have the opportunity, when I accept myself, to then say “I need help”.

Then the pain is gone…and I can begin to get the help I need from those who have it to offer.

Mercy Offices 275

If sex addiction is a mental illness then, once I have stopped I can fill my mind with good, healthy things like reading classic books by:

Dickens, Steinberg, Austen, Bronte, Cervantes, Fielding, Faulkner, Mark Twain, Dostoevsky, Chekov, Tolstoy, Hermann Hesse, Tolkien, Shakespeare, Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Joyce, Gabriel García Márquez, Hemingway, C.S. Lewis, Euripides, Sophocles, Aeschylus, Vonnegut, F. Scott Fitzgerald, George Orwell, Flannery O'Conner, Oscar Wilde, Thoreau, Voltaire, Henry Miller, Tomas Paine, Garcia Lorca, Thackery, Somerset Maugham, William Blake, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Margaret Mitchell, Edgar Lee Masters, John Cage, Earnie Larsen, Gandhi, Patrick Carnes, Bill Wilson, Alice Miller, Moses, Martin Luther King,

Mercy Offices 276

(From the AA 12x12 p.120)

Where the possession of money and material things was concerned, our outlook underwent the same revolutionary change.

We forgot that most alcoholics in A.A. have an earning power considerably above average;

We forgot the immense goodwill of our brother A.A.’s who were only too eager to help us to better jobs when we deserved them;

We forgot the actual or potential financial insecurity of every human being in the world.

And, worst of all, we forgot God.

In money matters we had faith only in ourselves, and not too much of that.

This all meant, of course, that we were still far off balance.

When a job still looked like a mere means of getting money rather than an opportunity for service, when the acquisition of money for financial independence looked more important than a right dependence upon God, we were still the victims of unreasonable fears.

And these were fears which would make a serene and useful existence, at any financial level, quite impossible.

But, as time passed we found that with the help of A.A.’s Twelve Steps we could lose those fears, no matter what our material prospects were.

We could cheerfully perform humble labor without worrying about tomorrow.

It did not matter too much what our material condition was, but it did matter what our spiritual condition was.

Money gradually became our servant and not our master.

It became a means of exchanging love and service with those about us.

When, with God’s help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too.

We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.

Mercy Office 277

HP,

Help me maintain 20 addictions…just for today:

The four “Basic food” groups:

  1. Drinking
  2. Drugs
  3. Smoking
  4. Caffeine

The Six Types of SLRR

  1. Masturbation or Affairs
  2. Love
  3. Romance
  4. Relationship
  5. Al-anon
  6. Anon-anonism

Four types of Money Recoveries

  1. Debt
  2. Workaholism
  3. Underearning
  4. Gambling

Four Types of Self-Relationships

  1. ACA
  2. Codependency
  3. Victimhood
  4. Narcissism

The most abstruse recovery

  1. Artistic preoccupations

The most obvious, but yet denial ridden recovery

  1. Fat

Mercy Offices 278

HP,

If I hadn't given up masturbation, I wouldn't have been fully available to mate, marry and then father again.
Thanks for connecting the dots before I could see them.

Mercy Offices 279

Sex, Money and Genius
(Excerpts from Think And Grow Rich)

The men of greatest achievement are men with highly developed sex natures; men who have learned the art of sex transmutation.

The transformation of mediocrity into genius is through transmutation (of sex).

Sex energy is the creative energy of all genius.

There never has been, and never will be a great leader, builder, or artist lacking in this driving force of sex.

The road to genius consists of the development, control, and use of sex, love, and romance.

Far from becoming a genius, because of great sex desires, the majority of men lower themselves, through misunderstanding and misuse of this great force, to the status of the lower animals.

The public speaker, orator, preacher, lawyer, or salesman who is lacking in sex energy is a "flop," as far as being able to influence others is concerned.

The factor of personality known as "personal magnetism" is nothing more nor less than sex energy. Highly sexed people always have a plentiful supply of magnetism.

When (sex is) harnessed, and redirected along other lines, this motivating force maintains all of its attributes of keenness of imagination, courage, etc., which may be used as powerful creative forces in literature, art, or in any other profession or calling, including, of course, the accumulation of riches.

The mere possession of this energy is not sufficient to produce a genius. The energy must be transmuted from desire for physical contact, into some other form of desire and action, before it will lift one to the status of a genius.

Transmutation of sex energy calls for more will power than the average person cares to use for this purpose.

Highly sexed successful men:

GEORGE WASHINGTON

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

THOMAS JEFFERSON

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

Mercy Offices… 280

Gandhi says food affects sexuality.

Healthy Food Benefits:

Lust diminishes

Sexual shame from negative body image disappears

Clothes fit

Feel muscular curvature in abdomen

Mind is more relaxed, harmonious

Thoughts more integrated and quicker

Breath more deeply, easily and smoothly

Headaches, pinpointed, and full cranial, vanish

Skin clears up

Joints stop aching

Mercy Offices… 281

HP,

My mother and father both held artists to occupy the highest place in society.
My father failed at his attempt.
I failed, too.
My mother succeeded.
I am not an artist. I am a teacher.
I accept who I am.
Help me to have the serenity to accept, rather than the courage to try to change….who I am most fundamentally.

Mercy Offices… 282

One of the things that really helps me to get along with people is recovery from Anon-Anon-ism..

That means recognizing my powerlessness over other people who do not recognize their own powerlessness over their own craziness...

Mercy Office 283

HP,
I know you are not talking right now, but I know that you hear me.

I sense I need to prioritize my abstinence now, so that during this rocky, silent time I have something spiritually substantial to hold onto.

As Gandhi said, “Religion without sacrifice means nothing”...

Mercy Office 284

HP,
Believing that my thoughts are the true me, I move from one obsession to another, in an endless sequence, like standing by a highway listening interminably to the cars going by, unless I can reach my soul somehow…and thereby know peace of mind.

Mercy Offices 285

HP,
I am grateful that I have surrendered every addiction that I am aware of.

I have sought the “Kingdom of God and his righteousness” in every area of my life.

Maintenance is the only thing that counts…just for today.

Mercy Office 286

Mental hygiene-Be positive

Mercy Office 287

HP,
When I die nothing…

Not my money, home, car, stocks, career, degrees, titles, nothing will continue.

The only thing that will last after I am gone is the love I have left other people.

Knowing that truth, help me devote myself to service.

Mercy Office 288

With resounding defeats from the San Francisco Chronicle and Kevin S.,

I have been angry at myself for failing to make PrayerCall a non-profit.

I am going to have to rethink how to finance PrayerCall.

I will find a way to continue this work because...without it, I perish.

I will have mercy on me.

This work keeps me more sober than any other recovery action I take...and I am truly grateful for it.

Mercy Office 289

HP,
I only want to maintain my food abstinence, just for today, one day at a time...for the rest of my life.

I love the freedom of being reliably, consistently thin.

Mercy Office 290

HP,
I turn my life and my will over to you today.

I still have to do my part and take care of myself, but I will do what you direct, and I will find those directions through meditation.

Mercy Office 291

“ And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
Saint Francis

Only when my mind stops do I hear my soul.

Mercy Office 292

HP,
What if the cost of genuine, heartfelt, long-lasting  humility was utter and complete failure. Would that be acceptable to me?

Mercy Office 293

HP,
I know you are there, but I also know you are being still and silent.

I am feeling stress, and while I would really like your imprimatur,

...I can trust myself.

Mercy Office 294

All my challenges around relationships, money, food, family of origin I get to experience only because I am sexually sober.

In AA we call that ..."High class problems".

Mercy Office 295

HP,
I am so grateful to have my work successfully restarted, so that I can refocus on developing my relationship with my soul.

Mercy Office 296

HP,
I just made up my mind to stop worrying about money…

No more worried thoughts.

Just funny thoughts.

Mercy Office 297

HP,
Okay, while I know there is a God, it certainly feels like God has abandoned us.

So, we are going to act on principles, since there is no personality of God present at the moment that is perceptible to us.

Mercy Offices 298

HP,

New outlook.

I am as healed as I am going to get.

The struggle with food is finally gone and all the losses associated with that struggle were worth it.

I will do and live as directed.

Consolidate wins and be kinda normal…

Mercy Office 299

HP, Yoga means, literally, connecting the God within with the God without.

There has been desuetude of my human life in the intense pursuit of my soul.
I need to remember that I am a survivor of childhood abuse and have compassion on myself to balance my life and my soul.

Mercy Office 300

HP, Around the topic of working hard for profit:
“Act as if” there is no God, and yet...be grateful for the strength to produce income.

Mercy Office 301

HP,  I am grateful I can join the rest of humanity in the common cause of meeting our own needs through “The exchange of love and service” (ie. making money).

…I believe in the purity I strive for and the economy that it provides.

Help me to leave the rest up to You.

Mercy Office 302

HP, I cling to my soul when I feel hurt, needy, sad, lonely.

When I need comfort, when I feel unsafe...I cling to my soul.

Mercy Office 303

HP, trying to locate my soul while being actively sexual is like a fish trying to swim through motor oil.

Mercy Office 304

HP, Even if I was wrong, or even if Jesus was wrong about this, I tricked my mind into putting abstinence first because of it:

Matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’

32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own

Mercy Office 305

Pregnancy is the joy of life, literally, but it brings on physical challenges.

As previously, one of the ways to get energy to meet those challenges is through chastity.

My wife and I are on day 16, by agreement.

Mercy Office 306

“In brahmacharya lies the protection of the body the mind and the soul”
Gandhi

It is true. I feel: More resilient socially

More energetic

More athletic

Have a purer, more serene mind

Am more attentive to business

More intuitively in touch with my Higher Power

Stronger

More artistic

More fun loving

Mercy Office 307

What makes me feel and look old?

Being fat

Caffeine

Tobacco

Meat and Dairy

Orgasmic sexuality

Under exercising

I will have mercy on myself...

Mercy Office 307

The things I need cannot be bought with money but only meditation on my soul, chastity and exercise.

Mercy Office 308

HP, help me to stay abstinent on my food and perfectly chaste during this new celibacy period and to gently revel in my normal day in-and-out life

Mercy Office 309

HP, help me, like the prophet Hosea, to prioritize mercy in my relationship to myself and my relationships with others.

Mercy Office 310

During pregnancy my sexual desire diminishes. It is winter. That is appropriate.

Mercy Office 311

Having failed all my life on the outside, at my unrealistic overweening goals, I am grateful I have succeeded on the inside...hell, that’s better than nothing.

Mercy Office 312

Recovery Reformation:

Coffee...June 6, 2018

Tea...July 25, 2018

Gracias Madre...December 22, 2018

Cigars...December 25, 2018

Aspirin, Ibuprofen, Antacids...February 10, 2019

Cacao...June 1, 2019

Mercy Office 313

HP, I give myself attitudinal peace...by not taking myself too seriously

Mercy Office 314

Chastity period

Start June 2...Day 16
82 days till birth
42 days more till active
= 140 days

I have gotten my business going.

Take your time, build it slowly

Mercy Office 315

Total, perfect chastity in mind and body to garner strength, courage, endurance and humor to vitalize my start up.

Mercy Office 316

AIANSTI = And I’m not saying there is

What if there were a cure for addiction?

I would:

Inventory daily

Meditate

Serve others who asked for help

Workout

Read

Sing with my wife

Make some money

Mercy Office 317

“How would you know if there was a cure?”

A better question is, “How you would know if there was not a cure?”

If any of these addictions are present…a cure is not present:

  1. Alcohol
  2. Drugs
  3. Cigarettes
  4. Coffee
  5. Masturbation/Affairs
  6. Fat
  7. ACA
  8. Coda
  9. Narcissism
  10. Alanon
  11. Anon-anonism
  12. Victimhood
  13. Workaholism
  14. Debting
  15. Underearning
  16. Gambling
  17. Love Addiction
  18. Romance Addiction
  19. Relationship Addiction
  20. Sexaholism
  21. Artistic and Mystical Preoccupations

Mercy Office 318

What if there were a cure for addiction?…AIANSTI

I would laugh. “And why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered”
Big Book

No more face to face meetings…only PrayerCall

No more confronting people, only acceptance of others

I would not try to change myself anymore. I would accept myself.

I would “Easy does it”

Mercy Office 319

Not directing children what to do, until the age of majority, can be construed as “Reckless abandonment” and even “Criminal neglect”. However, upon the age of majority, tellin’ kids what to do…is just “Controlling”.

Similarly, while getting sober, the very best means to achieve that goal, is unselfish service to others, but if there really were a cure, would that render service “controlling” thereby placing Step Eleven , prayer and meditation, as the highest prioritized spiritual action?

Mercy Office  320

What if there were a cure for addiction?…AIANSTI

For me, perfect food abstinence would define it for me.

How would that look, for me?

Weighed and measured food only

No flour, no sugar

No individual binge foods

Typically, three meals per day, 8 ounces per meal

Nothing in between meals

Fasting 18 hours per day between 6:00pm and noon

Fruits and nuts

Wheatgrass daily

Living Foods

Meat when there is iron or B12 shortfall

No restaurants

Whew!…That’s a lot!

Mercy Office 321

Fully, unlimited self-satiation is the opposite of spirituality, for me.

Sometimes, I am, in many and varied areas, powerless, and am thereby, unspiritual.

Therefore, for me, to be spiritual, I need a power greater than myself to help me stop.

The relationship with a HP is not what defines what makes a spiritual life, but rather it’s power is what helps facilitate a life of self-restraint, which is, for me, the defining experience of spirituality.

Therefore, God gives me the power to be spiritual, when I don’t have the power inherently in me, to live a spiritual life.

Mercy Office 322

As Gandhi said “I greatly value those who abuse me….For they are candid”

If I have an ongoing addiction, in anyone of the 21 areas that we deal with at ActWithCourage.com, then my boundaries are permeable, thereby leaving me more vulnerable to hurtful words or actions.

If I am feeling hurt by someone else’s words or actions, I can ask myself:

“What am I doing that is destroying my own personal internal boundaries, so that when someone harms me, intentionally or unintentionally, I am more likely to feel hurt, because I am less resilient?

So called “Enemies”, people who wish me harm, can actually be quite helpful to my recovery.

Mercy Office 323

When I am failing, when I am in the throes of powerlessness and the depths of the disease and cannot stop, there is still something I can do...when I am ready.

Spiritual does not mean having a relationship with God, it comes from the Latin word “Spiritus” which means “Breath”.

When the disease is on me fully and I want to stop, but can’t stop...I can begin to count my breaths.

This is an old Buddhist means of prayer, and this very small effort on my part can begin to turn the tide towards recovery during a relapse...

Mercy Office 324

Newton’s first law of motion: “Every object in a state of uniform motion will remain in that state of motion unless an external force acts on it.”

That is just as true spiritually as it is physically.

If I am in relapse and do nothing, I will stay in relapse. But if another force, say the mental force of prayer, is applied.

I can start to move out.

It’s just physics, nothing more...

Mercy Office 325

Hell is not acting out when you first relapse...the first relapse is often actually fun.

Hell is trying to control the uncontrollable.

Hell is the time, after you relapse, when you think you can manage the addiction.

Hell is: Slip, control, slip, control, slip-slip, control-control, etc.

Surrender, when you know you are beat... then becomes paradisiacal.

Mercy Office 326

Relapse always leads to the same place...always: Same old hangover, same pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, same despair, negativity and fear.

It feels familiar and doable...it feels manageable.

Recovery leads to some new place, doing something new, with new somebodies, somewhere new.

It feels hopeful and out of control...

Mercy Office 327

Recovery can be experienced three hours at a time:

1/2 day’s work

A meal

Working out

Reading a book

A social event

Mercy Office 328

HP, I want to do your will.

I know that it is not your will to live a life that is powerlessly driven by addiction and to have to feel the subsequent pain after each relapse.

Help me to do your will, just for today, three hours at a time.

Amen

Mercy Offices 329

Prayer for humility:

I am grateful for the last three days.

I have worked as hard as I can…5 hours per day.

That is as hard as I can work at the moment. But I have remained completely recovered…and that is a miracle.

Mercy Office 330

Prayer for peace of mind:

I am grateful I am free from disease today.

Everything is in me now.

I have only to reach inside me for peace.

Mercy Office 331

HP, people may not believe in you.

Some people can live their lives without you.

I want no part of that.

I want to know as much of you as I can humbly know of you in this life.

You have privileged me to be your servant for over 30 years, and that is how I have known you.

That appears to be changing.

You seem to want less service and more meditation at this time.

Mercy Office 332

HP, Why is the instinct for society so dominate in my personality?

Is it because I am not satisfied being with myself?

What can I do about that?

I can ask God, humbly, to remove my defect of character of self-demandingness.

Mercy Office 333

HP,

If I were to create a personality “randomly” I would:

Laugh at everything

Be ever prayerful with myself

Be of service

Exercise

Be lean

Love my wife

Live well and simply

Teach

Read

Be frugal

Be well dressed

Sing with my wife

Be content

Mercy Office 334

Peace of mind, satisfaction, contentment and serenity are not possible with caffeine.

Joyousness and happiness, maybe...but how can you be peaceful with a double Latte coursing through your brain?

Mercy Office 335

I feel complete in my journey of recovery today. I feel satisfied with my life and it’s work. I feel content with myself and my accomplishments.

Mercy Office 336

Yes...if I were to stay abstinent I would exercise, pray and read...

Read to have great minds as friends.

Mercy Offices 337

What attitude accompanies hitting bottom?

Self-pity and rage (or if unexpressed…depression)

What belief accompanies hitting bottom?

This silly thought...”I will never have fun again!”

Mercy Offices 338

Addiction is only 2% compulsion, but that compulsion must be dealt with first...before the 98% mental illness addiction is addressed.

The very best solution to stop compulsions...is Meetings.

Mercy Offices 339

All the money in the world won’t bring me peace of mind.

Actually, peace of mind can’t be found through the mind. It has to be found through the soul.

Unfortunately...addiction blocks access to the soul.

To get to peace of mind, I first have to stop addiction.

Mercy Offices 340

I know where the mental illness of addiction leads.

I don’t know where complete recovery from mental illness leads.

I suspect to something simple...like peace of mind and family.

Mercy Offices 341

What heals the mental illness of addiction?

Abstinence

Meetings

Prayer

Meditation

Reading spiritual literature

Exercise

Fasting

Having fun

Laughing

Mercy Offices 342

Peace of mind is almost always alloyed with some measure of grief.

Mercy Offices 343

If I can stay abstinent, I can be:

Satisfied

Content

Peaceful

Happy

Serene

Even if I felt doubtful, unsure, grief, frustrated or angry.

All I have to do is stay abstinent, exercise…and pray with my friends.

Mercy Offices 344

Peace of mind is my highest need.

This is my way out of suffering, remembering this need.

Mercy Offices 345

Even in terrible personal conflict...I feel peaceful and serene.

I accept “hardship as a pathway to peace”

Mercy Office 346

In AA I learned that every moment of my life I have an attitude that filters my perception of my life.

Didn’t know that when I came in.

When I examined that I found that my default attitude was self-pity.

I learned to change that to an “Attitude of gratitude”.

Through the years I have found that I have an attitude much more pervasive and more deeply rooted than that..the attitude of self-demandingness.

The antidote for that fierce attitude is mercy, and I hope to cultivate that, one day at a time, first with myself and then with others.

HP, help me to cultivate that attitude.

Amen

Mercy Office 347

When I get “sick and tired of being sick and tired” I have the tools to stop anything.

Mercy Office 348

HP,
I am so grateful for the tools you have given us, so that, when we are ready, we can have “permanent sobriety” as the Doctor’s Opinion states...one day at a time, just for today, three hours at a time

Mercy Office 349

In 6 months it will be 40 years I have been in 12 step.

Today I was able to contact my soul three times.

It was worth 40 years of work to do that.

Mercy Office 350

I am grateful to PrayerCall for keeping me on the right track, especially mentally, throughout the day.

Mercy Office 351

If I have multiple recoveries, it might be wise, in a 12 step meeting, to utilize the First Tradition “Our common welfare comes first”...so I don’t get my ass kicked over the moon, again and again.

Mercy Office 352

“We absolutely insist upon enjoying life”
Big Book p.132

I enjoy reading a lot, watching movies with my wife, singing with my wife, looking at my newborn son.

Mercy Office 353

A constant prayer of mine is “God, what should I do?”.

Sometimes…It is absolutely nothing.

Mercy Office 354

Postpartum is an excellent time for chastity.

Glad I have those chops...

Mercy Office 355

HP, I want to thank you for guiding me, so compassionately and patiently, all through the recovery process...so that I could eventually reach my soul.

Really, thanks

Mercy Office 356

The practical goal of 12 step is to become healthy, normal, balanced and moderate.

Three out of four of those I had absolutely no interest in, in my youth.

Mercy Office 357

HP, Help me to not be lost in my “Little plans and designs” (Big Book) today and to seek your will in every area of my life.

Things seem to go better that way.

The fact is I’m not “management material”.

I’m better off as a servant.

Mercy Office 358

I trust myself that I will completely recover and discover what is beyond that.

It is probably something insanely simple and blindingly obvious.

Mercy Offices 359

HP, Help me to stay as recovered as I can be today. I am aiming for peace of mind, just for today.

Mercy Offices 360

Abstinence and peace of mind, while becoming sober/abstinence...requires mercy.

Mercy Office 361

Today I will strive for peace of mind.

Mercy Office 362

Marriage is good...very, very good.

But chastity is still King.

“Finite chosen chastity” is always available to me.

Mercy Office 363

HP, I felt you tonight, within me.

Just like Saint Augustine said...

Mercy Office 364

Courage

Strength

Faith

Humor

Hope

Honesty

“My life is my message”
Gandhi

Mercy Office 365

The Plague (the pandemic of overeating) has throttled me.

The Plague has beaten me absolutely senseless.

If I beat the Plague, I will never “preach, teach and sell” anymore.

I will practice anonymity.

Mercy Office 366

HP,
Help me as I deal with the mentally ill. I need mercy.

I need compassion, but also help me express my anger in a healthy way, to another healthy person, when the mentally ill hurt me, so that I do not obsess, because, then I become ill…and I will not do that to myself today.

Mercy Office 367

Sitting to this generation is what smoking was to my generation.

“Digital Death” is forever sitting down.

Keep moving...

Mercy Office 368

In food abstinence:

Reading soars

Exercise soars

Business soars

Sex life soars

Mercy Office 369

What if there were a cure for addiction?

I would eat sunflower sprouts, drink wheatgrass, swim, take B12 and iron supplements (or eat meat).

I would read and work “in moderate demand”.

I would forget about my past (now that I have done my inner work) and I would laugh my ass off.

I would eat three meals a day to insure a cure…and lock it up.

I would re-order life…to friends in books.

I would accept.

Mercy Office 370

Seven weeks after delivering a baby my wife and I are beginning to approach physical intimacy again.

Gently, tenderly, compassionately and patiently.

I am so grateful for the tool of abstinence and not being driven by neediness.

...think my wife is grateful, too.

Mercy Office 371

Downsides of Caffeinated Foods:

Acid reflux

My body starts to stink

Gain weight

Heart hurts

Congestion

Headaches

Burping

Gas

Itching

Red blotches on my legs

Feel heavy, torpid

That doesn’t sound to sexy to me...

Mercy Office 372

I don’t want to be:

Mentally ill

A “mental defective”

A fuck up

“Of the inferior type”

Flawed

Corrupt

A loser

A failure

Now that there is a cure, I have no choice but to surrender...or fall into depression.

Prayer, exercise and reading will be my life.

Mercy Office 373

For me:

not drinking is first

not masturbating is second

and not overeating is third

After doing those three things, I like to read.

As Saint Augustine said “Love the Lord and do as you please”

Mercy Office 374

On his deathbed, the wisest man who ever lived, Socrates, uttered his last words, “Cultivate music”.

Imagine that...

Mercy Office 375

HP,
Thank you.

Steve D.

Mercy Office 376

There is an old joke, “If you can keep your head while others around you are losing theirs...you are probably not aware of the situation”.

If I am not feeling the feelings of frustration and disappointment...I am probably not sober.

Mercy Office 377

All my life I have tried to have peace of mind through solving problems.

But that is using my mind to calm my mind.

That is simply the wrong organ.

I need my soul to calm my mind.

Otherwise, it’s kinda like trying to hear a painting...or trying see a symphony.

Mercy Office 378

Yoga is from the Sanskrit word meaning “To yoke”.

Yoga was not originally designed to make my body sexy while I sipped Lattes and listened to iTunes blaring over a PA with my friends.

It was created to keep my body still long enough to connect to my soul and, having done that, to connect my soul to the God  outside my skin line.

Mercy Office 379

Humans have on average 42 thoughts per minute. 33 of those thoughts are negative. 98% of them are the very same ones as we had the day before.

Every single thought has an associated feeling.

Statistically, unmonitored, we feel negative 80% of the time.

Prayer, seen in a new light as “positive, gentle, accepting mental statements”, changes that.

I am NOT powerless over that...

Mercy Office 380

At 33, I was living rent-free in my mother’s basement apartment, sharing a twin bed with my first wife.

I had a glass of stolen red wine in my left hand, balanced a massive sandwich in my right, while smoking a cigarette...and was wondering how I could masturbate into the trash can…

And it occurred to me, at that moment...that my life might be unmanageable.

Sex addiction is NOT pretty...

Mercy Offices 381

Step 3 in Artistic Preoccupations:

Slightly suspicious motives for playing music:

To: “Make it”

Get girls

Get famous

Get rich

Be the best

Get the love from the masses that I did not get from my father

To assuage heartbreak over a woman

To break up the loneliness of dysfunctional family

All of these motives have to do with someone else and they all lead to frustration and failure.

Saner motives are to:Discover myself

Join in a group activity

Cause it’s damned fun

I prefer to look at playing music the way I look at working out:

Something I do every day, as much as I can, as well as I can...because it is healthful.

It is self-care...

Mercy Office 382

I will have mercy on others as a way to love them. Perhaps one day I may need mercy...

Mercy Offices 383

Step 4 in Artistic Preoccupation: Part One

What did I do that was immoral around music ?

I was selfish, in that, I thought only of what I wanted when it came to music.

I was extreme. What I presented, for three years, was: noisy, random, silent and chaotic.

I was dishonest with myself by often insisting on original songs that were not as strong as the songs people wanted to hear and, in my arrogance, I believed that they were.

I wanted to do instrumental music, instead of having predominantly vocals, which people simply don’t like as much.

I smoked a lot of pot, and drank even more beer, so that I wasn’t emotionally present at my work, often.

My sexual/love behavior drove off at least two very important musical clients.

I was obsessed with my pursuit of success and was not sensitive to other people’s feelings.

I was controlling: always wanting to do the material that I wanted to do, or the way I wanted to do it.

I was envious of other people’s success.

I “played the big shot” like I was “Somebody going somewhere”.

I was self-pitying, believing that I deserved more success than I had achieved.

I had no limits and I asked other people to do the same...playing for nothing, or close to nothing, thereby harming others financially with my obsession.

I neglected my needs for safety, both financial and emotional, saying that those needs would be met when I became successful.

I forestalled my need for love and belonging, saying that those needs would be met when I became successful

I denied my need for esteem of others, saying that those needs would be met when I became successful.

Mercy Office 384

HP, Thank you for teaching me to transmute my sexual energy into fraternal love, so that I could buy a card, a cake, a gift and host a party for my wife on our first wedding anniversary.

Mercy Office 385

I will have mercy on myself and choose to believe that there is a cure for addiction.

When I act like there isn’t, I harm myself and I begin to feel the slightest depression.

That has happened three times since I first publicly talked about the possibility  of a cure at SAA in San Francisco on May 4, 2019

Mercy Office 386

Just for this moment, I surrender my appetite. I am grateful and I count my breaths as a meditation.

Mercy Office 387

Not the obsessed problem solving Al-anonism of my mother.

Not the desperately mad workaholism of my father.

In the moment...cured and singing with my wife.

Mercy Office 388

HP, I have been angry at myself for failing to make PrayerCall a legitimate non-profit.

I will have mercy on me.

I will find a way to continue this work...

Without it, I perish.

Mercy Office 389

I am grateful for today that I am free from all disease, am galvanized by chastity, breathing deeply, am very worked out and reading. I am humbly grateful to be at rest from my work.

Mercy Office 390

What did I do, or what did others do to me, that caused me from being cut off from my soul, the genesis of all addiction?

I experienced childhood sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse and emotional neglect.

Then, at my own hands, I reacted with:

Alcoholism
Prescription drug addiction
Smoking
Caffeine
Overweight
Masturbation and affairs
Overwork
Codependency
ACA
Victimhood
Gambling
Debting
Under earning
Love Addiction
Romance Addiction
Relationship Addiction
Artistic and Mystical Preoccupations
Narcissism

Mercy Office 391

I am right on the verge of a cure and the disease is fighting for it’s life.

I will not stop…

Mercy Office 392

What if there were a cure for addiction?…AIANSTI

I would spend time with my soul.

Mercy Offices 393

On a healthy use of music:

Hendrix changed guitar playing.

The guitar became as important as the vocals for the first time in American popular music.

Unless you’re Jimi…that is a musical mistake.

Help me keep my mind on financially productive musical ideas as an act of mental health…

Mercy Office 394

I will have mercy on myself today, even if I don’t need it, just to stay in practice.

...I just may need it in the future

Mercy Office  395

HP,
If I don’t maintain my abstinence, I might have to go back to FA.

It is funny. Not wanting to go to FA might drive me to do your will.

Mercy Office 396

“When this strain of music sounded, he softened more and thought that if he could have listened to it years ago he might have cultivated happiness with his own hands”.
Charles Dickens.

Mercy Office 397

HP, Help me to balance, my instinct for security and my instinct for society (p.50 AA 12x12).

Help me avoid the extremities of Under-earning or Workaholism
and at all costs…the mental illness of Artist Preoccupation

Mercy Office 398

HP, What are you doing?

I am so grateful for you getting me sober...so, so grateful.

I am grateful that I am abstinent...thank you, thank you, thank you

Mercy Office 399

I am so grateful to have learned that if I work on “S” recovery, AA takes care of itself.

I believe that to be true of food/exercise recovery in relation to sex addiction.

Mercy Office 400

There is nothing I can do about anyone but me.

That makes me feel healthy, free safe and it feels fun.

Mercy Office 401

Would you do it, Steve?

Would you give up every last trace of addictive pleasure if you could really the solve addiction problem…for yourself? For others?

Mercy Office 402

I was given a box of cigars for my son’s birth (by an Ear, Nose and Throat surgeon of all things!)

I really enjoyed them, but I noticed I felt:

weak and my body feels heavy

my chest feels tarred in

I have smokers’ cough

Have a sore throat like little knives sticking in the back of my throat

Have to have an extra shower after a cigar to get rid of the stench

I don’t sing, play guitar, pray, or work out as much.

Mercy Office 403

HP,
I do not wish to be a financial burden to anyone or, as Dickens would say, the “Father of the Marshalsea”.

Mercy Office 404

What if I did attain full freedom from all addiction?

In relation to other people? Meekness

In relationship to myself? Joy

Mercy Office 405

I am completely free.

I miss my recovery friends, but I have to keep moving.

God bless ‘em...

Mercy Office 406

Total freedom from addiction has been good: work, read, travel, physical intimacy with my wife, singing, listening to music, breath prayer, mat work, being in touch with my soul.

Mercy Office 407

I am extremely tender right now and must protect myself.

Mercy Office 408

“Why shouldn’t we laugh...we have recovered”
Big Book p.132

What now?

Apparently...I will administrate

Mercy Office 409

I feel great peace this morning.

No addiction coursing through my brain.

I feel relaxed and appreciative: my mind quiet, body relaxed and soul at peace.

Freedom is so simple, so difficult, but so worth the effort.

Mercy Office 410

“Love always protects”

My brother is diagnosed as mentally ill.

He has savagely attacked all the members of our family.

Today, I defended myself, with measured force.

“Love always protects”

Mercy Office 411

“There is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing”
Ecclesiastes

After 9 months of pregnancy and two months of recovery, my wife and I are blessed with the opportunity again of physical intimacy...

Mercy Office 412

It is shocking how people’s mental illness becomes so starkly, unrestrainedly observable...once I have dealt with my own.

Mercy Office 413

I am grateful for learning how to be self-restrained, so that, now that my partner and I are active again, I can be non-orgasmic and thereby be more repeatedly available to her to her delight.

Mercy Office 414

HP,
I have, since I was 13, given you all the credit for my gifts, especially for the gift of my recoveries.

For just a moment, I want to say something to myself, “Nice job”...

Mercy Office 415

HP, I have done it...I have cured addiction.

I want to keep quiet about it.

Practice anonymity and humility

Mercy Office 416

HP, Having stopped all physical compulsion, the mental health needs to change.

Prayer and reading will work very nicely here.

Mercy Office 417

“And each wished he could pick a guitar, because it is a gracious thing.”
John Steinbeck. “The Grapes of Wrath.”

There are 30 million guitar players in America.

There can only be one best.

It ain’t you...

The national mental illness of it all is the belief that if you don’t have giant talent that there’s no reason to pursue music.

I believe what Gandhi says:

“Religion and art serve the same purpose…moral elevation”

So can we use music for moral elevation instead of narcissistic comparison with others ?

Yes…we can. And why would we?

Because it brings joy…

And that makes us feel good, content, satisfied, happy and playful...sometimes even holy.

And that...is a very sane goal

HP, please keep me restored to this level of sanity every moment of everyday.
Amen

Mercy Offices 418

One of the great advantages of being sober is the capacity to feel more clearly.

There is a responsibility, though.

People that are hurtful, through their own untreated addictions, will become clearer, too, and I will need to set boundaries with them to protect myself.

Mercy Office 419

If there were a cure for addiction...And I’m not saying there is:

I somehow deludedly imagined I would never feel tired or frustrated or disappointed again.

Isn’t that just like an addict?...Imagining someway to feel good all the time.

Mercy Office 420

If there were a cure for addiction (and I’m not saying there is) I have not been able to imagine what it would be like.

I thought it would be like something big, something grand, something magnificent...like having “superpowers”.

Today, it was simply praying four times, reading books in bed and spending time with my family.

It was nice. It was simple...

Mercy Office 421

Note for leaders:

“If there were a cure for addiction...and I’m not saying there is” = ITWACFA...AINSTI

That acronym is pretty arcane...so how about “I...A” stands for:

“If there were a cure for addiction...and I’m not saying there is“

Why all this pendantry?

  1. Because there is absolutely no scientific evidence to back this up observation up.
  2. It may be appear, as Gandhi was sometimes accused of, as quackery.
  3. We might be taking ourselves “Too, damned seriously”

So...all future Mercy Offices that allude to a cure for addiction will start out with: “I...A”

Just like the book of Psalms has the word “Selah”  peppered throughout all 150 of them...And no one has any idea what that really means today.

Mercy Offices 422

“I...A”

I am completely free today.

I feel pleasant and light,

a thing I made fun of all my life as being mamby-pamby, lightweight and not serious enough.

I turn my life over to God today as it usually works out the best when I don’t have my hands on the steering wheel, driving life like Mr. Magoo.

Mercy Office 423

When I was 20 years old I used to have sex with ugly girls.

There were a couple of reasons:

  1. Mainly, I had such low self-esteem that I was too afraid to approach a pretty girl
  2. “Not-pretty” girls knew they were not pretty and were much more malleable in reaction to my dastardly selfishness
  3. They were plentiful

This sounds so evil when I read it, it’s hard to believe...But, it is the truth.

Once, the most spiritually gifted man I’ve ever met said to me:

“You could be the most evil man of the 20th century”.

In typical addict, needy-for-attention style, I replied, “Really! The most evil?”

Mercy Office 424

“I...A”

My first thought, being recovered this morning was, “I gotta”.

That is pure workaholism, unadulterated.

Workaholism was very big in my life because I had to scramble and hustle to meet my genuine needs to make up for all the lost time I incurred while acting out.

What a relief to do absolutely nothing...

Mercy Offices 425

In 1988 a woman introduced me to codependency recovery with this phrase: “You can be codependent on God”.,

I had never wanted to hit a woman, until that moment, in my life.

When I was in seventh grade I met a “Jesus freak” who invited me to his house for a prayer meeting.

He was in ninth grade and therefore appeared much wiser and more mature than me.

He never took one bit of credit for anything good in his life. He gave all the glory to God.

That looked pretty good to me compared to the way I was living, which was with two practicing alcoholics.

So I signed up to be co-dependent on God.

“ I...A”

This morning, as I started shaving, I started giving all the glory to God.

That, like workaholism, it’s just another reaction to active addiction.

So, I shut up and just went on shaving.

Mercy Office 426

“I...A”

If I were to slip, my friends would say “Steve is ill, what can I do to help him get well?”.

My enemies would say, “That arrogant so-and-so...he had it coming.”

One of the multifarious complaints raised against me over the years has been:

“He is obsessed with recovery.”

“He is addicted to the steps.”

Not true.

People only get as much recovery as they want.

I wanted complete freedom not only from all addictions, but from the mental illness that is the gestalt of all addiction...

Feeling like I am moseying in on it...and normality is lookin’ kind of attractive.

Mercy Office 427

According to the WHO (World Health Organization), mental health is:

"... a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community."

So, to be mentally healthy I need to:

  1. Realize my potential
  2. Cope with stress
  3. Be Productive
  4. Contribute to community

Yeah, I can do that, three hours at a time

Mercy Office 428

“Normality is a behavior that is consistent with the most common behavior for that person.”

Really?

My interpersonal normality used to be getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, chasing females and being fat.

I think I need a more objective definition, for my own good…and for everyone else around me.

Mercy Office 429

“There are four general criteria that psychologists use to identify abnormal behavior:

  1. violation of social norms
  2. statistical rarity
  3. personal distress
  4. and maladaptive behavior

That’s what I used to claim when I was doing something weird….I’m a “statistical rarity”!

Mercy Office 430

I believed, as a child, that normal meant dressing up and commuting a long way to a job you hate to make money for a family that you hate.

To hate your family is abnormal.

To hate your job, is at least attitudinally unhealthy, if not abnormal

Driving a long way to work just isn’t smart.

But I do like dressing up…

I guess I was 25% normal

Mercy Office 431

“Normal is also used to describe individual behavior that conforms to the most common behavior in society…known as conformity

I never wanted to conform as a teenager:

It was morally outrageous.

It was indecent use of power.

It was cowardly and horrifying to me morally.

It was doing what my Daddy said…and that would never do.

Mercy Office 432

HP, I humbly ask you to remove my defects of character of being:

narcissistic

controlling

grandiose

and workaholic.

Mercy Office 433

“When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child”.

When I was 20 years old I believed that success, for me, was simply making a humane living performing and/or writing music.

With the exception of some very bleak, spotty, dramatic and extremely fun musical-economic pastiches...I could not sustain this.

I therefore believed, patient with myself as I was (to the point of complete obsession)...that I was a failure.

Success, for me, changed dramatically at 33 years old.

My new idea of success was to recover.

Not surprisingly, with my character defect of extremity, I found I really really really wanted to recover from all my addictions.

That took another 32 years...

Now, within me, I feel, and believe, I am successful.

It’s a low bar...but, I am happy with it.

Mercy Office 434

When I was just turned 21 years old I wrote: “Living is hard and I need some release, so I drink. The thing that makes living harder on me than all other things combined…is people”.

If you let go of the stench of reeking self-pity and the ridiculous blaming of others, there is a discovering kernel of truth here; “It is our twisted relationships with others that cause us to drink."

Yeah…codependency was at nearer the root of the problem, for me.

Mercy Office 434

I am grateful for my courage in my youth.

I feel sad that I had this illness and did not know it.

I feel good that I am past that.

Mercy Office 435

HP, help me not be a temporal idiot.

I have a tendency to think of media addiction as: Young males, in a terrible leaning posture furtively huddled and scrunched over their IPhones, glancing transfixedly down at a 70 degree angle, oblivious to traffic at crosswalks, oncoming baby carriages and inexperienced Uber drivers, engaged in what would have been considered totally psychotic behavior 10 years ago (that of talking into outer space to no perceivable person).

How can you tell what is addictive or not?

Try letting someone interrupt you when you are engaged with media.

Do you feel rage or self pity when they do that to you?

I remember how I felt with when people interrupted me as I was watching “Mash” and ‘Kung Fu” in the 70”s…

We had media addiction back then but it was a rectangular box with rabbit ears on it, pouring out detergent commercials in between content that was focused in on a 12 years old’s psychological development.

Mercy Office 436

Nothing, nothing but simply staying with my soul.

Not:

Doing step work

Exercising

Reading books

Posting

Praying

Being with my three month old child

Singing

Playing the guitar

Writing music

Cleaning the house

Studying

Booking the students

Going to the gym

Making 12 step calls

Inventorying

Watching movies

Shopping

Cooking food

Nothing, nothing but simply staying with my so-so-so soul (cue Phil Collins).

Mercy Office 437

Step Six

Assets:
Courageous

Honest

Militantly willing

Funny

Strong

Defects:
Self-demanding

Narcissistic

Controlling

Workaholic

Eat too fast

HP, help me not work so hard, while I am screaming at somebody, that I don’t choke to death, while I am telling someone else what to do, while being furious with myself for not being able to do more.

Amen

Mercy Office 438

I had a bass player who wouldn’t practice.

The drummer said to me “I can’t play with this guy”.

I asked him, “Can’t you be great with others around you aren’t?”

He looked at me, kinda funny, and said “No”.

HP, When those around me are hurting themselves with their food choices and not exercising, help me to mind my own business and tend to myself.

Amen

Mercy Office 439

HP,

I have worked furiously for 31 years serving others, button holing every addict I could find to help, so that I could get well.

It is not time to rest on my laurels, but it is time to smell the roses (God, I hate flora metaphors).

Mercy Office 440

HP,

I am grateful for my like minded friends who strive for freedom from this illness.

Their honesty, faith, willingness and courage are inspiring to me.

Mercy Office 441

The five weeks from Thanksgiving until New Years is when most people relapse. (The pressure of seeing your infinitely more successful brother-in-law is more than most addicts can endure).

HP, help me be diligent enough to stay sober this holiday season, yet loose enough to enjoy the days of celebration.

Mercy Office 442

Mental Illness:

I first became aware of the mental illness aspect of addiction 31 years ago from a line in the AA 12x12 Second Step, page 33: “Some will be willing to term themselves “problem drinkers” but cannot endure the suggestion that they are in fact mentally ill”.

I felt great fear and shame when I read this. Stopping drinking was one thing, but being mentally ill was too frightening to consider, for me, at the time.

Next, I became aware of the annual US Surgeon General’s Report which listed not only depression, but addiction as a form of mental illness. Once again, I denied this to myself.

As my sobrieties deepened and gained breadth over the years I began to notice something: While I had stopped the compulsion, I still sometimes had cravings, obsessions or just simple pre-occupations.

It occurred to me that if I were using my mental energy, in self-combat, to not think about women, or to try to not masturbate, that I was still engaged in the disease, mentally. I wasn’t free to live my life.

I want to distinguish something: At AWC we do not address forms of serious mental illness that require a professional therapist and or medication. That would be arrogant, ignorant, foolish and dangerous on our part.

The three types mental illness that we directly deal with:

1. “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” (AA canon).

2. “Lack of perspective” (Big Book’s definition of insanity) which causes anxiety, due to not having an appropriate, sane, dynamic, meaningful and accessible relationship with a Higher Power (like the group) that can directly help the addict stop his own specific form of addiction.

3. The mental obsession of addiction, caused by an undisciplined mind, which we address with prayer (Big Book p. 164).

Mercy Office 443

Healthy Limits:

There are two types of sex addiction which we used to address at AWC, but that we have stopped for political reasons: Child molestation and Beastiality.

It was decided, by the then Board of Directors, that the legal ramifications of these specific forms of sex addiction were beyond the scope of help that we could offer without putting ourselves in potential legal jeopardy.

Mercy Office 444

On Prayer:

When I noticed I had stopped all the addictive behaviors but still had no peace of mind prayer became more important to me.

Not necessarily Christian supplicatory prayer, which I then used often, but also other much more general forms of prayer: “Repeated positive mental statements”. I learned this from my Hindu friends.

“Words that I read to create health” (eg. The Readings in AWC).

This comes from the AA direction to simply “Read the literature” and the corresponding decline in anxiety that accompanies said spiritual reading.

Positive self-talk…This comes from ACA work, particularly “Inner Child” work that was so in style when 12 step was at her peak in the late 80’s.

One of my personal favorites, introduced to me by my third AA sponsor, is the Buddhist form of prayer of simply counting my breaths. I love this because of the physical aspect of the prayer engages my body. And as Gandhi says “As with the body…so with the Universe”.

Singing…As John Steinbeck would say, in the Grapes of Wrath “Singin’ and Prayin’…it’s the same thing”.

Listening. This I learned from John Cage, my teacher. Simply stop and listen to the environment, without judgement. This admonition would later successfully be promulgated by Allan Watts.

Also, Meditations where, as directed on page 69 of the Big Book, I sit and listen directly for God’s word, on a specific topic, something I had seen the Quakers do with great skill.

The frequency of prayer was suggested to me by my Muslim friends and by my two monk sponsors from a Catholic monastery in Atlanta Georgia for over 20 years…pray five times a day.

Mercy Office 445

Something in me has changed.

I have grown impatient with people who are dishonest.

Before, I needed the sick to serve, so that I could get well. That is the magical, mystical, spiritual dynamic of the 12 Step community, “Helping heal others heals you”.

But, I have gotten to a new place in my recovery where I don’t want additional recovery. I have all the recovery that I want.

Unselfish service to others is the most certain way to find God that I know of, but, I know there are other ways to God...

HP, help me to approach this with humility, gratitude, caution and humor.

Mercy Office 446

“Be Content”
(B Office in Act With Courage)

“…content is the wealth of nature”
Socrates (Light Hearted Offices in Act With Courage)

Being content has been a two stage process, for me.

What brings my initial contentment is obtaining and maintaining sobrieties?

I first got sober, clean, stopped smoking and lost 60 pounds 31 years ago.

I have relapsed with coffee/tea half dozen times in 30 years, but I am free both now for 18 months.

I stopped masturbating and having affairs in 29 years, 4 months and 5 days ago….That had been causing me great distress from the consequent “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization”.

Also, I firmly addressed the love, romance, relationship addiction and Sexaholism which are various painful offshoots of sex addiction.

I stopped debting over 30 years ago.

Not having enough money was extremely stressful, humiliating  and debilitating.

I have faced, dealt with, and put to rest, issues of codependency, Al-anonism, ACA issues arising from growing up with two alcoholics, and from the victimhood that arises from childhood abuse. These “software” issues were driving the ‘hardware’ issues of the above physical addictions.

I have faced workaholism, narcissism, under-earning, gambling (from day trading) and buried those suckers.

Even the self-hurt from the ridiculously obscure Artistic pre-occupations (the only addiction I intentionally tried to do as hard as I could) and the, as of yet undiscovered, Anon-anonism, having to do with relational pain from Anon’s who are in denial that they need to be in recovery.

These twenty one addictions blocked me from my soul.

The second step to be content was to take positive action after stopping all the self-destruction.

Accessing my soul, through meditation, specifically, leaves me feeling very content and satisfied.

The second part is kinda simple and has to be done repetitively to really become integrated in my life, where I can reach for it any time I feel anxious.

“…content is the wealth of nature”_Socrates
(Light Hearted Offices in Act With Courage)

Mercy Office 447

A Christmas Carol by Steve D.

Once upon a time, at the crossroads of Anglo and Saxon there was a Magical Spiritual Kingdom overseen by a loving, shapeshifting God that could appear anyway that the Subjects needed to feel safe and loved.

This God let them know, in ways that weren’t too scary, that they needed to surrender their self-destructive sexual habits to Him, because, honestly, they were not doing too good a job managing that part of their lives.

And so they did.

And they all got better.

They stopped using hookers, masturbating or even trying persuade their wives to be hotter than they really were...

They grew strong and there were 10,000 of them in the Kingdom.

The Subjects had 12 rules, made by their first King, which were inspired and gave life, love, strength and freedom to all who believed in the Kingdom.

As the King got older he made 12 more New rules, but by then their King was overworked, depressed, had gotten a hot girlfriend (that the Queen was not too happy with) and finally the King died from smoking cigarettes.

The Subjects tried to live by the New rules and bad things began to happen, especially the Third and Fifth Rule, which said they were not supposed to talk about other problems that they might be having in their lives.

Seven out of Ten of them got fat. That was alarming to them at first…but, they quickly denied it.

Many, like the Old King, got depressed and didn’t have much verve or vitality to dance and sing for joy as they used to do when the original 12 rules governed them.

Also, the Kingdom was filled with some of the richest men in the world and they each gave a big two dollars a week to maintain the Kingdom.

But the seventh New rule said you had to pay your own way, so the financially sick and the old could not get ready access to the Kingdom where they kept the Shapeshifting God who loved them...because they were poor.

Weekly the Subjects sat in their rooms, serene that they were free from their sexual compulsion, but staying very, very ill because they were obedient to the third and fifth New rule, and being silent, because they didn’t feel safe talking about their other problems.

Gradually the Subjects began to die off from strokes, heart attacks, diabetes and cancer, because they were fat.

And the poor? They stayed in darkness all their lives because they could not be “Self-supporting”.

And finally, the shapeshifting, loving God went somewhere else, where they would listen to Him…fully.

Mercy Office 448

Resentment come from the French verb “Sentir” which means to feel.

So ‘Re-sentir” means to “Re-feel”.

It doesn’t necessarily mean to feel anger, though it often does, but it could mean neediness or love or grief…

Anything that I re-feel.

But the anger caused by hurt are good places to start a spiritual inventory.

Who do I resent?

Mercy Office 449

With all compulsion and obsession completely gone, I am still responsible for my attitude.

I choose gratitude over self-pity and acceptance over self-demandingness.

Acceptance means being positive.

Example:

I have a beautiful young wife, a powerful recovery, a 15 week old son, a booming new business, vibrant health, peace of mind, contentment with what I have
and I get to exercise and read all I want.

I am grateful to God for leading me here.

Mercy Office 450

HP, I am very, very sensitive now that I am successful with this new stage of food recovery.

Help me to get along with others through the use of:

Feelings

Boundaries

Limits

And Needs

So, I don’t end up completely recovered…and completely alone!

Mercy Office 451

Sanity:

To succeed in sex addiction recovery we must replace our addiction with something positive, healthful and fun.

Do we accept that we cannot stop by ourselves, that willpower, guts and self-discipline will not suffice to be successful?

Are we willing to consider that that there may be something more powerful than ourselves in the Universe?

Are we willing to go one step farther and to consider that that Power may care about us?

If we keep looking at porn and thinking we can not masturbate, that is not sane.

If we keep looking at sexually titillating social media and thinking that that it will not lead us to porn, that is not sane.

If we believe that if we were just married, or just had the right partner, or could get our partners to behave in just the right way, that we would be okay, that is not sane.

If we feel afraid of the word Higher Power or God, we inventory, honestly, why we feel that way

We have the right to choose any conception that works for us to stop masturbating, but to use a form of God that does not, honestly, help us stop masturbating, specifically , is not sane.

Mercy Office 452

HP,

When I am feeling very tired and frustrated help me to:

Rise above the situation, so that I can act lovingly.

Be ultra-resilient, so as not to “act in kind”.

Be forgiving, and if humanly possible…merciful.

Mercy Office 453

“Why shouldn’t we laugh…we have recovered”

I have completely recovered from all addictions and childhood abuse and even the generations of bad blood.

I have lost everything, but I not only have recovered…I have recreated myself.

I just laugh now ?

Mercy Office 454

Even if I stop all my compulsion, I am still responsible for my mental health:

My attitudes, thoughts, beliefs and feelings.

I choose a positive attitude

I choose positive thoughts

I chooses honest, loving beliefs

Let my feelings run where they may

Mercy Office 455

My father said he ate food so that he wouldn’t waste it…but truthfully, he ate to feed his bulimia.

Have mercy on my family, Lord

Mercy Office 456

I am not a religious man.

I am a spiritual man.

What does that mean?

It means that I sacrifice to God.

Some big ticket things that I sacrifice are:

Alcohol

Drugs

Tobacco

Caffeine

Gluttony resulting in being fat

Masturbation

Sex without commitment

Intriguing with women

Objectifying women

Fantasizing about women

Debting

Overworking

Religious preoccupation

Codependency

Narcissim

Being a victim

But I also surrender working on Sundays the last 2.5 years.

The ancient Jews called it the “Sabbath”.

That temporal boundary has been surprisingly helpful to me.

Business has grown so much that I will worked on Sabbath for the first time two weeks ago…at a 30% overtime charge, LOL

Mercy Office 457

When I wake up I start to think about my problems and I feel worried.

This is because, at 12 years old, when my mother ran away from my father and took me, I decided that I wanted to be like her instead of him.

She was artistic, very high verbal, read books and could talk to anybody about anything. I liked and admired her.

But she “constantly dwelt on her pain and problems” as the Al-anon 12x12 describes, due to living with my alcoholic, sexually addicted, workaholic father.

So I worry… That is my natural, default-to, emotional state of affairs.

It can be about money, health, my crazy landlord, Covid 19, politics or the fate of the icebergs and their effects on polar bears…anything will suffice.

The problem with defaulting to this “attitude and outlook on life” (Big Book) is that I want to get away. I hate my life. It is misery…endless misery.

Now the good thing about masturbation is that the drug tetrahydroisoquinoline, which is produced in my brain when I am aroused (Patrick Carnes Phd) completely overwhelms any feelings I may have of worry.

Actually, just the fantasy that precedes masturbation, engages that drug release into my blood system.

With the all-or-nothing, black and white, extreme thinking, that I learned as a child, I see only two choices: Worry my life away…or masturbate.

That might be an okay temporary solution, but as an addict, I very quickly become dependent on this solution to all my worry.

But, now I have two problems: worry and masturbation.

So, first I have to stop masturbating and you guys know the drill: meetings, a sponsor, meetings, step work, meetings, prayer, meetings, phone calls, meetings, service (Rinse and repeat).

But…that will stop, but not solve the problem. I have to “get down to causes and conditions” as the Big Book says.

So, back to Mama…

Mama was scared that Dad would leave her and she would have no money….which he did.

She was scared that her children would not obey her and wouldn’t become doctors and lawyers…which they didn’t.

She was scared that she would die from smoking…which she did.

I learned to face life…but to be very fearful.

This attitude towards life is so entrenched in me that only an act of God will remove it.

This is where steps 6 and 7 come in very handily.

The problem with “removal of character defects”  is that it is not magic.

It is painful and takes a lot of persistence.

What God does not do is magically remove my defects.

He allows me to be in the same, or similar, situations that my Mama was in...and then extends me the opportunity to reach out to Him when I feel my fearfulness coming on and to “Humbly ask for help.”

I wish it were more like the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, but the truth is that “God is the hardest taskmaster there is” (Gandhi).

I find it useful to “Cling to the Lord...and cry out for mercy”.

Sometimes he will be merciful...

Mercy Office 458

There is a quote in “Talledega Nights”:

“Yep, I guess things are just about perfect... it's making me feel kind of itchy.”

There have been times in the last 40 years when I have surrendered every single thing I know to be addictive, self-destructive, selfish or dishonest.

After a while I would get “itchy”.

I am simply not used to a peaceful, contented life.

My father’s American Dream, like most of the post World War II men, was simply to own a house, two cars and have 2.3 children.

My American Dream, in my youth, was to be a rockstar.

At 65, my American Dream is to simply be fully recovered and enjoy my life with my family.

Mercy Office 459

There’s a wonderful document delineating three things: sick sex, sane sex, sacred sex.

In our literature, we designate those terms: addiction, healthy sex and Holiness.

Sacred sex is divided into two categories, according to this document. Chastity and non-orgasmic sexuality.

In 2002, a disease was discovered called post orgasmic illness syndrome, or POIS.  (search internet for history).

There is a very tiny subset of people who are afflicted with this illness.

When it was discovered by Dr. Waldinger, it was originally determined that the onset of the symptoms occurred immediately after orgasm.

After extensive research, I contacted Dr. Waldinger, neurosexologist, who revised his definition to include the onset of symptoms, at the point of arousal, when the semen begins to descend the urethra, rather than upon completion of male orgasm.

So, for me, non-orgasmic sexuality is part of healthy sex...not Holiness.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to imagine God having sex to feel blissful, please a partner or even be emotionally intimate.

It is easy, however, to imagine God, sacrificing his energy...to create life.

That is holy...

Mercy Office 460

Lord,

Help me when I sin.

Help me to take responsibility for my mistakes and be honest about them.

Help me to be willing to change, and if I am honestly not willing, help me to be willing to be willing.

Help me to allow myself to be angry with myself but not beat myself up for my errors.

Help me to forgive myself.

Help me to have mercy on myself.

Mercy Office 461

HP,

Help me to pray for my enemies.

If nothing else for the reason that, without my own resentment, I can think more clearly how to respond to them.

But, even more than that, to be truly grateful for them, because you have built us, as your children, potentially, “To be at our best when things are at their worst”.

God bless my enemies.

Mercy Office 462

HP,
Thank you for my difficulties.

Thank you for the opportunity to protect my wife, children and myself.

Amen

Mercy Office 463

HP,

Have mercy on the old, sick and weak that are now dying, if it is your will.

Help me stay strong to take care of my family by doing what I know, obviously, or instinctively, to be healthy.

Help me not be “as the horse or the mule” when it comes to choices to be healthy.

Help me not act as a child waiting for “Precise instructions”.

Help me to be intelligent.

Mercy Office 464

HP,

Help me to balance my life with my wife so that I remain completely transparent with her, but yet keep boundaries around duties you have assigned to me, so that she is not burdened with the concerns of my labors.

Lord knows she’s got her hands full with Gummy, who we now call Magellan or Huck Finn, for his inquisitiveness...What a cutie!

Thank you for the “joy of our hearts”.

Mercy Office 465

“All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness”
Page 40 AA 12x12

For me, this is probably the most spiritually enlightening sentence in the entire 12x12.

Everyone needs to try to stop addiction by themselves at first. It’s the most natural thing in the world. If I have a problem I want to solve it. So I try, and I try, and I try.

But at some point, I have to be honest with myself, “I am failing at trying to stop”.

A failure is the most terrible thing you can be in the American consciousness as a man...That word strikes shame at the very core of self-esteem.

But it is absolutely necessary, critically necessary, to “develop the quality of willingness“.

I have to “hit bottom”, as the AA first step says.

It may take months. It may take years to accept powerlessness.

But, at last...with that self-honesty, I have an opportunity to develop something I have known very little about in my life...humility.

“I admit that I am powerless over masturbation-that my life has become unmanageable”.

Without this willingness there will never be success.

The crucial point is...am I willing to try something different and to let go of my old ideas?

It’s scary...Why?

Because my body is pumping tetrahydrosequinoline, the chemical that makes me feel good when I am orgasmic, when I am aroused, when I intrigue, objectify or fantasize.

The craving for more is on me and is too strong for me.

In fairness and truth, there are people for whom masturbation is an annoying little habit and they can stop with some “Blood, sweat and tears”.

Those are not the people we serve.

If you think that you can stop addiction with a Tony Robbins self-help program, your religion, or a YouTube video…Stop reading the this now. This is not for you.

For us, those are “old ideas”.

But, if you really want to stop masturbating and honestly can’t stop...we know how to do that.

Mercy Office 466

I feel reduced in size when I have the humility to accept that I cannot stop...but I have the opportunity to do something different.

I see other men who are successful at stopping masturbation and that is the only real hope that I have at that point...that is, if I believe that they are being honest.

Then there is a cliff I have to jump off...I have to ask them how they did it.

This is a point in my recovery which requires tremendous courage.

None of us has had perfect childhoods and there may be some reluctance to ask for help.

Some people say that the unwillingness to ask for help is just Pride.

But Pride comes from not wanting to be hurt again...and that is a learned behavior.

Sometimes I am so afraid to be willing to ask for help that I have to pray to be willing to be willing.

If I am too afraid to ask people to help me, I can simply start praying the Second Step (my personal favorite) “ I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity”...and I am on my way.

Mercy Office 467

Higher Power,

Help me to be free of masturbation, affairs and pornography...as they make me feel “pitifully and incomprehensibly demoralized”.

Help me to be free of objectification, fantasy and intrigue as these boundary-less behaviors lead me to masturbation, affairs and pornography.

Help me be willing to do a “finite period of chastity”, minimally 60 days, to just get the disease out of my system.

Help replace the hurt that is within me, that I now surrender to you, to find the grace, serenity, happiness, joy and finally peace of mind that You offer.

...with all my heart, mind and soul.
_Anonymous

Mercy Office 468

HP,

Help me to be merciful to the alcoholic who is hungover, paranoid with fear and obsessed with not being alone. That was me once...except my disease was turned on 11, instead of 6.

Help me to be merciful, compassionate and forgiving to those with deep childhood wounds...my own childhood wounds are as wide as the sky.

Mercy Office 469

HP,

I am feeling scared, hurt, sad, needy and lonely, but faithful.

I am in a war for my home.

I believe it is your will for me to fight for it, for my son, for my wife and for myself.

I surrender my fear to you today...as it is Sabbath

And I will continue with my prayers, fasting and chastity.

I pray only for knowledge of your will for me and the power to carry that out.

Amen

Mercy Office 470

Dear Whatever-Power-there-may-be-in-the-Sky-that-I-hope-is-listening-to-me,

I am hanging around on Sunday fasting, praying and even practicing chastity, hoping that I can get a word in with you.

I am feeling really scared and if you wouldn’t mind sending me a flash of intuition, a hunch, or a nudge of some sort to let me know what your will is I would really appreciate it.

I know it’s Sunday and a big work day for you...but “Just a touch”, would really help...

Mercy Office 471

Mark Twain from age 13 to 32 would be:

a print typesetter

a would-be merchant transporting cocaine from Brazil

a Mississippi River Boat pilot for four years (the rock stars of the the 1850’s)

a short lived Confederate soldier...two weeks!

a failed silver prospector

a newspaper reporter,

and a failed gold prospector...all by 32 years old

Then he found his calling...writing and lecturing

I played guitar, bass, drums, trumpet, sang, wrote songs, arranged, produced, engineered, did part-time comedy, musical sales, entertained and taught music from 13 to 33 years old and then I found my calling...12 Step

Mercy Office 472

For Jason:

My wife and I have to come up with a great deal of cash for legal fees to defend against my landlord, or we are going to lose my home of 17 1/2 years.

I feel very anxious about this and, as a codependent, I find myself “constantly dwelling on pain and problems” as the Al-anon 12x12 states in the 6th Step.

The most beautiful prayer ever written to relieve anxiety is this one, Jesus’s most tender and loving words to a wounded man-and-womankind:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

This is the gentlest, kindest most inclusive invitation to God ever written.

As I repeat this prayer “over and over again” as the AA 12x12 says in Step Eleven, my fear disappears and I...feel the presence of the Living God.

It feels almost like magic.

But, if I want to quit masturbating or using porn that is not the right tool to use.

I go to meetings every day, keep a day count, get a sponsor and call daily for direction...and follow it, do a moral inventory and help other sex addicts every day.

One tool is surgery, one is therapy.

Both are beautiful tools, but I must not insist that a saw be a hammer or a hammer be a saw.

I must chose the right tool for the right job.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I have been writing prayers for 12 steppers since 1992, but that’s better than anything I’ve got...or ever hope to do.

Thanks Lord...really, thanks.

Mercy Office 473

New simplified “Needs”:

HP,

Help me to love myself today...

After meeting my physical needs for air, water, food, exercise and sleep help me to fully actualize by meeting my needs for:

•Safety (physical, emotional and financial)

•Love and belonging

•Esteem of others/Self-esteem

•Spirituality through connectedness, originally with God, then others, and finally...lastingly and constantly with myself, through prayer and service

•Contentment through realization of my highest, realistically attainable goal

•Creativity through creating beauty for the joy of it

•Peace of mind through knowing my soul

Mercy Office 474...Sometimes I simply need God’s mercy

Psalm 32

1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. "Selah"

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"-- and you forgave the guilt of my sin. "Selah"

6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.

7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. "Selah"

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.

9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.

10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the LORD  and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Psalm 102

1 Hear my prayer, O LORD; let my cry for help come to you.

2 Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly.

3 For my days vanish like smoke; my bones burn like glowing embers.

4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food.

5 Because of my loud groaning I am reduced to skin and bones.

6 I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins.

7 I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof.

8 All day long my enemies taunt me; those who rail against me use my name as a curse.

9 For I eat ashes as my food and mingle my drink with tears

10 because of your great wrath, for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.

11 My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass.

12 But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations.

13 You will arise and have compassion on Zion, for it is time to show favor to her; the appointed time has come.

14 For her stones are dear to your servants; her very dust moves them to pity.

15 The nations will fear the name of the LORD, all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.

16 For the LORD will rebuild Zion and appear in his glory.

17 He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea.

18 Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the LORD:

19 "The LORD looked down from his sanctuary on high, from heaven he viewed the earth,

20 to hear the groans of the prisoners and release those condemned to death."

21 So the name of the LORD will be declared in Zion and his praise in Jerusalem

22 when the peoples and the kingdoms assemble to worship the LORD.

23 In the course of my life he broke my strength; he cut short my days.

24 So I said: "Do not take me away, O my God, in the midst of my days; your years go on through all generations.

25 In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands.

26 They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded.

27 But you remain the same, and your years will never end.

28 The children of your servants will live in your presence; their descendants will be established before you."

Mercy Office 475

If I can accept God’s mercy, I might be able to have mercy on myself.

If I can have mercy on myself, I might be able to have mercy on others.

That would make me a lot easier to get along with...