Masturbation II

In 1988 AA was under siege.

Every few days someone from our 11:00 am AA meeting would drop out of site for 30 days and then return from “Treatment”.

Suddenly you would hear people saying they were codependents, love addicts, survivors of childhood sexual abuse or overeaters.

AA defended herself by creating the “Singleness of purpose” doctrine.

They remembered what had happened when the Washingtonians “became fragmented in their primary purpose”, in the 1850’s, and these people wanted to keep AA alive, so it was voted on, group by group, and decided to make an announcement before each meeting: “Please restrict your comments to problems with alcohol”.

It felt familiar to me. During the Vietnam War you were either with Nixon...or you were with Hendrix.

It was a silly extremity, but everyone took it very seriously.

In that atmosphere I began, very quietly, to ask men in AA, who had more time than me, about their sex lives.

First was Shaky Sam. A big, country boy in his mid-fifties (which I thought was very old back then).

Shaky had 23 years not drinking which was the longest time anyone had in our local AA clubhouse.

He was a gentle bear of a man, a mighty and unabashed Methodist and when he spoke in meetings he referred to Higher Power as “The Lord”...He was the only one who could get away with that kind of public familiarity with God.

I told Shaky I couldn’t stop masturbating and he flushed and kind of “Pshawed” me, like “Boy, why you talking about things like that?”

But, when I told him that I couldn’t stop having sex with another woman, not my wife, I received something I did not understand.

He got very serious, looked me deeply in the eyes and said “ You ask God to forgive you and you go on ahead”.

He had forgiven me BEFORE I had done it.

It was a unique experience in my life.

It was the first time I had received mercy.

When he died a year later from cancer I cried so hard that a woman had to lead me out of the church because I was going to pass out, from not enough oxygen-crying so hard, just like I had seen little old ladies do in the African American funerals I had seen as a child.

To this day, 32 years later, when I hear “In the Sweet Bye and Bye” I weep thinking of Shaky.

Shaky was not at our 11:00 am everyday, but Bob C. was.

Bob had 16 years and was the biggest fish in our AA daily pond. It’s undisputed leader.

Bob was late fifties, had glasses so thick they seemed like telescopes from the side and when you looked him in the eye he was so magnified it was like you could see right into his skull.

He was very dignified and yet he dressed like an 8 year old boy in a light yellow canvas jacket and deck jeans and deck tennies.

But the two things that were striking about Bob were his photographic memory of the AA 12x12 ...and he had an incredibly hot wife.

Bob had what we all wanted: long term AA sobriety and hot sex.

So, privately, I asked Bob about his sex life and he was direct, “I masturbate and I make love to my wife”.

Bob was mean as a snake and Shaky was as loving as a lion, but neither one felt very helpful on the masturbation issue.

Then there was Tom B. the man who taught me about feelings...a life changer.

Tom was traveling paint salesman and he kept the job, he told me once laughingly, so he could masturbate five times a day while driving. I guess I was mad about his uselessness, because I stole his girlfriend, who turned out to be my last acting out partner...Ugh, that’s an ugly thought.

A couple of times, I very foolishly spoke openly in an AA meeting about this stuff.

Fred C. said “We don’t talk about our pee-pee’s here” and Stan P. said “That’s chickenshit”.

It’s funny how things turn out because I ended up playing Amazing Grace at Stan P.’s funeral.

Finally, I talked to my quite enlightened Episcopal priest and he was very matter of fact...”I masturbate.”

I was “0 in 6”.

But finally, God sent me Eddie H.

Eddie, too, had a hot partner, which I noticed right away.

They both started out cheating on their spouses, with each other, and going to orgies.

And now he was faithful to his partner...and he had stopped masturbating and had even done 60 days of celibacy!

I had found someone who had what I wanted...and it began.

This was an incredibly confusing time.