Masturbation

32 years ago it was explained to me, by my soon to be sponsor, that sexual sobriety was “No masturbation and no sex outside a committed monogamous relationship”.

Also, that any active sexuality was preceded by a minimum of 60 days of complete sexual abstinence from all genital contact with anyone, including a partner or wife.

The second part seemed impossible, but I belonged to an SLAA group that would not allow members to sponsor, lead meetings, hold service positions, read the literature out loud in meetings, or even speak in meetings until that 60 days was accomplished.

I felt incredibly outraged. How dare they?

Secretly though, as I saw the men and women who had done it, I wished to be like them.

I railed against it to members who would listen to me rant. They gently, but firmly, held the boundaries of the group.

Me not getting my way, in that particular instance, was the very best thing I ever did, after stopping drinking alcohol.

I began to try to get sexually sober in August 1988 and it wouldn’t be until June 26, 1990 that I would actually start my first successful 60 days of celibacy.

I failed and I failed and I failed and I failed.

I remember saying to myself at one point “You must be the stupidest guy in the room because everybody else is getting this except you.”

Gandhi had a quote that endeared me to him very much “I feel that the final resolution was the cumulative affect of those unsuccessful strivings”.

A normal person’s thoughts are 80% negative. Being an addict, I was close to 100%.

What I couldn’t see at the time was that every time I got another day sober, even if I failed the next day, was adding to my getting “permanently sober”, as the Doctor’s Opinion states.

At first I could only get six days away from masturbation if I put everything I had into it.

That went on for a while.

Then I started utilizing more and more of the tools.

I had a sponsor, a blessedly gentle, loving, kind, positive sponsor.

Without him, and talking to him daily, sometimes two or three times a day, I simply wouldn’t of made it. I’ll never be able to repay him.

I had learned in AA to go to meetings, meetings, meetings.

But there were only two in our city.

I organized my life around getting to those Wednesday night and Sunday afternoon meetings.

Then I started reading the literature. Not just reading but studying, learning, integrating the words.

I used the SLAA book and Hope and Recovery, which are now our D and E Offices respectively.

They were invaluable. They taught me the methodology of how to get sexually sober.

Now I had three tools: meetings, a sponsor and literature.

My day count began to rise. I could get nine or ten days.

In those days we did written first steps that were read publicly to two other more experienced members in a privately held group that anyone could schedule.

It was like a Fourth Step in AA except it was strictly on sexual behavior.

When I read it to them, I was more scared than I’ve ever been except for when my father would beat me in public...or the first time I ever packed my own parachute.

But, it helped me turn a corner.

My day count began to rise. I could get in the high teens: 15 days, 17 days, 19 days.

There was no discussion of whether or not we could keep a day count to ourselves. That was not an available choice…And I’m glad.

I began to employ another tool: Prayer.

It was tentative at first. I had some real father issues that leaked over into the God of my understanding and I was afraid and I did not trust God.

But the slogan “Act as if”, I was told, would work just fine…And it did.

I made it past the “Withdrawal period” of 19 days and got 23 days.

I relapsed again and began to use a tool I would not have used before…The phone.

I got everybody’s phone number who had more time than me and started calling them every other day, sometimes everyday.

I finally hit 32 days!

I relapsed again. I felt discouraged… But, I would not stop.

Now I had meetings, a sponsor, literature, prayer, and fellowship.

I surrendered again and this time I made it 43 days.

And then I found the “Silver bullet”...Service

I began to reach out to people who had one less day of sexual sobriety than I did and I began to try to help them.

And a wondrous and a curious thing happened: I began to feel better than I’ve ever felt in my life.

I made it to 58 days...Two days short of being sexually sober and I slipped again.

I think God just wanted to make sure that I really wanted it.

On June 26, 1990 I surrendered again, using all the tools that had been laid at my feet.

That was 30 years ago today. I have not masturbated since.

I want to thank all the men who helped me those first two years.

They completely formed my character.

I was dishonest, selfish, resentful and afraid when I came in.

I want to thank all the men who are reading this because you keep me sober every day… Three hours at a time.