Holy Man Wandering-
Monday July 6, 2026
Wandering Holiness…all that means is striving to get rid of all addiction. It is Thanksgiving Monday!
I am grateful for FA, a place where I can talk, and more importantly listen, to other people talk about eating too much food and what to do about it. Being thin is not my highest priority, but it is my third most important spiritual action I take.
Listening there, gives me perspective on my problems and that is the literal definition of sanity according to the Big Book.
Also, I must say that I am extremely careful in FA , as they are up to 90 percent women, and I do not give my number out at meetings, and I do not make, or take, calls from any females, except Miss Shirley, and that is because she perfectly committed to chastity.
I am grateful for Caffa. It has been 2 years and eight months, two days ago, since I had caffeine. That’s important, for me, because caffeine is a binge food for me and, once I start, after the third day, I am so high that I have to use food to calm down.
I am grateful for DA, although I don’t go anymore. I have spent three months doing daily numbers and I have been working especially hard last week on them. DA essentially says that to be sober you need not to debt, keep a record of what you spend and then make a Spending Plan…I finally did the third part on the 4th of July, and while I absolutely did not have a good attitude about it, I did feel a lot of freedom on the 4th of July!
I am grateful that we survived Covid and I am grateful for how it permanently affected 12 Step and brought us firmly into the accepting the Digital Age…I was so tired of Crosstown Traffic and looking for parking in San Francisco!
I am grateful for Sotcc. I do it, strictly for me, but I suspect that the whole world might be a little less selfish place if we all took a stab at that goal…and a less selfish world doesn’t sound too bad, to me.
I also am grateful for chastity, because it completely closes the door, for a while, on my lust, which is the most significant driver in my life and , according to the Fourth Step in both the Big Book and 12 x12, is the root cause of all my addictions. It’s a good life hack, for me.
I am grateful to the State of California and the City of San Francisco for the financial support they offer to the old, and to single fathers raising young children. Their financial support has enabled me to research chastity and to apply it in many situations to assist in healing various addictions…and that’s the very definition of holiness accord to the Ancient Jews …”being set apart” to be able to serve others better.
Holy Man Wandering-
Thursday July 2, 2026
From a conversation I had with Eric
There is a 12 year old part of me that
believes that:
Slavery is wrong
Women should get paid equal pay for equal work
John Kennedy was killed by a single crazy man
Vietnam was wrong
Jesus can save me from all my problems
Divorce is wrong and will never happen to me
Truth will always win
Courage and faith is enough to win and always fight to victory
Friendships never end
No one will ever get fat
Black people make the best music
Red is the best color
Steak is the best food
Fords can outrun Chevrolet
America is the greatest nation on earth
God is real
Holy Man Wandering July 1, 2026
Inventory Hope:
After hoping to win Stevie's safety... I already have what I have wanted most in this life: Sexual peace of mind.
Originally, I wanted sexual satisfaction when I did my first Fifth Step with someone, 38 years ago, and I worked very hard to achieve that. Masturbation, it was explained to me, was selfish and I had enough common sense to know that I couldn't have peace of mind and be selfish at the same time, so that had to go.
I was also taught that, generally speaking, most of the time, a healthy straight female is going to need commitment to be "fully in" a relationship, so affairs had to go.
Healthy Sex was manageable. I worked on no objectifying , fantasising, or intriguing with my chosen partner (Sometimes married, sometimes not) which kept me from driving the poor girl crazy...and it worked.
The sexual energy was transmuted into all kinds of things: running, writing music, raising children, reading books...and just laughing endlessly. It was very satisfying for a very long time.
To be healthy in a relationship I had to learn a number of self-care skills:
I learned how to be in touch with my feelings and to accept them and to share them with safe people so that I stayed emotionally balanced.
I learned how to meet my needs, particularly those most human needs for "love and belonging and "esteem of others". This was a crucial skill so that I wouldn't become emotionally dependent on a sexual partner.
I learned to set boundaries with others who were, verbally or physically, intentionally or unintentionally, hurtful and or harmful to me or those in my care.
I learned how to announce my own limits, as an act of humility, so that I wouldn't over obligate myself to something that I couldn't fully commit to ....and end up feeling angry with myself and blaming others for my mistakes in judgement.
I learned how to take "No" for an answer, and to be reasonably OK, when I wanted to be sexual and my partner, for whatever reason, did not want to.
And there were lots of other skills that were necessary to have a successful partnership: the ability to negotiate, to compromise, to forgive, etc.
I had also been in custody court enough times to recognise a pattern:
At the end of a marriage the judge asks two very sobering questions: Who will raise the children and who will pay the debts?
He/She did not ask were you really physically attracted to this person? Were you really spiritually a match? Did you share common interests? Did they make you laugh really hard? Did you want to spend your whole life them?
None of that mattered, finally, to them.
A simple question began to occur to me? What is the real purpose for a relationship?
Holy Man Wandering June 30, 2026
Inventory
When really challenged I recognise the danger to my abstinence.
When the challenge is over, my guard is down.
A litigious challenge has been addressed a week ago and I can feel the pressure diminished.
But, my abstinence is really important to me so I am going to extra meetings, doing more prayer and more exercise.
You know, old school tools.
I am grateful for all the techniques I have learned in 12 step that I can apply when needed.
Thanks, guys. Really thanks.
Holy Man Wandering-
June 29, 2026
What I am grateful for
I haven’t:
• had a drink or drug in
38 years 2 months 25 days
• smoked a cigarette or been overweight in 37 years 7 months and 6 days
• had coffee in 2 years 7 months 18 days
• masturbated or had an affairs in 36 years, 3 days
• had sex except to create children for 4 years, 7 months and 26 days...Sotcc
I am grateful for complete Chastity for 1 year, 8 months and 15 days
Weighing and measuring my food
No flour and no sugar in my life
Grateful for my tiny 320 square foot home on the top floor, back of the 24 unit complex and the only unit with a view
My beautiful guitar
Living in the most beautiful city in the world
Being retired
Been Fathering 6 years , after my relationship with God, this is my most precious gift. God has not withheld the request of my lips or denied the desire of my heart, as Psalm 21 states.
Having a wonderful musician, B.B.,to play with... and now sing with
Service as the most direct, most reliable source to reach the God of my understanding
My bone sunglasses that I bought, in a women's wear store, to celebrate the fact that I am Stevie's Acting Mother
Holy Man Wandering Friday June 26 , 2026
Because of the Lord Almighty, the One that has All Power, and for me, because he personally gave me the power to overcome that which I absolutely could not overcome by myself...I have not masturbated or cheated on a woman in 36 years...as of today.
Not cheating on a woman may not mean much to you, but, not masturbating for that long may feel, on the other extreme,...uselessly long, because you can't relate to those kind of numbers.
But, let me tell you some of the things that that number means.
It means I have never, in 36 years, had someone, like my wife, my child, my boss or my coworkers walk in and catch me masturbating.
I always hid that. Why?
I was ashamed of myself. I wouldn't want my son or my daughter to see me doing it. And, also, I would not want them to do that.
Actually, I hid it perfectly from the time I was 16, when I started masturbating until I was 35, when I stopped.
I was a perfect liar about it.
I lied about it, sneaked around, pretended I was doing something else in the bathroom.
That's about how it affected others, but the great lie about masturbation is the incredibly nefarious lie that "It doesn't hurt anybody".
Martin Luther King used to say "There is nothing more dangerous than conscientious stupidity". That means if you know something is wrong and you're doing it anyway, not only are you stupid… You are dangerously stupid, morally. Those are some pretty serious words. But, they come from a pretty serious, if imperfect, man who was very useful to a lot of people...
One of the greatest gifts of not masturbating is I don't feel bad afterward. Hemingway used to say that you can tell what's moral...by how you feel after afterward.
If you want to find out whether masturbation is OK for you… And it's OK for many, if not most people on the Earth, then simply masturbate and, afterward, be completely honest with yourself about how you feel. I felt, as the Big Book says on page 30, " Pitifully and incomprehensively demoralised."
I never felt stronger, more masculine, more powerful, more lion-hearted, more clear, more relaxed, more easy does it, more fun, or quick with a joke… After masturbating...never, not once.
But, there were other good reasons not to masturbate.
One was, as a straight male, I really wanted to penetrate females and every guy knows you have to do a lot of talking, hanging around, paying attention to, etc, to get a girl to have sex with you...and that was good for me. It made me less self-centered. It made me aware of feelings in others which lead, eventually, to learning about feelings within me.
So, even though my motives were selfish...I got a little better as a human...rather slowly, but, still better.
Masturbation short circuits that maturity process. It kind of keeps me in an eighth-grade mentality, forever.
And it takes the" Fire in the belly" out of me and throws me on the ground, time after time.
Finally, the thing of supreme value that complete abstinence from
Masturbation brings is that the semen is left in my body, so that, when the time comes...I can produce children, and that...not love, not pleasure, not closeness... is the most miraculous thing that sex can do.
One day...three hours at a time.
Holy Man Wandering Thursday June 25 , 2026
HP,
If I make it through today, it will be 36 years of no masturbation and no affairs.
That is the second greatest gift I have received from you.
The greatest gift I received from you was stopping drinking.
They were gifts because, truly, I could not stop.
I worked extremely hard to stop both of those things… But, it wasn't enough.
Without your help, I simply could not have done it.
I am humbly grateful.
Accepting those gifts led to so many other gifts that I never imagined were possible
Again… I am grateful
Holy Man Wandering Wednesday , June 24, 2026
I pray for Wisdom...
After a massive battle in court yesterday, where ten people showed up to testify for Stevie D., including three professional therapists, a teacher, a child care specialist, two Missionaries, a Bishop and his wife, orchestrated with the most humble, meekest guidance I could receive by asking for guidance from my Higher Power, "The Jury is still out" ...as the Judge deliberates.
This battle is not about me. It is about Stevie D. It is the most important day in his life. It will determine his destiny.
I am humbly grateful for all the guidance I have received from my Higher Power and the strength to fight, as hard as I could, for what I believe: that the most important thing, in human ife...is the the way children are treated...when they are young.
I have done my duty..The rest is up to God.
Inshallah
As for me and Stevie...we are going to drive 50 miles this morning to our favourite restaurant for breakfast this morning.
Thank every single one of you listening to this because the Holy Spirit, the "God of Community" could not exist without every single one of you.
Steve D.
Holy Man Wandering Tuesday , June 23, 2026
In 1991, I met a strong man from AA in what would be the very first SA that we inaugurated in Atlanta Georgia.
Robert reminded me of those Matthew Brady photos from the Civil War: sturdy, firm, moustachioed.
He had an expression that I learned from him that I have used for 35 years:
" You chose which hill you die on".
I have chosen, for me, for that hill to be "fighting for children not to be harmed"z
I have won seven times. I have lost twice.
Today June 23, 2026, at 1:45 pm, I go to fight on that mountain again, for Stevie D., my son.
The Big Book says we can pray for ourselves if others will be benefitted.
I pray for Stevie D, through me and my team's efforts will win the day so that Stevie has the opportunity to be a safe, normal boy and develop the Love of God that he has so recently embraced.
Amen
Holy Man Wandering Monday, June 22, 2026
Lord God,
I turn my life and my will over your Care, just for today, three hours at a time.
I surrender all my thoughts and my feelings, my needs, my attitudes, my beliefs over to your Care.
Help me to take actions that would be of maximum service to you and my fellows.
...And to balance that service to others with self-care, which I believe is your role for all of us.
Amen
PS: and help me to " absolutely insist upon enjoying life", just for today
Holy Man Wandering Friday June 19, 2026
Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle.
What if you have humbly asked God for an intuitive thought or decision… And there isn't one given... for whatever reason?
Still..."We relax and take it easy"
How do we do that? I find prayer to be very useful.
There are different kinds of prayers.
There are intercessory prayers where you ask God for things:
If your child, or someone that you love, is very sick. You can ask God to heal them not give them over to death. Often people find prayer that way..
There of prayers of praise which I always thought was kind of silly. I figured God knew who he was and was self-assured enough that He didn't require adulation. But, the truth is, there's something about a human being, psychologically, that operates better when he's not completely in control, of everything, all the time... and to acknowledge that is a real emotional freedom and Boon of Peace.
There are prayers of Thanksgiving for good gifts that have been received from the God of your own understanding.
There are prayers of lament...when terrible loss has been suffered.
When there used to be Kings, there were prayers for Royalty, but you don't see that much anymore, since the French Revolution .
There are imprecatory prayers... were you just rain down curses on your enemies. Those can be relieving. There are six in the book of Psalms.
Classic prayers like the Lord's Prayer and The 23rd Psalm contain several types of styles, within a prayer.
My favourite… Is surrender prayers.
In AA, the Third Step Prayer is probably the best example
I believe what the Big Book says that "most of my problems of my own making". I also believe what Proverbs 3:5 says "Lean not on your own understanding."
So my favourite type of prayer, day in and day out, is to surrender my thoughts to God and then just breathe in deeply… And count.
Holy Man Wandering Thursday June 18, 2026
You know God, I'm going to go to my grave believing that it is your will to not have children be harmed
I have fought those wars nine times and I have won seven for children.
But, it is not about me winning, it's about the children winning.
Why you did not let children win twice is beyond my understanding..in this lifetime.
What is not beyond my understanding is that It is your will for children to have safe lives... and I am devoted to doing your will.
I will do my part… Inshallah
Holy Man Wandering Wednesday June 17, 2026
Holiness? How about still just breathing?
I'm so grateful and I'm not tore up every day from alcohol, where my mind couldn't think, all my feelings were completely numb. I wasn't functional until 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I didn't feel normal till 5 o'clock in the afternoon… When I started drinking again. That went on for years in my life.
Then I had a blessing. I hit bottom. I was willing to do anything to stop feeling that badly.
I tried to stop. I made it about nine months and then visited my father and relapsed, really badly.
When I got home, I had my second blessing. I began to look for help. I realised I couldn't stop by myself and I started going to AA.
That was the first time in many, many years I was willing to listen to someone else and try to learn something new.
They had answers for pretty much Everything:
Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth
All you gotta know about God is you ain't him
Live one day at a time
Just keep coming back
...Foundational stuff
Holy Man Wandering Tuesday June 16, 2026
Can't let food get in the way of trying to live holy, holily ...whatever the adverb is:
An old story: I went out to lunch to an Italian restaurant with my only male FA sponsor.
I weighed myself before and after.
I had gained exactly 4 pounds even though I ate exactly what he ate.
Also, my only enjoyable beverage is a Mexican sparkling water which comes in 25 ounce bottles.
If I go crazy, and drink two of them in a day, that's an extra three pounds
So, all I've gotta do is eat out with somebody one meal, and then celebrate with sparkling water… And I'm up seven pounds.
When people are in town that can happen two days in a row
So I've seen my weight spike as much as 10 lbs in two days
Good news...it leaves almost as fast... in three days
It is an observable fact in my life that if I use any kind of drugs that it throws my food out of balance.
If I use caffeine… I need to come down
If I use a medication for neuropathy… I need to get up
In both cases, I enjoy being thin more than I enjoy taking drugs.
I must say though... once I hit my ideal Number… I start thinking about what I can do with food, LOL
Holy Man Wandering Monday June 15, 2026
In search of holiness…Which just means freedom from all addiction
God
I am grateful for being sick with a summer cold the last three days.
Actually, what I am grateful for are the spiritual tools to manage my discomfort.
Specifically, surrendering my thoughts (which aren't much good anyway, when I'm sick ) and taking 2850 conscious breaths (in typically 100 breath, 10 minute sessions) over the last three days.
Also, something that I learned from my first dog when I was 6...just lying still and eating virtually nothing.
Finally, when I did eat, I tried to squeeze the most nutrition I could out of every bite.
I'm still not at 100%, but my general health is better than it was three days ago.
I look forward to more active self-care and service today
Also I want to keep in mind that right beneath the surface are a number of workaholic fears characterised by the phrase:
"I got to "
"I got to "
"I got to "
When those workaholic fears appear, I want to surrender them to you today. I did...with the help of a 10th Step
Holy Man Wandering Tuesday June 2, 2026
I am a needy man.
I need air.
The word spiritual comes from the Latin word spiritus which means breath. I need to breathe, more than anything in life… I need to breathe...
When we do breath exercises in physical humility… My most profound human need is met
Now don't get confused. I still need water, food, sleep, and exercise as my most fundamental needs.
I need for safety: I need to be assured that you won't hit or hurt me or that you have a weapon.
I need to feel sure that you will not try to shame me or blame me or control me, so I have need for emotional safety as well as physical safety.
I have a need for financial safety: I need to know that I have a home to live in, clothes to wear, food to eat, transportation, medical care, and money for entertainment and vacations as part of my mental health.
Then I have a need for love and belonging: I need to have a place where I can unqualifiedly be myself, fully. I need to be not only accepted as I am but encouraged to be who I am and discover who I am can become.
And then have a need for your esteem. I need you to value me, and just say so. I need, within all modesty, to be recognised for my achievements and to know that I am valued in this community through your modest and appropriate praise.
Then I have a need for spirituality through prayer, meditation and through unselfish snervice to others, implementing God's Will so that I will be happy, joyous and free.
Next, I have a need for contentment, not only accepting my life as it is but choosing to be positive about whatever I have left
Finally, I have a need for peace of mind. As achieved in one way and one way only and that is true presenting my soul to myself..
Holy Man Wandering June 1, 2026
Responsibility…
The word responsibility comes from the Latin word “responsum” (one who is forced to answer to someone else).
I am forced to answer for my life. Why?
If I hurt someone else, it is up to me to make amends for that harm.
Further, if I hurt myself, it is up to me to make amends, to myself, for the harm I have caused myself.
If I ask God to take care of me, in areas where it is my job to take care of me….then, I am not being responsible.
AA says “God doesn’t fry eggs, pay bills or set alarm clocks”… You get the point.
Now I can’t stop drinking caffeine, or eating sugar, masturbating or taking pills. Truly…so that’s God’s job.
But, I can get a sponsor, go to meetings, read the Big Book, do written Step Work, pray and serve others.
If I am having a problem with God…it may be me and my demand that God do something that isn’t in his job description.
Just because God can do anything, doesn’t mean he will…or should.
Just sayin’
Holy Man Wandering May 27,2026
33 years ago, one of Niall's sponcees , John H. rather shyly and abashedly, asked me if I would write a document for the newcomers in his 12th Step group...And it was on.
I've written thirteen books and I've edited seven others.
A men's group asked if they could print my work for their organization..
FA asked me to rewrite their AWOL.
One of the new hybrid groups that have become popular for the last five years asked me to write their primary text.
For seven years, my primary income came from writing 12 Step books for a privately owned group.
I have edited the words of the greatest minds in the history of recovery : Bill Wilson, Gandhi, Patrick Carnes, Ellen Bass and Earnie Larsen
I have edited Plato, Confucius, Lao Tze, Buddha, Socrates and Aristotle.
I have edited Mark Twain, Jane Austin, George Eliot, John Milton and even Shakespeare.
I have edited Moses, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Ezekiel, Saint Paul and I've even edited the words of the Man himself… Jesus
But in 33 years, no one, absolutely no one, has edited my work.
Today, a well meaning young man took my work, ostensibly coming from very mouth of God Almighty, and changed the words.... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I can't stop laughing...
I guess I might've gotten too big for my britches...and I needed that.
Thanks to the young man, who shall remain anonymous, who had the unmitigated chutzpah to do that.
Thanks… Really thanks