Self-Love
In Al-Anon I discovered how to be myself.
I must not look to anyone else to make a good life for me; this I must to do for myself.
The only possible way to improve the conditions of one’s life is to improve one’s emotional condition.
Here are a new set of tools…love and humor.
...the only real answer to frustration is to concern myself with the drawing forth of what is uniquely me.
“....that thou art happy, thou owest to God; that thou continuest such, thou owest to thyself.” John Milton: Paradise Lost
I will not try to outwit or outmaneuver anyone else, but will proceed quietly to live my life...I will withdraw my mind from what others do.
What would happen if we stopped blaming anyone for anything.
My first obligation is to make a truly satisfying life for myself.
“Let me not deprive myself of the many little joys that are mine for the taking.”
Above all, we make…too, great demands on ourselves.
Little by little I can change my world.
I am building a wonderful life for myself today.
I think of humor as an especially appealing hobby. It takes no special equipment…and it never falls out of fashion.
What would happen if I started thanking God when problems occurred? If I replaced self-pity with gratitude?
Today, maintaining my serenity is my first priority.
I will spend more time with myself in this lifetime than with anyone else. Let me learn to be the kind of person I would like to have as a friend.
Is my physical well-being a priority?
By breathing deeply and looking at my surroundings, I can replace the obsessive thoughts with something positive.
I need to get beyond my thoughts, so I concentrate on my breathing, counting as I breathe in and out.
I value my own judgement. The approval I need…I provide.
I’ll cultivate a knack for recognizing and enjoying humorous moments.
I spend more time with myself then with anyone else. Doesn’t it makes sense to put some energy into making that relationship as fulfilling as possible?
I can choose to become someone I would want to have in my life.
My idea of serenity was sitting on a mountaintop with a silly grin on my face, not caring very much about anything.
My relationships will improve if I can love myself enough to let other people be themselves.
I can come to value my own company.
Recovery is a wonderful word. It means getting something back. Today I will try to remember “That something” is me.
Today, when I am by myself I will know that I am in good company.
Today, I will spend some time exploring the most intimate human relationship I will ever have—my relationship with myself.
I look for answers through my feelings. Only in this way can I find the courage to change.
Today I will put love first in my life.
I care enough about myself to take a quiet half hour to relax.
The Problem
I have been affected by someone else’s addiction. I don’t want to underestimate the lasting impact that addiction has had on me.
One of the signs that I have been affected by addiction is that I think I know what everyone else should do.
I was exhausted all the time!
When the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given my power over to others.
In order to keep family and friends from interfering with their addiction, addicts sometimes create diversions by accusing or provoking. As a result, nobody has to look at the addiction, for we are too busy focusing on a particular point being argued —any topic will do.
My list of the areas in which I felt my loved one had let me down went on and on.
I had spent a lot of time yearning for things I wasn’t getting from the addict in my life.
As a result, I have often found myself jumping at any opportunity without thinking it through. Behind my action was a sense of desperation: “I’d better grab this now – this may be my only chance”.
I was sure there had to be somebody in this world who would understand my every move, always have time for me, and bring a smile to my face. When that individual appeared, I’d finally have the love I deserved. Until then, I had no choice but to wait.
I have to accept that I, too, display symptoms similar to those of the alcoholic, among them obsession, anxiety, anger, denial and feelings of guilt.
One of my character defects is to respond in kind with the behavior that is directed at me—-to react to insults with more insults, to rudeness with rudeness.
I thought that in every conflict and every confrontation someone was inevitably at fault. It was essential to assign blame. I became a chronic scorekeeper.
I began to see that I wasn’t really admitting my powerlessness or I wouldn’t keep trying to control everyone and everything around me.
I choose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help.
I let go of my exaggerated sense of responsibility…I thought that everyone I ever knew belonged on my 8th step list.
It isn’t easy to remember that this helpless creature is a child of God, hurt, sensitive, sick with guilt, in need of our compassion.
During the days of active alcoholism, every problem loomed so large that I was overwhelmed by it.
It was the most important thing in the world. It was the final calamity.
Hysteria was in charge.
Wasn’t I determined to “Save“ the alcoholic, and that to the same degree as he was addicted to alcohol?
Am I really letting the alcoholic live his own life, or am I still trying to be the boss?
If I allow myself to be influenced by what the alcoholic says and does, it will make blocks and smears on my year.
This I will try to avoid at all costs.
I will not permit myself to become emotionally involved in matters that should not be my concern.
The Solution
My problem is me.
My share in the job of rehabilitating myself is to study and practice the program.
No one can make my decisions for me. That is my responsibility, and if it seems too heavy for me I will call on my Higher Power for guidance.
Because the past has been unhappy is no index that the future will continue to be.
Commit to act on God’s inspiration and guidance...acting upon it is my job.
I have a right to free myself from any situation that interferes with my having a decent life.
I will pray today and every day…for healthful thinking.
Rifts are often healed by making the first overtures to reconciliation.
Even if only a little bit of the blame was mine…the generous gesture will benefit me.
We cannot drop out of human involvement…without endangering our spiritual health.
It is through giving love, freely, that we find ourselves spiritually.
When I accept everything as it is I tend to be reasonably serene. When I spend my time wishing things were different, I know that serenity has lost its priority.
You’ll have to learn to make it whether the addicts do or not.
Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation, then deciding what we will do about it.
Maybe the reason for my confusion is that I tended to think in extremes. Either I focused on myself and separated myself completely from the lives of others, or I wrapped myself around those others until I lost myself. Program helps me to come back to center.
Boundaries are flexible, changeable, removable, so it’s up to me how open or closed, I’ll be at any given time. The other side is what behaviors to accept not only from others, but from myself.
I’m not zeroing in on one particular problem but rather participating in a whole host of solutions that can lead to emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
If my fear had simply been removed, I might never have known that I am capable of acting on my own behalf.
Today, when faced with choices, I will opt for the path that enhances my self-esteem.
What is the greatest hindrance to my achieving serenity? Determination — The grim resolve that I can do something about everything.
The difference between submission and surrender is:
“He accepts as a practical fact that he cannot at the moment conquer reality, but lurking in his own conscience is the feeling."
“There’ll come a day...”
This is no real acceptance...
Everything that happens to me is a gift from God.
Freedom, can only be achieved by paying the price we call acceptance.
If we can surrender to God‘s guidance it will cost us our self-will.
I will accept my share of responsibility for our troubles.
My search for peace of mind will bear fruit much more readily if I stop expecting…and relax into acceptance.
Relationships
Unless I am at peace with the child of God I am, I cannot love and help my neighbor.
Alcoholism is a disease— the alcoholic is a sick human being— we do not punish people for being sick.
Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do.
“If you cannot make yourself what you would like, how can expect to have another person exactly to your wishes?” Thomas á Kempis
My happiness cannot possibly depend on my forcing changes in somebody else. Nor does my misery come from anyone but myself.
With the help of my Higher Power, I can adorn my life with comfort, serenity and enjoyment.
Others can often see our problem more clearly than we can…and from that we get our best help.
We cannot recognize in ourselves the faults we criticize in others.
A good sponsor keeps in touch, gently conveys the idea that it’s always darkest just before dawn…and gives a lift .
We often wish we could experience closer, more loving relationships. Program suggests a gentle way of approaching this goal: sponsorship.
Sometimes the most compassionate thing I can do is to let others take responsibility for their behavior.
I care about the addict in my life more than I can say…and when I stop to think about it, that is enough.
My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else’s choices even when it’s someone I dearly love.
Sometimes I try to put spiritual space between myself and another person’s behavior. This doesn’t mean I stop loving the person, only that I acknowledge the risks to my own well-being and make choices to take care of myself.
When I kept her from facing the consequences of her actions, I actually was depriving her of opportunities to want to change.
No one person will ever offer all that we require.
I can see the alcoholic as more than his or her disease.
My idea of health was now based on living alone. I had to learn to find a balance between taking care of myself and being there for my partner; I had to learn to love again.
When I sense that a situation is dangerous to my physical, mental, or spiritual well-being, I can put extra distance between myself and the situation.
Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves.
As my sponsor put it, “Don’t just do something, sit there.“
Detachment in Coda
We know that most addicts have to hit “bottom” and become uncomfortable with their own behavior before they can effectively do something about it. Those of us who love addicts often have to learn to get out of the way of this bottom. We learn to detach with love…
Detachment is not caring less, it’s caring more for my own serenity.
Detachment is a loving gift I continue to give to myself.
I can begin to recognize when I am dealing with addiction’s insanity, and I can detach. I certainly don’t have to respond by doubting myself.
By letting go, I detach and forgive.
The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness.
Detachment is not a wall…it is a bridge across which we may begin a new approach to life.
I set some limits, not to control others, but to offer myself guidelines so that I would know what was and was not acceptable and what to do about it.
Today I can choose to take responsibility for my own life. I have a good chance of finding some serenity
Even in doing nothing about my problems, I am actively practicing the Al-Anon idea.
When I detach my mind from what is troubling me, my problems often solve themselves.
Many failures come from trying to do too much too fast.
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves.”
Thomas Merton No Man Is an Island
A healthy detachment brings about the very change we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.
The most helpful of all reminders is the old slogan Easy Does It.
We feel obligated to apply the force of our will to our problems….no solution can be found this way.
I’ll cultivate a knack for recognizing and enjoying humorous moments.
This could be a really constructive way of detaching my mind from my daily difficulties.
On this day I promise God and myself that I will let go of the problem, which is destroying my peace of mind.
I will pray for detachment.
The more I struggle to work it out, the more difficult it becomes.
I do have a power, a God-given one, and that is power over my own mind, emotions and reactions.
If I exercise that power wisely, my problems will work out…without my interference.
I will not allow myself to be troubled by anyone else.
“All men’s misery is derived from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone.“
Blaise Pascal
Sometimes the greatest growth comes through pain, but it’s not the pain that helps me grow, it’s my response to it.
“Half an hour’s meditation is essential, except when you are very busy. Then a full hour is needed.“
Francis de Sales
I am dealing with a sick person who sometimes exhibits symptoms of a disease. I don’t have to take it personally when these symptoms, such as verbal abuse, appear…nor do I have the right to punish anyone for being sick.
“It takes one a long time to become young.”
Pablo Picasso
Step back from insanity rather than dive into it.
“If you think the sea is blue and I think it’s green, I don’t have to spend all day trying to convince you”
Anonymous
The most important thing I’ve learned in Al-Anon since then is that my well-being cannot depend upon whether or not the alcoholic drinks.
“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.“
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I can look at problems as opportunities to commit more deeply to my choices.
“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.“
Mark Twain
When I make a choice and then stick with it I teach myself that my choices have meaning and that I am worthy of trust.
“The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.”
Albert Schweitzer
I didn’t choose this family disease; neither did the alcoholic. So I tried to behave with compassion for both of us.
“Your proper concern alone is the action of duty, not the fruits of action.”
The Bhagavad-Gita.
We must each find answers that are right for us.
“The highest form of wisdom is kindness.”
The Talmud
One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was that we didn’t have to accept unacceptable behavior.
“We need to learn to focus on something good or useful to our lives and let the rest of the world go about its business”
I don’t have to like reality, only to accept it for what it is. This day is too precious to waste by resenting things I can’t change.
“Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge.”
It’s time to stop waiting for others to take care of me.
“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.”
The only person who can love me the way I want to be loved is me.
“You grow up the day you have the first real laugh—at yourself.”
One of the most helpful aspects of fellowship is the opportunity we have to voice our dilemmas, confident that we won’t be condemned for speaking frankly.
If I feel unable to do something today, I trust that there will be another opportunity if it is something I am meant to do. It doesn’t have to be now or never, all or nothing.
It is hard to stop acting as I have in the past. But with Al-Anon’s support, I can be the one to break the pattern. I can choose to do what I think is right—for me.
It wasn’t a permanent change, just a way to give myself the time I needed for my emotional and spiritual health.
Doubt is an unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking.
Acceptance in Coda
My higher power is a laughing God who reminds me not to take myself too seriously.
God, Good Orderly Direction, is vital to our recovery
My higher power has never let me down.
I have never once regretted my decision to trust.
When I listen to the guidance of my higher power I will no longer be the victim of my circumstances.
The journey toward a higher power has been so gradual for me that I have been unaware of much of it.
I can’t always know my Higher Power’s will.
“Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And when we are right, make us easy to live with.”
First Things First, prayer and meditation come before all else.
I will slow my pace.
“Think rather of the things that are for thy peace”
Thomas à Kempis
Being at peace with myself is my ultimate goal.
“Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,” tells me I must first make peace with myself before I can learn to love others.
When circumstances cause you to be disturbed, return to yourself quickly; do not remain out of tune with the Universal Good.
It is usually anxiety that bars us from seeing the lighter, brighter things of life. The anxiety exists within us.
“When you are offended at anyone’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings.”
Marcus Aurelius
This is the moment to recall a simple phrase, a slogan or a bit of philosophy, and to say it over and over until our minds are filled with it, replacing the thoughts of the tormenting problem.
Meditation is the quiet and sustained application of the mind to the contemplation of a spiritual truth
There is one Step, however, that could be studied from the very outset, every day, for its extraordinary power to throw light on the others. This is the Eleventh, which speaks of prayer and meditation.
I will set aside at least five minutes, morning and night, for spiritual concentration, excluding from my mind all but spiritual ideas.
It has often been suggested that we adopt a favorite maxim or quotation to repeat when we want to tide ourselves over a difficult time.
Prayer will turn my thoughts away from my problems.
Meditation is the spiritual way to turn my thoughts away from whatever is troubling me. It is a lift, a refreshment.
Constant dwelling on disturbing matters never solves anything; trying to follow the convolutions of a problem only makes me lose all sense of proportion about it.
A man is short of wisdom who cannot put aside his ordinary routine in order to refresh his mind with rest, change, and meditation.
A period of meditation, every day, is necessary to spiritual development.
No matter how grim the situation may be that has troubled all my waking thoughts, there are shining nuggets pleasantness all around me to distract my mind from its cares.