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Chastity Office 200

Chastity Slogans...

These slogans might help you stay chaste today. This is an elective, not a requirement. The requirement is no masturbation and faithfulness to your partner. Chastity is purely spiritual extra credit.

"Don't be like the horse or the mule." This is from Psalm 32. It means don't be stupid. If nothing else, chastity keeps you from cheating on your wife.

"No sex except within a marriage". This is from the Sexaholic's White Book. People have very strong beliefs, pro and con about that book, but this slogan might keep you out of trouble, for a day, or even just three hours. Doesn't really matter...you're not going to get married that day, but you might stay sober.

"I surrender my right to be sexual". This is old school SLAA, which says that you have to go through "Withdrawal" to call yourself sober...Their rules.

"A vow of chastity"...just for today. From Gandhi, who had a pretty severe sexual program...but look what he did with his life.

"No sex except to create children".  If you like the All Addictions Anonymous' adherence to the principle of "Absolute Purity"...this is the ultimate.

"I Surrender". Old school AA...just give up and rely on God.

"There are those who choose to live like Eunuchs to know the Kingdom of Heaven" Matt 19:11-12 .This is a pretty Big Promise, but that's what Jesus said...in his very least quoted line. There are many people who don't believe in an afterlife. What we believe is that each of us has a soul, just like it says in Psalm 23. We just believe you can access it, now...if you surrender enough addictions.

"Control of the palate is the first essential in the observation of the vow". This is Gandhi saying that if you allow yourself to feel hungry, that need will supersede your desire to be sexual. Not much of anyone of us on this site is trying to stop having sex forever, including me. But, there are times when being sexually abstinent is useful, sometimes critical, and attention to diet can help sometime increase the probability of success.

"Acceptance is being positive". When I am being chaste it is very easy, unconsciously, to fall into self-pity. "Poor me! I can't have sex!" But, I do have control over my attitude. I can be positive about what I do have...instead of feeling sorry for myself about what I don't have.

"Do not give your strength to women, your vigor to those who ruin kings" and "Keep a path far from her, lest you give your best strength to others" These two expressions were both written by Solomon, who many people consider the wisest man in Jewish, Muslim and Christian history. What does he mean, "Your best strength"? Think about it. Think about when you are attracted to a woman. Think about the incredible presence, flexibility, amiability, generosity and humor you display to a woman...before you have had sex with her. That's what he's talking about. That strength is given to us to attract a mate...but it can be stored up, saved and used for very different and sometimes wondrous purposes.

"When should you have sex with a woman? When you want to lose the strength you have".  Pythagorus, who we unfortunately remember for his Pythagorean Theorem, although much more importantly he invented the musical scale that has been used for the last 2700 years in Western culture, was a profound spiritual thinker, first,  before math or music...He is just hammering home what Solomon said.

"A man dissipates his physical strength through ordinary incontinence" Gandhi and Bill Wilson both believed that misuse of sex weakens the body and thereby makes you susceptible to illness. Think about it: After you masturbate do you feel strong, vibrant, masculine and resilient, like you could take on the world? Don't be like the horse or the mule...

"Life without celibacy appears to me to be insipid and animal like". This is the harshest thing Gandhi ever said. You may find it extreme. On the other hand, why is it he led hundreds of millions to freedom...and you have not? He may know something you don't understand, yet....just sayin'.

"Have mercy on me Lord, a sinner". This just helps to take a load of guilt or shame off and has the wonderful side-band benefit of making you humble.

"Sister may no harm come to you from me". This is an extremely useful prayer, used every time you see a pretty girl and are tempted to do something that your wife would not approve of. It breaks the "bondage of self" because instead of "taking" , through selfish and dishonest objectifying, you are "giving". A remarkably simple and powerful prayer.

"Cling to the Lord and cry out for mercy" This is an old religious adage, but when I am at the bottom of a sexual acting out bottom this is a beauty of a prayer to start my ascent to sanity, reaching for sobriety...

"Celibacy, Service and Laughter" For me, these are my three highest goals. They present the very best part of me to the world when I pray this in my head...and carry it out with my body.

"Chastity is happiness" There is something nice about walking through the world, which is half-populated with women, many who are beautiful and attractive...and being impervious.

"Chastity is contentment" An addict's brain is rife with an attitude of self-pity, but right beneath that is an attitude of mercilessly demanding perfectionism. There is something uniquely satisfying about surrendering all sex for a finite period...which makes the very real human need for contentment within reach.

"Chastity is peace" There's something that relieves all that longing for women who are better looking than you, who you will never have a chance with, who you have masturbated to, time after time, in a revery of fantastical sexually impossible dreams that only leave you feeling "pitifully and incomprehensibly demoralized" afterwards...and that is complete surrender. In that chaste moment...there is sexual peace. Because, finally, knowing your soul...brings peace.

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Seven Bad things that won’t happen to you if you practise Chastity…and one good thing that will:

Chastity is defined as celibacy (no genital contact) plus no intrigue, objectification or fantasy.

When you are chaste:

  1. 1. You do not have “an anxious mind”. Why? 

Because all your pain and problems are one step removed from your immediate, emotional field of activity , because you have a higher, more important, spiritual goal that you can turn to in times of stress, which gives you perspective on your pain and problems. And perspective is how the Big Book defines “sanity”. Without perspective... you are nuts.

     2. You do not have “eyes weary with longing”

When you objectify, there will always be women who are more beautiful than you could possibly hope to match with your looks, too young to be possible for you to reasonably attract, too wealthy for you to be able to interest, too socially connected-up to even notice you.

This creates “ eyes weary with longing “. 

It’s what the 12x12 describes as “sexual desire all dressed up as dreams of romance ”. 

This unresolvable, sexually hungry environment sets you up for masturbation with adolescently impossible fantasies with the pursuant “ pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization”…which always follows.

       3. You do not have “a despairing heart”.

It is heartbreaking to think that you will never make love to, or be loved by, sexual “genetic celebrities” that you see on movies, magazines or walking in your neighborhood.

The truth is that the very best you can attract is exactly where you are.

If you have sexual problems…you will attract a partner with her own constellation of sexual problems. If you are obsessive, you will attract a partner who has problems with her own obsessions.

Actually, you can attract someone who is worse than you, because all of us are “ dating up”,  but you will never attract someone better than you.

That leaves you with only two choices: Work on yourself and “develop your character”…or have a “despairing heart”.

      4. The sights you see will not “drive you mad”.

If you are a male sex addict (and you are straight) you may feel anger towards all females who are above the legal age and who are not ugly, old, fat or crazy.

Why is that?

If your belief is that sex, and particularly sex with love, is the very best thing that life offers you as a man, and you don’t have the social skills to implement the successful beginning of this process, you may start to believe that women are “holding out” on you, that they are in control of the "best part of life", and are denying you access for some inscrutable, indecipherable reason.

That means you’re mad at every woman you see.

It’s possible, in a world of infinite possibilities, that this male rage…is not their fault.

This rage is actually what drives the compulsion to masturbate to porn.

The mere sight of pretty women could thereby simply “drive you mad”....but, that won't happen with chastity.

       5. You are not “in suspense”.

One of the problems with holding and adhering to this preceding set of false beliefs is that the possibility of you finally getting what you erroneously believe you truly  “need” is precarious, dependent on the whims or fancies of women who you have little influence over and certainly no control.

Instead of being calm …You will be jumpy all the time, waiting for some girl to be sexually generous , or not subtle enough to see that you are just trying to hustle her.

      6. You will not “ be filled with dread”.

The feeling state that these beliefs cause is dread. “ Oh, no, another day of fighting the world for what I need! “ “This is unbearable”.  “ Pot, Cigars, Coffee, a couple of French Danishes will get me through this holy hell I am living in”.

Chastity eliminates that dread…without the Danishes.

        7.  You will not be  “unsuccessful in everything  you do”.

That feeling of dread, of being held in suspense, of being driven mad, feeling weary, despairing and anxious is a perfect description, emotionally, of sexual unmanageability and leads only to one thing…failure in life. 

On the other hand, if you surrender all this madness: 

  1. 1. You can “be sure of your life today”. 

There is a wonderful, simple, feeling that AA discovered 87 years ago. Once you find out what God’s will is for you, and do it, life is pretty simple and pleasant.

Chastity Office 202

People ask me how I stay in this marriage:

It’s easy to stay in relationship with my wife…

Whenever she’s wrong…you say you’re sorry.

Lighten up, guys...

Chastity Office 203

I went to an All Addictions Anonymous meeting tonight…3/9/2023

I noticed their numbers were down 50%.

I went to PrayerCall immediately after and noticed our numbers were up 50%.

I believe that is because we have been emphasizing a fairly unique strength, and offering something out of the ordinary…an emphasis on the value of Chastity.

We will always be small because of this…but as Gandhi said “ It is the highest goal, and it is no wonder that the highest effort should be necessary to attain it”.

We are not making monks or priests, here.  Just men who can say “No’ and make it stick…with God’s help.

Chastity Office 204

For three weeks I have been attending  “Anon” fellowships online throughout the day.

Anon fellowships are for “Friends and family members of addicts”.

They have a wonderful tool to disengage when there is conflict between two people …”Detaching with Love”

So…I had stopped sending videos of me and my son having fun, to my wife, each day.

And…I had stopped buying special foods for dinner for the three of us when my wife comes home from work.

It has, in fact, fostered some more independence between my wife and myself, but…

Four days ago my son began acting out with aggressive behaviors in school with his teachers and friends, at home and with his babysitter.

My son is a little lightening rod, a weather vane of the precise emotional temperature in a room (as all children are), and he perceives this detachment as” iciness “…and he is angry.

Like it or not, my son is happiest when he is with me and his mother…at the same time, in the same space.

I am grateful that chastity has given me sensitivity to my son’s moods and given me the strength to act courageously and lovingly.

…Guess it’s back to daily videos and choice dinners.

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Help me continue to fully embrace your will of Chastity, just for today, through humility and obedience…

And then…Be of unselfish service to my son.

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“Repent and Live”

I repented of my sexual “sin “.

But before I could do what I thought was “ Living “, I had to spend 9 months trying keep my wife…so that my son would have his mother.

It was like a two inch diameter, 6 foot iron rod, heated to 500 degrees Fahrenheit, jammed down my throat, and twisted, hard and fast, every day, all day, for 9 months.

Now, our relationship is much more like college roommates, than a marriage…but, it feels reasonably stable and it could not have been done without the clarity of chastity. 

Chastity Office 207

People ask me why I stay in this marriage…Here’s why:

Man: “My wife thinks she's a chicken.”

Dr. “Why don’t you get her some help?”

Man: “We need the eggs”.

Lighten up, boys…

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“The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that.” ...Big Book Page 153 

I am going to give a shout-out to two folks:

First, MJ, beloved and known by us as “The Prior”, has 21 months of stone-cold chastity. 

And little ole me…has 13 months of chastity.

When the Prior and I met 23 years ago we were not doing nearly so well.

So, if we can do it…anyone can do it! 

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“Security based on our own belief in ourselves, in our ability not only to cope and survive, but to celebrate life is the only security that lasts. As hard as it may be for adult children to learn they can trust themselves, it still is the only lasting security.”

I prayed all day today…Gently, positively and acceptingly, as a loving father would to a child:

You are chaste, doing a fabulous job, love Gummy, are deeply prayerful, unselfish and self-nurturant, forgiving, do a lot of breath prayer, grow lots of fresh greens, have Gummy in a good school, are strong, endurant and boundaried, smart, healthy, sexually sober, can run 10 miles in the desert, are thin, emotionally available for Gummy, have a positive, grateful attitude, have found God through service, have found yourself through writing, have found your soul…and you and Gummy have fun!

God wants me to love myself…like there was no one else to do it.

Chastity Office 210

One of my favorite lines:

“Choose celibacy or choose marriage…you will be sure to repent”, LOL

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The 1976 film Rocky I and the 2015 film Creed I both have a deft, subversive and pugilistic underground message “Sex makes your legs weak”.

If that is really true (and I have heard that said by a professional boxing promoter I know) then, while you’re practicing finite Chastity, it might be fun to try some things that require really strong legs, like running, biking or swimming…Just to see if you notice any difference.

I notice it, and if I add a Chastity Slogan, while I am running, then my mind and body are in harmony…and I run even harder.

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Step Four : Made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves” then read, as a Fifth Step, to Matt D. on Sunday March 19, 2023.

Is it possible that everything sexually that I have ever done is wrong?

The Big Book, on page 69, asks me nine questions about sex:

Where have I been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate?

Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?

Whom have I hurt?

Where was I at fault and what should I have done instead?

If I leave out the many, many women I have been sexual with because we both thought it was fun at the time, and look only at the two women I have loved and the five women I have been in love with in my life:








I find the following:


Carol…I was running away from my feelings of being abused by my parents as a child/teenager and burying myself in her arms.

Joanne…I had given up masturbation and affairs, but my motive was to have sober sex.

Tara…I loved her deeply, but I was totally relationship addicted.

Allison…I married her, we bought a house together, but my motive was to be married in sexual sobriety.

Diane…I loved her, but I also encouraged her to do everything sexual that was possible for a couple to do.

Alona…Every thing was perfect, even my primary motive, which was to have more children. That is as unselfish as I was able to be seven years ago.


Candy…I was saying that genital contact, without traditional, oral or manual orgasmic sex, was not sex (We were 15 and too afraid to go “ All the way”).


I hurt all of these women, when I left them. I also hurt all of them, again, by going back and forth after breaking up.

Jealousy, Suspicion or Bitterness:

Diane jealousy, Tara suspicion, Alona bitterness 


No, I was a “nice guy”  codependent the whole time I was doing the wrong thing.

Where was I at fault?

In every instance I was at fault. If the purpose of sex, for me, really is to create children, then I was wrong in every instance.

Could everything I have done sexually be wrong? …except for when I conceived my daughter and my son?

Yes, that’s  possible.

If that is true, then I have completely started over with a new “Sexual Ideal” 16 1/2 months ago.

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I have to be honest about something that doesn’t make me look politically correct.

…I don’t feel comfortable having sex with overweight girls.

That makes Chastity 75% easier…because three out of four girls, in my country, are overweight.

PrayerCall is keeping me chaste…so is Pizza Hut!

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Surrendering sexual behaviors that cause “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” are the actions that define sexual sobriety.

But…to “Develop my character”, I must surrender objectification, fantasy and intrigue.

These three things define my “Sexual Character. 

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After I get sober from sex addiction (The hardware) I need to deal with my thinking (The software).

We have Offices specifically designed for that (The Codependency Readings and the Adult Children of Alcoholic Readings).

They say that “Once you take away the porn from a sex addict…what you have left is a codependent.”

Extreme caring for others is codependence.

Extreme self-care is narcissism .

Internal emotional/spiritual balance is between the extreme of narcissism and the extreme of codependence.

These issues are not apparent to me when I am using porn, masturbating, cheating on my partner, intriguing, fantasizing or objectifying.

So, if I get the opportunity to work on the balance between the extremes of codependence and narcissism…I am clearly growing in sex addiction recovery.

Chastity Office 216

I have been experimenting the last month with a technique that I learned from Gandhi’s work:  A Vow of Chastity.

It works really well…

It feels like a protective shield, which makes me feel safe.

Chastity Office  217

If I wander into my middle circle of “Intrigue, fantasy or objectification“ I open up an aperture that tears into the shield of my recovery…and the obsession returns.

As a sex addict I then become, as the AA 12x12 says, a  “Victim of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it”.

If that happens, it will get worse, to the point where, finally,  “I stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.”

Thank God…

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“It was the best of times. It was the worst of times”.
Charles Dickens

With a new sexual bottom line in place the last 16 1/2 months I am the best I have ever been spiritually.

But, I am also in a fairly challenging marriage, so I need to remember that that leaves me in a rather vulnerable position.

I must never get complacent about my sexual sobriety…one day, three hours at a time.

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Sexual sobriety is not enough…for me.

I need to let go of other things that I find harmful…and that’s quite a list.

Actually, I don’t feel sober if I use nicotine or caffeine. Everyone is different, but all I need to remember is that “I am bodily and mentally different from my fellows” and be rigorously honest with myself.

Also, on a day-in-day-out basis, I need to watch my food and my exercise.

Healthy food and regular moderate exercise makes me feel robust and strong, which is how I envision and experience genuine sobriety.

Otherwise, for me…I am “Stark raving sober”…and that don’t sound too good.

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It is said in 12 step “I am a resentment addict”.

Once I stop using porn, masturbating, cheating on my partner and stop fantasizing, objectifying and intriguing…a massive wave of resentment comes up within me.

That’s where a “Fearless and searching moral inventory” of my resentments becomes useful.

It may appear, in my self-pity, that this is not fair…I mean, I’ve given up the above six sexual behaviors…and now I am left with a snake pit of resentment?

But, this is my opportunity to “Develop my character”.


By choosing to be grateful that I am now able to clearly see my resentments, through the Fourth Step.

I am grateful for my handful of resentments…because when I see them, I am on the path that will lead me to freedom.

It’s all about attitude…

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The Big Book refers to fear as an “Evil and corroding thread”.

For me, fear is a feeling, but to act on fear is cowardice…and that is corroding.

I need to Act with Courage…and I have today.

But, I only get that opportunity to Act with Courage and face my fears, if I am sexually sober…and that includes objectification, fantasy and intrigue.

Chastity Office 222

Fantasy is imagining being sexual with someone or replaying previous sexual memories…and both assault my character. 

My mind become weak, porous and vulnerable to other negative thinking.

When I allow that, other addictions start to leak in, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

Where do I draw a line in the sand and say “No more!”.

When I do see my self-destruction I can use prayer to “Change my mind”.

Most often prayer is thought of as supplication: “Please God, give me this or that”.

Sometimes prayer is used to be grateful, thankful or to acknowledge God.

12 Step teaches “Prayer does not change God…it changes me”.

If I am doing something addictive, like fantasizing, I can simply pray the first three steps, as a prayer, and it will change me.

Then, I can get back, and with an attitude shift, I can enjoy the life God has given me.

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“We were reborn”
Big Book p63

What if you could start your life all over again…knowing what you know now?

AA says you can. It promises that to alcoholics who stop drinking.

Don’t you think that is true of us as well?

Perhaps, even more so.

AA teaches that the three things that cause us to drink are resentments, fears and selfish sex.

But, the truth is that, in actual practice, AA is noticeably silent on the specifics of sex.

If you don’t think that is true, go into any AA meeting in the world, and start “getting honest” about your masturbation.

And yet, God promises alcoholics a life that is “reborn”.

How much more true for those of us willing to let go of all sex “for a finite period”?

It’s a nice feeling to be reborn at 68.

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Intrigue is middle circle. It is a “Yellow light” that cautions me that I am headed for a “Red Light”.

I am clear that sexualizing conversations with a woman (I am a straight male) is middle circle.

But, just having proximity to certain people can be dicey.

If I am feeling “sexual energy” around someone I need to question my motive.

Do I have a legitimate reason for contact, or am I getting a “Hit”?

I love what the Sexaholics say “If you don’t know whether or not what you are doing sexually is okay…ask your wife”.

Chastity Office 225

I asked my wife nearly a year ago if we could start over in our relationship and she said “No”.

But, we have nonetheless started relating to each other in a completely new way: Perfectly chastely, deeply boundaried and focused exclusively on raising our son.

Gandhi is right “Suffice it to say that with the gradual disappearance in me of the carnal appetite, my domestic life became and is becoming more and more peaceful, sweet, and happy.”

Who knew?

Chastity Office 226

It’s funny what God does.

If I let go of people that are not good for me, I always feel afraid of being alone.

But, the truth is that God fills that empty space with someone better for me.

I let go of someone recently and today, at 6:30 in the morning, God sent me an old friend who strives for “Absolute Purity” in his life, in all areas.

It’s funny what God does.

Chastity Office 227  

The two most unselfish men I have ever known were monks.

It took me 10 years to figure out why:

Was it their five public prayers per day?

Was it the pastoral setting they lived in away from “The world”?

Was it their religion?

Nope…it was their Chastity.

I know a guy like that right now. 

He’s not living in a monastery, but he has been chaste for seven years.

It ain’t the prayers, the bucolic setting or religion…It’s plain, simple Chastity.

Gandhi says that “It is the highest spiritual goal and so it is not surprising that it requires the greatest spiritual effort”.

Chastity Office 228

I have been experimenting the last six weeks with an old Gandhi trick…a Vow of Chastity.

It is brutally simple and incredibly hard to do.

But, I just went in my son’s room and saw his sweet sleeping face and said to him “I will not betray you…you can trust me”.


Chastity Office 229

There are a couple of new words in our language…Fattism and Fatphobia

The new Bible, the internet, says it means “hatred of fat people”.

12 Step says to:

Stay on your side of the street

Mind your own business

Keep the focus on yourself

Stay in your own hula hoop (my personal favorite)

Again, the all knowing Internet says, “obesity causes poor self-esteem”.

I don’t need anymore poor self-esteem, and I don’t want to hate anyone.

But, if my own poor self-esteem effects other things, like my ability to be chaste that’s something I need to consider.

The opposite of phobia is:





Help me be Courageous today…and stay in my own hula hoop.


Chastity Office 230

Very early in sex addiction recovery I was in a three hour conference with 90 sex addicts who spoke for two minutes apiece, each telling their story.

Everyone spoke of their childhood and everyone of them spoke of childhood abuse.

This was not like AA at all, as I had known it for eight years…this was a very different animal.

That gave me a self-compassion that I had not known, or needed, until then.

Today a woman from rural West Virginia called me and we spoke for an hour, in great detail, about her childhood sexual abuse.

I was very useful to her.

Chastity keeps my boundaries flawless so that I can be of maximum service to others.

Go well in this world, my sister.

Chastity Office 231

How do I HALT? I remember:

Easy does it

Take it easy…Everything will work out

Just breathe, surrender your thoughts and relax

Or, as Frank Zappa used to say, “Shut up and play your guitar”…

Chastity Office 232

Been going to a lot of Al-anon and O-anon the last 5 weeks and I have given my number out, selectively, when asked.

Occasionally, people follow up, through text or email asking for help.

Got one this morning…but it was an online pornographer.

If those people only knew how loudly they were barking up the wrong tree…

Chastity Office 233

I need some more humility.

In 12 Step humility is defined as “teachability”.

Gandhi practiced Chastity, within his marriage, for 40 years: he had no sponsor, meetings, or Steps. He simply was very careful with his food.

Gandhi was very spiritually gifted. Me? Not so much.

I will learn from his example.

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“Service is everything…All else is rubbish”

I went to the hallowed halls of Hendrix tonight, The Fillmore West, but, it meant nothing to me.

I worked with a woman on her childhood sexual abuse issues for more than an hour…and it meant a great deal to me.

“Service is everything…all else is rubbish”.

Chastity Office 235


We all think you’re up there in the sky, watching everything we do, hoping you are feeling merciful.

We all think you have given us life and, on a good day, we try to be grateful.

I just want to say that I am grateful for your idea of the Sabbath where I don’t have to work hard for my money, or pay bills, just for today.

If you could just give me a nudge, from time to time, to lighten up and not “take myself too damned seriously” I sho’ would appreciate it.


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God can rope you into His will…if you let Him.

I have a perfect set up for Chastity:

  1. My wife hates me
  2. My son needs a mother
  3. I am too damned stubborn to act out

Do what you must God…to get me to bend to Your will.

Chastity Office 237

Being thin is important to me for a number of reasons:

If helps heart healthiness, which is how most people die…so, that sorta counts.

It helps my self-esteem when I look in the mirror each morning and don’t see a “lump”.

Food self-restraint is a gate which protects my Chastity.

Chastity Office 238

I sat in an AA meeting last night next to a pretty woman I have known for many years and have never spoken to.

Instead of objectifying, I felt sad for her.

She never made it to our fellowship and is inert, emotionally.

Have mercy, Lord…

“There but by the Grace of God go I”.

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Social Resiliency is the greatest gift of Chastity.

It gives me good boundaries.

When I am in the presence of depression I remember that’s about another person’s inability to deal with resentments…nothing to do with me.

Chastity Office 240

I love Ezekiel. He said “Repent and Live”.

What does that mean to me?

To let go of my sexual “sin“…and relax and have fun, just for today.

Chastity Office 241

I skydived in Hawaii once.

The clouds were moving very quickly, but the ocean was stable.

That’s what feelings are like, clouds.

But, my soul is stable.

Chastity helps me see my soul.

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We used to sing a piece of liturgical doggerel when I was a kid:

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Praise Him all creatures here below.

Praise Him above ye Heavenly Host.

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

I think that’s just a verbose way of saying…”Be Grateful”.

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When I am in withdrawal I remember will feel:

  1. Washed out
  2. Like I’m gonna die
  3. Like the world is gonna end

And while I am feeling that way… try to be grateful that I am getting more sober.

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Had a tough day yesterday…

Spent the whole night in live and online AA meetings, as they are ubiquitous.

But the moment the readings started at the 6:00am it was like a bullet to the head and the disease was knocked out of me.

Thanks guys. Really thanks.

Steve D.

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Okay, Lord, I give up my past beliefs.

They are “old ideas” that used to work.

I have a new belief and I need "the power to carry it out”.

Fortunately, I can take bite sized pieces, and I can probably do this three hours at a time.

Please, give me the strength, I still have the courage.

Together, we can do this.


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Old School Gratitude List:

AA sobriety

Sex addiction sobriety

Food abstinence

My son

My health


My apartment

My wife

San Francisco







Phone calls



My sponsors

Humane income

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Okay…my life is perfect with my wife, to execute God’s will, just for today, one day at a time, three hours at a time.

My wife is perfect for me…

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When I was younger I wanted to play as well as Hendrix, write as well as Beethoven and sing as well as Robert Plant.

Didn’t happen…

Much later I was influenced by Gandhi’s writings, particularly his vow of Chastity, especially, within his marriage.

I have been chaste within my marriage for 13 1/2 months, but six weeks ago I began to experiment with a vow of chastity.

But, as with my early musical heroes, I don’t have Gandhi’s chops…

For me, I need to be chaste one day at a time…three hours at a time.

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It used to be that high heels and red nail polish interested me.

Now Contentment, Peace of Mind and Humility are more interesting to me.

Maybe I’m getting old, LOL…or just more sober.

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I have no desire to control my wife.

I have a desire to see where she is strong and loving:

She wakes my three year old every morning, dresses, feeds him and gets him to school on time.

She makes purchases, through Costco and Amazon for our household: PaperTowels , Toilet paper, Wet Wipes, Toddler formula and fruits for our son and we split the costs monthly.

She gets my son to bed on time and cuddles him nightly.

I pay the rent and she, at her request, washes the clothes and cleans the kitchen and bathroom.

I pick up my son from Pre-K,  and care for my son five days a week and she takes responsibility for him two days a week.

I am grateful for her service to our family, and in particular to our son.

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“I’m going to inject your soul with some sweet rock ‘n’ roll, and shoot you full of rhythm and blues”.
James Taylor

That’s how the 3 PM call felt to me today…

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Thank you for giving another day of life.

I surrender all sex, love, romance and relationship to You, today, three hours at a time.

I am willing to be of service to others: taking phone calls, giving my wife a neck massage (at her request) during her menstrual cycle, bring salmon for us to eat, tickling my son’s cheeks.

And balance that with self-care: Going to meetings, prayer, watching my food, and writing literature.

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Someone asked me “What are you going to do now that you have recovered and don’t need all that 12 step stuff anymore?

I told them “Live one day, three hours at a time.”

The person didn’t seem satisfied so I added: Have fun raising my son, write books, work out, teach, play music, serve others, pray and be grateful for what I have.

Some people don’t see 12 step as “real life”.

For me, it gives me life…

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Today, April 3, 2023 is 17 months of experimenting with a bottom line of no sex except to create children.

And you know, I haven’t created yet another “Hell hath no fury like a woman spurned” situation, by leaving, yet another woman.

I haven’t felt frustrated because my wife didn’t want to have sex with me, when I wanted to.

I haven’t had to soft-pedal any of that sweet talking junk I learned, early in my life, to persuade a woman to have sex with me... 

Haven’t felt obsessed with anyone…

Boy, that’s pleasant!

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Honestly, as tough as Chastity is, it ain’t enough…if I am still doing ancillary self-destructive behaviors.

Cause with Chastity I feel more…so doing bad stuff makes me feel even worser!

They all gotta go…one behavior, one day at a time.

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Why, you might ask all the emphasis on Chastity, since a lifetime of Chastity is clearly not our goal?

Because, even the most liberal of the Sex Addiction 12 Step Groups, Sex and love Addicts Anonymous states, “You need to go through withdrawal in order to become a whole person.”

We believe that a healthy man can do without any genital contact, with himself or others, for a minimum of 60 days.

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I saw an attractive woman in an AA meeting last night.

I thought to myself: What would it cost me to pursue her?

  1. I would lose 32 years and 9 months of sexual sobriety
  2. I would lose 14 months of Chastity
  3. I would lose 17 months of the new bottom line of “No sex except to create children”
  4. I would lose 7 weeks of experimenting with a Vow of Chastity
  5. I would lose my marriage
  6. I would lose my custody of my son

No…I am pretty much locked into this sexual sobriety/Chastity thing…three hours at a time.

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Turned 35 years old in AA sobriety today.

It’s funny, I felt entitled to celebrate.

When asked what I wanted to help celebrate the occasion , I said “Sex”.

I guess I’ll always be a sex addict…LOL

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Help me let people go in my life.

God, I know that my picture is on your refrigerator door…but, so is theirs.

Help me to walk away kindly, but clearly.


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Bill Wilson read a book called by William James called The Varieties of Religious Experience.

It is a stodgy, dry, brilliant and widely encompassing book done in a tedious late 19th century European style.

But it gave him the most revolutionary line in all  of 12 step, ” Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?”

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Even if you are not masturbating, using porn or cheating on your wife.

Even if you are perfectly celibate.

Even if objectification, fantasy and intrigue are pretty much at absolute zero in your life…

There is still sexual desire…

The AA 12x12 says:

“It is nowhere evident, at least in this life, that our Creator expects us fully to eliminate our instinctual drives.  So far as we know, it is nowhere on the record that God has completely removed from any human being all his natural drives.”

So that natural drive is going to stay…

How do we keep it from turning from desire to obsession?

Gandhi has some thoughts:

“I found that complete control of the palate made the observance of the vow of chastity very easy.”

“Fasting is as necessary as selection and restriction in diet.”

SLAA has a positive suggestion:
“Some of us took up jogging, or other exercises that required greater physical effort. These helped to provide a physical sensation of tiredness which could fill the void left by the absence of sexual release, or even replace it.”

So, complete control of my food and greater physical exercise.

Yeah, I can do that …

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I believe it is your will for me to be chaste today.

According to the Big Book: “Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.”

So, the best way for me to be “reasonably comfortable” practicing Chastity, is to help other men who are interested in practicing finite chastity.

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All Addictions Anonymous has a document they read every meeting called The Ten Points:

1. Completely giving ourselves to this simple Program;

2. Practicing rigorous honesty;

3. Being willing to go to any lengths to recover;

4. Realizing that there is no easier, softer way;

5. Being fearless and thorough in our practice of the principles;

6. Letting go of our old ideas absolutely;

7. Recognizing that half measures will not work;

8. Asking God’s protection and care with complete abandon;

9. Being willing to grow along spiritual lines;

10. Accepting the following pertinent ideas as proved by All Addicts Anonymous experience:

(a) that you cannot manage your own life;

(b) that probably no human power can restore you to sanity;

(c) that God can and will if sought.

I believe all of that, and have practiced it, as rigorously as I could, for 35 years.

I had to walk away from a relationship today, and suddenly a line opened to me, from the Big Book:
“Father will necessarily spend much time with other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced.”…So I went out an ran five miles.

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Saw Morgan Freeman’s new movie about an old alcoholic and a young oxycontin addict.

The movie centers around the concept of “Amor Fati”, which is a choice “To Love One’s Fate”.

It is apparently God’s Plan for me to spend my life chastely and help other men find their way through at least one 60 day period of Chastity (as we believe that all healthy men can go for 60 days without sex, of any description.)

Amor Fati…

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Today April 8, 2023 is 14 months of Chastity, for me.

I was pretty eager to get the first year.

Now, honestly, upon occasion, I weary of it.

But, I am not tired of the benefits…like being ultra-present for my son.

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I’ve been attending O-Anon for the last three months.

It’s for friends and family members of people with disordered eating, like Al-Anon except for food.

Today, I heard a frustrated husband shout out “I don’t have sex with fat people”.

Everyone was shocked, but you could tell from the men in the rooms faces that they all got what he was feeling.

I had two thoughts when I heard that:

This guy doesn’t understand that this is a disease we are dealing with.

…and more aptly, “This guy’s never getting laid again”.

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For 35 years I have worked on my food to feel good and to look good.

I want to take Gandhi’s following admonitions a little bit more seriously:

“I found that complete control of the palate made the observance of the Chastity vow very easy.”

“Fasting is as necessary as selection and restriction in diet.”

“The extinction of the sexual passion is as a rule impossible without fasting.”

I have briefly flirted with these ideas, but I want to take another stab at them as guides for the quantities and quality of my food choices.

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If I truly believe in no sex except to create children”.… Then, I feel sad when I think that, because that would mean I’m never going to have sex again in my life.

But, that is future tripping.

On the other hand, when I think of how wonderful life is chaste, as I watch my son play outside in the YMCA Y-Kid’s… I couldn’t be happier.

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Patrick Carnes, the founder of Sex Addiction Recovery, said “ The sexual sobriety definition is a well worn document”, meaning  that , over the years, needs change.

Here are my current Three Circles:

Inner Circle: No sex except to create children; A Vow of Chastity…one day, three hours at a time

Middle Circle: Eschew six hurtful things: Coffee, Cigars, Tamsulosin, Nicorette, Tea, Chocolate Mousse

Outer Circle: Exercise a lot, constantly work on Food, and do lots of Breath Prayer 

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On my 35th AA birthday, last Tuesday, my wife offered me a hug, the first in 14 months.

She gave me another hug last night.

It is interesting to me that, both times, we wanted our son to see us.

It is important to both of us to model “getting along  together“ to our son. 

That is unselfish…and I am sure God approves. 

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My Chastity outer circle:

Work out a lot…worked out every day for 2 1/2 weeks…makes Chastity manageable, according to SLAA.

Work hard on the food…three freshly cut, 8 oz, green drinks every day…makes Chastity easier, according to Gandhi

Breath prayer…Pray without ceasing

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In the last 432 days of Chastity I have not had to add any new names to my 8th step list of names of people I have hurt.

In the last 432 days of Chastity I have not had to add any new “spurned women”  to the list of women who I have left. That’s a “Hell” I can do without…

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For 20 years I didn’t talk in AA because it was unsafe to talk about what was really going on with me, which was sex addiction recovery.

Now though, with Chastity, they seem a lot more appealing, spiritually.

AA is black is and white…No drinking, ever.

Chastity is that way, too.

Thank you God for letting me feel comfortable in AA again. It is a blessing.

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When Hendrix died in 1970 John McLaughlin took over the mantle of the greatest living electric guitar player.

McLaughlin had a “guru” named Sri Chinmoy

to whom he gave a lot of credit.

Chinmoy was chaste and worked out extremely hard…

Chastity did not interest me when I was 17, but now that it does, I see the impeccable wisdom Chinmoy employed in his workout regime.

It took 51 years to see it…Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. 

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My athletic hero is the 86 year old African American woman bodybuilder Ernestine Shepherd.

Her hero is Rocky.

Been watching all the Rocky and Creed movies recently.

I’ll do anything to make this Chastity business more comfortable…for as long as God wants me to do it, one day, three hours at a time.

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“We stand ready to do anything that will lift the merciless obsession from us.”
P.24 AA 12x12

What if you are not masturbating, objectifying, intriguing or fantasizing…but, the obsession is still on you?

Gandhi says to eat less.

Been trying that the last week and it really does help.

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I heard something I’ve never heard in AA tonight:

“I need my Higher Power to be as “ Cunning, baffling and powerful” as my disease.”

That’s right…I usually think of God as positive, gentle, accepting, even humorous, strong,  honest, compassionate, forgiving and patient.

But, I need a God that can get down and do battle in the trenches, when hand-to-hand combat is needed. 

 “Cunning, baffling and powerful” …yeah, that’ll work.

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Kurt Vonnegut in Breakfast of Champions says  that we do bad things because sometimes we have  “bad chemicals in our head”.

Give me good chemicals today…and I will do my part with food and exercise to help out.


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Step Three in Chastity:

Sometimes, I feel attracted to women other than my wife. I turn these feelings over to God.

Sometimes, I want to eat food in quantities that are self-harmful. I surrender these desires to my Higher Power.

Before I make a decision about business, as a Third Step, I run my ideas upstairs in prayer.

If unbidden resentments come up I give these to God, too. Who wants to be carrying around that heartbreak and hurt all day? 

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Bought my son and I a big steak today, his favorite food.

It was so big that afterward I thought “I wouldn’t feel comfortable having sex with anyone looking this way”.

My chances of having sex with anyone right now is zero…more likely negative numbers, but, I remember thinking “Well, I want to be ready”…

What a sex addict 😂

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I spent some time with two very gifted men in Chastity, one with nearly years, one with seven.

We talked about how religion is not what we do (we are 12 steppers) but that 90 years ago 12 step borrowed very heavily from the dominant religion of the day.

I do not put my religion in front of my recovery, as AA teaches us , but I am humbly grateful for religion’s contribution to the work we are currently doing with Chastity…so here is a love letter to religion:

Do I believe in Jesus?

Probably, a more accurate question is “ Do I believe there is a Jesus?”



Abraham Lincoln, a right smart guy, used to say “ You can fool some of the people all of the time. You can fool all of the people some of the time. But, you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

There have been 40 billion people who have lived in the last 2000 years, and just with regular sort of reasoning, it’s hard to imagine Jesus pulling the wool over 40 billion pairs of eyes for 2000 years.

A trickier question is “Do I believe in the Resurrection?”

Yes, I do.

My thinking is, if you have time named after you, you musta done something kinda special. I mean, time isn’t named after me, or you…is it?

Lots of smart people in the world: Lao Tze, Socrates, Confucius, Saint Augustine, Muhammad ,Solomon, Einstein, Gandhi…but, none of them have time named after them.

So, if the Resurrection is true then, it doesn’t really make sense that Jesus would die 50 years later, or 100 or even 1000 years later,

and it would just make common sense that he was alive today…although he probably could use some highlights in his beard at this point.

So, I believe there is a Jesus, that he rose from the dead and is alive at this moment.

That’s really good news. I mean, I don’t know about you but I could really use a connection with a guy like that.

But, There’s the rub…the verb “to use”.

Jesus is smart enough not to let you use him.

Right before he died he said “I gotta go” so “I can send you the Comforter who will teach you in all Truth”.

That Comforter is “God in Community”, some folks call it the Higher Power, others, the Holy Spirit.

If you love Jesus, but can’t stop masturbating, consider the possibility that you are simply not understanding what Jesus said. 

He said to learn all truth from the Comforter…That’s a recondite way of saying… “ Go to a meeting”.

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The man with two years of Chastity asked me to clarify something he and I had experienced as sponsors in sex addiction recovery:

I was told in AA “Anything you put in front of your sobriety you lose…eventually.”

That’s also true of sexual addiction recovery.

I did not put my religion in front of my recovery…so, I didn’t lose my religion of choice, and I’m glad about that.

But, I saw men struggling, mightily, and failing, painfully, who put their religion in front of their recovery.

The 12th Step says, precisely “We practice these principles in all our affairs:

1  Honesty

2  Hope

3  Faith 

As we sponsored men over the years it became clear that the principle of Faith had been put in front of the principle of Honesty…

The solution to that was simple…keep a day count and announce it at meetings.

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The AA Promises interpreted for Chastity:

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through.”

What is this phase?


No ancillary addictions 

Watching our food and exercising 

“We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness:”

Freedom from feeling shame around masturbating,

Freedom from the guilt of cheating on our wives,

Freedom from the knawing lust of fantasy, objectification and intrigue…

“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”

I forgive myself divorces, custody cases, lost girlfriends, heartbroken breakups.

“We will comprehend the word Serenity and we will know peace.”

Serenity is being okay whether I get what I want or not.

Peace comes from knowing my soul.

I can only experience my soul if all my addictions are stopped.

“No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.”

My failures are what newcomers can identify with and when I connect with another person, honestly and openly…God shows up.

“That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.”

Service makes me useful and happy.

Gratitude replaces self-pity.

“We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.”

As I surrender my lust, serving others becomes more and more interesting…and satisfying.

“Self-seeking will slip away.”

No more hustling for money from men or sex from women.

“Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.”

Gratitude becomes my primary attitude and acceptance replaces merciless self-demandingness.

“Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.”

I used to feel so scared I was silent, practically  paranoid…Now I can talk the leg off a dog. 

Also…I feel I have enough.

“We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.”

“Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision”…and God guides me through each and every day

“We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

My life gets better in ways I could not imagine, even when things go terribly wrong.

“Are these unrealistic promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will materialize if we work for them.”  

All I have to do …is my part, like a single musician in a major symphony.

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Thank you for helping me stop drinking first.

Without your power I could not have done it. 

Thank you for helping me to stop masturbating and cheating on my wife.

I could not stop, no matter how hard I tried, but you tipped the scales, over to recovery.

Thank you for helping me be chaste the last 14 1/2 months. 

I simply could not have done it without Your help.

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“Without a vision my people perish”.
Proverbs 29:18

Here is the very unpalatable truth…I have been given a vision.

I have been teaching it to others.

I cannot abandon it. I must learn to live with it.

It will require everything I have learned thus far…

I must master this, so that I can reward myself with the next level of joy…my music

For four weeks I have worked out every single day and Chastity now feels more physically manageable.

I will now reward myself with new music…radical new music.

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Been spending my late evenings at an AA clubhouse the last couple of months.

Occasionally, I will show one of them a reading on the Act With Courage website.

You should see their faces when they read the home page about “Finite Chastity”.

…you would think they had seen a scene from a horror movie, LOL

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There is a great deal of unmanageability that disappears during Chastity…like all the craziness on dating websites:

Does she like me?

When will she respond to my text?

I wonder is she is telling me the truth in her profile?

Are those current pictures?

Her favorite pastime is Baseball…really?

I wonder if she will stick to her guns about sex only within a marriage? (God…I hope not)

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Every human being has a need for creativity.

It comes after the need for love and belonging, esteem of others, spirituality, and the need for contentment, and is only surpassed by the need for peace of mind.

But the need for safety precedes any of these needs.

For the last 2 1/2 months I have worked on safety for my family.

Now, I can afford the luxury of music…

Thank you God for helping me put first things first.

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The only way for me to have sex now would be to divorce my wife.

My son loves his mother.

What kind of man would I be to separate my son from his mother?

No…I am just going to keep getting in the groove on this chastity thing.

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I feel contentment…

This is a very real need.

I feel content being a person who carry’s the message of the healing qualities of chastity to other men.

It is humble…but, it is enough.

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On Saturday, March 29, 2023 at 6:15 PM

the first meeting of F-Anon took place between Steve D. and Pamela ? with 35 years and 34 years of food recovery, respectively.

It was proffered forth that there are many people who have husbands, wives, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers or close friends who are food addicts.

It was proposed that we meet to discuss our feelings, attitudes, beliefs, and appropriate actions to take when faced with these situations.

Steve D.

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There are some strong spiritual drivers to this Chastity period:

Unselfishness around my son

Unwillingness to act out and lose sobriety

Loving the strength and clarity of Chastity

Being able to serve men in a special way by helping them do their own first Chastity periods

Knowing I will never be chaste this long again and not wanting to peak

Chastity makes every other type of recovery look easy

It’s nice to experience what some of my hero’s experienced: Saint Augustine, Joan of Arc and Gandhi…I don’t have that kind of spiritual talent, but I get to share a tool with them…Chastity

And…honestly, no one is interested in me and honestly…I’m not interested in anyone else.

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I went to a plant-based Food Addicts Anonymous meeting today.

They are pretty self-restrained around meat and dairy and are very strict around their quantities of food, flour and sugar.

I feel that way about alcohol, but I also feel that way about sex.

Masturbation is extremely self-harmful and so are affairs.

I also find objectification, fantasy and intrigue harmful to my self-esteem and peace of mind.

With Chastity it is real dumb-simple, kind of like the Nike slogan…”Just do it”.

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I have always had a backup plan:

If PrayerCall folds, go back to All Addictions Anonymous.

If All Addictions Anonymous folds…go back to AA.

For three months I have gone back to “face to face meetings” in AA at 10:00pm seven days a week.

My experience is that:

Some people love me, are friends, and feel in no way threatened.

Some people are envious of my many recoveries, and some are really angered, specifically, at my sexual addiction recovery.

Some people are respectful and admiring.

Some are envious of my food addiction recovery.

And some people I can genuinely help with their beginning AA sobriety.

I am grateful for AA’s ubiquity and longevity…but, if it is your will, Lord, please keep PrayerCall going…as there is nowhere else to talk about Chastity, freely and openly.


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Today, May 3, 2023 is The Prior’s 23 month Chaste Birthday 

It is my 18 month birthday of my new bottom line of “No sex except to create children”.

And it is Nick L.’s first 60 days of Chastity birthday!

PS: Chris has 67 days and Kevin has 18 of Chastity, respectively.

Celebrate, celebrate…dance to the music!

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Is “No sex except to create children” even a thing?

In early 1963, before the Kennedy assassination, before Vietnam, before Muhammad Ali and before the Beatles, in a middle-class military suburb in Fort Knox Kentucky, where they stored all the gold, there was a conversation amongst the junior officers: the captains, lieutenants and majors.

Tolerance amongst the various protestant Protestant groups was limited and the Catholics were being discussed.

They said that the Catholics believed in “No sex except to create children”.

There was a snide, cynical disbelief that the Catholics really practiced that, but there was also a silent, deeper, fear that the Catholics might actually be succeeding…which made the Protestants rather feel shallow about themselves, spiritually… And they intensely didn’t like that.

I was 8 years old and heard that conversation.

I never thought about it again until I was 25 and married a Catholic girl whose father worked for the Diocese and explained to me that the Church had changed the rules and now sex, to keep the marriage together, was just fine.

I was a practicing alcoholic at the time, thought the talk was interesting, but I didn’t really care.

When I got sexually sober June 26, 1990. I had to do 60 days of Chastity or my SLAA home group wouldn’t allow me to speak…or to call myself sober.

I researched sex and found there was a group called the Shakers in 18th century New York who believed in no sex…ever. But they became  extinct, so that seemed kind of stupid.

I was trying to figure out how to practice the sexual unselfishness that the Big Book talks about in pages 68-70.

Clearly cheating on my wife was selfish.

Masturbating, it was obvious to me, even at 16 years old, was selfish.

So no masturbating or cheating.

But, after 7 years of the above sobriety I ran across Gandhi and he had decided that using his wife as an object of lust…was selfish.

I knew that was true…but I clung to my right to have sex with wife.

After 20 periods of Chastity of 60 days, or more, in the last 35 years, I am right back in that neighborhood, when I was 8 years old, hearing the Army Officers talking about “no sex except to create children”.

It’s only been 18 months, but, yes it’s a thing….My thing.

Steve D.

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Topic for discussion “Relationships in F-Anon”

Hope versus accepting:

In Al-anon, the Third Tradition states that there has to be a “problem in a friend or a family member”…or you can’t get in the front door.

The person that makes that determination is not the alcoholic, but the Al-anon.

That’s tricky stuff because most Al-anons feel pretty hurt and angry…not the best place to be when having to quietly, objectively decide whether or not you have a seat in that particular program…but, it must be done.

Acceptance that I love a Food Addict is part and parcel of “Awareness, Acceptance, Action”.

So, accepting is God’s will.

But, Hope is the second principle that we “practice in all our affairs” and is something God wants us to do, too.

Can those conflict?

With a Food addict entering into a relationship based on “If you will change…I will be with you“ is not accepting. That is controlling.

So how can we hope, yet accept?

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I am grateful for the simplicity of Chastity

All my relationships are about service…nothing more.

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What can I do to make Chastity more comfortable? 

Exercise very hard, Super clean food, Play the guitar 

On top of the normal 12 step stuff: meetings, sponsorship, Step work, reading literature, prayer and meditation.

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I talked to a man for 45 minutes today.

He had been chaste and felt reasonably free.

He stopped being chaste and felt fairly challenged.

In May of 1990 after doing my first celibacy period (7 1/2 months) and starting a very active committed monogamous relationship for 4 months, I suddenly realized that sexual sobriety and chastity were not the exact same states of being.

One required more sacrifice…but, gave more gifts.

I felt so cheated, so let down, almost betrayed. 

Why didn’t anyone tell me that?

Back then, no one really knew…Now we do.

Active, healthy sexuality is lovely. It is “God given” according to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

But, luckily for me, my S-Anon sponsor also told me, “Chastity is a special state of Grace”.

Ya pay ya nickel…and ya take ya choice

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The Dalai Lama teaches only one spiritual Truth…Kindness

Here are a couple of his quotes:

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.”

“This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart are the temple. My philosophy is simple kindness.”

In the past year therapy didn’t work, 12 step didn’t work, religion didn’t work…in improving my relationship with my wife.

Only kindness worked…

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I get my peace of mind from “No Sex Except To Create Children”.

It makes me “Sure of my life”.

Do I really want to let that go? That sureness of life?

Saw the new Celine Dion romantic comedy movie yesterday.

I cried four times, as my heart was wrenched out of my body, as a couple in their 30’s was hammering their way through their respective struggles for true love.

It leads you to believe that romantic love is the most important thing in life. Every popular song and every Victorian novel espouses this belief, fervently.

There is still a part of me that believes that being alone with Chastity just might be a manifestation of unresolved ACA issues and that I will be joyfully relieved of this loneliness (which is not loneliness, but rather just aloneness) with the oncoming of new romantic love…Baloney!

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MJ calls me The Abbot. I call him The Prior.

In an effort to improve our Chastity we both went to a “ Plant based Food Addicts Anonymous” meeting today.

Smokeless Brian is finishing an 18 day Biblical fast from meat, dairy and alcohol called the Daniel Fast.

We just want to get a little better…

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My son and I went to a Regatta today, four blocks away, in the San Francisco Bay:

Sailing ships, helicopters, firetrucks, kites, flags, bicycle races, waterfalls, ice cream (for him) and Hip-hop on a gorgeous 60 degree, sunny day.

Now, I’m guessing, there were probably beautiful women there, but I didn’t even notice.

Thank you God for freedom from objectification, fantasy and intrigue….Thank you

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Why do people get fat when they get old?

When you don’t have sex the most sensual thing you do is eat…

Maybe old fat people…just miss sex.

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Today, Monday May 8, 2023 is 15 months of Chastity.

I am humbly grateful to God, and the men at PrayerCall, for being the support needed to stay reasonably comfortable being chaste.

Thanks for allowing me to serve you. That’s where the Power of God comes from, for me.

Really thanks…

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According to that blessed Tome of Truth, the Internet, kindness is defined as the quality of being “friendly, generous, and considerate”.

Yeah. That’s doable…

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Step # 1 in Celibacy: “I accept that there is power within me”.

What does that even mean?

Gandhi and Bill Wilson both believed that the misuse of sex leads you to disease.

Bill Wilson codified it and said that because of the nature of the disease that he studied that, once you were an alcoholic, you needed God to heal you from that particular illness.

But, suppose you started by not losing God in the first place through the misuse of sex?

Would that mean you wouldn’t have separated yourself from God?

Would it mean that God was within you in the first place as Augustine believed?

If so, could you accept that?

Step # 1 in Celibacy: “I accept that there is power within me”.

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“Religion without sacrifice means nothing”

Surrendering a broken relationship to God is one thing.

But, how about surrendering the possibility of a healthy relationship with an emotionally available, spiritual developed, physically-fit woman?

Would you surrender that possibility for the gifts of Chastity?

What gifts does a healthy relationship bring?

Someone to love

Someone to love you

Someone to share your life with


Shared wealth

Someone to cuddle with

Someone to share meals with

Someone to share holidays with

On the other hand, these are gifts of Chastity:

Efficient perceptions of reality

Comfortable acceptance of self and others


Task centering


Continued freshness of appreciation

Fellowship with humanity

Profound interpersonal relationships

Comfort with solitude

Non-hostile sense of humor

Peak experiences

Clarity , intuition, personal power in relationships, resilience and visions…

On the other hand a relationship can bring you children…that’s pretty darn hard to top.

On the other hand Celibacy Promises:

We will be more available to our children

We will be more present and productive at work.

We will become stronger and more supple.

Our financial situations will clear up.

Our artistic and “spiritual” aspirations will be realized.

Self-draining sexual/romantic relationships will suddenly wither and die

We will have more clarity, intuition and personal power.

We will have more fun.

We will finally...relax

Socrates said “ Let a man choose marriage or Chastity…he will be sure to repent”. I never get tired of laughing at that.

Both choices have gifts. Both have costs.

With periods of finite Chastity…you can have both.

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If I am honest, doing things my way has led to alcoholism, sex addiction and being fat.

I don’t like the way those things make me feel about myself, which I feel sure is a gift from you, to guide me back from the disease of addiction.

Since you love me and want what is healthiest for me, it seems that being sober, chaste and thin is pretty much your idea of what’s best for me. It’s your will.

Help me do your will, just for today, three hours at a time.


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Shopping for Mother’s Day with my son on a beautiful 70 degree day in our shopping district.

Now I know that most of the ladies in my neighborhood are competitively looking as attractive as humanly possible.

But, I never saw one of them…No objectifying.

My son and I just shopped for food, flowers, clothes, jewelry and balloons for his Mama.

Thank you God for total freedom. Thank you God for learning about your secret tool…Chastity

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You have told me a million times in a million ways what to do: don’t drink, abstain from sex (for right now) and don’t get fat.

I will try to remember what you have indicated, at every turn of my life…so as not to be as stupid as a mule.

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The Prior and I have been attending a plant based food addiction program, recently.

Gandhi says that “ Complete control of the palette makes the vow of Chastity easy”.

Now, I don’t know about easy, but…

The Prior is coming up on two solid years of Chastity. Me? I got 15 months.

We will use any tool that will give us the power to execute this. 

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I don’t remember having a mental obsession to drink after the first 30 days of sobriety.

I don’t know whether it’s because this particular obsession with sex originates as an instinct… Or whether I’m just more obsessed with this obsession.

What it feels like is, the need, that I had for physical and emotional safety as a child, was unmet, and I clung to sex, as an idea, since I was five years old, with all my might…to feel better.

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I saw a picture of a stunningly beautiful Asian woman in a bathing suit last night.

It’s funny…I didn’t want to possess her, I wanted to be as sexy as her.

Maybe I’m more of a narcissist than a sex addict?

Nah!…I’m a stone cold sex addict.

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Everybody is different, but, for me, I do not have the opportunity to experience real peace of mind, unless I am chaste.

Otherwise…I’m still lookin’.

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What if you woke up one morning on a different planet?

What if you woke up to a world where one out of four men cheat on their wives and 92% of men masturbate.

What if you woke up to a world where young women were being held hostage with narcotics, to perform sexual acts on pornographic video, controlled by small-time organized crime, known for their use of extortion, physical beatings and murder?

What if you woke up to a world, where in your country, 33,000 women and children were being sold as sex slaves for a profit each year?

If that were real and true (as it currently is in the US) I might think or begin to believe that, just maybe, the way we were utilizing sex might be a little off kilter?

Maybe it’s time to rethink what sex is used for.

Here is a quote from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

“But, the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic.

It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But, the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process I had the curious feeling that my sexually obsessive condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be.”

What am I doing that is wrong sexually?

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I’ve always loved to dance, but I have never had any desire whatsoever to express myself through dance.

The longing I have in my body for love, intimacy, closeness and sex have been amply met, for me, by dance today.

It’s been a splendid day. I danced three times. While I ran 5 miles yesterday, it’s surprising how six minutes of dancing is currently fatiguing. That will change.

I am learning a new language. As I watch my body it appears as though the two primary things I am expressing are worshipping the God of my understanding and “Trudging the road of happy destiny”.

Thank you God for the many gifts of Chastity…

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I am grateful for Sobriety, abstinence and chastity.

But sometimes, I feel so hurt that I want to wretch

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“Do not give what is holy to dogs, do not give pearls to swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces”.

Matt 7:6

I was in another fellowship sharing about my wife and I’s Chastity. 

A woman interpreted this as me “coming onto her”.

It’s funny, this fellowship was specifically about not being a pig, around food.

I don’t want to think badly of people, but I don’t want to be torn to pieces either.

I have been very open around my chastity to anyone, as it has been such a gift to me.

Lesson learned…


Help me to recognize dogs and swine…when I see them.


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To be an “Old timer “ in AA you have to do two things:  Don’t drink…and don’t die.

Same thing here…First I stop acting out, then stop whatever might kill me in my 60’s.

Smoking, being fat and inactivity are the Big Three that cause the most cardiovascular disease in the world.

Assuming I am sexually sober…have I stopped smoking, am I thin, am I working out?

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I woke up twice this week dreaming of my second wife, and today, my first wife.

In both cases they were physically intimate dreams. 

The moment I become conscious my dreams move from dreams, to  become fantasies.

I am not responsible for my dreams , but I am responsible for my fantasies…That is middle circle, for me.

In both cases, I stopped and prayed for those women and the fantasy stopped.

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What is the difference between selfishness and enlightened self-interest?

Selfishness is something self-destructive that hurts other people.

Enlightened self-interest is something self-creative which benefits other people.

Cheating on my wife is selfish. So is masturbating, getting drunk or taking drugs.

Why? Because I am hurting my health and my self-esteem and making myself less emotionally available to other people…and thereby neglecting them.

Running, prayer, service, laughter and healthy relaxation are enlightened self-interest because I am making myself better…and I am  less difficult to be around, so, everyone wins.

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Monday July 3, 2023

20 months of “No sex except to create children”.

Months 17 and 18 were tough. I was getting a little tired of this.

Month 19 was much better because I really cracked down on my health…and began to teach myself to dance.

I mean if you’re not going to have sex…ya gotta do something fun with your body!

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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

Even if I am perfectly sexually sober that doesn’t mean that other people are sober in their respective diseases.

I need social resilience when I am around someone who is flaming in their addiction…