Chastity Office 100
When you hear the terms objectification, fantasy and intrigue together you can get the impression that these behaviors are 1/3, 1/3 and 1/3.
But this isn’t true.
When we intrigue, we are aware we are doing that.
When we lie in bed and consciously imagine having sex with someone, we know what we're doing.
But, objectifying is much more pernicious.
When there is a police incident the first thing that the reporting officer asks you is “Was it a man or a woman?”.
Sexual description comes before race, age, height or physical characteristics in their identification process, because, it is the very first thing that you notice about a person.
That being the case, objectification is the thing that is most negatively impactful, in terms of bandwidth, in a sex addict's life, day in and day out.
But, prayer still works.
You know the drill, repeat after me…“Sister, may no harm come to you from me”.
Chastity Office 101
We are so grateful to be free of objectification on beautiful, warm, sunny days.
The women are all dressed to be alluring, to attract mates, but you have made us impervious to them and therefore, free.
We enjoy our freedom from the mental illness of sexual obsession.
We are now average and normal....in a good way.
You have restored us to sanity…and we are humbly grateful to You.
Chastity Office 102
Outer Circle is critical to success in Chastity.
Physical humility has four parts, which inevitably lead to a fifth part:
Physical strength- push-ups, free weights, machines, etc. How much you can do.
Cardio-Running, Biking, Swimming, etc. Stuff that makes you sweat.
Endurance-How long you can do the above
Flexibility- Stretching, yoga
These four lead to good Conformation.
Chastity Office 103
While objectification is more ubiquitous, intrigue is far more potent in throwing a sex addict out of equilibrium.
Why? Because a woman is making a direct, conscious effort to connect in a non-Platonic way.
When an addict is sober, healthy and free, this is perfectly acceptable as “flirting”.
But, an addict has to make a few judgments:
Am I sober?
Am I committed to someone else?
Is this woman involved with someone else?
Is this person a match, if not, I am using them.
Is this the right time for me?
Lastly, am I attracted to this person?
Chastity Office 104
One of the great things about not objectifying, not intriguing and not fantasizing is that, since my mind is not locked up in it’s own selfishness, that I notice, not just my own feelings, but other people’s feelings.
This gives me social cues on how to respond.
Objectification, fantasy and intrigue have absolutely nothing to do with our physically acting out, but they are 98% of the illness.
I want to be completely free of the disease…
Chastity Office 105
When I am free from objectification, fantasy and intrigue I notice I am free from something else…I am free of my pitiless, merciless self-demandingness.
When I am in Middle Circle I feel, within me, some shame...because I know I am doing something wrong.
To remain in balance, I feel a need to counter that shame with doing something superhuman.
It is more sane to just surrender Middle Circle
Chastity Office 106
Outer Circle is critical to success in Chastity.
HP, You have given me a body to live in.
You have given me the gift of health.
Help me today to value, respect and honor that gift by taking care of my body, through some attention to strength, some to flexibility and some to cardio.
Help me to be moderate…but vigorous.
Chastity Office 107
What is an edge?
According to the Internet:
“The ability to identify benefits of your service and demonstrate how it is better than the competition”.
Spiritually, you can get an edge, but, in this instance the person you are competing against…is yourself.
Chastity will do that.
If you don’t think that is true, look at a guy when he’s interested in a new woman.
Look at the rapidity of his thought, the precision of his words, penetrativeness of his eyes, and the light, quickness of his movements…It’s an edge.
He’ll need that to compete against the other males for the attention of the new female.
But, this chaste edge can be used for other things, like running long distances, biking up great elevations, reading hard books or getting a good job.
There is a T shirt that goes…” If you’re not out on the edge…you’re taking up too much space”.
Chastity Office 108
What if you could really increase the vitality of your spiritual life by doing one simple thing?
Now, it won’t work, if your mind and heart are not in it, too.
Just try not being orgasmic for 60 days…and see what happens.
Chastity Office 109
Being chaste means no genital contact with oneself or others plus no intrigue, objectification or fantasy.
Mentally, though, it means asking God for help when you are powerless, but, also…committing to utilize your will when you are not powerless.
You have to use your willpower to be honest.
You have to use your willpower to have courage.
Chastity Office 110
Most all sex addicts are love addicts, too, and often feel isolated, separate, disconnected and alone.
What they don’t realize is that their own belief system is what is keeping women at arms length.
If you believe that it’s okay to have sex with anyone who is even remotely open to you in conversation, then a smart woman will “ ghost” you.
On the other hand, if you have a belief system that says “ There are no words that you can say, no action you can take, no feeling you can express, that would cause me to be sexual with you”, you’d be profoundly surprised how they react and you won’t have to be alone anymore…unless you choose to.
Chastity Office 111
Flirting is middle circle.
That’s where I present myself as funny, cute, adorable, sexy, brilliant and entertaining to a female.
I am saying “ Pick me!”, “I am the one you should have sex with”.
You gotta do it, and do it well, if you want to successfully have sex with a female.
But, there is nothing chaste about that…nothing.
Chastity Office 112
The Big Book refers to a state of “ Neutrality “:
“We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.”
Is that possible for sex addicts? Yes, it is.
What would you give for that kind of freedom?
What if it cost you some Chastity time?
What if it cost you a lot of Chastity time?
Would that kind of freedom be worth it, to you?
Chastity Office 113
Sex is not a need. It is an instinct.
Eating is a need.
If I surrender all sex, love, romance and relationship, just for a day, it’s amazing how simple my real needs become.
Essentially I need to feel loved and like I belong and also I need to feel esteemed by others to be happy.
That’s pretty much it…but I don’t know that until I surrender all sex…first
Chastity Office 114
Early in my life, I really wanted to be with a woman.
Actually, I really didn’t want to be with myself.
But, the real reason that I didn’t want to be with myself was that I was not in touch with my soul.
Without being in touch with my soul there is, as AA says “A God-sized hole” in me, with the wind just rushing in and out.
But, to find my soul I had to give up my obsessions, the most obvious obsession being, wanting to be with a woman.
Chastity, for me, leads me to my soul.
Chastity Office 115
If you’ve been chaste for a long time it’s easy to forget why you started.
It’s easy to forget, and take for granted, that increased intuition that increases the quality of your own personal judgment in assessing relationships that are healthy for you…or not.
It’s easy to forget that your personal presence in relationships with your family have noticeably, if not occasionally, dramatically, improved.
It’s also very easy to forget the most common gift of Chastity which is increased clarity.
It’s easy to write off, devalue, and diminish the greatest gift of Chastity, which is social resilience….That means when somebody does something hurtful, or says something hurtful, it just rolls off your back and you don’t think about it for hours, or days.
But when you do remember these gifts… you can get real practical about sex.
What kind of sex is worth losing those four things?
What is the loss of Chastity worth in real, practical terms?
Chastity Office 116
Intrigue, Objectification and Fantasy:
“God asks only that we try as best we know how to make progress in the building of character.”
AA 12&12 Step Six, p.65
In 35 years of sex addiction recovery I’ve never fully understood how this applied to sex addiction.
Now I do…
The acting out behaviors, the compulsions: Masturbation, affairs, pornography, etc, have to fully stop.
They are actions…
But intrigue, objectification and fantasy are mental processes. It is the “character” of my mind that creates these things.
Actually, intrigue involves speaking.
Objectification, involves looking.
Only Fantasy is purely mental.
Fantasy, where no one can hear it and no one can see it, but me, is where I need to shut the door on disease. It is a good place to finish up my building character.
One day…three hours at a time.