A Big Book View of Masturbating:
“Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.”
(Big Book, Page 62)
This is the very first causative explanation of addictions.
It is a spiritual explanation, having to do with relationships.
Being self-centered around relationships is fundamentally unspiritual.
How does that translate sexually?
Ask yourself, “When I am masturbating, am I being selfish?
Am I masturbating to help my friends, family, wife, girlfriend, my children, my faith community, my country or the world?
The answer is a resounding “No”.
There is an antidote to this spiritual poison and it works in two ways:
1. Unselfish service to others who are struggling with this addiction will stop my own self-destruction
2. It will give me something useful and beautiful to replace the void that is created by the absence of porn.
Unselfish service to other is simply better than masturbating...
A 12x12 View of Sexual Sobriety:
“All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness”
(AA 12x12, Page 40)
For me, this is probably the most spiritually enlightening sentence in the entire 12x12.
Everyone needs to try to stop addiction by themselves at first. It’s the most natural thing in the world. If I have a problem I want to solve it. So I try, and I try, and I try.
But at some point, I have to be honest with myself, “I am failing at trying to stop”.
A failure is the most terrible thing you can be in the American consciousness, as a man...That word strikes shame at the very core of self-esteem.
But it is absolutely necessary, critically necessary, to “Develop the quality of willingness“.
I have to “hit bottom”, as the AA first step says.
It may take months. It may take years to accept powerlessness.
But, at last...with that self-honesty, I have an opportunity to develop something I have known very little about in my life...humility.
“I admit that I am powerless over masturbation-that my life has become unmanageable”.
Without this willingness there will never be success.
The crucial point is...am I willing to try something different and to let go of my old ideas?
It’s scary...Why?
Because my body is pumping tetrahydrosequinoline, the chemical that makes me feel good when I am orgasmic, when I am aroused, when I intrigue, objectify or fantasize.
The craving for more is on me and is too strong for me.
In fairness and truth, there are people for whom masturbation is an annoying little habit and they can stop with some “Blood, sweat and tears”.
Those are not the people we serve.
If you think that you can stop addiction with a Tony Robbins style self-help program, your religion, or a YouTube video...Stop reading the this now. This is not for you.
For us, those are “old ideas”.
But, if you really want to stop masturbating and honestly can’t stop...we know how to do that.
A 12x12 View of Chastity
Chastity-Suffering and Character building
“But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness.”
“Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not.”
“We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering.”
“Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us.”
As a child, the suffering I experienced was at my parents hands, so I revolt at the injustice of that suffering.
But I am a man now.
I can choose to suffer (which simply means that I feel the meta-feeling of hurt, needy, sad and lonely).
When I surrender what I want (which is to be sexual right now) I can build my character...I can “Man up”...one day, three hours at a time.