Part One:
The following are the first words written on Codependence, from the AA 12x12, page 115, published in 1953.
It would be 33 years before Melodie Beatty would actually coin the word “Codependent” in her book “ Codependent No More” in 1986.
The simple, practical definition of Codependency is “doing good things for other people that harm you”.
Conversely simple (Non-clinical) Narcissism is “doing good things for you that harm other people”.
Ideal social health is a balance between these two extremes.
“Our demand for emotional security, for our own way, had constantly thrown us into unworkable relations with other people.”
“Either we had tried to play God, and dominate those about us, or we had insisted on being overdependent upon them. “
“When we had taken the opposite tack and had insisted, like infants ourselves, that people protect and take care of us, or that the world owed us a living, then the results had been equally unfortunate.”
“We had failed to see that though adult in years we were still behaving childishly, trying to turn everybody—friends, wives, husbands, even the world itself—into protective parents.”
“We had refused to learn the very hard lesson that overdependence upon people is unsuccessful…”
“It became clear that if we ever were to feel emotionally secure among grown-up people, we would have to put our lives on a give-and-take basis.”
(Page 116)
“For those of us who were like this, 12 step had a very special meaning. Through it, we began to learn right relations with people who understand us; we don’t have to be alone anymore. “
(Page 117)
Part Two
In simple, practice codependence takes three basic forms:
People pleasing
Being a doormat
Controlling
People pleasing is doing or saying things that are not true, or healthy, for you…typically to placate conflict
Being a door mat is the inability to prevent other people from harming you verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, sexually or spiritually.
Controlling is simply outthinking people to manipulate them to your advantage.
All three of these behaviors originate in childhood, typically in reaction to an oppressive, chaotic, enmeshed parent, launched by the Child's hopes of avoiding angry conflict… whereas Narcissism typically originates in reaction to an absent, disengaged, rigid parent launched by the Child's hope for love.
Part Three
Step 1 - I admit I am powerless over my codependency-that my life has become unmanageable.
Powerlessness:
1. How many times and in how many ways have I tried to stop or control my codependency?
2. How have I been dishonest with others and myself and how have I tried to hide my codependency from myself ?
3. How have I tried to justify, rationalize or explain my codependency to others and myself?
Unmanageability:
How has my codependency affected the following aspects of my life?
. 1) My feelings?
. 2) My physical/mental health?
. 3) My spirituality?
. 4) My relationship with myself (integrity, self-respect and self-esteem)?
. 5) My relationships with family and friends?
. 6) My finances/career/education?
Hitting Bottom - What specific event in my life has convinced me that I’ve hit bottom with my codependency and that I cannot continue to live as I have been living?